Ding, ding, ding, WeChat received three identical messages: "We have been five years, if we don't tie the knot, let's divide it!" ”
Is this David's ultimatum? In love for 5 years, he has been proposing to me, I have been hesitant: reject him, I may not find the right one again; promise him, if not happy, why start?!
I'm 33, single, and in love three times for the purpose of marriage. The other party is very good, but when it comes to marriage, I am restless. The first time, I was 24 years old and not ready to get married, and my ex-boyfriend was in a hurry to end the relationship; the second time, I was 27, and it was time to get married.
I was very satisfied with the boys, but in the end I dragged myself yellow; now I am 33, and I have been in love with Dawei for five years, and the marriage is natural, but I hesitate again!
I told my girlfriend about this, and my girlfriend said quickly: "A slutty person is a slut!" ”
After receiving a dose of my eye knife, she added: "This month I am learning from the teacher how to deal with cold violence. Men and women love this thing, I have improved a lot, you are afraid of marriage! Talk to me, I'll cook for you! ”
"Fear of marriage? I'm not afraid to get married. ”
"Then why are you there?"
"I can't say it well."
I was born in '88, my brother is three years old. My family is in the old industrial city, and my parents are employees of state-owned enterprises. When I was a child, my dad didn't often stay at home, and my mom said he was chosen by the state to go to college. When I was 7 years old, one day after school, I just entered the hospital and listened to my mother crying and scolding, and my brother sat on the small bench and said to me: "My parents quarreled!" ”
I ran into the house and leaned back on the chair in the outhouse and sighed. Things in the house were thrown into a mess. I rushed into the back room, and my mother cried in bed. I asked, "Mom, what are we doing to thieves?" ”
Mom saw me crying harder and gritted her teeth and said, "Yes! We're a thief and stole your dad! When I said this, my mother looked sinister, I was frightened, and I cried "Wow".
Dad came back even less after that.
When I grew up, I slowly learned about my parents' marriage. When they were young, the old state-owned enterprises were the best units for us.
They graduated from secondary school, considered to be cultural people, my mother did administration in the office, my father did technology, both of them are the key training objects of the factory. In '85, they were both recommended to study at university, when my mom found out she was pregnant. The cost of further study at the same time was very high, and my mother decided to let my father go to school, stay at home to work and earn money, and take care of the elderly to give birth.
My dad studied mechanical automation, and when he graduated from college, his supervisor kept him for further education. My dad and my mom discussed and wanted to continue learning and take our family out of this small city in the future. But this has to pay a liquidated damages to the factory. I was just born, there was no money in the family, and my grandparents didn't agree with my dad, but my mom supported my dad.
"I was thinking, I don't have any money to solve it at the moment. His prospects are good, especially for our family. I gritted my teeth and had to support him, but I didn't expect it. "I didn't expect that my father met his sister during graduate school, and the two sparked.
It is said that when they divorced, my mother made very harsh conditions: she asked for a large amount of money; gave my father and my brother custody; and agreed with my father that he could not have children again in this life. My dad agreed, but he didn't take me and my brother and left us at grandma's house.
In fact, my brother and I are still with my mother, and my mother is reluctant to ignore us, but we are not willing to do so, so I scold and grin every day. Scolding my dad is Chen Shimei scolding brother and I am a drag oil bottle. My brother became more and more silent, and I didn't quite understand why my mom hated us so much, but she wasn't happy, and it must have been my fault.
My brother was admitted to the high school in the provincial capital, and my father wanted to take me to the provincial capital to study. My mom and I fought another fight, but finally agreed to let us go. On the day she left, she went to the old aunt's house in a neighboring village, and then the old aunt told me, "Your mother has been crying for a day!" "Guilt and sadness instantly flooded my eyes, so painful!
At my father's provincial capital, I met what my mother called "thief", but she was actually very kind. She had a small bird with a bird cage, but the bird was often scattered on a large, lush green lotus. I don't like birds, and I always close the door to keep it from entering my house.
I came back from school before the winter break that year, and my cleaning aunt was doing hygiene. I walked into the room and found bird droppings on my desk! The bird stood on the bookshelf and tilted its head to look at me. So annoying! I blasted it out, but when My aunt went to take out the garbage and didn't close the door, the frightened bird flew out of the house and through the open window in the corridor, and in the blink of an eye there was no shadow.
I'm in trouble!
Auntie was really angry! As soon as my dad got home, she argued with him. I faintly heard my aunt's cries in my own room, intermittently mentioning children, agreements or something. No sound from my dad. I remembered when I was 7 years old, when my father sat in the outhouse and sighed.
I went back to my hometown on Day 2. When I came back from school, I saw my father sitting in the house alone and smoking a cigarette.
I asked, "Dad, do you smoke?" ”
Dad replied to me, "Your aunt is gone." ”
I panicked: "Is it because the bird is lost?" Sorry, Dad! I didn't mean to. Where did Auntie go? I got her back. ”
Dad sighed slightly, "It's not a bird thing." She wanted each child of her own. But she agreed, alas! ”
I probably understood what Dad meant.
I watched silently, he was buried deep in the couch, with one hand on his forehead and the other with a cigarette. He was only in his 40s at the time, but he looked desolate and old. I suddenly understood Xu Zhimo's words, he said that the loneliness of feelings probably lies in the fact that love and liberation cannot be complete.
I went back to the house, lay on the bed and sobbed and sobbed, if I hadn't lost the bird, would they still quarrel? Will Auntie still leave?
Later, I was admitted to a foreign university. My brother applied to the University of California's offer a few years earlier, and I went to drop him off before leaving. He said: "I may not be coming back. Parents at home, you should take more responsibility. ”
I cried and asked, "Brother, you said that if we weren't dragging oil bottles, would my parents still divorce?" Will you ever come back? ”
My brother patted me on the shoulder and choked up and said, "Silly girl, how old are you, how can you still have such a Fa?" ”
For twenty years, my parents had brief marriages. In the past two years, my father retired, wanted to remarry my mother, and also asked me to match it, but my mother resolutely refused. Dad was very lost, looking older, lonely and sad, but I couldn't help him with anything.
If a relationship will eventually break, it is better to never start, but if it does not start, how can we know the future? I seriously make boyfriends, seriously talk to them about marriage, seriously refuse to enter marriage, I am not afraid of marriage, the future is unknown, I do not want to involve others.
Listening to my confession, my girlfriend was gagged for a while. For a long time, she asked, "You are afraid of affecting Dawei, so you don't agree to him?" ”
"Hmm."
"Your brain circuitry is really amazing!" I can't do enough about this! I'll put you in touch with a new-knowledge emotion analyst! You have a cure for this disease! ”
The analyst quickly matched me with a consultant. After listening to me recount my experience, the teacher said, "Honey, all these years, I have borne so much guilt in my heart, you are really tired." ”
This sentence brought me to tears in an instant.
"Yes, teacher! I worked so hard, it's all my fault! If I hadn't been born, my mom would have been able to go to town with my dad; if I hadn't lost the bird, my aunt wouldn't have left my dad! It was my bad that made my parents unhappy. I also know that their business has nothing to do with me, but I always have such a thought!
I am 33 this year, I also want to get married, I want to seize the happiness in front of me, but I really can't do it! ”
I cried and complained, it turned out that this feeling had been hidden in my heart for so long!
After the consultation, I signed up for an emotional escort. The girlfriend said happily, "That's right! You see me and my husband, how hard the cold war used to be between us, now it's getting hotter and hotter! Hello two of you! ”
The counselor and nurse and I discussed the care plan: repairing wounds, returning to ourselves, and creating relationships.
And the stage of working in bed, I find it very difficult. The more I looked back, the deeper the pain I felt. I even go back to my infancy alone, when I don't see my mother, and occasionally I see her looking tired and chattering, never responding with love and enthusiasm.
I feel sorry for myself like this. Week 1 The teachers did their best to warmly hold me, supporting and accompanying me.
In week 2, the teachers guided me to learn how to accept myself and how to heal myself. We have a daily plan in place. Accompany the nurse to accompany me to practice, and the counselor and I review the day's work. I see that part of my guilt stems from an inability to release aggression. I agree with and internalize the idea that my parents are not happy and I don't deserve to live a good life, otherwise how can I be their children?!
Week 3 I often felt sad and angry. I explored this feeling with my teacher.
The teacher asked me, if they were in front of you, what would you most like to say to them?
I thought about it, and suddenly burst into tears, crying: "It's not my fault, your life has nothing to do with me, you have no right to rebuke me, I hate you!" ”
When I shouted this out, I was embarrassed and cried.
Strange to say, after crying bitterly, I suddenly felt physically and mentally comfortable! I asked the teachers again: How do I feel better?
The teachers then helped me sort through all the resources: my sensitivity helped me avoid the harm of communication; the brokenness of my family inspired me to study hard; my self-righteous guilt made me grateful to my parents... The teacher asked me, looking back at these traumas now, what are your new feelings?
It turns out that pain also has life, and trauma is also a gift, and I received it.
The teachers sent affectionate hugs and big praise! They said, "Honey, the world kisses you with pain, but you sing in return, this is your strength and transformation!" ”
Week 4 we learn to create. Looking back on the course of my life, there are a lot of things that need to be created, such as self-care, such as security and boundaries, such as the pattern of interaction with people in relationships, these are my homework.
Now that David and I have received our licenses and we are preparing for the wedding, I miss spending a month with the teachers, I know they have always been there, and I believe that they will always be happy.