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I believe that everyone has their own standards of friendship, but from the perspective of the needs of daily life, most people are willing to become friends with a generous person. What makes people feel strange is that those who can really be generous in real life generally do not have any close friends.
This phenomenon will also make many people who strive to be generous feel puzzled, why they have been honest enough to treat others, think about others in everything, speak warmly and seriously, but finally can not make a few sincere friends? Psychologists believe that there are three main reasons for this phenomenon.
Good old man
In order to make friends, some people will always lower their bottom line and standards for doing things, and gradually become good old people in the hearts of others.
Such people can no longer be regarded as magnanimous in the true sense, because they are always accommodating to others in order to maintain their own image, and they have lost their own principles.
When others send them a distress signal, they will always put themselves first, letting go of what they are doing to help others. If others are in a bad mood, they will also be a reliable listener to help others solve their problems. Even if a group of people go out to play together, they will suppress their own needs and try to make other people's requests satisfied.
It is true that it is very intimate and comfortable to get along with such good old people, but such thinking is only one-way, because people will only get used to the benefits brought by good old people and be more advanced.
Living with the good old man for a long time, the people around him will rightfully accept this goodness and think that it is a quality that he has.
Therefore, this kind of kindness cannot touch others, and few people can realize it, and this kind of kindness represents that good old people want to establish a closer friendship with us. If one day the old and good people feel tired because of this, they will no longer accommodate each other as before, but will be blamed by others.
Always think of the principle of "a bowl of water is flat"
Those who behave extraordinarily generously in life always do not want to offend anyone. But when it comes to interpersonal communication, people always like to compare themselves with others to meet their own special needs.
For example, when interacting with friends, they will also hope that friends can invest more enthusiasm in themselves and make themselves more important than ordinary people.
We will meet many friends in our lives, some friends can accompany us through most of our lives, becoming friends of life and death who can pour out their hearts, while some friends are just passers-by in a short journey.
When faced with different types of friends, our emotional attitudes also tend to focus on biases.
But those who are generous do not have such "differential treatment", because they do not want to be talked about behind the scenes of others, they will always follow the principle of a bowl of water, and be equal and friendly to everyone. However, they do not realize that indiscriminate friendliness in interpersonal communication is useless.
Even if some people want to be friends with you, they will realize that their position in your heart is the same as ordinary people because of this indiscriminate friendliness, thus dispelling the idea of deep friendship with you. Therefore, these generous people can only leave ordinary friends around, but they may meet that kind of friend.
Biological adaptability
Of course, evolutionary psychology also proposes that people generally have biological adaptability. Simply put, when people live in a dark or light environment and suddenly enter the opposite unfamiliar environment, people will be temporarily blind.
This is because our eyes need to adapt to new environments.
The same is true in interpersonal communication, if we are always polite when we meet others, and gradually become acquainted in future interactions, and begin to show kindness to each other intentionally or unintentionally, friendship can be established in a short period of time.
But if we are very kind to others in the beginning, others will become more and more cold to us. Such situations can easily arise in the work environment. For example, when some people have just arrived at a new company, they will always behave politely and complete the work assigned by their predecessors perfectly.
Although the seniors will think that they are well-behaved and sensible, and show greater kindness to them, over time, the seniors will give the work directly to the newcomer without scruples.
Simply put, those who have been generous for a long time, because there is not much contrast in how they behave and do things, so that others think that they are such a character themselves, so that they are not aware of their efforts and efforts.
On the contrary, those who have not been generous for a long time suddenly and generously help others one day.
Such a contrast will make the recipient shine and think that he has a different position in the other person's heart. If this kind of thing happens between the opposite sex, it will also deepen the feelings of both parties, and even develop into boyfriend and girlfriend.
Therefore, from another point of view, these people who are more generous in doing things for people often lack personality.
The process of human friendship is to find like-minded friends, so personalities and commonalities are somewhat similar. Having personality and commonality can make the friendship between two people more intimate, and can also establish a stronger group, which is what the ancients often said, things are grouped together in groups.
The friends that these generous people can meet are often more generous people who do not have much personality.
- The End -
Author | Tommy
Edit | Rain
The First Psychological Writing Group | A group of young people who like to look up at the stars
参考资料：Bruk, A., Scholl, S. G., & Bless, H. (2018). Beautiful mess effect: Self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Journal of personality and social psychology, 115(2), 192-205
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