A psychological counselor takes you into your own inner world, like the attention of it!
Text/Old K
A few days ago, I met such a visitor when I was approaching the case.
Since the child was diagnosed with depression, the mother has been concerned about the child's every move every day.
For example:
If the child eats less, is it seriously depressed?
If today's child doesn't talk to me, is he doing something wrong?
Seeing that the child does not want to go out, is it how to ......
It can be seen that mothers do love their children very much, but there is a principle called "don't ask for help, don't help" when solving psychological problems.
If the child is depressed, the family should do what to do, if the child really needs help will ask you for help, the help at this time is effective, but excessive attention to the child will give the other party a sense of oppression and pain.
Later, when I was communicating with this child, the child said to me:
I have been arranged very well by my parents in my life, and I will not be more perfect than my parents, I don't know what else I can do if I stay in this world.
"Big Pack" is "Toxic Love"
I remember reading a story before.
Educator Sora moved from Shanghai to Israel 30 years ago with three children, believing that children's education should be:
Do everything for your children, and give your time, life, status, and money to your children.
After arriving in Israel, the neighbor visited her house one day and found that she was busy cooking, and then serving the child bowl after bowl, just like an "old mother" serving the child, the neighbor could not stand it and said to the child:
You just watched your mother serve you food, and you didn't even want to lift your hand?
He turned around and said to his mother:
You are an educator, and you don't know the basics, even though you are the mother of your children.
But parents love their children with boundaries, proportions and principles.
These seemingly merciless precepts, although not good, awakened sora. Later, she finally understood that all-encompassing love is not love, but toxic love.
Later, she changed the way she treated her children, and finally cultivated excellent children, and she also wrote the popular "Special Cruelty and Special Love" that swept the world.
Many times when parents "do everything" like this, the child's psychological boundaries are constantly violated, but because it is a blood relationship after all, the child also needs to bear the moral guilt, because you are good for me, how can I not only appreciate it but also be unhappy?
Therefore, clinically, it can be found that most of the children who are "arranged" are actually very weak themselves, and they often do not have their true selves.
Renowned psychotherapist Susan · Foward said:
"Everyone has a specific order in their inner world, and establishing psychological boundaries is not selfish, but to let your affairs belong to you and my affairs to me."
Some time ago, there was a very popular drama "The Story of Rose", Zhuang Guodong's father put the sense of boundary in place, what did he say about respect and boundaries:
It is to allow others to do things according to their own wishes, to speak, not to accuse, not to interfere, and not to force others to accept their own views, which is called respect.
After Zhuang Guodong was messed up by the roses, his father came to the house without interfering with anything, and finally left a sentence: clean up your own mess, clean up by yourself, and take a taxi back and forth for a total of 49 yuan, and return it to me next time.
We see that Zhuang Guodong can make his own choices and choices in his own career, and behind the choice is the family's non-intervention. But his mother is the opposite, if his father interferes with him as much as his mother, will he have such an independent personality later?
There is a kind of love called letting go
I remember a catchy song many years ago, the lyrics were "There is a love called letting go".
The famous TV host Yang Lan once said on the show:
Success as a mom is about allowing your child to leave you successfully. In the end, it is necessary to let go, and finally let him go to his own world and achieve his own life.
I have seen a very shocking passage that says: "All the love in this world is for reunion, but only the love of parents points to separation."
You have seen the animal world, every time you see a cat grow up to a certain age, it will be driven away by the mother, no matter how much the mother loves her children in the past, she will drive them away when she grows up, if the child is not willing to go, the mother will define it as an "enemy" and attack the child, in fact, this is a kind of "nature".
Humans may seem "cruel" and "ruthless" in their behavior, but they can survive for generations, and they are born with the genes that know that they cannot accompany their children for the rest of their lives, so they must be allowed to leave them in order to continue the genes of the species.
Although many parents often say: "I hope that my child will grow up quickly", in fact, parents still do not want their children to grow up in their hearts, because they are afraid that their children will leave and will no longer be under their control.
I know that every time I write an article on this kind of topic, there will be parents who are very confused, as if it is not right to do it themselves, and it is not right to do that, why are you psychiatrists so troublesome, as if everything is the problem of our parents.
In fact, I especially understand why parents are so resistant when today's children want to communicate these issues with their parents on an equal footing.
Because they are accustomed to being an authority in their eyes, when someone starts to challenge these things and wants to communicate on an equal footing, these parents will define it as "accusation", so it provokes a strong "psychological defense".
But in fact, all normal psychological discussions of parent-child relationships are based on "attribution" rather than "imputation". Only by understanding the root cause of the problem and adjusting it in time is the root of solving the problem, if we only cover up the problem, just like using countless lies to round a lie, it will only make the simplest problem more perverted and complicated.
So love your child and learn to let go!