For the sake of our son's college entrance examination, we still live together after the divorce, but I didn't expect to fall in love with each other again

Author: Yang Tao Editor: Jia Fangfang

Source: Marriage & Family Magazine

01

Divorce without leaving home, make do

Jiang Yun and I are divorced.

On the day of the divorce, I was going on a business trip to Guangzhou. On the way to the airport, I burst into tears all the way, and the driver was so scared that he didn't dare to come out. He didn't know what had happened to this passenger, how could he be so sad. Just don't speak, create a quiet space for me to occasionally look in the rearview mirror.

I knelt down in front of the car window, thinking about my marriage to Jiang Yun in the past 18 years.

Once, we were also sweet. At that time, I thought he was good everywhere, and he thought I was good everywhere. If you listen to someone say that the other party is not at all, you can't go up and fight with someone. The two of them are so sweet that they can't be conjoined babies.

However, this beauty was soon replaced by all kinds of dislikes.

I don't think he understands me well enough, doesn't know how to communicate, and is cold and violent to me.

He felt that I was not considerate enough for him, and he loved to nag and blame, which made him suffer from family torture while being frustrated in the workplace.

We've both tried to change each other. I want him to become a warm man, and he wants me to become a good wife; I want him to learn to communicate, and he wants me to be less demanding......

We have tried with all our strength to achieve these hopes, and there have been unhappiness in the process.

The results can be imagined. No one has changed anyone, and no one wants to be changed. On the contrary, our relationship has undergone earth-shaking changes, from you and me in the past to now we are tired of each other, and we are even unwilling to pay for each other at all.

In the middle of the night, I felt very sick to my stomach, and in a daze, I asked Jiang Yun to pour me a glass of boiling water. As a result, he slept very deeply and did not respond in a single bit.

Sadness, anger, disappointment...... All emotions poured out at once, and I woke up Jiang Yun in a fit of rage and yelled at him.

Jiang Yun was awakened, his anger exploded, and he also flareed up. That day, we vented our dissatisfaction with each other enough, and our feelings for each other fell to freezing point.

I took the initiative to file for divorce, and Jiang Yun agreed. At that time, my son was in his third year of high school and was about to take the college entrance examination. In order not to affect our son, we agreed: divorce and not leave home. At least on the surface, it looks like a couple who are in harmony with each other.

The reason why we dare to do this is because we have three chapters of the covenant before: even if you quarrel, you must avoid letting your children see it.

So, I think if we divorce and don't leave home, my son probably won't notice anything abnormal.

02

It's amazing that a husband and wife become friends

My son usually lives at the school, and I can't figure out for a while whether he has noticed the change. However, I can clearly feel the difference. After the divorce, Jiang Yun and I got along much more comfortably than before the divorce.

When I came home from work in the past, I would see Jiang Yun looking at his phone crookedly on the sofa, and I would be angry, thinking that he was like an imbecile mother, and he didn't worry about anything at home.

But now when I go home and see him lying on the sofa, although I still instinctively feel some emotions, I think about it: why bother? Everyone is now an ex-husband, where are we qualified to take care of it? Even if he lies in bed and eats flatbread, it is his freedom.

Thinking about it, I can easily walk past his eyes, go to the kitchen to cook without complaint, and occasionally hum a little song. I have to say that such scenes have disappeared from my life for a long time, probably only when I was in love.

Not only that, but I feel that Jiang Yun seems to have changed a little.

In the past, I was so busy in the kitchen that I couldn't touch the ground, and Jiang Yun would take it for granted and never come to help. Now, I'm busy in the kitchen, and he actually feels embarrassed, puts down his phone and asks me flatteringly, "Do you want to help?" "I think he's probably the same as I think: they're all ex-wives, and they're no longer entitled to enjoy the fruits of each other's hard cooking.

I said, "It's okay, I'll do it alone, you're busy." Even so, Jiang Yun still had to help peel garlic, peel the skin or something.

Looking at his hurried appearance, I felt a trance: Is this still the Jiang Yun who didn't want to help the soy sauce bottle before when it was poured? If he had been like this before, would I have divorced him?

I've changed, Jiang Yun has changed, and our interactions have changed.

In the past, when I was angry at the unit, I would definitely complain fiercely when I went home, accusing him of not being motivated enough, and making me work hard to get to that bad shift.

After the divorce, I was angry, I instinctively pushed open the door with emotions and wanted to find someone to talk to, but when I saw Jiang Yun's figure, I suddenly thought: He is now my ex-husband, why should I vent my negative emotions on him? So, I suppressed my emotions and pretended to go to the housework as if nothing happened.

However, Jiang Yun seemed to observe my emotions, and took the initiative to ask me after eating, are I unhappy at work? Would you like to talk?

I didn't want to talk, but looking at his concerned eyes, I couldn't hold back in the end, and poured out all the grievances like beans in a bamboo tube.

After listening patiently, Jiang Yun carefully helped me analyze whether it was the leader's problem or my miscommunication. He helped me with my analysis and wiped my tears with a tissue. This detail strikes me incredible.

In the past, as long as I vented my negative emotions to him, he would accuse me first, saying that I was squeamish and couldn't endure hardship. I will inevitably retort that he deliberately suppressed me, that he was the harshest on those closest to me.

Now, the identity has changed, he has not accused, and I have not fought back, which is really amazing.

03

Reflect and grow, let's remarry

What happened after the divorce made me can't help but think: What is the reason why my relationship with Jiang Yun has changed for the better after the divorce? Probably because after the divorce, we have fewer thoughts about reforming each other, and we have fewer expectations for each other.

I have read a sentence before that too high expectations and the idea of wanting to transform each other are the two major killers of marriage.

In marriage, we always feel that he is my person, and it is natural for me to have requirements for him.

But in reality, we are two people who are independent of each other, he is still him, I am still me, and neither of us has the right to ask the other to become the person I want to be.

My son is boarding at school, and there are usually only me and Jiang Yun at home. One night, for some reason, I suddenly had a sharp pain in my stomach. I got up in the dark to pour water and drink medicine, but accidentally knocked over a cup on the table. The movement was too loud, which alarmed Jiang Yun.

Jiang Yun came out to watch the movement in his clothes. Seeing my painful look, he immediately came to hold me and asked me what was wrong.

I clutched my stomach in pain and couldn't speak. He sat me down, took care of my medicine, and drove me to the hospital.

Sitting on the bench in the hospital, looking at Jiang Yun's busy back, a warm current surged in my heart. We used to hurt each other, but he still had feelings for me.

Perhaps, none of us are bad people, and no one is sorry for anyone, but we just don't know how to be more tolerant, understanding and respectful of each other in marriage.

After returning from the hospital, I took leave to recuperate at home, and Jiang Yun was busy taking care of me. During that time, I felt like he was all I could rely on.

My son came home on the weekend and told me that he had made a new discovery. I said what's wrong? The son said, "Mom, I don't know why, I found that you and Dad have a much better relationship than before." I used to feel that you always like to quarrel, although you always quarrel secretly, but I'm not stupid, how can I not know? Now, it's been a long time since I've seen you guys arguing, and that's good. ”

I said in my heart: "Boy, if my mother tells you the truth, I divorce your father, see how shocked you are?" ”

During my son's college entrance examination, Jiang Yun and I worked together to do a good job in logistics. Everything went well, and my son was admitted to a key university in Beijing. When I came home after sending my son to report to university, I suddenly felt that my home was empty.

Jiang Yun sat on the balcony smoking a cigarette, and I pretended to be busy in the kitchen. At that moment, we all felt something to be decided and something to say to each other.

It wasn't until later that I saw Jiang Yun finish smoking and return to the living room. He suddenly walked up to me and said, "Or...... Let's remarry. ”

I was pleasantly surprised, but on the surface I pretended to be reserved: "What, you don't regret it anymore?" I'm the kind of woman who loves to nag. ”

Jiang Yun hugged me from behind, leaned into my ear and said, "Even if you nag, I love to listen." I wouldn't have been able to sleep without your nagging. ”

This article was excerpted from the June 2024 issue of Marriage & Family magazine

Original title: "After Divorce, We Only Understand How to Love"