Author | Creative Group Makino
Some time ago, I saw a netizen share: Dad work is relatively idle, grew up with her, mom has been earning money outside for many years, and has little energy to take care of her.
She had thought that her favorite would always be her father throughout her childhood.
Unexpectedly, when she grew up, her complete and firm love for her father was easily "taken" away by her mother, who was rarely by her side since childhood, with money.
There are many netizens in the comment area who understand that everyone feels that for children, especially adolescent children, in the process of socialization when they grow up, the material help of parents can indeed give them a great help.
Some netizens also think that this daughter is too snobbish, her father has worked hard to take care of her at home for more than 20 years, she not only does not know gratitude, but when she grows up, she loves the mother who will earn money and rarely accompanies her since she was a child. In order to avoid causing misunderstanding, the daughter who posted the article has already said in the text that she does not love her father, but when she grows up, in the face of the pressure of the adult world, she begins to need the sense of strength provided by her mother, she wants to get her mother's experience guidance, and she also wants to be able to have a successful career like her mother. When she grows up, loving her mother does not prevent her from still loving her father.
Indeed, leaving aside the controversy of "how do we interpret our children's love," this matter is actually quite simple. It is nothing more than that at different stages of a child's life, parents play different roles.
In this story, the father provides the emotional value and security that the child needs to grow up, and the mother provides the survival value to help the child adapt to the world more powerfully.
Of course, there are also many families, the mother who accompanies the child growing up inside, the father who makes money outside, and the corresponding part of the emotional value is provided by the mother, and the sense of strength to bravely break into the world comes from the father. Mom and Dad are equally important to their children's development.
Many people say that children are the biggest "negative people" in the world. Especially adolescent children, obviously before the small cotton jacket, a blink of an eye into the leaking "black heart cotton".
In fact, it is not that children do not love us anymore, but that their growth needs have been changing with age.
When you are young, the companionship of your parents can make your child feel safe, and when you grow up, your parents' positive role model can give your child positive emotional value. And unconditional love allows children to have no worries and have the courage to grow into a stronger self.
The child will eventually become an independent self.
As a parent, it is better to do these three things well in the process of children's growth:
Pocket ability
I used to do a parent-child activity in the classroom, which was very simple, asking parents to read a letter to their children. A letter written by a dad to his daughter who is a freshman in high school impressed me very much: Child, I know that you have been under a lot of pressure lately, but don't forget that mom and dad have been behind you. If you're worried about not doing well, don't be afraid, it doesn't mean you've failed.
If you can't go to college in the future, it doesn't matter, we can do business, we can learn crafts, the worst, and mom and dad raise you. Your life is still a long way to go, and high school is just one of your countless landscapes. Hold on a little longer, and look back years later, and the current predicament is nothing at all. As long as you work hard, you will not regret it, fail, start again, go home, you are still our most cherished baby.
I still remember that picture: the girl whose father finished reading the letter, the girl who had just been in high school, because he couldn't keep up with the curriculum, the whole person was gray, the tears in the corners of his eyes flashed, and the smile overflowed all over his face. I think that the feeling of being infinitely cared for, supported and trusted by dad will be like a beacon, illuminating the countless times in the future of children.
Many of today's adolescent problems arise precisely because of communication. Many parents also have this concern: they are not afraid of their children encountering difficulties, they are afraid that their children will not trust their parents after encountering difficulties, and they are unwilling to talk to their parents.
In the years of being a teacher, many parents have told me that since middle school, the topic between children and us has become less and less, and we always want to get closer to them and know more about them, but children always want to run away from us.
In my opinion, there are many reasons for this: there are the rebellious elements of adolescence, and there are also children who are flustered and unprepared when they first break away from the "test flight" of their parents' arms.
Parents can tolerate their confusion, understand their panic as they prepare to grow into adulthood, and let them know that no matter what, we will always stand behind them.
Isn't the reason why children are children and adults are adults because we are their parents and teachers on their life path?
As Long Yingtai wrote in "Eye Sending": "The so-called parents and children are a game, but it means that your fate with him is that you and this life continue to watch his back fade away." ”
The ability to bottom up is more like the sense of security that parents give their children. When children encounter difficulties, there is a lamp in front of them and a port behind them. Parents give their children the ability to cover both the present and the future. It is when we leave one day, the sense of security we give them can still be transformed into spiritual strength to accompany the child all the time.
Unconditional love
Recently, I read "Zheng Yuanjie's Family Education Class", which said that Zheng Yuanjie took his son back home to teach himself after finding that the school's education was not suitable for his son Zheng Yaqi. In order to teach his son well, he spent two years and wrote ten story-style family textbooks. The textbooks he compiles, including moral cultivation, life skills, subject content, culture and art, cover almost every stage of children's growth.
The picture comes from "Zheng Yuanjie Family Education Class" Zheng Yaqi also grew up to be a very outstanding person under the careful education of his father. He was the producer of pipilu and Rusisi's canned villain, which aired in September last year.
Some people say that Zheng Yuanjie created a fairy tale world that stayed on the plane; now, Zheng Yaqi carries forward his father's fairy tale cause.
Daughter Zheng Yafei, before the second year of junior high school, her grades were relatively average. But she is more suitable for the school's way of education and also likes group life. Zheng Yuanjie believes that her daughter's temporary grades are average, it is not something worth worrying about, what is really important is the college entrance examination results. He knows the true level of his daughter's learning, and he also knows at what stage it is more appropriate for her daughter to exert her strength.
Sure enough, his daughter graduated from the third year of high school and won the first place in the whole year and became a school bully. All the way through the barriers, he was admitted to 6 famous American schools.
Know what kind of education is suitable for children, know how to keep children strong, and know which grade is suitable for acceleration. All this is inseparable from the super concentration of Zheng Yuanjie, the father.
Unconditional love is not coddling or laissez-faire; on the contrary, it is the ability to encourage, believe and support children as always, no matter how they are.
There is a question on Zhihu: "What is unconditional love for children?" ”
Netizens replied:
To sum up, there are 5 points: respect, acceptance, understanding, non-taking, and mutual achievement.
Just like Zheng Yuanjie, there is no strict constraint on the same standard for the treatment of two children, but to teach according to their aptitudes and give them the nutrients they need for development.
Unconditional love, no exchange, no intimidation, no threat. Instead, tell your child that Mom and Dad love you just because you're you.
In the book "Rosie and Cider", the author recalls his childhood, although it was at the end of the First World War and social unrest, but in his childhood memory, the four seasons were full of joy.
It's all because he has a strong and optimistic mother no matter where he is.
In the picturesque Cotswolds countryside, the mother carries a large group of children, the food is poor, the wooden houses are dilapidated, and the father does not know the return date. Although the days are miserable, the author's mother can always live a difficult day. She would take her children to pick wild fruits from the woods in the summer and taste the ice on the eaves in the winter. Dancing in the hut, putting on silk pajamas and playing the piano, elegant like an aristocratic maiden in an oil painting. In the most chaotic times, these children have the happiest memories.
The optimism of the mother allows the children to live in the warmth of home all the time. The mother's self-reliance and ability to turn life into poetry in hard days also give children a good example.
As the author writes: "My first impression of my mother, she was a beautiful woman, strong and generous. Behind her neurotic chatter, there is always an invisible, solemn education. Psychologist Wu Zhihong once said: "Children are the receivers of parents' emotions." When the parent is upset, the child is immediately alert; when the parent relaxes, the child feels immediately happy. ”
The emotional value provided by parents for their children is actually to let the children approach you in a relaxed environment, and infect the children with positive emotions in a subtle way.
In my relationship with my daughter, I often "talk the opposite" to her. In previous basketball classes, she was too weak and often couldn't even get a rebound when pitching. Seeing her discouraged, as an old mother of loyal cheerleaders, I would always encourage her out loud with excitement: "Wow, it's so powerful, a little closer than yesterday." In fact, I just want to tell my children in this way: Every day, you are the best in the eyes of your mother.
Later, once, the daughter invited a friend to come to the house to play, and for some reason, the friend was picked up by her mother. Seeing her friend gone, her daughter hung her head in frustration: "Today was originally a good day, but now it has become a bad day." I was just about to go out to comfort, but she said: "It was not a good day, but my good friend has been playing with me for half a day, and it has become a beautiful day again." Unexpectedly, the emotional state I showed when I first faced her failure set a positive example for her and provided her with a lesson worth learning.
The parents' speech, behavior, and attitude are telling the child about your emotional state when you face things.
And this attitude is the root of the influence on children.
The ability of parents to give their children a sense of security is the sense of security we have established for their children, which has become their spiritual strength, so that this power can guide them to move forward without scruples; the unconditional love of parents for their children is our trust and support for them without mixing with any impurities, whether their grades are good or bad, excellent or not; and the emotional value provided by parents, the most profound meaning, is to let children develop an optimistic personality in a positive atmosphere, full of hope for the future.
The words and deeds of parents have become the role models and directions for children.
The educationalist Sukhomlinsky once said: "Without love, there is no education." The love of wise parents supports a child's sense of security, creativity and social adaptability.
Because the emotional undertones of love are greater than any scientific educational act. How to express love and how to implement "love" in daily life details and educational behavior is our life lesson.
There are no perfect children and no perfect parents.
But it is precisely because of our imperfections that life is given more possibilities. Let us think, create, support each other and grow together in the parent-child relationship.
Educating children is a compulsory course in the life of parents. May this lesson pave the way for the future of our children, and may our own lives be happy and fulfilled because of nurturing.
Let's encourage!
New Oriental Family Education (ID: xdfjtjy) transmits the concept of professional family education, provides family education information at home and abroad, and shares absorbable and operable methods and suggestions. Make continuous learning a habit for families.