Getting married doesn't have to be for happiness, but divorce does
Many people often complain after marriage: Why did my partner become what he is?
If I had done it all over again, I would certainly not have come together with this partner I have now.
Others fantasize: if I could choose again, I would find a better partner.
Although the current social environment is quite tolerant of divorce, divorce is after all a particularly significant change in everyone's life, and for many people, it may be even more traumatic.
In recent years, the divorce rate on the mainland has been rising steadily, and the national average divorce rate in the first quarter of 2020 has approached 40%. Moreover, according to relevant data from the Ministry of Civil Affairs, more than 70% of the reasons for divorce come from "emotional discord".
With such a high divorce rate, how many women bear the label of "divorce"!
With the divorce rate getting higher and higher now, more and more people will face this problem. On the surface, divorce is the breakup of two people, but in essence, it is a change in lifestyle. From the life of two people, back to the life of one person. Some families have children and still need to deal with children's problems. I believe there are still parts of divorced families that don't have as much dog blood tearing each other apart, or you fight for property. If everyone is a relatively civilized group, they will also take into account the child's mood and take care of the child's feelings to the greatest extent. After all, divorce does not mean that it must be a husband and wife who turn against each other, or it may just be a personality incompatibility or living habits cannot be harmonized.
The three stages of psychological experience after divorce
Period of denial
Do not believe or are unwilling to admit their divorce facts after others, for fear of losing people, afraid of being discussed by others, afraid of being looked down upon by others.
Closure period
Divorced women are depressed due to emotional setbacks and blows, so they close themselves off. Not wanting to see anyone, not wanting to participate in any form of social activities, seeing other partners qingqing me, will increase their psychological burden.
Depressive state period
Due to the separation of marriages and the breakdown of families, divorced women tend to be pessimistic and disappointed, ashamed of themselves, and feel very depressed and helpless.
In real life, no one can predict that we will always be in a stable and happy intimate relationship for the rest of our lives.
When this intimate relationship is in crisis, people often see divorce as the last resort to break the crisis, so as to completely end the old life and relieve the pain of the soul.
The severance of the marital relationship through divorce does not mean that the pain will never return, and divorce may cause people to fall into emotional and psychological crisis.
In most cases, divorce affects children and also causes serious psychological trauma to adults.
Trauma psychology mainly refers to the psychological trauma caused by the strong emotional reaction and psychological harm caused by various natural and man-made disasters, especially life-threatening events.
At present, the study of trauma psychology is mainly focused on those who are not life-threatening, and the chronic disorders of emotional emotion, behavior, somatic, and cognitive caused by chronic negative emotional accumulation generally occur in the days, months or years after trauma.
Psychologist Jung believed that psychological trauma first led to a withdrawal of personality, or a partial withdrawal of the self.
Traumatic people who re-recognize themselves often trigger a psychological mechanism called "regression" when they enter intimate relationships, and in some parts, they will regress to childhood, or earlier.
One of the reasons for this state of affairs is that the needs that were not met in the first place, even attacked or ridiculed, were attempted to find comfort in the new relationship.
Marriage is a grand projection
What our parents make us lack, we ask our partners to have
If our childhood needs are not met, then we feel unappreciated and lonely.
In order to make up for what their parents did not give, many people will create a fictitious image in their hearts and fill it with what they are missing.
More commonly, many people end a marriage they think is bad and still have a bad life after moving on to the next one.
When we regress in intimate relationships, our inner infantile needs are projected. To be satisfied, some individuals in love or marriage will look for the initial attachment, and when the goal is achieved, they will experience happiness. It's just that sometimes, in the early years of the link with parents, there is too much fear, anger and disappointment, leading to avoidance of relationships, which is another situation. Some women are hurt in real marriages, and that pain goes straight to the depths, triggering initial separation anxiety and fear of separation.
Infantile helplessness combined with adult hatred begins to disbelieve the world, begins to interpret the persecution signals of the surrounding environment or others, and then acts accordingly to prove that they are right.
Expect your partner to become the perfect parents we fantasize about, fulfilling all our needs.
It is impossible for our spouse to do all this, and he/she is once again disappointing us, and at this moment, the new hatred and the old hatred are intertwined, creating a new or stronger psychological button!
Some partners turn marriage into a battleground for conflict, and some partners break up bitterly in conflict, and they all think that they have not chosen the right person.
Love binds men and women who are not related to each other by blood!
They love each other and care for each other.
Willing to pay for each other, no other relationship can be like love except affection.
So couples get married and have children, form a family, they are not only lovers but also relatives.
Lovers have played the role of relatives in this link.
Many people looking for a partner is actually looking for the kind of person who can give themselves a sense of security, why?
Because of the unfinished events of the psyche, in addition to the parents, the lover has also become his best spiritual companion.
They will act as their own therapists, just like the counselors, healing our wounds and allowing us to grow new ones.
The spouse we are looking for, often much like our nurturer, is our subconscious mind that helps us choose a partner who can be our "healing."
Give yourself a window
No matter how busy you are, you have to give yourself a big holiday of body and mind, let yourself start from the heart, meet your true self and a better self, know how to love, and dare to love again.
Marriage is really just a kind of relationship. There should be many kinds of interpersonal circles in our lives, not just marriage. When a marriage breaks down, if there are other comfortable circles of interpersonal social relationships, then it can also help us out of the problem of marriage failure in some way. This point actually needs to be paid attention to during the marriage. After many women get married, they don't go out much to socialize, surround their husbands and children every day, and once the marriage is in a situation, they will be isolated. So relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are very important. In life, it needs to be maintained.
The essence of marriage is a cooperation, as long as it is cooperation, there is a problem of resource matching.
You fly too fast and you will throw the other person away;
You fly too slowly and you will be dumped by the other side.
The most terrible relationship between husband and wife is that one party is moving forward and the other is standing still.
When your partner flies too fast, you should not be happy, but should have a sense of crisis...
With you, I am the icing on the cake, without you, my world is still blooming with the brilliance of my own life.
In a mature relationship, love yourself in this way.
Your relationship with others is your relationship with the world.
No one can love you the way you want, except yourself, you are not always worried that no one loves you, in fact, you are worried that no one will love you the way you want.
About the Author: Hyun-hong's teacher
Psychological counselor, tarot divinator, planetary energy bowl healer, free code word person, trainer.
The Burrow listens to people cold and warm, and the love volume is the reason.
Red dust comes and goes without a trace, cooking words to heal people's hearts.
I met you, and then I met myself, and fate is like a knife, let me learn with you. - Practical psychology