Author┃ Condensed into a book Reading aloud / Condensed into a book
Guidance ┃Liang Shanbo Editor ┃丄學号
The other day I saw a news: a boy from Baoji, Shaanxi Province, after leaving the school gate, held his mother on the road, crying and screaming while kicking with his feet. The security guard of the community saw it and couldn't help but come forward to stop it, only to be yelled at by the boy.
Some netizens commented: You can beat your mother in elementary school, and if you are older, you can't commit murder, and such a child is also a white-eyed wolf when he is raised.
Why did the innocent child who once nestled in his mother's arms become what he is now?
Most people think that the reason why a child is like this is inseparable from the parenting style of his parents.
There is a famous saying that 80% of children's bad habits are formed at home.
Deeply.
When a child is born, he grows up in the family, and the parents are the first objects of imitation and learning of the child. All the words and deeds of parents and the interaction between parents and children will inevitably have a profound impact on the growth of children.
Many examples in life tell us: the following three types of parents are the most likely to cultivate white-eyed wolves!
01
Doting on arranged parents
I've seen a piece of news like this.
In May 2018, Aunt Ding, 82, of Shanghai took her 48-year-old master's son to court. The reason is that my son refuses to go out to work after graduation.
The old mother worked hard to support her son to study for many years, originally thought that her son could join the work after graduating from the master's degree, who knew that the son had been refusing to go out to find a job for 8 years, staying at home every day, and the game was played in the middle of the night.
Aunt Ding only has a monthly pension of 3500 yuan, because of uremia need to do dialysis all year round, just the medical expenses and bus bills will cost two thousand, and the rest to support herself and her son is really inadequate.
She has repeatedly advised her son to go out and look for a job, but his son always shirked it on the grounds of "too far away" and "not finding the right one". In desperation, the old mother had to take her son to court, hoping to force her son to go out and find a job.
Later, the lawyer told Aunt Ding that if the son still did not look for a job, the court would not be able to enforce it. Aunt Ding felt very remorseful.
Aunt Ding has been obedient to her son since she was a child, and everything is done instead, just so that her son can concentrate on reading and have a good future. Who knows that it is his own meticulousness that has caused his son's dependence and laziness.
The son also believes that his unhappiness is caused by his mother's doting.
Famous writer Hotin Jr. Carter once said: We want two permanent inheritances to bequeathed to our children, one is the root and the other is the wing.
If the root is a home country belief, the wings are multifaceted abilities. If he wrapped his child up and avoided all the difficulties in his growth, how could he have the courage to face the difficulties alone?
If the child is not exposed to society, how can he have the ability to survive in society?
The arranged parents, thinking that they have given everything for their children, are actually depriving their children of the opportunity to learn and grow in the name of love.
If the child becomes an adult, he cannot cope with the suffering caused by the lack of ability, and eventually you will have to swallow the bitter fruit you have planted.
02
Parents who tear each other apart
There is a watch law in psychology, which says that having more than two watches does not help people judge time more accurately, but will create confusion and make people who look at watches lose their judgment of time.
It can also be understood that each person cannot choose two different codes of conduct or values at the same time, otherwise the individual's behavior will fall into chaos.
My elementary school classmate Xiao Ran often complained about his parents. Because parents always tear each other apart and make themselves confused.
When I was a child, my mother asked Xiao Ran to eat more vegetables, and my father said what do you understand? Nutrition is in the meat, eat more meat to grow the body.
When writing homework, there are classmates downstairs who tell Xiao Ran to go out to play, and my mother let Xiao Ran finish her homework and then play, and my father said that it was not the same to go to play first and come back and then write? How can you be so annoying.
In the summer, the teacher asked the children to make a holiday plan, and the mother asked Xiaoran to do it strictly according to the teacher's requirements and have a meaningful vacation, but the father said that the plan was something to set, and the plan was not as fast as the change.
As soon as Dad went out, Mom would count in front of Xiao Ran how Dad was not good and how he would not be a man.
Xiao Ran said that they always made me confused and did not know what the correct guidelines were. I'm not doing as well as people now, they're all responsible for it! Every time I hear them tear each other down, I despise them.
In fact, it is normal for parents to have different opinions due to different views on education, but how to deal with such differences is very important.
When there is a disagreement, parents should know how to give in and respect each other, and wait until the child leaves before communicating.
It is most undesirable to tear each other down in front of children and slander each other behind their backs.
If the parents always say bad things about each other in front of the child, the child will lack of security and self-confidence in his heart, and the impact on the child will be at a loss; the heavy is split personality and low sense of self-worth.
Children who grow up in such a family are not only difficult to be grateful for, but also look down on their parents in their hearts.
03
Extremely controlling parents
As parents, we all want our children's lives to be successful and happy.
Some people, because they have eaten enough of the hardships of life, are extremely afraid of children taking detours; some people, pinning their hopes on children, want to realize their unfulfilled dreams through their children, so they show extreme control over their children.
Ni Ping's variety show "Waiting for Me", there is a program that impressed me.
A couple of old professors in their eighties waited for their son for 23 years, and finally the child was found, but they did not want to go home, preferring to be alone in Beijing for 23 years rather than return to their parents.
What makes the son ruthlessly cut off the flesh and blood affection?
In the program, the mother said that the father was very strict with his son, and the relationship between father and son was very bad.
The father commented that it was his own violent parenting method: slapping his son, making his son kneel in public, demanding that his son listen to himself in everything, and not giving his son a little free space.
Later, the son insisted on being admitted to a university in Beijing according to his own wishes, and before leaving home, he gave his mother a letter indicating that he would break off relations with his parents. His parents called him and he didn't answer, and his mother sent WeChat for more than ten years in order to contact him, but later found that WeChat was blocked, and his son's phone was also changed.
The son said: "He caused mental surveillance on me, leaving me without a trace of freedom, and I felt suffocated with them.
At the end of the show, the professor's father apologized to his son in front of a national audience, but the son could not forgive them.
The writer Gibran said in the poem "To the Child": Your child is not actually your child. What you can give them is your love, but not your thoughts. Because they have their own thoughts.
Yes, although children come into this world through us, they are not the tools for parents to realize their dreams, and they have no obligation to sacrifice their lives for their parents' dreams.
If parents always control their children in the name of "I am for your own good", in the end, all that awaits them is the hostility and resentment of the children.
04
Write at the end
There is a saying that there are no bad crops, only farmers who cannot grow crops. There are no children who can't teach well, only parents who can't teach.
The child is like a mirror, if you are spoiled, he will be willful; if you do it, he will be incompetent; if you control, he will rebel, if you tear each other down, he will learn not respect.
Therefore, as parents, we must respect each other, discipline and goal alignment, gentleness and firmness go hand in hand.
Every child is unique, they have their own independent thoughts and personality, dignity and will. Do not spoil, do not do, do not violent, do not control, will be able to cultivate a good child who knows how to be grateful.
May all parents in the world learn to respect and learn to love, and not ask for returns and eventually return.
Share.
Author: Ning Jincheng Book, post-75 bao mom, psychological counselor, lifelong growth. Focus on marriage, family and parenting, and believe that there are always more ways than problems.
Every like you like, I take it seriously
Appreciation belongs to the author
Shanbo Education Guidance ┃ Liang Shanbo
Liang Shanbo, a first-class teacher, an advanced educator in Shenzhen, the first batch of family education instructors in Bao'an District, the first learning star in Bao'an District, and the editor-in-chief of Shanbo Education Public Account. Engaged in education for 38 years, focusing on the comprehensive quality education of parenting.