I consulted 3 parents of school bullies and found a truth: parents will steal these three kinds of laziness, and their children will be better......

New Oriental Family Education

2024-06-28 09:37Creators in the field of parenting

Author: Mu Qingye, the main creative group

"I didn't care much about the children, he learned it all by himself."

Every time I hear the parents of the top students say this, I am very depressed.

As an old mother who usually works hard and raises her children in every detail,

I get such videos every day, "Parents must not be lazy in these few things", "Parents must work hard at these stages"......

I can't wait to say to every point of view, "Ah, yes, yes, yes!" ”

However, when it comes to reality, this is not the case.

Every time I mention studying, I see his eyes when he slams the bedroom door, and even reminds me of the sentence "Enemies are extra red when they see each other".

At this time, when I heard the calm speech of Xueba's parents, my mentality was not calm at all.

To be honest, I also want to be like the parents of the school bully, I don't care about anything.

However, when I look back at my own terrible baby, it's like this, if I really don't care, what will it be?

So I still think that the reason why the parents of the top students say this is either too humble, or pure Versailles.

Or it's really like Zhang Xuefeng said, "The ancestral tomb is smoking, no, the green smoke is not enough, you have it", and met the reincarnation of a talented scholar.

But depressed to depressed, as an old mother who loves to learn and grows up in the new era, based on my convenience as a teacher, I still chose to observe carefully, and carefully consulted the parents of Xueba to observe the daily life between them and their children.

Only then did I understand that there are parents who really don't care about their children, but they are more "lazy" than us.

Observation Diary 1:

The parents of school bully are "stealing" and "lazy"

The first Xueba family is a father and son.

The child's father graduated from a top university in China, but his son's grades were average since he was a child, but after he went to junior high school, his grades improved by leaps and bounds.

At the time, we all thought it was a proper genetic advantage.

It wasn't until I listened to the child's father talk about some details that I realized that this child's progress really can't be concluded simply with a high IQ.

The boy's father was born in the countryside of the great northwest, and when he was a child, his family was poor, and he often had to eat dry buns and walk a long way to go to school.

I was poor and scared in my childhood, so I desperately wanted to study.

If you don't understand the knowledge points, you will memorize them over and over again; If you don't do the right exercises, do them over and over again.

Relying on the desperate strength in his body, he walked out of the ravine little by little.

Because he relied on hard study to counterattack back then, after his son was born, he riveted his son not to lose at the starting line.

Unexpectedly, his son's performance was too slap in the face.

At the beginning, under his father's "high pressure", his son did lead in grades for a while, but as his son grew up, he learned more and more, became more and more inadequate, and his attitude towards learning became more and more negative.

This is also understandable, after all, the amount of knowledge and information that children are exposed to now has been doubled several times earlier than we were back then, and it will indeed be very stressful to rely on hard study. And the most important thing is that his son and his growth environment are different, and the internal driving force of learning is completely different, and the sentence that inspired him to rush forward desperately back then, "study hard, change your fate", said to his son, it was useless!

But fortunately, after discovering the problem, he reflected in time and "slowed" himself and his son.

As soon as the rhythm slowed down, he noticed that the first change that appeared was that the atmosphere in the house had eased first, and he was less anxious.

He slowed down and stopped pushing too hard, but his son began to take the initiative and be active.

And the most surprising thing is that his son's interest in learning is also increasing, and he will start to discuss some learning problems with him, and sometimes even take the initiative to ask him for learning methods. It's no longer like before, he has to force and urge him to reluctantly learn.

Only then did he suddenly realize that all along, he had been working too his children's studies, and he had already pushed the children out of breath.

As the old saying goes: "Everything in the world has a degree, and there is a sea of bitterness if there is no degree." ”

If parents push too hard, their mentality will be unbalanced, and the pressure generated by the imbalance will be transferred to the child.

A child's learning is a process of gradual enlightenment by himself.

Parents should not push too hard, but also let children retain a little self-learning energy.

No matter how big the external drive is, it can't match the child's self-drive.

Observation Diary 2:

The parents of school bully are "stealing" the "laziness" of hoarding

The second school bully is a girl.

When I talked to her mother, I found that the girl's grades had been very stable.

And this child's mentality and state are also very stable, quite a bit of the kind of "unwavering" when encountering anything.

When combing the child's grades with her mother, I also found a surprising point, this girl's grades at each stage are a gradual and increasing process.

For example, when she was first admitted to junior high school, her first grades were actually not very good, but looking at her performance statistics in the three years of junior high school, almost all of them were steadily rising.

The beautiful line of results made our old mothers so excited that they hurriedly pulled her mother to ask for advice.

This chat, you will know the reason.

Originally, we wanted her mother to share what kind of teaching aids her daughter used and which training courses she attended.

Unexpectedly, her mother said, "I bought her a set of extracurricular tutoring questions, and I still used them for her to prepare; There is also a training class, and it is also during the holidays when she feels that she really needs to make a surprise, so I will apply for the class of that subject according to her requirements. ”

After listening to her, several of us parents did not speak, but each other's eyes were full of disbelief.

Because of the parents around me, who don't have a few sets of extracurricular teaching aids, they squat in various cram schools on weekends.

Just like myself, all kinds of learning apps in my mobile phone, and the experience stickers of various learning methods are also collected in the files, and the videos are even more exaggerated......

But adhering to the spirit of doing everything for the children, several of us parents still humbly asked her mother for leave, looking forward to her sharing a little bit of the treasure extracurricular books and boutique extracurricular classes with us.

"I really didn't buy so many extracurricular questions for my children, nor did I enroll my children in so many extracurricular classes."

“……”

"I think so, my daughter is not the kind of child who is particularly smart, and her father and I are also ordinary people, and we have not inherited any good genes for our children, and we have no money to buy materials for her and register for classes. We just thought that we should listen to the teacher's words and let the baby eat the foundation thoroughly. ”

"But you can't rely on the foundation alone......"

"I feel that the foundation is solid, and the baby's grades are not much worse."

After listening to her words, I thought about it for a long time and felt that she was both right and wrong.

Yes, it's because learning this thing is indeed inseparable, and no matter how you take the exam, you can't do without the basics.

No, it's because I don't think her daughter's grades will be so good in high school just by relying on basic knowledge.

Thinking about it later, the real reason why her daughter's grades are very stable, and almost every stage, is that the exam scores are average at the beginning, but can improve little by little in the end, the real reason should be because of these:

First, her daughter's basic knowledge is solid and she has eaten enough, which is equivalent to laying a solid foundation;

Second, learning is a systematic process, because the basic knowledge is solid, so her daughter's knowledge network is easily established and can continue to move forward with ease;

Third, she didn't give her children too many reference materials and courses like us, so her daughter didn't have to be exhausted in the "sea of questions" and "sea of lessons", but could slowly exert her strength.

So you see, this mother seems to be just letting her daughter lay the foundation, but she is actually helping her daughter save up stamina.

At the moment, it may seem like they are not very prepared, but in fact, the further back they go, the faster they go.

To put it bluntly, it is accumulating.

It is also written in "Deliberate Practice": "The most outstanding person in each field is often the one who has practiced the longest time." ”

This girl is repeatedly honing the basics, and then on the basis of these, little by little, we let the children be consumed on all kinds of so-called hoarding auxiliaries.

No wonder there is a saying that when it comes to exams, it's not about who prepares more, but who prepares deeply.

Observation Diary 3:

Xueba's parents are "stealing" the "lazy" of control

The story of the third top student is very interesting.

This boy should belong to the typical case of "boys have enough stamina" in the eyes of many parents.

When I was a child, my grades were average, and I was asked to my parents every day because I couldn't sit still and was naughty, but as soon as I arrived in middle school, I immediately opened up, and my grades swished straight up.

Even I myself am a little skeptical, is this boy really relying on the so-called "stamina" to become a school bully?

Although his mother didn't talk about many specific methods, from the few small things she said, I gradually discovered that there is no natural "stamina", but the parents paved the "road" in advance.

The first thing I did was to study physics.

In elementary school, she often accompanied her son to do some small physics experiments, and sometimes made a mess at home, she would not blame and dislike, but encouraged her son to do more and think more by himself.

After slowly discovering that her son became interested in many physical phenomena, she guided him to see some related professional knowledge, and encouraged him to record videos to share his new discoveries.

The most rare thing is that when her son has just entered junior high school and the physics teacher's explanation method is very rigid, she encourages her son to explore deeply after class, and then boldly put forward his own ideas in class.

The second thing is to read and see the world.

After chatting with her son a few times, I found that this child has a very wide range of knowledge, and has a very positive outlook and strong resilience.

After reading the book list shared by his mother, I realized that his mother had encouraged him to read more books and see more of the world since he was a child, and there was no limit to the types of books he could read, and the way to see the world was not limited to travel.

I also feel deeply about this, I remember that once when I watched Yin Ye as a guest in Dong Yuhui's live broadcast room, the two of them talked about a point of view: "Everything can be memorized, and everything can be learned." ”

The more children see, the more their thinking will naturally be broader. These will also become a rich accumulation of his later studies.

The third thing is about learning methods.

When her son first entered junior high school, she was worried that her son would not be able to keep up, so she originally prepared a lot of study methods and wanted her son to try it, but in the end she held back.

Instead, she encourages her son to find a way to do it for him, and only offers a little advice when he asks for help.

Then only do two actions: one is to give timely feedback when the child makes every small progress; The second is to guide his son to use holistic thinking to open his mind.

There is a saying: "Guidance is not control, cultivation is not bondage." ”

The more "lazy" the parents, the more "diligent" the children.

A child who is "matured" under the control of his parents can never compare to a child who can grow up with his own "strength" under the guidance of his parents.

To put it bluntly, this seemingly hands-off, but in fact guide-oriented way actually weakens the control power of parents, returns more autonomy to children, and allows children to develop freely to the greatest extent within the principles.

Therefore, those really powerful parents seem to care about nothing on the surface, but in fact, they have been planning secretly.

They just understand better that learning is ultimately the child's own business.

What parents need to do is to make good use of the way of "laziness" and guide their children to the road of "self-attendance".

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