Author| Zhang Weifei
Image credit| pexels
Sources | the possibility of growth
Will your circle of friends block your parents?
In the variety show "Spring Day Delays Departure", Fu Seoul, a debater, said: "The last time I was unhappy was a few days ago, I found out that my son blocked me. I would like to say that my parent-child relationship is still in this situation? ”
Fu Seoul found many people at his son's birthday party to celebrate, blow candles, and sing birthday songs, and the scene was very lively, but the child showed resistance, and afterwards he told his mother: "I don't like to be overly concerned." ”
Fu Seoul also understood her son's thoughts, but then she found that her son sent a circle of friends, "Unconsciously 12 years old, in the past year, thank you for many people to accompany me." The son's thank-you list mentioned several of Fu Seoul's best friends, but did not mention his parents. Didn't block her good friend, but blocked her.
"My first reaction was, am I not worthy of your thanks? The moment I found out he was shielding me, as a mother, to be honest my heart was the most shocking moment I felt in all my years, why was it so shocking? I may feel that it destroys a certain part of my self-confidence. ”
Fu Seoul also sighed on Weibo: "Just learned to get along with children, and then I have to figure out how to get along with teenagers." ”
In Fu Seoul's Weibo comment area, this topic has resonated with many people, many children have used the blocking function of the circle of friends, for various reasons.
"Every time I post emo text, my mom will ask me in person what I mean, and I feel very sad." ”
"My parents wouldn't let me post photos in the circle of friends, and when I sent anything, they would say that girls can't do anything." ”
- "I'm in my 20s and still block my parents." It feels like they don't quite understand our thoughts at times. ”
"I don't block my mom, I think sometimes my mom's reaction to my circle of friends is cute." ”
Under what circumstances will a child's circle of friends block parents? When parents learn that they are blocked, how do they feel?
#1
One of the reasons for the blocking: "Parents don't understand me." ”
When exploring different circle of friends stories, we found that today's teenagers do not directly completely block their parents, most of them choose "group visible" or "partially blocked", so that parents can see or do not see the circle of friends content, are filtered.
Lin Mu is a post-00s who carefully manage the circle of friends, food, beautiful scenery, selfies, photography, and videos record the colorful life of the post-00s.
When asked if she would block her parents by sending a circle of friends, she replied, "It depends." Those who spend money on shopping and say some very over-the-top remarks will block their parents, and those who study seriously and take travel selfies will not be blocked. ”
In the content shared in the circle of friends, the biggest difference with parents is the concept of consumption, so this is the content that Lin Mu will definitely block.
Parents are parents with traditional consumption concepts, thinking that Lin Mu should save more money, but Lin Mu likes to travel, like food, and also like shopping, which makes them occasionally have contradictions and differences.
"It is also understandable that there are also epidemic considerations, they will think that I always go out to eat and drink and have fun on weekends and holidays, in fact, they do not want my salary to subsidize the family, they hope that I will save money, but I began to intern, the salary I earned to buy some favorite things, eat, drink and play, the mood is very good, the internship pressure is quite large, I also need to relax."
The concept of consumption is different, the circle of friends that spends money makes parents see them are also uncomfortable, commenting on me I am not comfortable, it is better to block, everyone is happy. For Lin Mu, the shield button of the circle of friends is equivalent to blocking some disputes and contradictions in the family.
"Now going to the circle of friends will not block my parents, and my mother will comment on my selfies and get to know my friends." Before she complained that I went out to play, I would not send a circle of friends, and she asked me: 'How can I go out and play without sending a circle of friends?' Everyone else has sent it. 'Hair will also be scolded, and if it is not sent, it will also be scolded.' Lin Mu said.
Because of the differences, Lin Mu once completely blocked his parents for a period of time, and did not see his daughter's circle of friends for several months, which made her mother feel very concerned.
"My mom asked me directly if I had blocked her. No way, it was later changed to group visible. I felt like my mom was still a little sad, and she said to me, 'I want to see.'" So now I will subconsciously send more circles of friends that I want to show my parents. ”
There are "only parents are not visible", and there are also "only parents are visible".
The reasons for shielding parents in the circle of friends are different, but it does not mean that the parent-child relationship is not good, sometimes it is also a manifestation of love, parents care about their children, want to understand their children's lives is a kind of love, children do not report good news, but also a kind of love.
In the process of chatting, we found that sometimes the reason why children block their parents is simple: "I think parents can't understand." ”
Liu Ling usually loves to play games, is very interested in e-sports, is a "Internet addict teenager", his circle of friends has a large number of online games, e-sports information, and who to team up today "double row", tomorrow draw card draw which skin.
Share your favorite esports team, want esports chairs, want gamepads, the circle of friends almost revolves around the game, there are a lot of fresh words.
"I will definitely block my parents, but they are not against me playing games, after all, I have been working for a long time." But they can't understand, before the EDG competition won the championship, I was too excited, sent a circle of friends did not block my mother, she saw it and immediately asked me 'What is EDG for?' ’。
It was troublesome to explain to her, and explaining that she might not be able to understand why I was excited, there was a big generation gap. Liu Ling said.
#2
The second reason for the shielding: "Report good news but not worry." ”
For Cheng Yingying after 95, shielding parents is a common thing.
In her own words, the "funeral culture" in her circle of friends is rampant, and there are all kinds of feelings about life, sometimes more negative, so that their parents can see it, and they will worry.
"Once I stayed up late and watched a documentary at school, I remember it was called "Mongolian Steppe Weather", a family on the grassland, a six-year-old girl is already the main labor force of the family, driving cattle, sheep and horses every day, the girl wants to go to school, wants to become a teacher, but the relatives leave her one by one, until the age of 12, even the girl has passed away. After reading it may be late at night, very sad, but also some feelings, just sent a circle of friends record, the next day my mother called to ask me, is not happy? Cheng Yingying said.
"Our little bit of emotion is a big deal in the eyes of adults, my mother even I change an avatar will study for half a day, sometimes it is really not in a good mood, change a cartoon avatar with eyes shrugged, my mother will immediately send WeChat to ask me: 'How to change such an avatar?' Not happy again? My mother was very concerned and sensitive to my emotions, and sometimes I felt embarrassed, and over time, I wanted to shield her when I was sad in the middle of the night. My dad is fine, not very asking, never liked and commented on my circle of friends, I suspect he blocked me. ”
Cheng Yingying also shared a thing that impressed her, she just graduated from work last year, and she always couldn't help but complain about the pressure of work in the circle of friends.
"At that time, the circle of friends actually wanted to get the comfort of my parents, but things developed more than I imagined, I said that I was tired at work, overtime and fever, and I received a call from my mother, she said that she bought a high-speed rail ticket, and now she rushed to take care of me, which frightened me, quickly comforted her that I was okay, and let her quickly return the ticket." At that time, the epidemic was also quite serious, and later considering that the epidemic was inconvenient to cross provinces, she refunded the ticket. Since then, I have never dared to let my parents know my negative emotions, and it has become a habit to report good news and not worry outside. ”
I wanted to lie to my parents and get a little comfort, but I didn't expect my mother to book a ticket directly to come over, which made Cheng Yingying both moved and helpless. Since then, she has become accustomed to blocking her complaining circle of friends from her parents, or only grouping them visible.
Cheng Yingying found that whether it is going to college or going out to work, the more distant the parents, the more they will care about what their children's circle of friends are sharing, because they are not around, the circle of friends has become a very important window, so that parents know what their children are doing and whether they are doing well or not.
The circle of friends of children who remain with their parents is relatively less concerned.
Cheng Yingying also asked her friend Lingling about this topic, and Lingling said: "My mother is not interested in my circle of friends at all, I suspect that she sometimes can't brush it at all, and she doesn't like it when she brushes it, and I don't have the desire to explore." When I was in college, my dad often asked me the content of the circle of friends, who to play with, who is this, he will ask, now living at home, he does not care about my circle of friends, sometimes when eating brushed to my circle of friends directly asked, did not see the question is not asked, shielded or shielded there is no difference. ”
#3
What are blocked parents thinking?
It is no secret that young people's WeChat circle of friends blocks their parents. Tencent News's "Circle of Friends Annual Family White Paper" released in 2018 mentioned that 52% of children had blocked their parents from viewing their circle of friends or had not added parents and friends.
The shield button seems to become a kind of screening, and the filtered circle of friends presents what young people want to be, representing their preferences, emotions and lives. This is a manifestation of young people's increased self-awareness, this generation of children from an early age to have their own independent room, care about whether their parents enter the door or not, do not like to answer work calls after work, with a strong sense of boundaries.
What do parents think about the "blocking" of their children?
"When I click into my child's circle of friends and see a line, I am very concerned about it at that moment, and I wonder if my daughter has an opinion on me?" Wang Ping, a parent after the 70s, said.
Wang Ping said that her daughter usually has a good relationship with herself, and on her birthday, her daughter will personally make a cake and send a circle of friends to bless her. But there are also days when the circle of friends will become a line, and in a few days there will be content again.
According to her observation, her daughter's lack of money, learning skills, and gathering with friends are the content she can see most often, and she has not actually explored what her daughter sent in the days when she was blocked.
"At first I was very uncomfortable, but it was only a momentary emotion, I wouldn't always put it on my heart, I could understand it after a little thought, the child grew up, there must be her own secrets, just like she only said something to her friends, I can also understand, every parent is also from the child's growth, I also have things that I don't want to say to my parents." 」 I don't think it's a generation gap, who can be without a heart? This is normal. ”
For her daughter's "selective shielding", Wang Ping will not take the initiative to ask the reason. In her opinion, the reason for the shielding is nothing more than that the daughter has some things that she does not want to be understood by adults.
"I will definitely not ask, asking too much will make the child disgusted, and now the children are afraid of nagging." Still need to distinguish between love and control, and give the child enough personal space. When she was young, her father and grandmother and I used to enter her room without knocking on the door and not allow her to close the door, which once broke out in our family. Since then, we have known that our daughter cares a lot about privacy. ”
When her daughter's circle of friends clicks open and becomes a line, Wang Ping will quietly make a phone call to chat with her daughter about the recent situation.
"The circle of friends is indeed a window for us to understand our children, but not all of them, and we can also chat and communicate directly."
Another parent, He Xiaohui, is not very able to understand the "circle of friends shielding", she believes that this is not frank enough, is a symbol of the estrangement between parents and children.
"Once at a family gathering, her cousin said that she missed it, saying 'Where did your circle of friends go to see the concert', and I found that there were some contents that I couldn't see, such as she and her classmates wouldn't tell me when they went to the concert. I asked her, and she didn't think it was necessary for me to see it, and I didn't care about her interests and hobbies, only about how many points she had taken on the exam. ”
This made He Xiaohui very sad, and for a long time, she was cautious about her daughter. "In fact, there is still a bit of a problem with our communication, she may think that I am a very old-fashioned, strict parent, unwilling to share with me such a thing as 'chasing the stars', but in fact, I am willing to spend time for her to learn more things, as long as she is willing to tell me." 」
For the choice of children, He Xiaohui has no way to intervene, and can only try to change herself and understand the child.
"She felt like I only cared about her grades, and maybe that's where I need to reflect." He Xiaohui said.
#4
"Pay close attention and intervene cautiously"
Does the "shielding behavior" of the child mean that the family-parent relationship is not harmonious?
In this regard, the well-known scholar Professor Chu Yin believes that it is a very common phenomenon for children's circle of friends to block their parents, and it is not discordant.
"Circle of friends shielding parents" may be a result of disharmonious family relationships, but it does not prove that family relationships are necessarily disharmonious, which is two things.
Blocking parents is because children now have their own independent space and some privacy of their own, of course, it is also related to some parents inappropriately interfering in their children's lives and complaining too much. Chu Yin suggested that parents should maintain a "high degree of attention and cautious intervention" attitude towards their children after puberty, which would be better.
In addition, it is also important that parents have some relationships with their children, that is, they can avoid this kind of shielding.
"In fact, it is not that this year's young people have a sense of boundaries and a sense of privacy, but that a normal young person should have his own sense of boundaries and privacy." The reason for the lack of parents in our generation may be that in the process of growing up, the family space is relatively small, their independence is relatively small, the family may still be a big family, and there is a lack of a sense of boundaries. But urbanization and modern life will surely produce young people with a sense of power and a sense of boundaries. And now the place where parents work and the place where the family lives and the place where the child goes to school are often relatively large in physical space, so it also gives birth to this sense of independence, which is actually a very normal phenomenon. Chu Yin said.
It is normal for parents to want to see their children's circle of friends, but "seeing" is different from "intervening".
Controlling the parents' own impulses of control and respect for the child is a technical problem, so there is no problem in the circle of friends who want to see the child, the problem is how to see the child's circle of friends? This is the same as the child's diary placed here, parents have to restrain themselves to a great extent, in order to keep themselves from turning over, is the same situation.
In fact, this is also related to the psychological development of adolescent children. Therefore, during this period, the child's subjective consciousness and personal self-awareness will be significantly enhanced, and more attention will be paid to the protection of the self-space; at the same time, their self-awareness is still in multi-level exploration and experimentation, but the parents have stipulated and expected the role they want to play, so the two will often constitute a huge conflict and collision, so the "circle of friends shielding parents" is also one of its specific manifestations in life.
"After the child enters puberty, parents need to change their self-role and positioning, from 'intimate caregiver' to 'far guardian', and the distance from the child is a little wider, which does not mean letting go, but under the premise of adhering to the bottom line of safety and education, give children more space for self-expression, learn to listen to the child's voice, provide stable companionship and support, and have more patience." Li Ruinan said.
Chu Yin suggested that after entering puberty, parents should change their ways, at least one person in the family should be friends with their children. The red face and white face must be clearly distinguished, there is one person to discipline, but two people can not always have one heart. Before puberty, parents often discipline their children to have a heart, so as not to be divided and disintegrated by their children and take advantage of the void.
But after adolescence, there must be a division of labor, there must be a person, with the child does not talk much about learning, mainly talk about emotions, talk about social, there is a person to become friends with the child.
"There is a problem with parent-child communication, it is not a problem, and many times the price paid to solve the problem of parent-child communication is often greater, so we have been saying this, and I have repeatedly emphasized that the phrase is called 'pay close attention, cautious intervention'." Parents can first agree with their children on what the red line is, and then give their children enough respect and freedom in addition to this. ”
Chu Yin said: After the child enters the eleventh or twelfth age, there must be independent space for several things. Independent time, independent responsibilities, independent rights, independent economic base (that is, having your own pocket money), having your own room or cabinet. Then participate in family affairs (i.e., have decision-making power), and fully manage yourself in addition to the major matters agreed with your parents. This is actually a process that begins around the age of 10, and when puberty is more obvious at the age of 13, if the transition of these three years is better, there are actually no problems.
Therefore, parents do not have to be too anxious about this phenomenon. "In fact, many times children are normal, parents are not normal, because in our time this group of parents bear the most intense such a change such as big city life, the transformation of modern life, so in fact, often our parents are not normal, we have a clear grasp of the boundary between control and love, most parents in China need to learn." Chu Yin said.
(Except for experts and scholars in the article, the rest of the interviewees are pseudonyms.) ）