The writer Sanmao once received a letter from a reader who said:
"I am 29 years old, unmarried, and the lowest clerk in a customs broker.
Every day after work, I return to the rental house, look at the material and spiritual lack of life, and can't find the value of living....."
Between the lines, all reveal the reader's disappointment and decadence in life, and the helplessness of life.
After reading the letter, Sanmao replied to her like this:
"Unhappy girl, your mind isn't free, right?"
If I were you, the first thing to do was to increase the expectation and importance of the self, sweep away the string of inferior words in the letter from life, and never look down on yourself again.
You have a legitimate profession, you can afford to rent a room, your appearance is not bad, you know how to further explore the meaning of life after commuting, this is a very beautiful thing, why do you feel humble?
A person who does not appreciate himself is difficult to be happy. ”
Screenshot of the movie "All the Time"
Sanmao uses gentle and delicate words to tell every "unhappy girl" who cannot reconcile with the ordinary and accept the truth of life:
There are no perfect people in the world, everyone is a unique being. We should love ourselves from the bottom of our hearts, give ourselves the energy and confidence to grow vigorously, and eventually become "happy girls".
Luo Jinyue, a national psychological counselor and family therapist, also pays attention to women's strength, and expresses his self-point of view in the theme book "No Welcome, No Rejection, Birth to Joy": turning introverted is the way out.
Along the vein of "awareness-acceptance-exploration-belief-relationship", combined with practical cases, the author deeply analyzes the common confusion and self-healing of modern women, and further teaches you how to talk to the depths of your heart, see the hidden needs, truly understand yourself and love yourself in a suitable way.
1. On the dilemma: With the wisdom of the problem, slowly grow into yourself
Although modern women have an unprecedented awakening of self-awareness brought about by educational empowerment and economic empowerment, the inherent "labels" that society gives to women still exist, and women are far more under social pressure than men.
They may be "goddesses" or "women", or they may be "working women" or "full-time mothers", not only to bear the burden of the family, but also to meet the competition of the times.
While they are actively working hard, they also feel deeply inferior, and the shackles on their bodies often make them confused, afraid, and powerless.
In "No Welcome, No Rejection, Happy Life", the author writes about many women facing different practical problems, and they have all run towards the light:
Thinking that trying to change a good husband will be different; thinking that knowing how to respect others should be treated well in the relationship; thinking that although the marriage is painful, you can find hope in life in your children...
However, the road became more and more deviant and darker.
Many people are confused, frustrated, miserable, and dissatisfied with themselves. As everyone knows, maybe it was the wrong direction at the beginning.
Everything has cracks, and that's where the light comes in. If you see shadows, it's probably because you have sunlight behind you.
Behind these difficulties, there may be light and treasure hidden. Don't criticize and blame yourself, what you need to do is to use the "wisdom of the problem", through the enlightenment and awareness brought to you by the problem, to be curious about yourself, to allow yourself, to accept yourself, and then to slowly grow into yourself.
Screenshot of the movie "All the Time"
2. On cognition: start from the "heart", face yourself, and understand yourself
Dazai wrote in "Human Disqualification": I have pleased everyone, but I still can't live this life well.
The benign development of a relationship has never been achieved by the contrivance of one party and the low voice, but by being independent of each other, equal to each other, respecting and cherishing.
We live not to please the world, but to please ourselves and enrich ourselves with our own way of life, which is far more powerful than pleasing others.
As it is said in "No Welcome, No Refusal, Born to Joy":
The true path to happiness is to look inward, to explore inward, to please oneself rather than others, or to compete, compare, and grasp from the outside world.
In life, in addition to life and death, the most worthy of our attention is to do yourself well, and living as yourself is more important than anything!
Awareness and introspection are the beginning of all growth. Only by pleasing yourself can you truly face yourself, understand yourself, and improve yourself.
Pleasing oneself is private, and you must learn to accept loneliness and enjoy yourself in one's world; but it is not selfish, and while making yourself beautiful, it will also make the people around you and the things around you more happy and beautiful.
Because, the real strength is to start from the "heart", dare to face and accept the fragile and imperfect self.
Screenshot of the movie Angel Amelie
3. On relationships: explore outward, think inward, and live out your true self
Intimate relationships are divided into "child love" and "adult love".
"Child's love" is pure: when you satisfy me, I will love you. It seems to be a vigorous and desperate love, but it is likely to evolve into unlimited demand and emotional kidnapping "in the name of love".
"Adult Love" Stability: My love for you doesn't change because of you. Compared with "child love", "adult love" can be self-responsible, less depressed, more free, more durable and stable.
In a way, each of us craves "adult love" and wants to be loved unconditionally.
But what we need to understand is that "adult love" is based on self-acceptance and self-trust, and to achieve true relationship security, you need to grow introverted to reach a position where you can give "adult love" to others.
"Adult love" is not to ask the other party to feel safe in the relationship, but to explore themselves, rely on internal integration to obtain security, leave sufficient space to accommodate their own shortcomings and the other party's lack, do not complain, do not please, do not grievance, do not seek perfection, so as to complete a self-cultivation.
Screenshot of the movie The Queen Who Wears Prada
Some people say: We spend our whole lives to get rid of the expectations of others and find our true selves.
There is only one you in the world. Loving yourself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
Do not welcome, do not refuse, live to joy. May we spend our lives learning how to love ourselves better.