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The recent pandemic has drawn almost all families into a whirlpool of uneasiness. People have to face the inconveniences of working and studying from home, but also deal with the contradictions brought about by 24-hour uninterrupted coexistence with their families, and all kinds of fatigue have put the parent-child relationship into crisis. Zheng Gang, principal of Shanghai Jincai Middle School East School, reminded parents that in such a special period, it is precisely necessary to seize the opportunity to reshape the parent-child relationship and give respect and companionship to children with tolerance and understanding.
Wen 丨 Zheng Gang Editor 丨 Zemira
The sudden outbreak of a new wave of the epidemic has disrupted everyone's life and work patterns, parents work from home, and children have entered the state of home online classes. This is a special period, the so-called special period, a period of abnormal state.
Parents and children stay under the same roof for a long time, always look up and look down, you think I am not serious about online classes, I think you manage too much, and the emotions of looking at each other have appeared; "home online learning will definitely affect academic performance" has become the anxiety that some parents have nowhere to put; and all people will be afraid and uneasy about such an epidemic, for disease, for being isolated, and for this "interruption" of life.
In fact, instead of worrying about children's poor learning and trying to make children learn more, it is better to make good use of this special time, and also have the opportunity to better understand our children, find the essence of family education, and build a good parent-child relationship.
1
Starting from the epidemic,
Establish a responsive parent-child relationship
In a sense, the essence of the family is relationship, the understanding of each other's roles between husband and wife, parents and children, and corresponding patterns of behavior. We often hear parents say this:
"As long as you study well, I'm fine."
"Today, I love you, baby, because you scored 100."
When parents express this, subconsciously ruling, controlling and positioning the parent-child relationship with their children's academic performance, at this time, we have forgotten the essence of life and love, and forgotten the original intention of children to come to this world.
If so, the quality of the parent-child relationship will depend on the child's score and grades. In fact, among the factors that affect the lifelong development of children, scores are not the most important, what plays a restrictive role is character, character, happiness as a person, the ability to be happy, and it is welcomed and respected.
Too much concern for the child's learning, little attention to his character, such an educational concept, the way is worrying, will put the child's growth and family relations on the tightrope to play the balance board situation, precarious.
There is also a kind of parent-child relationship that relies on authority and authoritarianism, the relationship between parents and children is a relationship of possession, control and possession, control, and control, and the child seems to be the parent's personal property. Such a relationship is essentially a "vertical" relationship.
Sometimes the child has grown up, but the parents have not "grown up", thinking that the child will always be an infant and that the parent should control everything about the child.
True parent-child relationships are reinforced through "horizontal" relationships, where there is equal communication and long-term vision, such as playing, communicating, compromising, entertaining, or sharing secrets together; in other words, mutual respect, mutual trust, mutual enjoyment, and growth together.
No matter how old the child is, what they crave most is the unconditional love and acceptance from their parents. A positive, soothing relationship between parent and child is essential to promote children's brain development, well-being and mental health, shaping the way they think, feel, behave and learn throughout their lives.
Dr. Sabari said that when parents look at themselves and their dearest children with a clear and aware eye, they can discover the beautiful and unique power of life itself, and they can treat themselves and their children with respect, support, and appreciation, and thus create a beautiful view that supports each other and is independent.
Mike. The Master Family Relationship Model argues that strong family traits within the family are identified as problem solving, family communication, role assignment, emotional engagement, responsiveness, and behavior control. Constructively addressing problems that arise in the family through the right communication channels, as well as sincere emotional responses between family members, is very important for a healthy parent-child relationship.
Relationships within the family are a continuous, changeable and dynamic process. Learning at home is a special period, an abnormal situation, and an opportunity to establish a relationship with children that is connected, caring and responsive, and to achieve supportive parental education.
Building connected, caring, and responsive relationships is a positive parenting style, and one of the most important tasks for parents is to spend time with their children in a more positive way and through difficult and challenging times with them.
At this moment, family education should emphasize that the physical and mental health of the child is the center, and it is necessary to focus on building a normal family life and normal family relationship under an abnormal state. During the stay at home, whether it is the learning conditions, status, or living conditions and states, it will definitely be different from the past. Parents should never follow the previous standards to blame and pay too much attention to their children's learning and performance.
Parents should pay attention to how to solve the mode of life and learning under abnormal conditions, and more importantly, how to guide children to adjust to learning and life patterns at special stages in order to better adapt to the current situation, so as to cultivate children's resilience and resilience. How to cultivate their self-discipline and self-control skills that are crucial in home learning.
True parent-child relationships are about being able to give positive responses and support to children, rather than forcing them to force them.
2
Nourish relationships with the right emotions
Whether it is the outbreak of the epidemic or the long period of staying at home, it has brought unprecedented pressure to many families, bringing negative emotions to parents and children, such as fear, sadness, helplessness, irritability, etc., which are normal emotions, and we must correctly recognize and accept them.
We have to accept some of the child's emotions, such as he is anxious and irritable, easy to have verbal conflicts with parents, easy to obsessed with electronic products, or the quality of homework completion is not high, which is actually very normal.
Sometimes we feel that anxiety makes us uncomfortable, but anxiety itself is sometimes positive. Some people may think that positive thinking about life or positive optimism is a good thing, but not necessarily, sometimes optimism can make us have some expectations, prompting us to move forward, but sometimes optimism makes us mistakenly expect, misjudge our own ability, and ultimately fail to achieve the goal.
Sadness or anxiety is not pleasant, but it does not mean that it does not exist, and sadness is also a normal response that releases stress and emotions, such as sadness when you suffer a loss, which is completely normal and healthy. What is unhealthy is sadness is feeling sorry for yourself, deep self-blame, and doing a second punishment to yourself.
Even if there is no epidemic, children will have corresponding emotions, such as adolescent children because of changes in hormones in the body, they are susceptible to emotional distress; for example, some children will feel depressed on daily rainy days, which is perfectly normal. Not to mention that the amygdala and hippocampus of the brain that control emotional function in children are not yet well developed, and the executive function is usually much weaker than that of adults, unable to control their own behavior and emotions.
Some people say that the emotional ability of parents represents the ability of education, which is true at all, but it does not mean that parents do not have emotions, but should have the ability to "regulate emotions", English is emotional regulation, self-regulation is the ability to manage emotions and behaviors according to the needs of the situation.
It involves being able to resist a frustrating, intense, highly emotional response, and being able to return the emotion to a proper state, such as regulating from extreme anxiety to mild anxiety, with the process of "stress relief" and "expression" in between. The term "control of emotions" is not used here, because "control" has a sense of oppression, but more to let emotions stop at a certain moment, slow down rather than slide into the abyss.
In the face of children's anxiety, depression and stress, the most important thing parents can do is to learn to regulate their emotions. Panic and nervousness are as contagious as the "new crown virus", and if parents cannot regulate their negative emotions, they may also pass them on to their children, making them more uneasy and nervous. If the parents themselves are less anxious and irritable and other negative emotions, or at least do not expose too much negative emotions in front of the child, the stronger the child's self-consciousness and concentration.
Only if the parents themselves find a sense of security, the child is safe, and if the world can't make the child feel safe, then at least at home.
Rouse, a doctor of psychology, has said that the most important thing for parents to manage their children's emotions is empathy understanding and self-regulation skills. The key for parents is not to avoid situations that are difficult for their children to deal with, but to help their children through the difficulties and provide a supportive framework – professionally known as "scaffolding" – until they can cope with these challenges on their own, such as how to properly recognize emotions, how to accept bad emotions, how to use mindfulness, relaxation, etc.
Only when parents have gentle and rational emotions can children establish warm and safe emotional dependence with them, think from the bottom of their hearts that parents are strong and strong, and have the courage and ability to overcome difficulties under emotional attachment.
3
Infinite relationships are premised on boundaries
The love of parents and children is infinite and unconditional, but infinite love does not mean getting along all the time. True parent-child relationships are premised on boundaries, are independent of each other, and respect each other.
There are two modes in the relationship between parents and children, one is "appearing", parents like to find a sense of existence everywhere all the time, like to make decisions for their children in every detail, like a helicopter, controlling everything about their children, or a kind of "false accompaniment", such as when children do homework, some parents will accompany them, but they just hold the mobile phone to brush the screen or play games. This kind of companionship is actually a kind of supervision, or rather, an inducement.
There's also a model of "presence," which refers to psychological and caring at home, and research tells us that parents don't need to fully focus on their children; just being emotionally supportive is key. Parents don't need to go over and over again to help solve all their problems, nor do they need to get all the answers, and sometimes listening silently is more powerful than any other way.
During the stay at home, the sense of boundaries is more indispensable, both the sense of boundaries in the physical sense, and the sense of boundaries in the psychological space, when staying at home, the family's living, working and learning spaces intersect and overlap together, and parents have to work at home and take care of children who study at home.
Children have to study at home and stay at home all the time. For parents, this means finding ways to create boundaries at home, setting boundaries between work, study and life, between themselves and their children, and giving their children a certain amount of space to be alone.
Especially for adolescent children, we must respect their needs for independence and solitude, learn to see the advantages and progress of children, and be more tolerant, understanding and trusting of children. For children, this means respecting these boundaries and finding ways to maintain independence.
Children's self-discipline and sense of self-control are usually a concern for parents during home learning, which involves another kind of boundary, the boundary of rules. Parents and children should agree and discuss rules for online learning, electronic products, sleep time, etc.
"Positive Discipline" advocates a method of disciplining children that neither punishes nor pampers, and only in a kind and firm atmosphere can children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and the ability to solve problems on their own, and can they learn the social skills and life skills that will benefit them for life, and can they achieve happiness and success.
Home learning needs a learning model oriented to the child's independent arrangement and management, and parents should appropriately reduce the requirements, and can discuss the learning plan with the child to give the child the opportunity to learn self-management. The reason is actually very simple: real education and learning is self-education and self-learning, and children have the awareness, habits and abilities of independent learning and lifelong learning from an early age in order to adapt to the changes in the knowledge economy and the information age.
For example, when a child is addicted to mobile phones and does not want to stop, remind him with an agreement, "We discussed, you can play for 30 minutes, now it is 25 minutes, you have 5 minutes, seize the time to play!" If the time has passed, you can say, "You still want to keep playing, don't you?" But we have agreed, and I want to abide by it with you! ”
Parents must express in a clear and firm manner that they want to abide by the agreement with their children and share the responsibility brought about by the agreement. In a calm tone, parents pass on the awareness of the rules to their children, and let the children understand that the rules need to be observed and cannot be changed at will.
When a problem arises, stand in the child's perspective and negotiate an equal dialogue, which can not only ease the parent-child relationship, but also truly solve the problem.
4
Good relationships are based on "co-existence"
In the establishment of parent-child relationship, there is a very important word, that is, "common".
The first "common" is empathy. We often say that we must understand and respect children, to think in a different position, in fact, it is essentially empathy ability, able to understand each other, put yourself in the shoes of others to experience the situation of others, so as to feel and understand the mood of others. During the epidemic, parents should understand their children's emotions and mentality, and they must understand the challenges of online learning for their children, and if we recognize this, we will not be angry or angry because of their children's abnormalities.
The second "common" is to experience a common life. Family life itself is the experience of life, the quality of family life itself is the quality of children's life growth, and experiencing family life together is another secret to establishing a good parent-child relationship. During the epidemic at home, parents should create a common living experience, enjoy three meals together, read books together, and participate in family activities together, so as to enhance communication between each other and enhance the harmony of feelings.
At the same time, it also provides parents with the opportunity to observe their children. According to research by the American Drug Rehabilitation Center and the Center for Drug Abuse, teens who rarely eat family dinners are twice as likely to smoke as they are, and nearly twice as likely to drink heavily.
In fact, the so-called education or influence between people is an interaction of life, the interaction of family affection, and the interaction of emotion, and it is possible to produce a stronger consensus and stronger common values. It can also be said that parents lead their children's growth through common life, family interaction, subtle and so on.
Establishing and maintaining a common daily routine and maintaining a regular family routine is also important for living at home during the pandemic, providing a sense of control, predictability, peace and well-being, and helping children and family members learn to respect others.
The third "common" is to face problems together. The epidemic is a problem that many people are concerned about at present, and parents should not deliberately cover up the epidemic, but should tell the current situation moderately, and guide the child to think about life, think about the world, and think about the concerns of his life. Parents should use profound topics or propositions to influence and promote their growth.
The fourth "common" is to grow together. In learning families, parents and children grow together and even influence each other. The growth of parents, like the growth of children, is an endless process. If there is any problem in the growth of children, it must be a problem in the parents' education methods, and parents must constantly adjust their own education methods to solve the problem.
Moreover, working and studying from home is a challenge for everyone. How to transcend the predicament, take each dilemma as an opportunity to upgrade learning, and take this special stage as a good opportunity to reshape the parent-child relationship is the best state for a family to "grow at home" during such an epidemic period.
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