Why do men always rebel? The real reason hits people's hearts

Keywords: Promise me not to drink, but I can't do it

Q: Hello Cold Love Teacher, I have been talking to my boyfriend for almost two years and have lived together for more than half a year.

I am the kind of introverted person, he belongs to the extroverted lively and cheerful type, because the personality is more complementary, the two people together is still relatively harmonious, the number of quarrels is relatively small, and many problems can also communicate emotionally stably.

He thinks we're almost done and wants to get married in October this year, but I always feel like I'm almost there.

Every time we quarreled, it was because of some bad habits, we had already agreed to the law for three chapters, he promised very well but could not do it every time, and every time he actively knew that mistakes were not corrected.

I can forgive once or twice, but I don't think that's the solution to the problem. People have a bottom line, one day there will be accidents, even if they are married, these are invisible bombs in later life.

Last night, again because he went out drinking with colleagues (not socially), we had a fight.

Drinking is now secondary, and what makes me even more angry is that he obviously promised to drink once a month and couldn't do it, or came back at the agreed time but dragged his feet, drinking without a sense of time, and always likes to find reasons and excuses.

Because of this, I now even start to doubt his integrity and character problems.

Now I feel that I am in a dilemma, breaking up is not marriage is not, this problem is not solved I feel that I can not pass the hurdle in my heart.

I want to ask the teacher: Am I too obsessed? What exactly can be done to change the status quo?

Cold Love Reply:

Many people in the relationship, will encounter conflicts caused by "bad habits". Many feelings eventually fall apart because of "bad habits", some of which are wise to stop losses in time, but many of them are very regrettable.

For example, the problems involved in the above story are actually very profound, no matter whether you have encountered the problem of "bad habits" in life, the following sharing is worth learning, and it is elaborated in two aspects:

First, respect for everyone's lifestyle.

For the "too heavy obsession" and "bad habits" and other issues asked by the heroine in the question description, everything has a degree, and drinking is a very personal thing.

If the other party is drunk every day and is completely in a state of alcoholism, which affects both health, career, and family, then this is a "bad habit" and it is very necessary to correct and help.

But if just having a drink with a colleague, not getting drunk, doesn't cause some health and safety issues, drinking is just a personal way of life.

At this level, knowing that everything is measured is the most important thing.

In addition, from the heroine's mention of "I am an introverted person, and the boy is an extroverted and cheerful person, the two people because of their complementary personalities and get along harmoniously", we can think of one thing:

All extroverts are socially connected, and drinking alcohol is an important lubricant in our traditional culture.

Therefore, it is not possible to talk about the so-called socializing or non-socializing.

Frankly speaking, everyone has a childish side in their hearts and wants to have the idea of relaxing for a while. For many people, drinking alcohol is a way for them to relax.

Of course, I'm not saying that it's a good thing for guys to drink, but everyone has everyone's lifestyle that we should respect and can't force a change.

Therefore, the heroine either chooses a boy who does not drink, but also accepts the possibility that the other party may be more introverted and stuffy.

It is not that a boy who does not drink must be introverted, but it is difficult to ask a boy to be both particularly extroverted and social, and also ask him not to drink.

The heroine may wish to ask herself a question: "Is it really possible to ask the other party to be a person without bad habits, without any shortcomings, or even to be a sage?" ”

As the old saying goes, "No one is a sage, but no one is guilty." We look around in today's world, who are the sages?

If you can really be great and glorious and correct at all times, you are not a mortal.

And if the other party is a sage, can we, an ordinary mortal, be worthy of a sage?

If we want the other person to be a perfect person, then are we a perfect person ourselves?

Second, what is true communication?

In the first part, we talked about "respecting everyone's way of life", and then we talked about the so-called integrity issue, the character issue, and the three chapters of the law.

Many people's communication is actually not communication.

Although the heroine did not attach a chat record, I can infer the essence of communication between the two sides: the heroine is in the third chapter of the law, and the boy is a stopgap measure.

The boy promised to "drink once a month", which must have been promised in a conflict.

Try to imagine what the two sides can do if the boy is in conflict because he is drinking, and the boy has to get up to work the next day, except by agreeing first in exchange for a safe night.

What rules are the worst rules? It is to set a rule that the other party cannot do at all.

This will always put yourself on the moral high ground, and then attack and control the other party. To set a rule that the other party can't do at all, in fact, all you want is for the other party to obey. But who wants to make a marionette?

If the other party is not obedient, it will rise to the integrity problem and the character problem, so that it is difficult to ride the tiger, the pressure of the other party is also very large, in such a relationship, everyone is uncomfortable.

So, what is real communication?

Taking the drinking in the above story as an example, the two sides can actually have a good talk on the table.

First of all, you need to do a homework and dig yourself out:

Why do you resent the other person so much for drinking? What is the meaning of drinking in one's own life script, and what are the underlying concerns? And what do you need, companionship or something else?

In addition, when talking face-to-face, it is also necessary to put aside the attack and understand without judgment what is the meaning of drinking for the other party and what the needs are.

Then find the commonalities and differences between the two people, so that they can seek common ground while reserving differences, so that communication can be reached.

If you really can't accept the difference between the other party and yourself, then it means that the two are not suitable, and don't force them to be together anymore.

The real communication is to express oneself, but also to let the other party express, and the two sides find a consensus, which is "harmony and difference".

Life is like this, one person has soybeans, red beans and mung beans, the other person has mung beans, white beans and black beans, and the two sides reach a consensus to take the mung beans out and boil them into a mung bean porridge and mung bean soup.

Don't think about being perfect in everything, try to compromise in communication, and compromise is also part of love.

The above two parts are what we share today.

Don't be a person who is too obsessed. If you ask the other party to live according to their own wishes or ideas at every turn, life will be bitter.

Wisdom in love is to be harmonious and different.

True love is what it is, not what I want it to be.

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