When the child reaches a certain age (usually after he has a concept of money), he must give pocket money, otherwise the child may steal the family's money.
Two days ago, I saw a blogger on the Internet who said that he was very emotional.
The reason was that the blogger's cousin's child stole the family money, and the adults were so worried that they immediately ran to ask the teacher's mother how it was good.
My cousin said, "Auntie, what should I do, they all say that I look old at the age of three, steal needles when I am a child, and steal gold when I grow up, this child will not be finished, is there any salvation?" ”
Mom said it was no big deal, and then pointed to the blogger next to her and said, "Xixi also stole money when she was a child, isn't she also a free body now, and she is not locked up in prison." ”
Only then did the blogger know that his mother had always been like a mirror, so he asked her how she knew.
Mom said, "There are so many books, tapes, and VCDs in your own little cabinet, and they can't be blown by a strong wind." ”
Mom also took the opportunity to ask the blogger, "Why did you take the money at that time?" In fact, if you ask me for these things, I will buy them for you. ”
The blogger said that he didn't like to ask his parents for money, and that it was better to steal it himself. Also hit a rake:
"Now that I found out and knew that I was short of money, I should take the initiative to give it to me, what bad intentions can I have as a child, as long as the money is enough to spend, I will definitely not steal it."
Then he asked his mother, "Why don't you educate me if you know that I steal money, aren't you afraid that I will grow up to steal gold?" ”
Mom said that she also wanted to educate, but she didn't know how to educate, and she felt embarrassed that everyone was debunked, and she grew up worrying that he didn't steal gold, but she didn't steal needles.
In fact, it is not the most terrible thing for children to steal money, what is terrible is that the follow-up parents do not handle it properly and label the child as a thief and a "bad child".
Many people in the comment area said that this blogger's mother is very wise.
The problem of children stealing money can be big or small. The mother obviously decided to pretend not to know after rational judgment.
First, she sees what the child is doing with the money.
The child was not bullied and hijacked, nor did she do anything illegal and undisciplined, but used it to buy books and tapes on a daily basis, and she was relieved of the child's character.
Immediately afterwards, she cared about the child's psychological feelings.
Although the child's behavior was a little out of line, it was still within his control, so he was not immediately exposed.
Later, as time went by, the child slowly grew up and corrected, and the problem was solved.
When it comes to children's education, we parents should still take care of it.
This mother's "inaction and governance" is essentially a kind of management, and the key is to control the scale of "management" and achieve a degree of relaxation.
Because if parents can't tolerate a grain of sand in their eyes, they manage everything too tightly and leave no room for their children, which may backfire.
I've met some parents who always advise them on big and small things:
"Look what time it is, and you haven't slept yet!"
"Don't keep eating junk food, eat more food, it's nutritious!"
"Go and pack your things, it's always a grind......"
Your child may choose to obey this commanding tone at first, but as he grows up, you will find that he is working against you at every turn.
Because when children grow up, they can't always follow your instructions like a machine.
For example, if you don't let him eat junk food, he will occasionally eat a little bit of it. You didn't let him chase stars, but he bought a star's small card as a bookmark folder in the book.
Parents are trapped in the minutiae of managing their children, so when the child has a slight deviation, he will feel out of control, not only tired, but also feel huge pressure in the long run. Blindly pursuing "fine" and "precision" is easy to fall into the trap of "overrun effect".
This effect comes from a short story:
When Mark Twain listened to the pastor's speech, he initially felt that the pastor had spoken well and planned to make a donation;
After 10 minutes, before the pastor had finished speaking, he got impatient and decided to donate just some change;
After another 10 minutes, the pastor hadn't finished his speech, and he decided not to donate.
When the pastor finally finished his speech and began to solicit donations, the over-angry Mark Murphy was overwhelmed. Not only did Twain donate nothing, but he also took $2 from his plate.
This phenomenon of rebellious psychology caused by too much stimulation or too long of action is the "overrun effect".
We do the same when it comes to educating children:
When fragmented thoughts become the daily routine of educating children, and children are stimulated too much or for too long, they will have a tendency to escape, which is a kind of self-protection out of human instinct.
At this time, the concern of parents can only become the nagging of the child "in the left ear and out in the right ear".
Even if we are right, the "overrun effect" will make children go from guilt and anxiety to impatience, and finally to disgust, and even rebellion.
In fact, we don't need to nag him or dismantle him immediately.
There's an old saying? When the water is clear, there are no fish, and when people are observed, there are no fugitives.
There are some things that parents can pretend not to know, and education should be appropriately left blank.
01.
If you are too embarrassed to make your child, you can pretend not to know
Xi Murong, a famous Taiwanese writer, had very unsatisfactory grades when he was a child.
In one exam, there were more than 40 children in the class, and she ranked 35th.
But this score can't be paid badly anyway, so she thought of a way at that time, pasted the score with a slip of paper, and wrote on it that she ranked 5th.
When she handed the report card to her mother in fear, she regretted it, because this method is full of flaws, and it is easy for a discerning person to see through it.
But her mother just told her calmly: "Why did the teacher make the report card so dirty, some of it can't be seen clearly, you can ask the teacher tomorrow, and then tell your mother the results, okay?" ”
She knew that her mother was pretending to be "confused" and giving herself a step, and the next night she mustered up the courage to confess everything to her mother.
It was the mother's "pretending not to know" that nurtured her daughter's self-esteem, made her reflect on her behavior, and also inspired her to work hard, and finally achieved a place in literature and other fields.
Many children make mistakes, and from the bottom of their hearts, they hope that their parents will save enough face for themselves.
Therefore, the biggest blank space in education is a family's strong tolerance and tolerance.
There are some things that we don't need to jump on immediately, we can pretend not to know, and give children a "space" for self-correction.
02.
Small things that do not involve principles, it is possible to pretend not to know
In addition to caring about the child's face, we must also protect the child's emotions to a certain extent.
I remember Professor Li Meijin said in a lecture, "When a child does something wrong, you should pretend that you don't see it, don't think so, and praise him when he does it right." ”
She said that in "behaviorist" psychology, when parents yell at their children, they are reinforcing the child's wrong behavior.
The child will only deepen the impression of the incident, but he will not understand why you are yelling, so he will be afraid to make similar mistakes in the future, and he may become timid in doing things.
Therefore, Li Meijin suggested that when a child makes a mistake, the best response for parents is to pretend not to see it first, let the child explore slowly by himself, and then encourage the parents when he does it right.
The key to protecting children's emotions is to be parents with a stable core first.
Some time ago, there was a very popular TV series "My Altay", in which Zhang Fengxia's mentality is particularly stable, and he is called the "ceiling" of his mother by netizens.
One of the episodes is that the daughter accidentally lost her grandmother in the market, and she couldn't find it in many places.
After the mother learned the news, she did not criticize her daughter, but first calmed down and found the old man.
Afterwards, the daughter apologized to her mother, but her mother comforted her and said, "What is there to be sorry for, I often lose my grandmother, and it will be enough to get her back!" ”
Every child who makes a mistake is extremely apprehensive in his heart, and what parents do to their children at this time determines the direction of his life.
Parents' pretending not to know will make the child have enough security that he will stop rebelling and blaming himself, and continue to explore himself outward.
03.
Children can pretend not to know what they are capable of handling on their own
The other thing is that we have to live a little slower, but we don't care about what the child is capable of doing.
Because people have to face many difficulties in this life, if parents do everything themselves and manage everything, then it is difficult for children to have the opportunity to spread their wings and fly high.
When I was a child, I often became selectively "deaf".
For example, "Mom, my shoes are dirty, can you brush them for me?" ”
"Mom is very busy now, you can try to brush it yourself, it must be cleaner than Mom's."
"Mom, how do you pronounce this word?"
"Mom won't either, you look up the dictionary and learn to teach mom okay?"
If your child has the ability to deal with good things, he is encouraged to solve problems on his own and make a real connection with the world.
When a child realizes that life is decided and responsible for himself, and wants to understand how to live his life, then whether it is learning or living, it becomes a natural thing for him.
Speaking of which, it's because parents do more and leave less white space.
I am reminded of a sociologist who said, "Civilization is idle." ”
Leisure time, like the blank space in Chinese painting, is a part of art, which always gives people infinite imagination and beautiful experience.
Educating a child is the same, only when the child is given enough time and space to breathe freely, can he have the opportunity to imagine and think.
Blank education can cultivate their self-learning ability, independent thinking ability and personality development, and then self-confidence will be slowly cultivated.
Then, the child's future road must be full of stamina.