"You're just a waste": parents who can't talk well are not qualified to talk about education

Miraculously numb and warm

2024-06-19 09:25Posted in Hebei Parenting Creator

A Japanese variety show invited 4 amateurs to participate in the "50-Day Beauty Plan". One of them, Kyouka, a 21-year-old 4-year-old girl from Kanagawa Prefecture, participated in the experiment and saw amazing changes.

Kyouka is a girl with low self-esteem, and she usually wears a mask when she goes out.

During the experiment, she continued to receive compliments from her teachers

"Your eyes look lovely."

The black hair and red gave her confidence and constantly encouraged her, and everyone said to her, "You are so beautiful." So the girl had confidence, and when she looked in the mirror every day, she felt that she was beautiful, and said to herself in her heart, "Actually, you are beautiful." "Gradually, the girl is really getting more and more beautiful.

Verbal praise will have a strong psychological suggestion to the person, and this hint will improve the self-confidence of the other person, tap the potential of the other person, and make him better.

Child psychologist Rudolph. Drexes once said: Children need encouragement, just like plants need water. But most Chinese parents make serious mistakes in this regard.

In a variety show, the host showed Yang Mi a sign. The sign reads "Five Sentences That Are Extremely Harmful to Children"

1. When did I promise you.

2. What's the use of me raising you.

3. If you do this again, your parents won't want you.

4. I told you a long time ago, and you have to listen to it.

5. We are all for your good.

In the eyes of many parents, these words are very common and have to be said in life. However, you never realize how much of an impact these words can have on your child.

There is a survey, the survey is more than 1,000 ordinary minors across the country, the results show that the children who are "often beaten and scolded" at home have the most obvious bad personality characteristics, 25.7% of the children are "inferior", 22.1% of the children are "cold", and 56.5% of the children are "irritable".

Trauma psychology research has shown that verbal abuse is tantamount to murder of the soul. Your casual language has been spoken lightly, but it has destroyed the child little by little. Criticism, verbal abuse, contempt, comparison, unreasonable expectations, etc., become a form of verbal violence, bringing only trauma and humiliation to the child.

A sentence of casual criticism and sarcasm, like a sharp knife, kills people invisibly and causes harm to children for a lifetime.

1. The child has negative personality such as low self-esteem and irritability

Tong Liya was selected into the Xinjiang Song and Dance Troupe at the age of 16, and she was so proud of her achievements, but she never received praise from her father. At the age of 21, Tong Liya decided to take the Nortel exam, but her father not only did not encourage his daughter, but also hit her coldly. Her father's denial and blow made Tong Liya very unconfident, even though she had become the leading actress in the entertainment industry, she put her position very humble in marriage.

There is a question on Zhihu that has been viewed millions of times: "Why do some parents often sneer at their children?" ”

Almost all respondents said that their parents' cynicism had a very bad effect on their personality development. Some have been or are still in a state of depression, and the cynicism of their parents has become a psychological burden that they can't shake off for the rest of their lives.

Among them, there is an answer: "Very introverted and inferior, cold to people but easily satisfied, inexplicably irritable in the heart, always feel that I am getting more and more angry." ”

Psychological studies have shown that for children before the age of six, often saying some angry words will make them form a negative personality, produce low self-esteem, introversion, depression, and fear of getting along with others.

They become inferior, self-loathing, self-denying, become extremely inferior, and fall into intense self-doubt and self-denial in the denial of their parents.

2. It is easy for children to embark on the path of crime

According to the survey, more than 40% of juvenile offenders have suffered verbal harm from their parents.

"Waste", "Shame", "Idiot", "What's the use of asking you...... Every word of the parent is like an invisible hand pushing the child into the abyss of despair.

Zhang Qiang, a juvenile delinquent, recalled bitterly with tears in his eyes: "When I was 12 years old, my parents divorced. My mom scolded me every day and often told me to die. Call me useless, call me a waste. Never praised me. I remember that the most she scolded was pig brains, pig brains, pig brains. ”

He hated the anger and shame that his mother brought him, and turned into hatred of society.

He couldn't take revenge on his mother, so he shifted this revenge to someone weaker than himself. In the end, the anger he received from his mother was vented on others in the form of a crime, and he embarked on the path of crime. And the source of the tragedy is the mother's unstoppable bad words!

All verbal violence is a bully by parents to vent their anger and resentment. Living in abuse and contempt for a long time, children feel disgusted by their parents, and their hearts are full of resentment, dissatisfaction, and injustice.

3. Affect the growth of children's emotional intelligence, resulting in low emotional intelligence

A 15-year study led by Professor Pallad of Brown University showed that children whose parents yelled at children generally had a bad relationship with their lovers or spouses as adults. "Parents who shout don't teach their children how to manage their emotions," Pallad said. In other words, it is difficult for parents with low emotional intelligence to raise children with high emotional intelligence!

The child has been living in an environment of bad language for a long time, he has become accustomed to this way of speaking and communicating, he will default to this way of getting along is normal, so when he communicates with others, he will also unconsciously imitate the appearance of his parents.

4. Bring verbal humiliation to the next generation

About 30 per cent of people who were verbally abused in childhood turn to humiliating their children. Freud called it "compulsive repetition." That is to say, unconsciously, in our relationships, especially intimate relationships, we repeat the trauma that is most memorable in our childhood, or the situation in which the trauma occurred.

Every executioner can find the shadow of cruelty from the original family", the words and deeds of parents are deeply imprinted in the hearts of children, deeply rooted, and affect the way children educate the next generation. Tragedy repeats itself from generation to generation!

In "Juvenile Talk", there is a little girl named Jingyi who "accuses" her mother of always comparing her with "other people's children", and her mother says a sentence: "I think if you want to be a little hit, you will be a little floating." ”

"Crack down on education" is a very popular way of education for Chinese parents, who firmly believe that "motivation is only possible when there is pressure".

An Ivy League female doctor committed suicide by jumping off a building after an argument with her mother.

The mother has a successful career, pursues perfection, and is extremely strict with her only daughter. The daughter faced her mother's dissatisfaction and asked, "Will I never be able to satisfy you?" ”

The mother responded, "Do you think you're doing a good job?" ”

Hearing her mother's words, the daughter jumped from the balcony!

On Zhihu, some netizens asked, "How to face the blow-type education of parents?" ”

Gao Zan's answer is: There is no such thing as a strike education, a blow is a blow, and the purpose of the blow may include education, but it is more of a denial of children.

The focus of "percussive education" is to crack down, not to educate. Parents say "I am for your good", stand on the commanding heights, and ridicule and deny their children in a condescending way. Over time, the blow makes the child lose himself and doubt the value of his existence.

Liu Weihua, the mother of Harvard girl Liu Yiting, said: "When parents learn how to verbally express to their children their heartfelt understanding and acceptance of them, parents often have a very useful tool that can produce surprising results." ”

1. Parents should learn to manage their emotions

Reflect on your emotions when you scold your child, is it normal or is it venting?

Don't let your child be the dustbin of your own emotions!

Even if you are really forced to collapse by your child's behavior, please be sure to keep your mouth shut first, and remember that impulsiveness is the devil, and people often do not choose to say anything when they are impulsive.

Allow yourself to calm down for a few minutes. You can say to your child, "Mommy needs to calm down and think about how she can help you better." Wait until you have calmed down completely, then talk to your child.

2. Change negative language to positive language and encourage your child more

In the movie "Figure Skating Queen", Nadya has loved figure skating since she was a child, but her talent is not good. But the mother kept encouraging her daughter, "You are a natural champion, and the coach can see it at a glance." It was her mother's encouragement that allowed Nadya to persevere and eventually become an Olympic champion.

Studies have shown that encouragement increases a child's confidence, courage, willingness to accept challenges, and stimulates a child's inner motivation.

Give children the opportunity to try and make mistakes, and when children encounter difficulties and setbacks, do not blame them, but give them enough support and guidance to guide them to find problems and solutions. When the child is successful and progressive, give affirmation and praise in a timely manner, and point out the reasons for the child's progress.

Encouragement and affirmation can restore a child's self-confidence and bring them positive motivation.

3. Respect children's individual differences, do not compare, and do not be harsh

Long Yingtai wrote in "Child, You Take Your Time": It is not difficult to see the world of children from the perspective of a mother; The difficult thing is that the mother will squat down and see the world at the same height as the child. Every child is an individual who deserves equal and respectful love and protection from their parents.

No two leaves in the world are exactly the same, and no two people in the world are exactly the same.

Every child has its own uniqueness and has a different level of development, parents should respect their children's individual differences, learn to look at their children with appreciation, do not compare their children with others, and do not label their children casually. Don't be too your child. For every seed, there is soil that suits it.

Don't let your love turn into a sharp knife, and don't let your care turn into harm to your child. Take care of your mouth, pay attention to your language, and let your child's education start with parents speaking well!

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