Adults believe that food and clothing are worry-free, materially rich, do not have to worry about life, and now children are much happier. But by the age of eleven or twelve, puberty, children's thinking has changed, self-awareness has become more and more distinct, in their eyes, parents in the past are authorities, is the idol of worship, but into puberty This consciousness gradually fades.
And parents still as always require children to obey everything, rarely listen to their true thoughts, rarely understand the child's inner wandering and anxiety, the two sides are not opposed, "rebellion" has become synonymous with adolescence. Psychologist Thomas Gordon pointed out that adolescent children rebel because of the wrong way of parenting, not parents, they still love their parents.
An American film called "Miss Bird", which won the 90th Academy Award, the way the protagonist of the play, Christine, loves and kills her mother, has the shadow of many children's adolescence.
01, adolescence, such as walking on thin ice parent-child relationship
The protagonist, Christine, is a high school student living in Sacramento, northern California, with modest family conditions and a father at risk of losing his job at any time. Despite her mediocre grades, Christine has always dreamed of leaving her hometown to go to college in a big city. Not only was she tired of her hometown, but she also hated the name her parents gave her that was too ugly, so she changed her name to "lady bird", that is, Miss Bird.
After visiting the local university, on the way home, he told his mother in the car that he did not want to go to college there, but wanted to go to a larger city. The mother's ridicule and blows followed, believing that it would be good for her to get into a university, and suggesting that her father was already facing layoffs, and accusing Christine of being selfish and a power ghost.
Being ridiculed and beaten by her mother, Christine was so angry that she pushed the car door and jumped out of the car directly, and her mother was shocked by the sudden behavior and only screamed. Just before discussing this topic, the mother and daughter had been listening to the warm stories played in the car, warm and moving, but the next second because of the disagreement between the water and fire, Christine, who was injured by the arm of the jumping car, did not forget to write a curse on the plaster to curse the mother to die.
Every child's thoughts and needs should be seen and respected by parents, and even if it is unrealistic, it is not a reason to ridicule or discourage children, especially for adolescent children with strong self-esteem. Once the harm is caused, it can never be repaired, the parent-child relationship is not the responsibility of the child alone, and the way parents deal with emotions and the way they get along with their children are inseparable.
02, adolescence, children long to be recognized and appeased
The arguments and contradictions between Christine's mother and daughter occur in every little thing in life, such as the time when the daughter comes home, the folding of clothes, and who makes the eggs, the mother and daughter do not give in to each other. When her mother was critical of One of Christine's dresses, she asked her mother if she liked herself, and her mother's answer was of course yes, but Christine said that her mother's picky behavior did not like herself.
The mother said that everything she did was to hope that her daughter would become the best version of herself, but Christine asked: What if I am already the best of myself now? Miss Bird of course understands in her heart that her mother loves herself, but her mother's requirements are too high, and she hopes that her mother can accept and like herself in front of her.
When Miss Bird expressed her desire to get into Yale University to the school teacher, the teacher's smile showed sarcasm and responded, which was simply impossible. In front of the real idea, the teacher behaves the same as the mother, disapproving, encouraging, or even scorning.
Full of longing for the future and wandering, she went to the store on her eighteenth birthday to buy cigarettes and smoke, as if venting her incomprehensible heart, as if declaring her autonomy as an adult. She has a good relationship with her classmates and is cynical with scumbags.
Miss Bird vividly reflects the adolescent child's internal struggle, can not be comforted, showing the "rebellious" behavior in the eyes of the parents.
03, reconciliation with adolescence, it takes time and more understanding
When the mother knew that her daughter still carried her to the university in the big city, she was silent, and when Miss Bird left her hometown to go to college, the mother was grumpy and did not want to send her off. Wanting to write a letter to reconcile the relationship with her daughter, she still couldn't bear her daughter to leave like this, and finally chased her out.
At this time, Miss Bird was still fighting a cold war with her mother even at the airport, and when she arrived in strange New York, she realized her wish to leave her hometown and get rid of her mother. When she opened the suitcase, she found her mother's letter, in which the mother told her that she knew that she had changed her name to "Miss Bird" and expressed love, the short three words "I love you".
She was surrounded by everything strange, began to miss her familiar environment, remembered her mother's teachings, she introduced the name "Christine" given by her parents to her new friends, and no longer hated her hometown. Call my mom when I'm drunk and just want to say I love my mom.
At the end of the film, everything is reconciled, adolescence needs to wait, and giving the child enough time requires parents to understand and be patient with their children. When looking back on these days, all of them are precious memories of growing up.
Therefore, in the face of adolescent children, we must also master the ways and methods. Through the interpretation of three key thinking patterns, "Decoding Adolescence" makes parents and children understand that growth requires constant change, and what key actions parents need to take to meet their children's needs.
Adolescent children gradually grow an adult body, but it is the heart of a teenager, they want to be as independent and responsible as adults. But because of the immaturity of the mind, the small things that adults think do not matter to the children become big things, and they are eager to be guided, to be understood and recognized, and to be free.
In the third part of the book, the author helps readers face up to the display problems and helps parents understand how to deal with common challenges when dealing with children. The latter section also provides ways to build a good relationship with your child.
epilogue:
The most challenging thing for parents is to get along with adolescent children, no matter how well-behaved and sensible children in the past, will suddenly change their appearance. Parents are troubled by their children's disobedience, boredom, game playing and other problems during the critical period of academics, and worry that "not doing the right thing" will affect the future. But rarely consider the psychological changes, emotional changes are the root cause, behavior is only the surface, so with adolescent children, but also through the surface phenomenon insight into the heart. At this time, the recognition and encouragement of parents or teachers is the driving force for their efforts and the direction of the future, and the depreciation of parents also pushes them to the brink of self-destruction.
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