01
Mother: "Good child, put on your autumn pants." ”
Child: "I don't want to wear it." ”
Mother: "Aren't you cold without wearing autumn pants?" ”
Child: "I'm not cold!" ”
Mother: "How can it not be cold?" ”
Child: "I said I didn't want to, I didn't want to." ”
......
In addition to tutoring homework, children wearing autumn pants will definitely rank in the top three of the "most explosive events of the year".
There is a mother in Hangzhou who wants her daughter to wear autumn pants and has exhausted various methods, but many times to communicate with her child has been fruitless.
Parents feel: the heart is broken, they are afraid of the baby's cold, they are good, one by one do not want to wear autumn pants.
The child feels: wearing it on the body is so uncomfortable, it is not conducive to the stretching and movement of the body, and I am not cold.
Behind this simple and small thing, it reflects the problems when parents communicate with their children:
Parents take this for granted and always want their children to do what they say, but they have their own set of ideas.
02
Backstage often receives doubts from parents' godsons, of which 50% of the questions of "not knowing how to communicate with children" account for 50%.
Why is it so hard to talk to a child? He said so much, why couldn't he listen to it? Why does the child hide in the room as soon as he comes home and does not come out?
There is such a topic in the parent-child section: what causes children to be reluctant to communicate with parents in the process of growing up?
Of the more than 4,000 responses, many were "complaints" from children who did not like to communicate with their parents:
I didn't have the patience to listen to my true thoughts, nor did I care about my true inner thoughts, as if only their things were the most important, and the things of us "little children" were not worth mentioning.
"Chat" with me, the topic is only learning. In addition to stuffing me with a bunch of delicious food every day, my parents endlessly asked me about my studies, which made me feel very bored and always felt that words were not speculative.
I don't see my strengths and always compare me to other children. They compare me with my classmates in a community all day long, always saying "questions" like "you look at people..., you...", which makes me feel very disappointed, feel that I am inferior to others, and I have no confidence at all.
Every time I speak, I say something big. When I want encouragement and help, my parents always say big things and try to transmit their thoughts to me, and no matter what I respond to, they always feel like I'm making excuses.
If you don't meet the requirements, you will always be scolded. As long as the grades are not good enough, my parents are fierce, I know that I am not good enough, but if I communicate calmly, I will be more willing to correct.
After reading this, how do parents feel?
These 5 reasons can be summed up, and the problem reflected by the matter of wearing or not wearing autumn pants is the same, parents pay too much attention to their children, impose their own ideas on them, but ignore the children's own feelings.
Just like in life, parents always say "I am for your own good", who is it for? Perhaps, there is a question mark to be placed here, and parents can think about it.
03
Want to form a good interaction with your child and create a harmonious relationship? Want to communicate with your child gently and firmly?
There are the following suggestions for "effective communication":
1. Don't be preconceived about communication.
There is an interesting phenomenon in psychology called the transparency illusion:
When communicating, almost everyone will overestimate their own speculations about the other party and the effect of the other party receiving information.
To put it simply: we always think that the other person must think this way, and we always feel that I have made it clear enough, and the other party must understand, but this is often not the case.
Therefore, a simple and effective way is to emphasize facts rather than intention speculation when thinking and communicating. That is to say, use the situation-behavior-feeling communication mode to replace your speculation and judgment of your child, and spread things out to make it clear.
In this way, transparency on both sides can be maximized, so that both sides can know what we are talking about, so that we can better understand things, reach consensus, and avoid misunderstandings that snowball.
2. Choose the right environment to communicate and talk.
When we want to communicate with our children, we must choose the right environment. As I mentioned to you before, it is not appropriate to talk and blame children at the dinner table.
In addition to finding a quiet, physical environment suitable for communication (e.g., room, study), the "psychological environment" should also be appropriate. Be sure to consider whether there are outsiders present, respect the child's self-esteem, and take care of the child's inner feelings.
After the emotions of both parties are calmed and calmed, it is conducive to the child to speak the truth, easy to accept the opinions of the other party, and strengthen the communication between parents and children.
3. Communication should first affirm "feelings" and then change "behavior".
In the era of anxiety, parents are most afraid of their children saying "great rebellion" such as not going to school. But often, children just want to vent their emotions with the things that their parents hate the most. But the reality is often that when a child starts, he is taught by his parents with a big truth.
When communicating, children need the understanding and affirmation of parents, and parents should make it clear that "feelings" and "behaviors" are two different things, and affirm and recognize children's feelings.
For example, tell the child "I know you're not cold now" or "I understand you're not tired now" and then make demands on the child's behavior.
You can make good use of these "sentence forms": start with "I" instead of "you", use "at the same time" instead of "but" to express the past, express your feelings, otherwise the words spoken are like accusations, easy to quarrel.
For example, when a child has expressed that he does not want to wear autumn pants, instead of responding with emotions to "why don't you obey", he expresses the fact that "I am worried that you will catch a cold, and it is more uncomfortable to be sick." ”
4. Communication must not be a one-sided output.
When your child expresses his or her feelings, do not rush to deny or correct your child's experiences and feelings.
Sometimes, the child's feelings in our cognition are only our own thoughts projected onto the child, always "thinking" to know what the child is going to say next, and often misjudging the back.
At such times, you may wish to listen to what your child has to say, say your point of view, believe that your child has the ability to experience on his own, and respect the child's right to experience.
There is no one-time education method, communication is the same, parents should remember, good relationship must be achieved by multiple communication practices, continue to work hard!