Writer Lu Qi once said a sentence:
"Everyone thinks that helping people has power, but in fact, rejection is a more powerful thing. Learn to refuse, people know your bottom line, only to understand, where can bully you, where can not. ”
Rejection is a right and a necessary means of establishing personal boundaries.
Establishing clear personal boundaries is the premise of building good interpersonal relationships; having good interpersonal relationships is the root of a person's happiness.
Learning to say no is the beginning of happiness. However, rejection is an ability that not everyone has.
In the book "Human Disqualification", it is written:
"My misfortune lies precisely in my lack of ability to refuse. I was afraid that rejecting someone else would leave a rift in each other's hearts that would never heal. ”
People who do not understand rejection often have unclear boundaries and unclear bottom lines.
They are usually not because they are kind and can't bear to reject others, but they are afraid that they will not be recognized, not accepted, and afraid that once they refuse, it will lead to the breakdown of the relationship and the rift of the relationship.
Especially when facing family affection.
01. Parents favor younger brothers
The same is true of netizen Yang Na (pseudonym). The request of her relatives made her unable to accept it, but she did not know how to refuse, because she did not want to break with her relatives and did not want the relationship to be damaged.
In the process of trying to balance the relationship between the two parties, she fell into mental intriguation, and every day she was restless, entangled, and exhausted...
At the suggestion of her girlfriend, she posted on the Internet to ask netizens for advice: "My sister-in-law, who is more than 3 months pregnant, wants to come to my house to give birth, how should I refuse?" ”
Yang Na is 33 years old and unmarried.
At present, he is in a large supermarket in the city, serving as a management worker, with a monthly salary of 8300 yuan. She has a house of nearly 90 square meters under her name, and repays about 4,000 yuan per month.
The house was bought 7 years ago, when the price was still relatively cheap, but the down payment still cost her all her savings at that time, and thanks to her parents, she took 100,000 yuan to her.
Her parents were able to give her 100,000, which was a big surprise for her. In fact, the conditions in her family are not bad, but she has a younger brother.
Mothers often say that some of the children in the world come to repay the favor, and some come to collect debts.
The younger brother came to collect debts, just born so that the father had no job, the family's economy also suffered a certain loss, although it was only 20,000 or 30,000, but it was not a small amount at that time.
Later, my father started a business, and the family's financial situation began to slowly improve.
Yang Na knew early on that her parents loved her brother more.
Although there is no difference between her and her brother in terms of eating and wearing, her parents are obviously biased towards her brother in terms of time, energy and emotion.
As a result, she has also developed a self-reliant personality, and her negative emotions are silently digested by herself, and her parents have always been very reassured about her.
The younger brother was raised to be "nesty", cowardly and incompetent on the outside, but very domineering at home, and had to rob her of everything.
At that time, one of her most hated sentences was "You are a sister, you want to let your brother."
02. Parents who buy a house also have money
The younger brother was not the material for reading, but the parents had to catch the ducks on the shelves, and finally paid for the younger brother to go to a specialty. She studied better, but her partial subjects were serious, her parents did not pay attention to it, and she was not admitted to college in the end.
After graduating from high school, she was introduced by relatives to work in a supermarket in the city.
For a long time, she lived alone in a rented house.
More than 20 square meters of single room, no kitchen, no bathroom, no TV, no computer, no heating, only a bed. Every winter night, she shivered with cold.
She doesn't like to share a room with people, maybe she has lived with her brother for a long time, has a psychological shadow, and she just wants to possess something alone.
Her mother would sometimes visit her in the city and see that her living environment was very poor, and often asked her to save more money, saying that in the future, the family would fund her to buy a small house to settle down.
Her mother was earnest, she heard her heart, and she kept trying to save money, and when she saved some money, her mother changed her mouth, saying that girls still did not need to buy a house.
Although her mother's words extinguished her enthusiasm, buying a house became her obsession.
Later, the parents spent 900,000 yuan before and after to build a building for their brother to get married, and the decoration, furniture, and home appliances were all renewed.
After the house was built, my mother fell seriously ill.
At that time, most of the time that my mother was hospitalized, she was with her, running before and after running, serving day and night. After her mother recovered from her illness, she took 100,000 yuan to buy a house for her.
03. Sister-in-law wants to come to my house to give birth, how to refuse
After having a house, Yang Na while paying off the mortgage, while saving money to decorate, in order to make more money, she put most of her time, on the work, coupled with personality reasons, she has been single.
My brother got married very early. After graduating from school, my brother wandered outside for more than a year, did not earn money, but took his pregnant sister-in-law home.
The personality of the sister-in-law is similar to that of the younger brother, there is no ability, but the personality is willful and domineering, not only does she often quarrel with her brother, but the relationship between the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is also a mess.
When the niece first turned one year old, the sister-in-law who could not stay at home ran to work with her brother in the field. It was not until after she conceived her second child that her sister-in-law returned.
The sister-in-law lived at home for half a month, and the family relationship was very tense, so the younger brother hit Yang Na with the idea.
The younger brother wants his sister-in-law, who is more than 3 months pregnant, to come to her house to give birth.
Yang Na's house is in a good location, surrounded by shopping malls, schools, parks, and is also close to the hospital, and it is also convenient to do obstetric examinations.
The younger brother always wanted a son.
The sister-in-law was pregnant once before and did not keep it, and it was not easy to get pregnant after 3 years. Therefore, parents and brothers pay more attention to her, and they all hope to live here with her, which is not only a good environment, a good atmosphere, but also convenient.
Yang Na knows her sister-in-law's temper, knows that she is not easy to get along with, and she is busy with work, and she does not have the time and energy to take care of a pregnant woman.
She didn't say yes, but she didn't refuse, just found a lot of reasons to shirk it. The younger brother got angry and said he would pay her rent and living expenses...
In the end, the younger brother saw that she was hesitant and pulled the east and the west, and he was even more angry, saying: "The parents of the house also have money, not you alone..."
04. You have been single and will have to rely on your brother in the future
Two days later, my parents also came forward.
Her parents told her not to be too selfish and to take care of family affection. The mother's words are particularly heartfelt: "You have always been single and not married, and in the future, your brother's family will be your only close relative, and when you are old, you will rely on your brother..."
For more than a week in a row, Yang Na received calls from home every day, and she was irritable, not wanting to bring a big trouble to her life, but also not wanting to make things too stiff, affecting family affection.
Just when she was in a dilemma, her girlfriend said: "Will your brother covet your house, find an excuse to have a child in your house, followed by confinement, and then the child to study, after all, your side is the most convenient, and the environment is good." ”
After Yang Na listened, she was more worried that although the buildings in the town were very spacious, her sister-in-law had always wanted to buy a house in the city, but her brother couldn't come up with money at all.
My parents have also stopped their business in recent years, have been eating old money, and have no money to buy them a house. So, there is some truth to the girlfriend's concern.
She was so entangled that she didn't know how to refuse.
In "The World of Man", Jin Yueji is a person who lives through.
On the grounds that "it is easy to ask God to send God is difficult", she refused to let Feng Yue borrow it at home. Because Feng Yue is a child of a relative's family, there is no specific time for how long he will live.
She felt that "awkwardness is more terrible than loneliness", Feng Yue is an adolescent child, in case something happens, how to explain?
Jin Yueji looks cold and unkind, but in fact, she has a strong sense of boundaries, and she directly blocks potential troubles by refusing.
For Yang Na, the sister-in-law who has a bad temper and is not easy to conceive is also a potential trouble, if something happens when she lives in her house...
The writer Bi Shumin once said: "Rejection is suffering, but it is a temporary pain, and after the pain is peace." ”
It's really hard to say no. But if you can learn to use rejection to establish clear personal boundaries, then your life path will be much easier.
Do you think Yang Na should refuse? How do I refuse?
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