This is the 2286th article of modern parenting
This article comes from the public account: Qian Zhiliang Studio
ID: qzlgzs
Around us, there is such a category of people:
No matter how much you affirm and encourage, they are always used to denying themselves, thinking that "I am not good enough, not here and there", even if the real situation is that he is good enough;
They tend to think that they don't deserve better, so they don't take the initiative to try to get it, and often shrink back and give up in the face of opportunities and challenges;
They are always afraid to express their true thoughts and needs, think that their feelings are not important, and prioritize and cater to the needs of others;
They care a lot about other people's evaluations, and any bit of negative evaluation will make them fall into self-doubt and find it difficult to let go...
Taken together, these manifestations are, in psychology, what we call a low sense of self-worth.
The sense of self-worth refers to a person's perception and evaluation of themselves, reflecting a person's degree of self-recognition.
People with a strong sense of self-worth believe that they are important, valuable, and worthy of love, usually manifested as self-confidence, self-esteem and self-improvement; on the contrary, they are prone to inferiority complex and self-abandonment.
Psychotherapist Satya, speaking of a sense of self-worth, noted:
"When I feel good and appreciate myself, I am very likely to cope with life with a noble, sincere and courageous attitude, full of vitality and love."
"If I don't like myself, I will demean myself, and I am always afraid of life, feeling incompetent, and thus forming a state: pretending to be a victim and not thinking of making progress."
I blindly blamed myself for blaming others at the same time, succumbing to tyranny for a while, and blaming my faults on others. ”
It profoundly points out the important impact of self-worth on a person's physical and mental health and life development.
For children, the formation and level of self-worth are greatly affected by the family, especially closely related to the parenting style of parents and their attitudes and evaluations towards children.
In life, the 3 common behaviors of parents are the easiest to raise a child with a low sense of self-worth.
1
Emotional neglect
In the process of growing up, the attitude of parents is like a mirror, allowing children to see and feel what they look like.
During the critical period of early childhood at the age of 0-6, children are in great need of positive attention from their parents – seeing and responding to their children.
If they can get the care, love and understanding of their parents, children will feel important, valuable, and worthy of being treated well in the depths of their hearts.
On the contrary, if parents often ignore their children, have a cold attitude, reject their children, and prevent their children's emotional expression, they will make children feel abandoned, full of fear and uneasiness, and thus doubt their own importance and value.
For example, the child has something to say to the mother, the mother is busy, simply and rudely push the child aside, ignore the child, or the child finished speaking, when not heard;
The child is crying sadly because of something, and the parent feels annoyed and stops the child: "What is there to cry!" Cry again and I'll shut you out. ”
If such things happen frequently, the child's sense of self-worth will be greatly affected, because they do not receive enough attention and respect from their parents, and naturally they will not respect and value themselves.
Therefore, parents should pay special attention to the attention, response and emotional support of their children during their children's childhood.
Spend more time with your child and interact with your child. When talking to your child, look at him carefully, listen patiently, and give a positive response. If you can't do it, it's best to tell the truth why:
"Baby I'm sorry, mom is going to cook now, can't chat with you, wait for mom to finish cooking, let's talk about it, okay?"
In this way, the child will understand that it is the parents who "can't do it for the time being", not that they are not good.
In addition, when the child shows emotions, the acceptance and understanding of the parents in the shoes of the child will also make the child feel warm and feel valued and valuable.
At this point, parents should not easily blame their children's emotions, such as sadness, anger, and regret, but allow their children to express, listen with love and patience, show understanding, and provide advice or help if necessary.
For example, other children at home, see the mother play with them, give them good food, the child is not happy, can't help crying, then the mother can pick up the child, ask him:
"Is it that your mother plays with other children, and you are not happy?" Afraid your mother won't love you anymore, right? ”
Then tell your child:
"Mom and Dad always love you at all times, be good to other children, and don't affect your love for you."
The emotional communication and understanding between parents and children will make children feel the love of their parents and form a higher sense of self-worth.
2
Give your child too much expectation and demand
You can't see what your child really is
In the movie "Miss Bird", the tense relationship between the heroine and her mother runs through the entire film.
The mother was always dissatisfied with everything about her daughter, often belittling and attacking her daughter, including the messy room, academic performance, plans to go to New York University, and so on.
In a scene where the mother and daughter choose skirts, the mother is not satisfied with the skirt and figure chosen by Miss Bird, so there is the following dialogue:
- "I want your affirmation and hope you like me." ”
-"I just hope you can try to be the best you are." ”
- "What if this is already the best for me?" ”
This dialogue also truly reflects a certain type of parent-child relationship in our lives.
After parents have children, they are full of beautiful expectations for their children, hoping that their children can become the ideal "perfect child" according to their own ideas, so they constantly help children correct mistakes, make up for deficiencies, and become better themselves.
There's nothing wrong with that. The most frightening thing is that some parents, hoping that their children's perfect obsession is too deep, resulting in their inability to see and appreciate the real child in front of them, and attach conditions to their children's love unconsciously.
Usually manifests as:
When the child's test is good, obedient, the competition wins awards, and the performance is satisfactory, the parents are very enthusiastic and happy; when the test results do not meet the requirements of the parents and the performance is not good enough, they are very indifferent to the child and fight negatively.
When the child says his true feelings and thoughts, the parents do not take it seriously, ask the child to do things according to their own expectations and arrangements, and call it "for your own good".
The message conveyed to children in this way of education is: Only if you are good enough and obedient, I love you; if you do not meet the standards I set, you are not good and bad.
Long-term harsh responsibility, high standards, strict requirements, it is difficult for the child to establish a healthy sense of self-awareness and self-worth, he will feel that he is not accepted, only the external performance is good, he is valuable and worthy of love.
Such a child will become such a kind of person when he grows up: no matter how good his own conditions and achievements are, he still feels that he can't do it in his heart, can't stop asking for himself, is often kidnapped by anxiety, and can't live easily and happily.
Therefore, on the one hand, parents give their children expectations and requirements to help them continue to improve, on the other hand, they must also be able to accept the child's current appearance from the heart, love him, appreciate him, respect his true feelings and thoughts, and do not control too much.
For example, if the child's academic performance is not good, while helping the child improve his grades, he must also be able to appreciate the other advantages and shining points of the child: cheerful and helpful. Instead of clinging to the grades, we have been criticizing and denying our children.
Only in this way can children feel the love of their parents for themselves, rather than the external manifestations of love for themselves, a stronger sense of self-worth, and healthy physical and mental growth.
3
Often deny and hit the child
I once read a netizen message:
"A person who has been denied for a long time when he was a child, even if he is very good in the eyes of outsiders now, but his inner sense of value is still very low, and I am like this at the age of fifty-five, often anxious and too painful." 」
For an adult, the impact of other people's evaluations and attitudes on their own self-perception is limited, because adults already have a set of evaluation systems for themselves, but children are different.
Especially for younger children, the evaluation and attitude of people around them will greatly affect their level of self-worth, especially as their "important others" parents and teachers, their evaluation and attitude directly regulate the child's self-worth level.
Therefore, if the child's childhood, long-term living in the parents' denial, blow, mental health will be problematic, low sense of self-worth, feel that they are not important, not loved, easy to fall into depressed emotions, self-closure.
If you want to raise a positive and optimistic, confident and sunny child, parents must avoid percussive education and not easily deny their children.
When it is necessary to correct the child's wrong behavior, judge the child's behavior, let the child recognize the mistake, and guide him to the correct method, rather than attacking the child's personality with insulting words such as "stupid", "stupid", and "useless".
When your child isn't doing well enough, what he needs more is your encouragement and help than telling him how bad he is in ugly language.
Denial and blowing will only make children lose confidence in themselves and the future, low to the dust; and encouragement and help will make children see hope and find practical solutions.
It can be said that the foundation and core problem of family education is to make children believe: "I am valuable, I am loved." ”
As it is written in The Few Walked:
"The primal sense of self-worth we gain in childhood is the driving force behind our mental health, and even if we encounter major blows and setbacks as adults, that deep-rooted self-esteem, self-love and self-confidence will allow us to summon up courage and bravely overcome difficulties."
Raising a child with a high sense of self-worth is to give the child a key to a happy life.
At the end of the article, click "In the watch", and encourage you!
This article is reproduced in Qian Zhiliang Studio (ID: qzlzgs), written by | Qian Zhiliang, a famous teacher at Beijing Normal University. Focus on special education, family education, early childhood education. He is the author of "Early Knowledge of Admission", "Early Education of Science", "140 Chinese Characters learned in a hurry", etc.