For an East Asian child, what he has been taught a lot from an early age is "obedience".
Parents often say, "Listen to us, and we're good for you." It seems to convey a life credo full of fear: if you don't listen to adults, you will have a miserable life in the future. Only if it conforms to the thoughts of adults, can you live a safe and comfortable life without suffering losses in the future.
But when you grow up, you will find that a "safe and perfect" life in the eyes of your parents is not necessarily worth living. A mature and independent individual should have the right to "stick to his own way of life" and have a life that he or she has the final say (Gibson, 2021).
Last week, we launched a call for "How happy can you live a life without listening to your parents"? It's more exciting than we can imagine. Let's take a look~
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01
My dad said, "Girls don't have to be too good," @山梨糖醇我爸一直希望我不用太努力学习 because it's a girl.
When I was in high school, I was admitted to the provincial key and participated in the chemistry competition (there are very few girls), which was very hard, and he suggested that I should quit quickly, saying that girls don't have to work too hard, and they are not as good as boys in science and engineering, and it would be best if I could go to Peking University Medical School to have a nursing major, and he said that the nursing major should have a low score, and it is also suitable for girls.
I didn't listen to him, I insisted on learning, and I was lucky enough to go through layers of selection, enter the provincial team, and finally won the prize in the national competition (national final), and was sent to the best chemistry major in China. Now I am graduating from my bachelor's degree and preparing to go abroad to study for a doctorate and continue my studies. (At that time, he was very unhappy when he applied to study abroad, saying that if he was a girl, he would definitely work after graduating from undergraduate: "It's better to fall in love and find a good boyfriend in undergraduate"). 🙃
Don't try to change anyone. He won't change his mind just because you're doing a good job.
02
My mother must let me enter her unit @ Yue junior high school graduation, saying that you must take the technical school entrance examination of your mother's unit, and you must enter your mother's previous unit in the future, otherwise it will belong to eating youth now, and there will be no pension and no medical insurance when you are old in the future.
When I took the technical school entrance exam, I deliberately answered the questions randomly, and then I fell off the list. But I was admitted to the city's key high school in the high school entrance examination. Now that I am 47 years old, I have worked hard as a middle-level management cadre in a Fortune 500 company, surpassing my mother's work achievements when she was young.
03
They asked me to repeat my studies for a year, and threatened to tear up the admission letter @ Momoka took the initiative not to listen to my parents for the first time, and it was to volunteer to fill in the college entrance examination. My parents wanted me to stay locally and at least go to college in my province. However, because I have experienced a series of unpleasant things (including but not limited to domestic violence and school bullying) since I was a child and graduated from high school, I have filled in colleges and universities all over the country.
When I found out that I had been accepted to a university 1,800 kilometers away from my hometown, I was happy because my hard work paid off; But in contrast, my parents told me to give up my admission and repeat my studies for a year on the grounds that I was young and had never been to that province, and they even threatened to tear up my acceptance letter at the time.
In the face of the above unreasonable requests and even threats, I solemnly and clearly stated that "I will resolutely not repeat the study, because I did not fall off the list", "This year's questions are so difficult, and I encountered a series of unpleasant things during the exam, even so I can be admitted to the colleges and universities I fill in, which is God's favor" "I was admitted this year when the college entrance examination score just crossed the score line, if I give up the admission to repeat, then next year because the questions are more difficult or the score line rises sharply, resulting in me not being admitted to any college, Can you be held accountable for me?"
After many setbacks, I was finally able to study at the university that admitted me.
04
"What are you going to do, it's dangerous!" I walked away without looking back@Kiki my parents were always worried and scared about me doing things they hadn't tried and tried to keep me from doing them, including emotional PUA, such as "just do it, you can't even find tears when you regret it". It makes me feel bad. After all, whether in study, work, or life, we all need to try, and this dissuasion from our parents actually thwarts our courage to try, and it is important for us to be brave enough to try.
I was going to travel to Qinggan with my classmates, and my parents started to have emotional PUA, such as saying "what are you going to do, it's dangerous" with impatient and very negative emotions, and they didn't listen to me and what they told me who to go with and how to play. So, unlike before I left home and went to school, I would have a big hug with my parents, and this time I just said goodbye without feelings, and then I didn't look back and left.
I want to tell them that what they think doesn't dictate my choices.
@筼筜大学五一的时候时候想去找我嫂子玩, a three-hour drive from my school, they didn't allow me to go on the grounds that there were too many people and cars on vacation, but I still went! And return safely.
Anyway, every time I said that I was going to go on a long trip, they didn't agree, I felt very annoyed, so I didn't tell them later, I went secretly, and I was very happy!
I think especially girls from ordinary rural families should not listen too much to their parents, read more, think more, and enhance their judgment.
If you do something secretly behind your parents' backs, don't feel guilty, you just do what you want to do and are reasonable at this age, don't care too much about your parents' opinions. What seems like a perfect life in the eyes of parents is not necessarily worth living.
▷ "Thief Family"
05
Going to school and having a boyfriend Accused parents, persuaded that education lasted for 8 years, I married him @Fine hair I am a rebellious child from childhood to adulthood, my mother is a teacher, and I arrange a strict evening self-study time every day when I get home from school, but I don't go home after class and go to the night market to set up a stall.
My parents wanted me to apply for high school and normal school, so I turned around and applied for a junior college, and went to work at the age of 18 in order to leave home and live in school.
I had a boyfriend when I was still in school at the age of 17, and I was told by the school to my parents, and I was persuaded that the education lasted for 8 years, and I married him.
After getting married, I decided not to have children, I didn't tell my parents directly, I only said that I wasn't pregnant, and I avoided my parents' insistence on urging me to find home remedies and recommend hospitals, and I still wanted to be a happy Dink.
My father is in a state-owned enterprise, and my mother is a teacher, so they have always wanted me to have an "iron rice bowl" job, but since I was restless and self-conscious, I left my formal job one year after graduation, and after changing various industries, I arranged freelance work for myself, part-time editor, dance teacher, travel leader, decoration design, ...... Multi-faceted work, no main business.
Growing up without his parents, he didn't have too close feelings and trust, and refused to be subordinate to his parents. There is no right or wrong in life, follow the path you choose, and live a life where everything is up to you.
▷ "Thief Family"
06
Directly "crazy", scared that they didn't dare to come again @夜の舞 Parents never had a clear request for me, at most when I was a child, they said that they wanted me to be a doctor, but seeing that I was sick and afraid of specimens when I was a child, I gave up this request when I was very young~ But there are a lot of subtext requirements, such as a period of time before I was asked to show them the little guy almost every day, and the video will be criticized if it is late.
But now I don't ask for it~ Various events are superimposed buffs, and they are forced to collapse directly, suspected of triggering depression or anxiety, and almost can't think about it, so they go back directly, scaring them so much that they don't dare to come uninvited or video bombardment easily, and the sense of boundary is slightly restored.
Everyone has their own space, parents live their own lives, find their own hobbies, don't focus on their children all day long, so hello, hello, everyone~
07
After I became financially free, I found that money could not solve all problems and could not improve the relationship between "my mother and me" @ AnonymousMy father died early, and my mother hoped that when I grew up, I could be admitted to a prestigious school, become a human being, have a stable job, and marry a rich man. Complete success in the worldly sense and put gold on her face.
I also did it: my husband, who insisted on marrying, has been unconditionally loving me for decades, giving up public office to work abroad and finally getting a green card, and now I have settled down, and my years of investment career can ensure a worry-free future. But my relationship with my mother and I did not become more harmonious because of this, but on the contrary.
When I was a child, I felt that the current pain was due to the lack of money, and after I became financially free, I found that money did not solve all problems, and the mental pain caused by the lack of intimacy with my mother could almost destroy me. But if I choose my life according to her cognitive level all the way, the quality of life is worrying, and the lack of self-estimation due to control and parasitism will give birth to another kind of mental suffering. Harmony and discord end almost the same way, how can I not feel emotional.
After thinking about it painfully for several years, the only way out might be to make a strict mental distance with her, and for me my life should be truly my own.
▷ "Thief Family"
08
The distance between me and my parents is getting farther and farther away, but I am closer to my true self @Anonymous My parents are both educators, and they always want me to do a PhD and become a teacher at the university in my hometown.
However, after graduating with a master's degree, I came to work in Switzerland by chance. Now 35 years old, living alone in Europe for 8 years, living the happiest part of my life so far. At first, my parents wanted me to return to China as soon as possible to find a job after every phone call, but in recent years, I have gradually come to accept that I may not eventually return to my home country or return to my hometown. Although occasionally they would tell the story of whose child had a second child and lived in the same neighborhood as his parents, I was gradually able to make it easier to laugh away from a loud argument instead of a loud argument.
After nearly 20 years of living alone from my parents, including living in high school, going to college in an unfamiliar city, and studying abroad, I have become more and more distant from my parents, but I am closer to my true self. I found the most important thing in my life: to live freely. At the same time, it doesn't stop me from continuing to love them, in my own way.
▷ "Thief Family"
Write at the end
Psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson has left a "list of basic rights" in her book "Not Controlled by Parents" that we can use to remind ourselves of our growth and self-discovery when dealing with emotionally immature parents or in the future when dealing with immature people.
I would like to share it with you today, I hope it will help you:
1. The right to set boundaries. I have the right to set boundaries for your harmful, exploitative behavior. I have the right to stop anything before I get exhausted.
I have the right to terminate any interaction that I don't like.
2. The right not to be emotionally coerced. I have the right not to be your savior. I have the right not to solve your problem and ask you to ask someone else for help. I have the right to refuse to feel guilty.
3. The right to emotional autonomy and mental freedomI have the right to have any emotion. I have the right to have any idea. I have the right to defend my values, ideas, and interests from any ridicule or ridicule. I have the right to dislike your behavior or attitude and to be upset about the way I have been treated.
4. The right to choose a relationshipI have the right to know if I love you or not. I have the right to refuse what you want to give me. Even though we are relatives, I have the right to end our relationship.
I have the right to stay away from anyone who makes me feel unpleasant and tired.
5. The right to communicate clearlyAs long as I use a non-violent, non-hurtful tone, I have the right to say anything. I have the right to demand to be heard. I have the right to ask you to tell me what you want from me, not to assume that I should know.
6. The right to make the best choice autonomously I have the right not to do anything if the time is not right. I have the right to leave at any time. I have the right to refuse to participate in any activities or gatherings that I do not like.
7. The right to stand up for your own way of lifeEven if you don't agree with it, I have the right to act. I have the right to spend my time and energy on the things that I think are important. I have the right to trust my inner experience and take my desires seriously.
8. The right to equality and respect: I have the right to enjoy the same important status as you. I have the right to live my life without being ridiculed by anyone. As an independent adult, I have the right to be treated with respect.
9. The right to prioritize my own health and well-being: I have the right to thrive, not to survive. I have the right to spend my time doing what I love. I have the right to decide how much energy and attention I want to give to others. I have the right to take the time to think things through.
10. The right to care for and protect myselfWhen I make mistakes, I have the right to care for myself. I have the right to change my self-concept when it no longer suits me. I have the right to love myself and be kind to myself. I have the right not to criticize myself and to be proud of my personality. I have the right to be my true self.
I hope you can regain your emotional autonomy, spiritual freedom, and have a different life with your own say~ ❤️
This Week's Counselor Recommends————————
Reference———————— Lindsey Gibson, translated by Jiang Fan, A Life Without Parental Control, January 2021, China Machine Press
Editor: Birdman Editor: Cold Ice Cover: "Thief Family"