In intimate relationships, we often hear complaints like this:
After getting off work, he hurried home and made a table of dishes, hoping to get at least a compliment from the other party, but after eating, he only knew how to slump on the sofa and play with his mobile phone, let alone take the initiative to brush the dishes;
When he is in a low mood, he wants to talk to the other party, but he always looks absent-minded, and finally says "go to bed early" and turns over and sleeps, leaving him alone to digest his emotions in the dark;
After repeating it many times, I will also confuse myself: am I asking too much? Shouldn't I expect anything from the other person?
In fact, in a relationship, we will inevitably have expectations for each other, and these expectations are often not explicitly stated, but conveyed in a secret way, which is an unconscious implicit contract in our hearts.
A person whose implicit contract fits with each other
It's easier to get into relationships
The essence of the contract is to fulfill obligations + obtain returns, and the content of the contract may be some substantive actions, such as:
Although we always glorify love without expecting anything in return, in fact, the establishment and continuation of relationships are inseparable from contracts.
Adler's theory is that we all want to have a sense of belonging and worth in our relationships, and whoever can provide this feeling makes it easier for us to get close to whom.
If a person's sense of belonging and worth comes from being needed, the person who takes the initiative to ask for help is more likely to win his favor; Conversely, if his sense of belonging and worth comes from relying on others, he is more likely to be attracted to those who help him.
We've been unconsciously looking for someone who fits our contract, the implicit condition that "if I enter into a relationship, I'll get good feelings." When we meet someone we like, we begin to unconsciously fantasize about how happy we will be with them, which is the embodiment of the existence of the contract.
If you understand intimacy from this perspective, there is no such thing as unrequited love, and as long as the relationship can be established, it means that it satisfies the implicit contract in each other's hearts to a certain extent, and both parties expect the relationship to give them the experience they want.
People who are compatible with each other are more likely to enter into a relationship, but as two completely different individuals, the mismatch of the contract is easy to become a source of conflict in the subsequent relationship.
How do implicit contracts destroy relationships?
01 Implicit contracts always make expectations disappointed
Whenever I talk about similar topics, some people will be very confused: my expectations are very reasonable, even the most basic expectations can not be met, it must be not enough love, if I have to open my mouth and reach out to ask for everything, then what is the meaning of this love talk?
In fact, instead of communicating about the expectations of each other, I tend to think that the other person "should" know, or think that I have hinted at it obviously, and if the other person cares about me, I will definitely be able to perceive it, which is the illusion of transparency caused by the implicit contract.
The implicit theory in psychology believes that in each person's mind, there is a set of beliefs and assumptions about how they and the world around them work, which are not actively chosen by us, but are unconsciously shaped by past experiences, cultural backgrounds, etc.
For example, each of your predecessors is very good at taking care of others, and you will expect the next one to do the same; In the context of the big culture, men should earn money to support their families, and women generally expect their boyfriends to be motivated and ambitious.
Therefore, we always unilaterally set up an implicit contract, the terms of which are written about the responsibilities and obligations of both parties, but the other party knows nothing, so one party executes it according to the contract, but the other party does not move, holding back and not saying it, and he is also aggrieved in his heart, and runs over to be accountable, and the other party is also confused or does not understand at all.
02
Implicit contracts are always changing, but they don't synchronize with each other
At all stages of a relationship, we expect different things from each other.
At the beginning of the relationship, we will deliberately lower our expectations and carefully test how much the other person can give, and the threshold of expectation will be gradually raised after it is satisfied.
Maybe in the past, the other party looked at himself in the crowd more, which made his heart flutter, but now the other party's careful preparation of gifts will be taken for granted.
If this change is not expressed and perceived by both parties, and is not adjusted in time through communication, the implicit contract can become the cause of pain and anger in the relationship.
03
Implicit contracts make people tend to avoid conflict
Behind the implicit contract, there is often a shame about our own needs, we expect to be cared for and responded to, but we are too ashamed to speak out, and in order to defend against this shame, we show a fragile state of high self-esteem, i.e., "I can't take the initiative to say what I want, or I will lose".
This may have something to do with the experience of being ignored and rejected, where we crave attachment and fear of being ignored or even rejected ruthlessly, so we feel that as long as I don't express it, we won't get hurt again.
As a result, a widespread phenomenon has emerged: the ideal relationship for many people is not "I express my expectations, and you meet them", but "I don't say it, you understand, you want to be a roundworm in my stomach".
In this state, people tend to avoid conflicts that may be encountered, and do not express dissatisfaction when encountered, but show avoidance and indifference, hoping that the other party will be aware of the problem first and take the initiative to propose a solution.
This roundabout strategy doesn't always work, and the repeated probing and guessing in the relationship will always leave the partner feeling exhausted at some point - "What am I doing wrong?" "Why don't you just say it? It's really tiring to guess and guess."
Put the contract on the table
A relationship really begins
The opposite of the implicit contract is the explicit contract, that is, the contract in which the two parties have communicated frankly, know each other and reach an agreement.
Transforming the implicit contract into the explicit contract is bound to involve conflict, shame, and the false peace that you have worked so hard to maintain may shake, but it also heralds the true beginning of a relationship.
01Be honest and express your inner expectations
In a study on the impact of showing vulnerability on relationships, it was found that expressing one's feelings and experiences of vulnerability, such as "I was bullied as a child, which made me feel insecure about the relationship all the time", the expressor was likely to receive more understanding and support from the partner, which increased intimacy between the two partners.
However, if the vulnerable content is associated with the partner, such as "You always make me feel particularly insecure", the expression can easily trigger a defense by making the partner fear that they are being attacked, and the expressor may feel less responsive and supportive from the partner.
This may be the reason why many people are reluctant to communicate, even if they try to overcome the shame and avoid using a blaming tone, it is still possible to make the other person feel attacked, and even lose control of their emotions because of this, so they finally muster up the courage to express themselves and shrink back again in the negative feedback.
If we want not to provoke each other's defenses, we need to focus more on our own expectations, rather than on our partner's lack of self-satisfaction.
02Understand why each other has such a contract
Maybe you are the youngest child in the family, and you have taken it for granted to be taken care of since you were a child, and someone will give you food when you shout "hungry", which is already a matter of no doubt in the first few decades of your life.
After falling in love, when your partner can't meet these expectations, you may be very dissatisfied: I have lived like this since I was a child, why do I have to do everything by myself when I meet you?
At the same time, my partner is also dissatisfied and confused: in our family, we do our own things, why do you call me by the angels?
When everyone makes public their expectations of each other and makes the implicit contract explicit, there is a high probability that both parties will not understand.
We can ask each other with curiosity why we have such expectations, share each other's past experiences, see the implicit assumptions of both parties, and turn it into an opportunity for in-depth communication, rather than criticizing the unreasonableness of the contract.
03 It is normal to be rejected, and the contract needs to be negotiated
Some people do not express expectations because they are afraid of rejection, and they are often more likely to interpret some neutral reactions of the other person as a signal of rejection, resulting in greater fear of speaking.
"Being rejected means that the communication has failed" is actually a misunderstanding in the process of communicating explicit contracts, just like bargaining when buying something, the contract also needs to be communicated, discussed, and negotiated by both parties, until both parties talk about an acceptable level, and the contract is reached.
Therefore, being rejected is not only not a failure, but the beginning of a new round of communication.
It's so tiring to fall in love
Is it necessary?
Below posts discussing intimacy, a similar point can always be seen: Is this too tiring, is it necessary? Really suitable people don't have to work so hard, and it's useless for unsuitable people to communicate.
The implicit assumption behind this is that there is always a person who is suitable in all aspects, no need to run in, no need to work hard, and adults can only do screening, not training.
But most of the actual situation is that two people with a problem meet each other, feel extremely compatible when they are in love, sew up after disappointment, and oscillate countless times between "running in again" and "breaking up on the spot".
In fact, regardless of whether the relationship can continue or not, when we try to let go of our defenses and honestly express our inner expectations, we are already using our more mature selves to collide with the world.
Therefore, it is not that falling in love is tiring, but that growing up is a difficult road, and unless you maintain a false intimacy with everyone who is at peace on the surface, you will always have to face this problem.
Is there an unspoken implicit contract between you and your partner or friend, forward this article to them, and take the opportunity to talk openly and honestly together
This article is reprinted from the WeChat public account of "Women's Voice of the All-China Women's Federation", source: KnowYourself