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Rousseau said: "Nature shaped me and then broke the mold." "This is actually a good thing, and we should rejoice in it, because without the shackles of mold, we can show ourselves and be unique."
Unfortunately, many people do not understand "reserving differences", blindly "seek common ground", dare not be different from others, always refer to how others behave and do things, and then have a sample, in the words of Zhou Guoping: "They have lost the mold and reshaped themselves again with the public mold, and the result has become so similar to each other." ”
As her friend Lan Lan said when talking about her phoenix male ex: "We originally agreed to get married, but after I went home with him for the first time to meet his parents, he changed his mind, pulled his mother out as a shield, and said, 'My mother won't let me marry a second-married woman, saying that it is too cheap', at that moment, I really felt like a knife, not only because of his denial of me, but also because his lack of opinion made me disappointed." ”
There is no shortage of such people in life, they seem to have opinions when they are in front of you, but when someone else says something else to him, he will immediately turn the rudder and do what others say, especially when the other party is a parent or elder, they are more obedient.
Such a person is blindly "seeking the same", not only pursuing the same as others, but also caring about other people's opinions, always seeking the approval of others, whether others are well-intentioned or not. This can lead to them being directionless because they listen to the wind is rain, and eventually they don't know where to go.
Not only Lan Lan's ex-boyfriend, she herself has made similar mistakes, before her ex-boyfriend denied her, she also heard a lot of remarks that looked down on the second-married woman, she was very concerned in her heart, but pretended to be indifferent on the outside. Although she did not explicitly deny herself, this kind of concern for the opinions of others is also blindly "seeking the same".
In the book "When You Learn to Be Alone", Zhou Guoping gave a detailed explanation of this kind of person: "If a person always lives according to the opinions of others, does not have his own independent thinking, does not have his own inner life, and says that he is not himself, he has not wronged him at all." For it is true that from his mind to his heart, he can no longer find anything of his own, he is just a shadow of someone else. ”
Lan Lan's method of finding herself and doing her own after that is similar to how to do it is similar to how Zhou Guoping summarized, and we will combine it together to talk about it in detail.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="11" > learn to be friends with yourself and be self-loving. </h1>
Zhou Guoping said: "If love is an art, then proper self-love is a quality, and only people with this quality can become artists of love." ”
I think that "proper self-love" in this sentence refers to "clean self-love", not only to have self-love in the conventional sense, but also to know how to clean up the unfavorable factors that hinder their self-love.
A person who cannot clean himself up and love himself is an emotionally handicapped person, who is either very selfish and loves only himself; or pretends to be selfless and says that he loves others very much, but he cannot stand scrutiny, he does not even love himself, how can he love others. Such a person can not only become a friend of others, but also cannot become a friend of his own.
When it comes to friends, we often understand that we start from ourselves to make friends with others, in fact, this is only a one-sided understanding, because in addition to others, they are their most important friends, Zhou Guoping said that if there is a lack of "their own" friends, even if a person has friends all over the world, it is only a superficial hilarity, in fact, he is empty.
After Lan Lan was broken up at that time, he confessed that he actually cared about his marriage history in his heart, afraid of being looked down upon by others. I asked her why she thought this, she said that other people's eyes are there, she can't not care, and: "I can't live only in my own world from now on, I still have to get along with people, if I don't care about other people's eyes, I'm afraid I'll fall alone and not be able to blend into other people's circles." 」 ”
I then asked her, "Do you think you care about other people's eyes and can blend into other people's circles?" What if you fit in? Will others ignore your past because of this? Someone may not say anything when they're in front of you, but what about in front of someone else? This kind of problem is endless and endless, and if you keep thinking about it, sooner or later you will exhaust yourself to death. ”
She asked me weakly, "I don't care if it really works?" I told her very firmly: "You are yourself, everything you experience belongs to you, and you should ignore the prejudices of others as if you did not care about your own past." 」 Even if the outer self can't do this, the inner self must have a self that can do this, let the two be friends and supervise each other. ”
When she first started doing this, like many people, she was terrified, thinking that she was walking a tightrope, afraid that others would stare at her and point. But after a while, she didn't think like that, because without those distractions, she lived a very peaceful life, got used to pleasing herself, learned how to love herself, and at the same time understood how to love people who were really worth loving while self-love.
<h1 class="pgc-h-arrow-right" data-track="20" > learn to dissolve pain at any time and be self-reliant. </h1>
Zhou Guoping said: "Everyone is a biological and psychological individual after all, and the most serious pain and itch is only the most truly perceived by himself. A lot of pain in life cannot be shared, and the love of others can only divert your attention from pain, but it cannot change the essence of pain. Even in a shared suffering, everyone must bear their own share of the pain alone, and this pain will not be alleviated because you have a friend. ”
In fact, if a person can achieve "clean self-love", if he can be friends with his inner self, while deeply feeling the inner beauty, he can also deeply feel the inner pain, he can understand without anyone reminding him that human sorrow and joy are not connected, and his own pain can only be borne by himself.
For example, lan lan mentioned above, after she changed because of the conversation with me, her ability to dissolve the pain of the past has also become stronger, in her words: "In terms of method and direction, I can ask you for advice, but the pain in my heart can only be borne by myself, even if you sympathize with me, but you are not me after all." But one thing you woke me up, how I don't care about the eyes of others, how to do not care about the pain of the past. ”
The key point of her realization lies in the sentence we mentioned in the above point: "Make friends between the inner self and the outer self, and supervise each other." The meaning of this sentence is that the inner self is the most true self, the external self is equivalent to a cold-eyed bystander and critic, and when the inner self feels pain, the external self can point out the root of the problem in one sentence from the perspective of the bystander. This kind of inner self and external self-cooperation is actually a kind of self-reliance, combining self-reliance and self-love, you will really know how to love, I hope you understand.