Hello, I'm Oxygen, a post-70s psychotherapist who likes to write.
Recently, my girlfriend told me about a recent incident that happened to her, her 8-year-old son, who was very depressed at school because of an argument with his classmates, and has been depressed since returning home.
She saw that the child was in a bad mood and was very anxious. kept asking what happened, the child didn't want to say, she forced the child to tell him.
After the child said that, she felt that the child was wrong, and blamed the child, saying that he should not quarrel with his classmates, and should learn to be patient and tolerant. Compare the child to other children who are doing well.
Later, the child became more emotional and began to cry. And shouted: You don't understand me at all, but only criticize me. I'm not going to say anything to you anymore.
Since then, the child is no longer willing to communicate with her, and the parent-child relationship has become strained.
She is also puzzled about what she did wrong to lead to this ending.
It can be seen from this incident of her best friend that she broke through the emotional boundaries of the child and did not give the child enough space to deal with her emotions, but increased the psychological burden of the child.
It is more appropriate to give the child emotional support and understanding first, and then guide the child to analyze and solve the problem after the child is emotionally stable.
Break through boundaries to help children deal with emotions,
The child is becoming more and more emotionally unable to take care of himself
When we push boundaries to help children get out of their emotions, it can often backfire, making them more dependent on others for emotional management and unable to take care of themselves.
For example, a child has a conflict with his classmates at school, feels very aggrieved and cries.
If parents are overly involved, they will directly seek out the teacher's theory or severely criticize the other classmate to "seek justice" for their children.
This seems to help the child solve the current emotional problems, but the child has not learned to deal with conflicts and regulate emotions by himself.
The next time they encounter a similar situation, they still don't know how to deal with it, and they will only expect their parents to solve it for them again, which will lead to more and more emotional inability to take care of themselves.
Children are like people who need to understand and grow in practice, if others always go through and deal with problems instead of them,
They can never really learn to cope with various situations, including managing their emotions.
When children are facing emotional problems, we need to guide them appropriately, rather than pushing the boundaries too much to help them.
Give your child enough space and opportunities to learn to manage their emotions so they can truly grow.
If you violate your child's boundaries first,
You just have to apologize
When parents violate their children's boundaries, it is likely to trigger bad feelings in their children. In this case, it is very important to apologize in a timely manner.
For example, parents can look through their children's diaries without their consent. The child was very angry and sad when he found out, and felt that his privacy had been violated.
At this time, if parents can recognize their mistakes, sincerely apologize to their children, and say "Baby, I'm sorry, Mom and Dad shouldn't read your diary without your consent, this is an invasion of your privacy, we must pay attention to it in the future." ”
Children may be more receptive and feel respected. Such an apology can ease the child's emotions and repair the parent-child relationship.
"If a person is not a sage, he can do no wrong. After that, it can be changed, and it is very good. ”
Parents are also not perfect, and it is a positive act to correct mistakes and apologize to their children in time.
If the parent violates the child's boundaries and causes the child to be emotional, it is very necessary to apologize sincerely.
This will not only ease your child's emotions, but also teach your child to respect the boundaries of others, while also helping to build a good parent-child relationship.
If your child's emotions spark your emotions,
You isolate yourself and stay away from your children
When the child's emotions stimulate the parents' emotions, choosing to isolate themselves and stay away from the child is a more rational way to deal with it.
In the actual case, the child had a conflict with a classmate at school, and when he came home, he was very agitated, crying loudly and losing his temper.
When parents see their children like this, they may also be emotionally aroused because of distress, anxiety or irritability.
If parents are unable to control their emotions at this time, they may blame or over-preach their children, which will not only fail to solve the problem, but may also make the situation worse.
Conversely, if parents can realize that their emotions are aroused, they choose to leave their children for a while, go to another room or take a walk outside to calm themselves down.
After the emotions have calmed down, come back and communicate with the child with a calm mind, and the effect will be much better.
"Endure the calm for a while, take a step back and open the sky",
When the child is emotionally aroused, choose temporary concession and isolation in order to better deal with the problem.
When your child's emotions stir up their own emotions, it is wise to choose to isolate themselves and stay away from your child.
This will avoid making bad decisions when emotions are high and will also help children better deal with their emotional issues.
When dealing with your child's emotions
Book recommendations that maintain a sense of boundaries
"Boundary Sense: Parents Do Less, Children Know More"
• Author: Li Shaocong.
• Introduction: This book emphasizes the importance of a sense of boundaries in homeschooling, covering a variety of tips and methods for communicating with children.
For example, clarifying rules and boundaries, respecting children's wishes, leading by example, identifying and solving problems, developing children's ability to be alone, and teaching children to respect the boundaries of others.
Through specific cases and practical advice, we help parents maintain appropriate boundaries when dealing with their children's emotional and behavioral problems.
Let children learn self-management and independent thinking within a certain range, so as to grow better.
I'm Oxygen, a middle-aged girl who grew up with you.