You came to consult "empty-handed" and did not prepare anything in advance. Time and money are passing, but your brain is blank. You're blaming yourself for not taking the time to prepare.
But have you ever thought that maybe "no trick wins", and unpreparedness is the best preparation?
You are three minutes late because you can't find a parking space.
You run to the building of the consultation room and forget which door to enter from.
Before you sat down in the waiting room, the counselor was already motioning for you to enter at the door.
"Good morning." She greeted her in her usual tone.
You finally sit down on the couch, turn off your phone, and take a deep breath.
All right. What am I going to talk about this time?
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As a psychologist who has counseled hundreds of thousands of clients, I can say that many of the best counseling sessions are not planned. In fact, many times the more you plan ahead for a consultation, the less impact it can have.
Let's take a step back. You want to be as well prepared as possible, which is completely understandable. You came to the counseling room to alleviate your problem, so you want to make sure that the talks cover all aspects of the issue. You plan to share all the details about the issue while giving the counselor enough time to post their observations and suggestions. Every minute and every minute in the counseling room costs money, so you want to make the most of every moment. The client provides "A+B" and the consultant provides "=C", right? Isn't that the common way of working in other industries?
When you go to the doctor: you describe your symptoms and they offer treatment.
When you go to a financial advisor: you carry investment goals and pay stubs, and they recommend certain wealth management products.
When you go to the barbershop: you bring a photo of your ideal hairstyle and they refer to the photo to cut your hair.
Why is psychological counseling different?
There is an important difference between counseling and these examples – I think counseling is both a "classroom" and a "laboratory" in mind.
I think counseling is "classroom" because you get methods, observations, and insights from counseling (although most counselors don't really teach you anything).
But counseling is also a "laboratory" that allows your problem to manifest itself in the present moment, so that you and the counselor can work together to figure out how to solve it.
In other words, when you come to counseling, it's best to show yourself as you really are. If the real you are not always well prepared and organized, then you should also bring this aspect of yourself to counseling.
Let's say you come to the counseling room because of anxiety. Anxiety makes it difficult for you to perform at your best at work and to connect with friends and family. Anxiety problems are common and there is no need to be ashamed of them.
If you're always well prepared when you come to counseling and have a clear idea of what you're going to discuss that day, it's like a "classroom." You'll get a lesson on how to relax and manage your time, and these methods will help you a lot. They are useful knowledge, and if you can remember this, the future can be applied to life.
But if you really show your anxiety when you come to the counseling room and don't know what to talk about, this is the "lab." If you say, "I'm feeling very anxious and confused right now," then the problem you're dealing with really goes into the counseling room. Together we can comb through your feelings, find currently available ways to help you, and practice overcoming your anxiety in real social situations. Together, we can share your experience of anxiety and deal with it together.
If you have nothing to say, why not talk about "nothing to say"? Maybe you can learn how to express yourself and solve problems in the moment. Then you have both a "classroom" for learning practical knowledge and a "laboratory" for practicing solving problems in real-world situations.
Contemporary psychotherapeutic guru Owen Yaron has mentioned that "the here and now, the moment when the client's immediate needs are matched by the counselor's immediate intervention, is crucial."
He writes, "The client's problems in interpersonal relationships will manifest themselves in the present and now of the therapeutic relationship. In other words, if an issue is a problem in life, it will eventually become a problem in counseling as well. But in the consulting room, the problem is safe, because now you can work together to solve it.
Maybe giving some hints will make it easier for you to start a discussion. If you feel completely unprepared, try asking yourself the following questions:
01
What self-awareness have I had this week?
Take a deep breath and look back on the week. What have you observed about yourself? Is it easy to be nervous when in the focus of the crowd? Did you curry favor with an annoying colleague? Do you let other people's things take up your own time and neglect to take care of yourself? Anything goes, and whether you observe it positively or not, you'll find discussion material in it.
02
What do I want?
Answer intuitively. What do you really want? Have more time of your own? Make more friends? Less obligation? Get well taken care of? Checking yourself what you want can give you an idea of what other places in your life aren't as good as you want and provide plenty of material for discussion.
03
How am I feeling right now?
Yes, that's the classic problem in counseling. Identifying your emotions isn't the only point of counseling, but emotions provide key information that can help you understand your spontaneous reactions to life. Now, are you feeling anxious or angry because you don't know what to say? That's a good point to start the discussion.
04
Where has our consultation gone?
In consulting work, it is natural to "summarize". So, what stage of consultation are you in now? How do you feel about a consultant? Have you reached your goal and think it's time to end your consultation? Ever been frustrated by not understanding the terminology of a consultant? Let's talk about these questions.
05
What are my consulting goals?
Typically, the client and the consultant will establish the goal of the consultation during the first few meetings. If you don't know what to talk about, reviewing these goals might be a good place to start. For example, you want to become more assertive and confident and able to apply for a promotion at work. So what's going on in this regard?
Not preparing "to be discussed" before a consultation allows the consultation to start from where you are currently in, rather than from a script that you have prepared. This may sound scary, because planning ahead may help you control where your counseling goes, and being unprepared can feel vulnerable. However, next time you can try it, maybe you will find that this is the best meeting in the whole consultation process.
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