Ask a question: My boyfriend had an ambiguous conversation with other girls, and forgave him for the first time, and then he flirted with other girls many times, should he be forgiven?
Many girls will not deal with it after knowing that the other party has similar behavior for the first time. When I found it later, the girls with low sunk costs all broke up. Most girls with high sunk costs will be angry, because they have invested a lot of emotion and time, and it is not so easy to give up, so there will be measures such as making the other party admit their mistakes and write a letter of guarantee, and then choose to forgive.
In fact, it was done wrong from the beginning! If you don't deal with it when you find it for the first time and forgive it easily, you give the other party the right to hurt you, and the person who hurts you will definitely hurt you a second time, remember this point, it is very human. In your heart, you forgave the other person, and he should be grateful. In the other party's heart, you forgave him, but your bottom line is low.
And this approach will not solve the problem.
From a psychological point of view, whether a person who makes a mistake will make a second mistake depends on two factors: first, the risk-to-output ratio of the mistake, and second, whether the nature of the mistake is a cognitive error or instinct-driven.
When the gain from making a mistake is much greater than the loss after being caught, there is a high probability that people will make a second or third mistake, because people's instinct is to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages.
The nature of the mistake is a cognitive error, but it is a mistake caused by the brain's own judgment of a certain thing, which is difficult to make again after the cognition is corrected; But if the brain knows that it can't do it, but it makes a mistake because it can't control the desires in the body, it is an instinctive mistake, which is difficult to change, and even if he temporarily admits his mistake, it is difficult to guarantee that he will not make a mistake again in the future.
It's like playing a game, you know you can't play anymore, you have more important things to do, you have to rush, you have to rest...... But you can't help but keep playing. He knew that it was wrong to have an affair with other girls, and his girlfriend would be angry because of it, and he hung a banner in his brain "You can't betray your girlfriend", but when the hormones arrived, he still couldn't help it, and he had intimate contact with her behind his girlfriend's back, and chatted with her behind his girlfriend's back.
Even use the private chat software that can be disguised to chat with good luck, the appearance is a smart calculator, but enter the password to enter the chat interface, chat information encryption, one-click deletion without leaving a trace, someone approached and immediately flipped the phone back to the calculator interface.
What's more, forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. Even if you choose to forgive, the thorn in your heart is hard to remove. You'll start to question his every move, and you'll make frequent rounds in search of security. However, such behavior will only gradually distance your relationship and eventually lead to a breakup.
So, in the face of our boyfriend's many ambiguous behaviors, should we forgive them? The answer is not absolute. But let's be clear: forgiveness doesn't mean connivance. If you choose to forgive him, then you must make him understand your bottom line and principles, and make sure that he truly realizes his mistakes. At the same time, you also need to examine whether your investment and expectations in the relationship are worth continuing.