I don't know if you've ever met such a person? When chasing you, it makes you happy, and after chasing you, it makes you sad and doubtful of life.
Falling in love with such a person is like love at first, but then it looks like a serious illness!
Especially like suffering from Stockholm disease, the victim falls in love with the perpetrator, the perpetrator suppresses and hurts in various ways, and the victim is in deep pain, but he is still reluctant to leave and cannot leave.
This kind of person is the legendary love killer, with a domineering, selfish, tough and extremely destructive "narcissistic personality".
1. What are the characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder?
With regard to narcissistic personality, the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) defines it as: "a general pattern of mental behavior that requires praise from others and lacks empathy for arrogance (fantasies or behaviors)." ”
In fact, the focus is on these three words: "need to be praised by others", "lack of empathy", and "arrogance".
1. Need praise from others. They feel that they are gods, omnipotent, and super-perfect, and that others should praise them. It is commonly known as "Puxin man/woman".
2. Lack of empathy. "Empathy" does not exist for them, because they focus too much on themselves, so they can't feel the feelings of others, and naturally they can't understand and agree. It's the kind of "hurt others, and laugh it off".
3. Arrogance. They often look down on the people around them arrogantly, feel superior to others, and like to control others. If someone disagrees, the thought in their hearts is, "I'm going to destroy you on behalf of the truth!" ”
2. How will falling in love with someone with a narcissistic personality be affected?
1. Words bully you, mind control you, and make you doubt yourself.
Such a lover is best at holding one and stepping on one, holding oneself and stepping on you.
For example, laughing at your height, looks, and dress, accusing you of having no brains and IQ, and hitting your self-confidence.
Then, the brainwashing skills are good again, when you sense that something is wrong, he will rationalize his behavior, accuse you of being small-minded, and he is all for your good.
Before you know it, you will fall into the trap of his thinking, be controlled by him, and then feel inferior and feel that it is all my fault and that I am not good enough.
2. Make good use of lies to disguise and make you worship him inexplicably.
A narcissistic personality has a sense of superiority in his bones, so he not only brainwashes you, he also brainwashes himself, imagining himself as an otherworldly being, hoping that you can look up to him.
It's just that perfection is an illusion, and his brain supplement and obscenity will definitely be exposed, so in order to beautify himself, he must deliberately deceive you.
For example, when you refute him and find out that he has personality problems and personal abilities, he will not change his face and find some reasons to prevaricate you, so that you can't tell which is real and which is false.
3. Constantly challenge your bottom line and make you lose your sense of boundaries.
The most terrible thing about this kind of lover is that they will violate your boundaries at any time, especially if you are the kind of person who does not have a strong sense of boundaries, you will be violated by the other party at all.
In getting along, he will use various means to make you do what he wants, and if you don't do it, he will punish you.
For example, if you don't listen to him, he will lose his temper, mess around, and put all the blame on you, so as to stimulate your self-blame and guilt.
At this time, as long as you don't want to break up, you will cater to him, and then he will use your idea of "home and everything" to completely overturn your boundaries step by step.
4. You can't break up with him, but he will break up with you easily.
The cruelest thing is in the back, he will not agree to you break up with him, and he will desperately try to keep him.
But don't think how much he loves you, when he finds that you don't fit his perfect vision, then he doesn't look back and just leave.
Because he doesn't let you break up, he can't accept "narcissism is damaged", and he takes the initiative to break up with you, which is in line with his perfect personality.
3. How to get along with such a partner?
As mentioned earlier, being with such a person begins to feel like love, because they are very good at showing charm and making you fall in love with him.
But at the same time, it is like a serious illness, and then you will fall into a state of badness, anxiety, and self-doubt.
So, how do you get along with someone with a narcissistic personality?
If it's a friend, I advise you to keep your distance and your health is important, but if it's your partner and lover, and it's hard to give up, I can only give you two pieces of advice:
1. Keep the world sober and have a clear positioning of one's own value.
Why is the lover of narcissistic personality more lethal, because he will confuse you and make you think that you are the real self in his mouth.
The most useful way to deal with this situation is to listen only half of what he says, regardless of the good or the bad.
For example, if he praises you for being excellent and beautiful, don't be complacent, maybe he just makes you like him more by praising you. After all, people with this type of personality also perfect their partner in order to perfect themselves.
Also, he often belittles you, accuses you of your appearance, your behavior, at this time, there is no need to rush to prove yourself, and there is no need to feel inferior for his words.
If what he says is not the truth, then the sentence "I am happy to buy it if I have money". Remember, he has the right to disapprove of you, and you have the right to reject his approval.
2. Maintain the logical framework, and the boundary bottom line is not allowed to be violated.
In a previous article, it was said, "People treat you the way you are allowed." "What the other person does to you, in fact, depends on what kind of rights you give him.
The reason why soft persimmons are pinched is because it is soft and it is easy to pinch. So what should you do at this time? It is to become tough, to be principled, to become difficult to bully.
For example, if he laughs at you for not being able to do a single thing, you can fight back, communicate with him, tell him why you did it, or else you will turn your face and go back.
The point is to let him know where your bottom line and boundaries are, even if you choose to regress, let him know that "I let you, not that I am afraid of you".
I like a saying: "The way partners get along is cultivated from long-term interactions." ”
So, in a simple and crude way, if you don't get violated, then hit back first!
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Authors: Profound So, Psychological Counselor II; EFT Trained Companion Therapist; Author of the intimate relationship book "Knowing Love, Rebuilding Intimate Relationships" (the book has won the first place in the best-selling list of new books on gender relations on Dangdang.com), translator/proofreader of Dr. Marshall's books "Nonviolent Communication, Gender Chapter" and "Nonviolent Communication Emotion Chapter"; If you have any questions, you can consult me by private message~