After seeing the top student in the college entrance examination who was bullied at Peking University, I decided not to "raise" my daughter anymore

Don't raise a girl into a "soft persimmon" that can be manipulated by others, behind the gentle and frugal are full of grievances.

Only girls who are "wild" enough can become more and more courageous on the road of growth and protect themselves for a lifetime.

Author | Maple

"The experience of Peking University, I'm sorry for my ......"

Recently, an interview video of Liu Dingning, the champion of the two-time college entrance examination, sparked heated discussions on the whole network.

Liu Dingning, born in an ordinary family, has been a scholar since he was a child.

In the 2013 college entrance examination, she was admitted to the University of Hong Kong with a full scholarship of 720,000 yuan with a high score of 668.

However, after only one month of enrollment, she resolutely decided to give up the scholarship and drop out of school to fight for the college entrance examination again.

Why?

She said that HKU is not her own desire, but to meet the expectations of others. The Chinese Department of Peking University is the place in her heart where "the greatness of the university is in Mingmingde".

Therefore, she withstood the incomprehension of everyone, the multiple pressures of public opinion and rereading, and worked hard for more than 200 days and nights.

In the end, he won the championship again with a score of 666 points and was successfully admitted to the Department of Chinese of Peking University.

Liu Dingning thought that Peking University was a utopia, but she never expected that she would be hurt the most in her ideal place - campus bullying.

During college, Liu Dingning not only received a lot of "inexplicable accusations", but also encountered a lot of jealousy and exclusion.

Once, there was a performance in the school's opera club, and she spent half a year rehearsing, but in the end she was "kicked out" by her classmates.

The other party said evil words to her: "If you come to rehearse again, I will call the police, don't think that you are the best in the world." ”

Liu Dingning was very hurt by a similar situation, she said: "You go to pursue gentleness and frugality, but others treat you as a cheat, kidnapper and steal." ”

Since she was a child, her parents have educated her in the direction of being well-behaved and sensible:

When she had conflicts with her classmates, her parents taught her to let others go, and even if she was bullied, they taught her to be tolerant and understanding.

So when others were malicious to each other, Liu Dingning's gentleness and frugality hurt her.

I can't help but think of what Professor Li Meijin said:

Many families strive to train girls in the direction of everyone's ladies.

But a gentle girl, once she encounters an evil force, has no ability to protect herself at all, because she was educated to be very civilized and polite, self-denial and courteous.

We always think that a well-behaved and sensible girl will be liked and have a smooth life.

But here's the thing: roses without thorns are the most vulnerable.

I once read the self-report of a bully @ running Ponyo on Zhihu.

She said that the targets they choose to bully are often the kind of girls who look good.

The reason is very simple, persimmons must be picked soft pinch.

There was a good girl in the class who was bullied and oppressed countless times:

They deliberately splashed dirty water on the girls' braids;

snatched the girl's textbook, and had to return it when she was about to go to class, so she tore the textbook and returned it to the girl;

Physically attacking girls and ridiculing them about their appearance, clothing, words and deeds......

The more tolerant girls are, the more fun they find and the more unscrupulous they become.

Liu Aimin, an expert in psychometric analysis, once pointed out:

"Some bullies are often nervous when they first bully other students.

But the silence of the bullied and bystanders stimulates the psychology of the bully to bully others. ”

Obedient girls often find it difficult to show their bottom line when they are bullied, and they are born with the strength and courage to protect themselves.

Because of this, the good girls we desperately raise are often easy to be bullied.

Ma Sichun, who debuted as a child star and was crowned by the Golden Horse Awards, spent three years of "hellish life".

When I was in junior high school, there was a girl in the class who always excluded and bullied her for no reason.

As soon as she passed by, the girl would make sarcastic remarks at her.

The letter she wrote to her best friend was also maliciously intercepted by the girl and read aloud in front of the whole class.

The girl even secretly added rag water, chalk ash, and mop water to the coke she drank......

The other party was so aggressive, but Ma Sichun never thought of resisting and asking for help.

Because her parents instilled in her the idea of "you have to be obedient", "you have to be sensible", and "you have to let others" since she was a child.

Under the long-term "obedient" education, she has long been accustomed to calming things down and seeking perfection.

So when being bullied, the knee-jerk reaction is not to resist, but to endure in silence.

Therefore, you see, teaching children to suppress themselves is tantamount to asking children to sacrifice themselves, and teaching children to tolerate unprincipled reasons is tantamount to putting children in danger.

Because the more silent you are, the more you acquiesce in being hurt, and the more obedient you are, the more you are targeted.

The American psychologist Byrne once described the characteristics of "obedient children" in the "TA Theory":

Low self-esteem and cowardice, easy to conform to others, will appear naïve, feel weak and helpless, will cater to the expectations of others.

Actor Ma Yili bluntly said in the live broadcast room that the thing he regrets the most is raising his daughter to love horses too well.

For example, when playing at home, children like to be mothers, so they call Aima to be a baby, Aima obviously wants to be a mother, but chooses to wronged himself and take care of others.

Ma Yili couldn't stand it and encouraged her to refuse, but Aima still said "I don't dare".

Not only that, Ma Yili also found that Aima was very timid in her heart, and she was especially afraid that she would be angry.

But whenever she is louder, Aima will immediately admit her mistake: "Mom, I don't dare anymore." ”

Only then did she realize that under her daughter's obedient appearance, she ignored her own grievances and walked on thin ice to please.

Yes, there is no natural obedience and sensibility, but in the process of growing up, children gradually get used to "camouflaging" their true joys, sorrows, and sorrows.

And if a child always puts the emotions and needs of others first and suppresses himself, he is not only easy to be attacked, but also easy to attack himself.

is like Mi Tao in "Little Shede", she is well-behaved and sensible, not only never let her parents worry about her studies, but she also always takes the initiative to help in life.

Even if she can only live in the chaotic alleys of the market, and the washing of vegetables and bathing can only be solved in the public toilet, she never complains.

The family didn't have the money to take her to the playground, so she was playing alone in the aisle.

In order to reduce the family's expenses, she also persuaded her parents not to enroll in tutoring classes.

In order not to let her parents worry, she hid everything in her heart.

At school, her classmates excluded her, snubbed her, and even deliberately bullied her, but she never spoke to her parents.

When the teacher told her that she must tell the adults if she was wronged, she still chose to swallow the grievances in her stomach:

"Mom and Dad are very hard, I can't trouble them, our family can't compare with other people's ......"

Tears do not flow out, but they are ultimately internal injuries.

Mi Tao in the original book, because she suppressed herself too much, suffered from depression, and was forced to take a leave of absence and return to her hometown.

A psychologist once said: Many children who were very well-behaved when they were young have more general psychological problems when they grow up.

Don't dare to be willful, dare not have requirements, and even dare not add a little trouble, such obedience is that the child gives up his own will to cater to his parents.

However, those neglected self-needs and voices, and suppressed emotions will not disappear out of thin air, but will be mixed and distorted, congested in the child's heart, and constantly attack himself inward.

Kai-Fu Lee once said: "To be my daughter, you don't have to be well-behaved, but you have to be positive, have the ability to think independently and try bravely." ”

Yes, human nature is "black", the world is "dark", parents can't accompany their daughters for a lifetime, and they can't always protect them.

Instead of using rules to bind daughters, it is better to strengthen their hearts, cultivate their three consciousnesses, and put armor on them.

1. Monogynyus consciousness

Psychologically androgynous girls often have a face that is "not easy to bully".

is like the snowflakes in the CCTV drama "Our Days", she likes to climb up and down, dance with knives and swords, and chase boys everywhere.

She is not a good girl, but she is a "chivalrous girl" in the eyes of her friends.

Her companions are bullied, she always rushes to the front one, whether it is a quarrel or a fight, she is strong and powerful, and she does not lose a little momentum.

So if you want your daughter not to be bullied, don't restrain your daughter like a "girl".

Girls are allowed to be mischievous, girls are allowed to be less ladylike, girls are allowed to be androgynous.

Be a little wilder, a little tougher, and a little tougher, so that our daughter can give birth to an aura that is not easy to mess with.

2. Courage to resist

There was a boy who always flicked the underwear of the girl at the front table during class, and the girl told him to stop, but he didn't.

After the girl complained to the teacher to no avail, the boy went even further and directly popped the girl's underwear button.

The girl couldn't bear it anymore and threw two punches directly at the boy.

So, the girl was asked to be a parent.

But the mother did not criticize her daughter, but especially supported her:

"She hit someone in self-defense, and it was the child who harassed her first. She had already asked for help, but the teacher didn't help her, she fought back on her own, what was wrong?"

The mother's words made the boy's parents and teachers ashamed.

Our daughter should not be the "evil wolf" who bullies others, but she should never be a "fat sheep" to be slaughtered.

Girls must dare to express anger and release aggression in order to avoid unnecessary harm.

So, tell your daughter: if someone is bullying you, don't be polite.

Dare to resist, and the bad people dare not continue to make mistakes.

3. Sense of independence and self-love

There was a mother who said this to her daughter after seeing her daughter wronged herself and gave up her favorite sushi in order to please others:

You can be smart, brave, and even powerful, but you don't need to let yourself be wronged in order to please others, and you don't want to be kind to yourself, and it's more important for you to be happy than anything else.

Yes, grievances cannot be satisfied, and flattery cannot be exchanged for being loved.

Man must first perfect himself before he can have the ability to sympathize with others.

This is not to teach the child to be selfish, but to teach her to learn to love herself.

A girl who will not be wronged and flattered because of others' evaluation will not be easily swayed by others, and can live her life firmly.

The book "Raising Girls" says that the living space of girls is becoming more complex and dangerous, and their present and future are destined to be richer and more difficult than ours.

In the long life of our lives, we can only accompany our daughter for a ride.

And in this journey, the only thing we have to do is not to raise our beloved daughter into a "good girl".

Tell her:

You don't have to be too educated, you can have your own personality and edge.

You don't have to compromise on everything, you can listen to your heart and live your life.