Here's our #Visitor Talk # column. We invited some friends to tell their stories about ourselves and counseling, and the changes it has brought about.
Today's article is from Nancy, "Why am I trying so hard that I still can't get along well with others?" With such a trouble, she went into the consultation room.
In counseling, she learned to get angry, to get along with people, and to deal with emotions.
"I am timid, timid, and withdrawn, but there is a place where I can have one person."
In fact, before consulting, I had a lot of ideas for consulting.
I thought that consulting would be a very easy thing, I thought that many things would be improved by consulting... But this is not the case.
01
I seem to have a problem, but what is that problem?
I was in college and started to realize that something wasn't quite right.
Why am I always so emotional? Why do I always get around in a relationship? Why am I having a good acquaintance with everyone first, and then all arguing?
At that time, I didn't have psychological counseling, but I just thought it was strange, "Why is this happening?"
One of the things I've always been particularly proud of is that I've encountered so much isolation and apathy that I don't have depression, isn't that remarkable?
When I proudly talked to the counselor about it in the consultation, he had a dignified face. I didn't understand his thoughts at the time, and I learned later that there was something else behind the lack of depression.
When I was a child, I was bullied by my classmates and robbed of my things; when I was in junior high school, I was isolated and deliberately straightened out, and at that time, I had to go to the kitchen every day to see the kitchen knife, thinking, "I can't live anymore, I will commit suicide."
This gray life lasted for more than a year, and since then, I have encountered a lot of isolation and indifference.
What I've always wondered is that I seem to have a problem, but what is the problem?
Image source: The Story of Adele Hugo
The first consultation was when I was in college, when my dorm relationship was particularly bad, and in the six-person dormitory, I was always at odds with others.
In fact, looking back carefully on these days, it seems that the reason for every consultation is because of the bad relationship with others.
I once asked him this question when I went to a psychiatrist, and I said, "How can I handle a relationship?" At that time, the teacher replied to me, saying, "You can't expect your external world to get better, you can only expect yourself to become stronger." ”
This sentence was said in May 2020, and I still find it particularly useful to this day.
02
For people drowning, any driftwood is an island
When I was in college for a few years, I looked for a lot of ways, and later I thought about going to consult, but there were basically not many consultants in the small county of my family. And it was 2014, and there was no online psychological counseling platform, all of which were not available, so that time was really helpless. I was thinking about asking for advice, but I never found it.
Later, it was also because the relationship with my classmates was not very good during college, and then I just happened to see simple psychology, when I was exposed to simple psychology, it was my junior year, and in the second semester of my junior year, I first used Jane's "Talking Hotline".
In the absence of consultation, it was really used as a life-saving straw, at that time, if there was no "hotline", I probably would not be able to go today.
I felt something was wrong at the time, why did I work so hard and still couldn't get along with others?
Image source: Camille Claudel
It took me four years to find the answer to this question.
When I graduated from college, I came to Shenzhen. In Shenzhen, I began to contact many psychological counselors. At that time, I felt in my heart that I must find someone who could help me.
However, at that time, I had just graduated from college, the internship salary was not paid, and I basically had no money on me, relying on the living expenses given by my parents - in this case, how do I solve the problem? Simply not realistic.
Later, I participated in Jianxin's "pre-consultation". Special thanks to Pre-Consulting, where I met my current consultant and we have been working for three years since 18 years.
It was a particular coincidence that I was so confused that the pre-counseling teacher would reject me, and I even told him that although I lived far away, I was willing to drive over in two or three hours, as long as you didn't reject me.
I remember that I was very panicked when I first consulted, and I got lost when I went. At that time, I saw him sitting there alone, and suddenly I thought to myself, he looks so young, oh, will he feel that this person does not have money to do counseling, will he think of me how...
Really, I deeply remember the first time I saw him, until today, two years later, and I don't even feel like I'll ever forget it.
03
I'm only 24 years old and I want to give it a try
In June 2019, while searching the Internet, I suddenly saw a story about borderline personality, and I learned at the time that my problem was called BPD.
It was a story about drowning.
Say a little girl, she had not yet learned to swim, she was thrown off the boat by others, she did not know what to do, she was soaking in the sea, until one day later, she met an old man, the old man taught her to swim, taught her to get along, taught her how to learn. Then one day, she said to the old man, "I've learned to swim, I'm going to get out of here, I'm going to see the outside world."
When I saw the story, I had been doing counseling for more than a year. During the consultation, I ask the counselor, "Am I a borderline personality?"
He said that your borderline personality traits are more heavy. At that time, my whole person was not good, I looked for the answer for so long, I was particularly desperate when I knew, I had not considered the marginal personality, and no one around me knew this.
What should I do?
Image source: London Life
I thought counseling would save me, and in retrospect I feel like I did the right thing.
Although I only worked with my consultant for half a year at that time, there was actually no progress in half a year, but I still wanted to try it, I thought it should be OK, so I consulted with this mood until now.
By now, I have found my original answer.
Marginality is a personality trait. But I really don't want to, if I am 40 or 50 years old this year, then I accept it, but I am only 24 ah, I want to try.
The consultation worked this year, and the process of this effect was not easy at all, it was particularly painful.
One night, I was particularly irritable when I thought about the estrangement of my colleagues, but I remembered what my leader said, I will treat you well - I have been staying in the current company because of this sentence, because of the so-called weight of leadership.
But one night, I suddenly understood, did the leader really treat me well? He just wants me to do more work, is the colleague relationship really important? It seems like that's it.
Those that took me a long, long time to figure it out, were understood in one night, and it was painful at the time, and I cried until 3 a.m. At that time, I felt that the whole sky had collapsed, my leadership was like this, my colleagues were like this, and I had always been wrong.
This kind of labor pain has happened many times, and there was a time when I especially hated to go to the consultation, and I wanted to find a doctor to see if there was any medicine that could be solved. The doctor told me that if it was possible, the consultation would be rewarding for a long time; and drugs, such as fluoxetine lithium carbonate, did not work much for me.
I ended up not taking my medicine and the consultation went on.
Image source: Melrose
04
Gradually, life began to have traces to follow
Later, after meeting my counselor, I met a lot of interesting people and things.
I suddenly found that I was starting to have relatively good friends, the kind of friends who didn't dislike me. My friends used to scold me all the time, but I didn't have any friends at the time, so I had to be friends with them.
I started to get angry, I didn't dare to get angry before. At that time, I was angry because I blamed my counselor in the consultation, and my counselor expressed anger, and I learned it.
I really started with counseling, and I started learning these things. No one had taught me before.
The most I got from growing up was accusations, and my parents would only tell you: "You don't understand, you're not smart, I taught you, you don't listen." "But I just won't, I'm trying very hard to learn." Why didn't anyone tell me? Even if you listen to me, it's good.
Later, I went to college, I met a lot of netizens, I cried with netizens, one was impatient to find the next netizen, just like the girl in the story floating on the sea, until I met my consultant, although he also has shortcomings, but finally someone can listen to me.
Image source: Soul Shifter
My life has changed since consulting. Originally, I was very envious of others, they knew how to get along with people, they knew how to deal with emotions, and I would not, I could only learn little by little from counseling.
It's common for me to cry until three in the morning when I'm depressed, it took me two years with my counselor to stabilize my mood, it took me two years to finally stop crying every day, and when my mood suddenly dropped, I knew what to do.
The counselor told me that it didn't matter if I didn't learn to get along with people, told me that I could take it slow, don't rush to label myself, and that borderline personality traits are not so scary.
I think of counseling as a tree hole, I am timid, timid, lonely, but there is a place where I can have it.
From childhood to adulthood, I was always afraid, in order to make myself not afraid, I looked for someone to cry every night, I trusted the relationship to find a job that was not good, I did not dare to resign, I looked for affirmation from one person after another, looking for recognition, even if it was a personal scum, I could not do it.
05
It's too hard to face your heart, but it's worth it
Later, I began to learn to live slowly for myself, although it was particularly hard for me to work while taking the graduate school, but I wanted to work hard, not because of others, but because I had to take the exam myself.
I began to feel a sense of control, and slowly began to become what I had expected when I first started consulting. During the three years of counseling, I learned to argue, to mend relationships, to learn interpersonal relationships, to learn things that others would have done long ago but were difficult for me. Sometimes I will encounter bullying from others. But I wasn't scared anymore because my counselor was there, he was there, and I felt like I wanted to be someone like him, and I was looking forward to a good relationship, and I wanted to give it a try because I was still young.
I was at KFC, typing these words while crying, looking back on these three years, even though I was poor, I am very grateful to meet my counselor and start a very difficult and worthwhile story.
Counseling is never easy, and it's too hard to face your heart, but it's worth it.
Image source: "Two Flowers"
Now, compared with when I first started consulting, I can live for myself, I can work hard for my goals, and I can give up relationships, which are all brought about by counseling.
I began to accept myself, sleep when I was in a bad mood, and find someone to cry when I couldn't think straight, but this kind of crying was different from the previous crying, this was a kind of choice of my own, no longer the last resort to grasp the emotions.
Thank you very much for being able to meet the consultation in the cool and thin world, and thank you for never giving up hope and persistence no matter how difficult it is.
As the author says, it's too hard to face your heart, but it's worth it.
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