I, a post-80s Ph.D. in psychology, decisively abandoned my European rich boyfriend for academics and eventually became a Harvard scholar

Interviews with real people

2024-06-23 20:40Published in Jiangxi

This is the 3,431st real story we have told

In my academic and career, I focus on each moment, clearly know the height I want to go, step by step, and so far, I have experienced the infinite scenery of ascending to the heights.

In the life that accompanies it, when my 3-year-old son was stolen by my ex-husband in Taiwan, and the number of times I have seen each other so far is only a handful, this heartache came unexpectedly. After countless midnight dreams and tearful nights, I realized that the quiet years are only a moment, and a piece of chicken feathers is the daily life.

Life has given me no less whipping and grinding than anyone else. I woke up from the cruel reality, and I was just a mother! So, my ex-husband and I started a battle for the son that spanned two countries and three places, and we did our best to fight for ourselves and our son.

(I'm at Harvard)

I, born in the 80s, Ph.D. in psychology, visiting scholar at Harvard University, nickname: Mei Zhizhi, was born in Zhuge Kongming's hometown - Nanyang, Henan.

Due to historical reasons, some of the great-grandfathers were successful in business and politics, but in the end there was no good ending, so the ancestral family motto: future generations will either practice medicine or educate people. So, my parents were both teachers.

My mother's encouragement and support for me has developed my confident and independent character, and I know how life is everywhere, it should be like Feihong stepping on slush, and I want to leave my own traces in this world.

(It should be like Feihong stepping on slush, I want to leave my own traces)

When I was in high school, when I received a love letter from a boy, it was inevitable that the girl would be pregnant, but I reminded myself in my diary: "My Prince Charming will be waiting for me on the shore of the unknown lake at Peking University." "But what I never expected was to fail the college entrance examination, only because of a few points, I regretted studying in informatics (computer related majors) at Beijing Normal University.

During my college years, I have always loved literature and focused on running a departmental magazine, and the boys in the physical education department were attracted to me, and I was also charmed by his energy.

A year later, I returned to my rationality, knowing clearly that I was going to Peking University, and began to stay in the library and work hard, and finally graduated from the undergraduate program with the first place in the first grade, and was admitted to Peking University as a graduate student, majoring in information science. And my first love became a police officer after graduation, and when he proposed to me, I proposed to break up.

As long as you dare to think, you will definitely be able to achieve it, I really met the 1.9-meter-tall school grass of the rowing team on the shore of the unknown lake, he is my second boyfriend. He is surrounded by beautiful women, and he loves my aura. I often sit on the front bar of his sports bike, and he carries me around the campus, flying with my youth.

After a year of falling in love, I watched him coldly and ambiguously with the leader in order to stay in school. I clearly knew that we were not all the way, and I broke up with him in a demonic way. He also became an official as he wished, and I have long since lost my feelings for him.

(Graduated from Peking University)

After graduating from Peking University, my interest has always been to write articles, not programming and coding. I have successively obtained admission notices from Shenzhen ZTE and Xinhua News Agency.

When I was young, I was full of spirit, always thinking that I could become an investigative reporter and speak up for others, so I chose to become a reporter at Xinhua News Agency. In fact, Xinhua News Agency has a strict model and does not have much room for personal freedom.

In the past three years of work, I have come into contact with many successful people in the political and business circles, and I learned that even if they have reached such a high position, they are actually unhappy in their hearts, and I came up with the idea of studying psychology, which is more in line with my original intention of helping others.

So, I studied on my own for three months and studied for a PhD in psychology. Although I know that it is difficult to apply for a PhD across majors, I believe in my strong learning ability.

At this time, there was a Sino-German joint project of the Chinese Academy of Sciences, and I was admitted to the Chinese Academy of Sciences with excellent exam results, and came to Germany to study for a doctorate in child psychology, studying in China for one year and Germany for two years.

(Ph.D. in Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences)

While studying in Germany, I experienced one of the most memorable romances I have ever had with a fairly successful businessman in Europe, more than ten years older than me, and a career that spans the globe. At that time, I was deeply attracted to him.

Being with him has broadened my horizons, and at the same time, his recognition of my potential has also raised my awareness of myself.

In five years, we traveled together around the world and used up two passports. But he always put his work first, and he would only accompany me after business meetings, and he made it clear that he would not settle down and that he did not want to have children.

I'll always be second in his world. If I continue, I won't be able to do what I want to do except be able to travel around the world with him and enjoy life.

I have a very high self-esteem and don't want to be a vassal of anyone. When I meet such a person who is good enough for me to look up to, it is indeed very reluctant to leave ruthlessly.

It wasn't until that time that we made an appointment to meet in Moscow, where I spent three days alone, but he postponed the meeting in a neighboring country for dignitaries and was unable to make it to the appointment.

I changed my ticket and flew back to China, and I thought very clearly, even if I loved him again, I couldn't lose myself. I'm still going to continue my studies. I asked him to break up, and he regretted it.

From this relationship, he taught me to think like a man, to be independent and self-reliant, to always be self-centered and to plan for the future, and to put my career first.

I know very well that women should have a heart for Mulan, and only if they are single and go to Kunlun, gold can also be exchanged for a husband.

(Youthful Flying on the Sunny Beach)

After graduating with a Ph.D., I stayed at the Chinese Academy of Sciences to do research work, during which I went to Hong Kong to work for three years, first in a collaborative project at the Education University of Hong Kong, and then to do postdoctoral research at the University of Hong Kong.

When I was working in Hong Kong, a cheerful Taiwanese colleague always brought another companion to ask me out, and this companion was introverted, silent but delicate, and would send me messages in private.

At this time, I also thought that I was at the best age for marriage and childbearing, and I longed to have a child of my own.

I rationally weighed each other's academic background, appearance and IQ, and they all matched, although his personality is not satisfactory, but I think the excellent genes of both parties are more important to the offspring. When he firmly chose me despite his mother's objections and against him dating mainland girls, I accepted him too.

We got married in Beijing in 2015 and then registered in Taiwan. I resigned from my job at the Chinese Academy of Sciences for the sake of my family, and I also received a letter of appointment from an associate professor at Shenzhen University. It wasn't until the third trimester of pregnancy in 2017 that the balance of everything was gradually broken.

(My ex-husband and baby in Taiwan and I)

At first, I got along well with my Taiwanese mother-in-law, she often confided in me that her family conditions were not bad back then, but because of the preference for sons over daughters, she only considered the future of her son, as a daughter, she could only stay at home to help with business after graduating from high school, she lost the opportunity to get an education, and after her father's death, the family property did not have her share.

But when I went to Chiayi, Taiwan two months before giving birth, she repeated the family's pattern of discriminating against women to treat me.

Two weeks before giving birth, she asked her son, who had come back to accompany her, to go upstairs and urge me to wash the dishes several times, and I questioned him: "Why can't you wash the dishes yourself instead of running so many times to urge a pregnant woman to wash the dishes?" He even said confidently: "Then my mother will be even more angry." ”

I couldn't tolerate such disrespect, and after seeing the weakness and weakness in his bones, I immediately moved to the hotel with my pregnant belly until I gave birth. After leaving the confinement center, he flew back to his parents' house with his son.

(We took a group photo of our children for 100 days)

We also have very different concepts about the education of our sons, and conflicts have become frequent.

I like to try new things and encourage my son to do so, but he is overprotective of him and has zero tolerance for "risk-taking" within his safe reach.

Often because of some trivial things, even in front of his son and other friends, he will lose control of his emotions and say nothing.

When we were visiting the University of Oslo in Norway, I once decided to eat out because I didn't bring children's utensils, so I fed my son with a knife and fork, and he directly scolded me in front of him, so angry that I almost booked a plane ticket back to China.

When feeding the child, he would accidentally spill it, and he scolded me so loudly in front of his Taiwanese friends that the friends couldn't stand it: "If you don't do it yourself, there is no reason to accuse her." ”

For the sake of my child, I have always chosen to compromise and be patient, trying to communicate with him and offering to go for marriage counseling. But as a doctor of psychology, he repeatedly refused, firmly denying that there was a problem between us.

(My happy time with my son)

In January 2020, he got a teaching position at Taiwan Normal University, and I took my two-year-old child back to Taiwan to accompany him to Taiwan for the Spring Festival, which was the first time I returned to my mother-in-law's house since leaving in the third trimester of pregnancy, and my mother-in-law and I tried to maintain superficial harmony.

The good times didn't last long, and two weeks later, my mother-in-law began to interfere in our child-rearing division: my ex-husband was only responsible for bathing my son, and I was responsible for the rest, but my mother-in-law came to accuse me: "How can I let my father help my son bathe every day, why don't you wash it, it's not fair!"

Obviously, she wants everything big and small to be all for me.

In order to avoid further conflicts, I urged my ex-husband to move to the dormitory of Taiwan Normal University.

It was also at this time that the epidemic was surging, and I was stranded in Taiwan for remote teaching, and it was not until early August that I found a flight to take my son back to Shenzhen.

And the ex-husband didn't fly to Shenzhen to see his son until July 2021, a year later.

(Heart to the distance)

I have been an associate professor of psychology at Shenzhen University for 5 years, and I have encountered a bottleneck in my career and have a sense of burnout. At this time, I received an invitation to be a visiting scholar at Harvard University. I discussed with my ex-husband that I planned to take my son to Harvard for kindergarten at the end of August, and my ex-husband was also very happy and helped him apply for a passport.

When we received an email from the kindergarten that we needed to pay $2,300 a month the next day, I offered to ask him to pay it. He did not respond.

The next morning, as usual, he took his son out to play and didn't come home until 7 p.m., and I began to feel that something was wrong, and I couldn't reach him by all means.

An hour later, I chose to call the police, and the police found that he had left the customs at 11 a.m. from the Shenzhen airport.

In this way, he stole my son, who was under the age of four, and obstructed my contact with him in every possible way, and applied for my son's exit control. I clearly know that between each other, the warmth of last night has passed, and the eyes are full of green mountains and drifting away, and it is time to completely end.

(Smart and cheerful handsome son)

At the beginning of September 2021, I came to Harvard University as a visiting student, and my new study life has had some healing effect on me, diluting the anxiety and sadness of not being able to see my son. Being inspired by feminism at Harvard filled me with strength, and I knew I had to take up legal arms to defend my rights as a mother.

On the day the child was stolen, I asked the police to see if they could stop it at customs, and the police replied that it was not illegal for the child's father to take the child, and that he could not stop it even if he had not left the country.

In the United States, parental abduction is a criminal offense in which parents who try to lure their children back to their original places of life immediately and who do not cooperate can be punished with up to two years in prison.

(Harvard, I'm coming)

My son's abduction to Taiwan is a fait accompli, and there is no legal provision to force him to return the child, and I can't go to Taiwan under the epidemic. In desperation, I had no choice but to file a lawsuit in a Taiwanese court.

In the first few months of my child's absence, my ex-husband often didn't answer the phone, but I insisted on making phone calls every day an hour before my child went to bed.

In January 2022, after a four-month mediation period, the Taiwan court accepted my divorce and custody petition, and through the court's temporary disposition, I was guaranteed the right to have half an hour of video video with my son every day.

However, my ex-husband repeatedly prevented me from reuniting with my son, and the most hateful time was that in May 2022, after I was forced to be separated from my son for 9 months, I was finally able to enter Taiwan to see my son, but he took advantage of the court's temporary wording to only allow me to pick up the child on Saturday and send it back on Sunday night.

I flew from the United States to Taiwan, first quarantined in an expensive epidemic prevention hotel for 14 days, and stayed in a hotel for 18 days, and only had 4 days and 2 nights to be with my children!

Other times, he and his family hid their son, and I couldn't see him even though we were close to him. I was helpless and heartbroken in my hotel room every day.

(Traveling thousands of miles to reunite with his son)

The day after I was reunited with my son was a Sunday, my ex-husband asked me to send him back, but my son refused to leave me, crying and trying to sleep with me.

Unexpectedly, at about 10 o'clock in the evening, he led the police to knock on the door of the hotel and forcibly take away the child who had fallen asleep, and his 4-year-old son begged the police: "I want to sleep with my mother." ”

Seeing this, the police relented, but persuaded his ex-husband to leave, but he didn't listen, and pulled in front of the child for more than an hour, and at the insistence of the police, he left in the middle of the night.

My frightened son was at a loss, so I could only reassure: "Dad loves you too much and wants to sleep with you." The son was so preoccupied that he tossed and turned until 1 a.m. before falling asleep.

I sent a message to my ex-husband to explain the situation, asking him to ask the teacher for a leave of absence the next day, so that my son could go to school when he was fully asleep, but he called at 7 o'clock in the morning and kept accusing me of delaying my son's school.

On Mother's Day, I finally saw my child at school, and the child cried and screamed at night to sleep with his mother, and was forcibly taken away by him again. During the daily video call, the son said, "Mom, I'm going to walk to you." Dad said you're busy, not available. Mom, when are you coming to see me? ”

Obviously, my son and I are within easy reach, and I am clearly here for my son, but I am cut off by his father's lies. In order to protect my son's feelings, I couldn't debunk the lie, and my heart was dripping blood while comforting my son: "Soon, when mom is done, I will take you to Harvard kindergarten." ”

From these things, I can see that as a father, he completely disregarded his son's feelings, and was ruthless and ruthless, which strengthened my determination to get custody of the child.

(I'm on campus at Harvard)

The divorce battle in the court officially began, and due to the scheduling problem, the first trial will be held in May 2022, but the irresponsible Taipei female judge delayed the second trial in October before saying that the case is not under the jurisdiction of Taipei, where the child's household registration is located, and will be transferred to Chiayi, where the child is actually located. A year was wasted.

The third trial will be held in Chiayi in January 2023, and fortunately, the judge in Chiayi is responsible and impartial, and arranged for a family investigator to do a three-way interview.

My ex-husband and I were each interviewed for three hours each; I went to the kindergarten alone to interview my son; At the same time, I observed my ex-husband's interaction with the children separately. My part is only online.

The Family Ombudsman finally came to the fair conclusion that it was in the best interests of the child to recommend that the mother take parental authority.

(I spoke at the National Conference on the Development of Children's Mental Health)

In the course of the lawsuit, the ex-husband and his lawyer actually submitted a video of the child's singing on July Day to the court when the child was in kindergarten in Shenzhen, saying that mainland education is not suitable for children.

I can't change their arguments about such unwarranted smears. At this time, I had to consider the advice of a Taiwanese lawyer, change my place of residence to the United States, and buy a house and settle in a nearby good school district as a destination for child custody.

After the fourth court session in May 2023, the first instance judgment in July ruled that I was successfully divorced and obtained custody of the children. I helped my son register for school, bought a plane ticket to Taiwan in August, and prepared to pick up my son to Boston in early September.

(Since then, flowers have been dedicated to themselves, and horses have stepped on flowers to freedom)

But the ex-husband actually appealed! My son and I were very disappointed that we couldn't pick up my son to the U.S. as planned.

My ex-husband and I reasoned with the facts: my economic conditions are better than his, and my son's school around Harvard in the United States has better educational resources than that in Chiayi, Taiwan, and is more suitable for his son's lively and active personality. But he didn't respond at all.

In August, I was on a transit flight from the Netherlands to Taiwan, but I was stranded by a typhoon and could not fulfill my promise to pick up my son from school on Thursday, so I had to send a message to my ex-husband and ask him to convey the truth to my son, and my mother had to pick him up a day later.

As a result, after I arrived, I made the tenth call, and my ex-husband finally answered, and my son opened his mouth on the phone and asked, "Mom, why did you lie to me?" "Sure enough, my ex-husband will only take the opportunity to separate my relationship with my son!

Since my ex-husband took my son to Taiwan, I have been to see my son six times in more than two years, and each time it was a difficult struggle.

He also asked me to send the child back to his house every night while the child was under immigration control. Every time, I had to spend 5,000 or 6,000 yuan in lawyer's fees to apply to the court for temporary disposition, and as long as I didn't apply once, I couldn't sleep with my children.

After the first-instance verdict, he sent a message saying that I should give up child support, and he gave up his custody rights. It dawned on me that my ex-husband's purpose in stealing the child was just for money! During the snatching of the child, he also verbally attacked me many times for "pretending to love the child" and asked me to send money to the child to prove my love.

He kept his son with him for money, and he used him to blackmail me into giving money. Another reason, as a mother's boy, he listened to his mother's advice: the eldest son and eldest grandson must stay in Taiwan. He didn't take into account his son's wishes and feelings, nor did he think about how to give his son a better living and educational environment.

In order to achieve his selfish goals, he tried his best to have no bottom line.

My son's birthday wish at the age of five and six was to "be with my mother". The child said, "Every time they say that my mother is bad, I am not happy" and "Grandma often quarrels with my grandfather and father".

Seeing my ex-husband's personality clearly, for the sake of my son's mental health, I will do my best, even if it is to fight to the Supreme Court of Taiwan and even the international court, I will not give up.

The second trial was held in Tainan on January 10, 2024, and the trial result is still awaited.

(I wore my son's chosen shirt on the day of the second trial)

The long mental torture and the suffering I endure will be turned into armor, and everything that cannot kill me will eventually make me strong. I went from a gentle and peaceful personality to a "Kochi woman", a warrior who fought for the rights of mother and child.

I can't help but sigh that as an economically independent Kochi woman, I was inevitably harmed by the poison of the patriarchal society, and was snatched away by my mother's treasure man as the "eldest son and eldest grandson" of his family, and was interfered with by my patriarchal Taiwanese mother-in-law.

How many disadvantaged women in this world have been treated unfairly in their lives for various reasons? I want to fight for the rights that women deserve.

Last year, I spoke twice at the International Feminist Forum. One was at the International Women Leaders Initiative forum, where I gave a talk on "Stereotypes of Women Constrain Women Themselves" with feminism experts from the U.S. and Canada.

(I flew into the sky again and let myself go)

The second time was in Washington, D.C., where together with female officials from the United Nations women's organization UN Women, at the "Leadership Building of Women in Science and Technology" forum, they put forward policy recommendations on how to support women entrepreneurs in China's science and technology community, and officials from the Chinese Embassy in the United States came to listen to the forum.

Chinese women have long been required to play the role of good wives and mothers, pay attention to self-sacrifice, and have completely limited their own development.

In modern society, men only need to fight for their careers, and all other dross is a matter of course. It is even harsher for women, who must have both a career and a husband and children, and both maintain marriage and raise children. Even when the wife is stronger than her husband in terms of ability and career, she is often asked to sacrifice herself and support her husband.

The inequality between men and women is reflected in all aspects of life and work, and as educated women, we have an obligation to break down prejudices, bravely fight for our rights and rights, and defend women's legal rights.

(I'm in front of the statue of the founder of Harvard University)

The strange incident of being robbed of a child by my ex-husband in Taiwan is my pain. This pain turned into boundless anger, which in turn became the driving force behind my struggle, and I will continue to work tirelessly to speak up for myself and all women.

In the United States, custody of children under the age of 12 is usually awarded to the mother, unless the mother is unwilling and unable to raise the child. This is a reasonable conclusion based on long-term research.

Authoritative psychological meta-analysis studies have found that children brought by single mothers are almost no different from children from two-parent families in terms of parent-child relationship and primary development. Children brought up by single fathers are negatively affected in all aspects of development, including lack of social and cognitive development.

Based on big data, after single fathers snatch their children, many of them will be like my Taiwanese ex-husband, throwing them to their elderly parents, while single mothers will pay more for their children emotionally and educationally. The energy invested by both sides is not the same, and the results naturally obtained are also different.

(I practice speaking in the English Speech Club)

Now I am a visiting scholar at Harvard, and I am also training and interning to obtain a clinical counseling license in the United States, and I have started a new relationship.

If you don't break it, you can't stand it, start a second life and create a new career under the predicament. I deeply understand that a midlife crisis requires courage and breakthroughs.

With half an acre of flower fields in my heart, hidden in the world, I firmly believe that no one can stop my courage to overcome obstacles and pursue a better life except myself. Even if the world is occasionally cold, my heart is still full of flowers.

[Dictation: Mei knows]

[Editor: Beacon Flame]

We can't experience different lives, but we can feel different life trajectories here, every photo here is a bit of life, every story is a real life, if you also like it, please click to follow!

(*This article is based on the oral statements of the parties, and the authenticity is the responsibility of the oral narrator.) Friendly reminder from this account: Please identify the relevant risks by yourself, and do not blindly follow the trend to make impulsive decisions. ）

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Personal opinion, for reference only