Some people spend their whole lives being healed by their childhood, while others spend their whole lives healing their childhood. The girl in today's story is one of them.
1
My name is Liu Bing, born in 1992, the only daughter in the family, from Henan. In the winter of 2017, after a few days of stalking and grinding in my junior year in Guangdong, the counselor finally agreed to my one-week leave.
The 1,700-kilometer green train from Guangdong to Henan took nearly 17 hours, but I was full of joy. Because the purpose of this trip is to attend the wedding of her best friend Li Li.
When I arrived in Henan, I told my mother that I was going to be a bridesmaid for my girlfriend. She was obviously dissatisfied with my behavior of cutting first and then playing, but thinking that I would go all the way, she finally had to tell me to "pay attention to safety" and hung up the phone.
The wedding took place in the groom's hometown, a small village in Luohe, Henan. According to local customs, the bride's family was not allowed to observe the ceremony during the wedding and was kept isolated in a courtyard where no one was around.
When picking up a person, the first part of the process is to find shoes. When someone announced the start of the search for shoes, the crowd of onlookers began to heck: "The shoes are hidden in the bridesmaids' dresses!"
"Lift the bridesmaids' skirts!" "Hurry up, groomsmen, what the hell are you going to do!" shouted the onlookers, and there was a momentum that you couldn't let me go.
We watched the encouraged groomsmen slowly approach us and hurriedly said, "Don't don't, we won't hide it." ”
"Don't believe them, lift your skirts!" Wishing that the more cheerful photographer had pointed his camera at us. I was stunned and looked at the people in the room in disbelief.
I began to regret that I didn't consult my mother in advance, but I was afraid to ask her for help, and I could already anticipate her lines: I told you not to go, you don't listen to me, how could my mother hurt you......
Fortunately, the groom found the shoes hidden in the pillow, and we breathed a sigh of disappointment, and there was a sigh of disappointment in the room.
"Ah, found it? The best man has to bring the bridesmaids, the custom here. The photographer emphasizes the latter sentence. We refused at first, but in the end we couldn't bear the groom's impatience and Li Li's urging.
We had no choice but to hand the badge to the groomsmen, and at the bride's command, the groomsmen smiled and slowly put them on for us......
Thinking that I couldn't let my emotions ruin my best friend's wedding, when the back of the best man's hand deliberately squeezed my chest several times, I could only pretend that it was okay.
Finally, Li Li, who was wearing a tight fishtail skirt and high heels, knelt down nine times and completed the ceremony. A few of our bridesmaids gathered in the wedding room, and Li Li happily complained about the cumbersome wedding ceremony here.
2
Suddenly, the groom entered the room with the groomsmen, and the last groomsman locked the door from the inside when he entered the room.
"Which of you embarrassed us when we kissed?" the bridegroom leaned against the head of the bed, as if looking at us.
"Who dares to embarrass you? I replied, by the way, I took a look inside the house, the groomsmen didn't bring the crowd when they came in, so it's a little better, the groomsmen are all college students, it shouldn't be too much.
As it turned out, I was wrong again. Because I heard one of the best men say, "You guys change your clothes so quickly, really, you don't ask us to change your clothes for you." ”
One of the bridesmaids got angry and said sharply: "You're almost done, we're here for the wedding, not for you to be humiliated......"
As a result, the bridesmaids were pulled down on the bed by one of the best men before they finished speaking, and the best man covered the quilt during the pushing, and some of the other groomsmen drilled into the quilt, and some pressed on the quilt.
The bridesmaids in the quilt screamed, and Li Li was probably as stunned as we were, standing in place.
"Come in too!" one of the groomsmen grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to the bed, then slammed under the covers......
Our cries, Li Li's rebuke, and the groom's rebuke to Li Li were all messy.
After a wave of nausea, I squatted down and almost threw up, pulling my best man before stopping. Seeing me like this, everyone else stopped moving.
The girlfriend on the bed stood up, her hair was unkempt, and the underneath was lifted open, revealing the underwear inside. She tugged at her clothes in a panic and slowly squatted down, sobbing.
"Send us away, my train this afternoon has to go now. I said to Li Li. The groom didn't agree, he said that the wedding was not completely over, and it would be unlucky if we left, and besides, the wedding feast was about to begin.
The resignation in my character, and I didn't want to embarrass Li Li, so I stayed again. At the toast of the feast, the camera turned on us again, and the people at the other tables in the room looked at us, as if we had committed a marriage taboo if we didn't drink the wine.
A few of our bridesmaids looked at each other and took a sip from their glasses.
"How's that going to happen, you've got to drink like this!" the best man from next to me suddenly grabbed my head and poured a glass into my mouth.
Some of the spicy liquor was poured into my nose, and more was sprinkled on my face, neck, and clothes.
I struggled to look up, maybe the wine was too hot and choked, and tears flowed down my face. Thinking that I would let Li Li quarrel with them like this, I hurriedly suppressed my tears guiltily, but Li Li and the groom still quarreled.
I pulled away the newcomers who were going to fight together, but suddenly I heard someone say: "Follow the customs!", "Our customs here are like this!", "To be a bridesmaid is to have the consciousness of a bridesmaid!"
3
In the end, I don't know how the wedding ended, and I don't know how I got home. I just remember that after the endless bumps, it was already night when I got home.
The moment I saw my mother, all the grievances rushed up from the bottom of my heart, and before I could speak, I couldn't hold back my tears, and I truthfully told my mother what happened to me at the wedding.
After listening to my story, my mother seemed to not believe what I said, and confirmed with me again: "Is there a camera?" I don't understand why my mother's focus is here, and she lowers her head, but still softly "um".
"Oh my God, what's going on here?" Mom slammed off the couch, but she still reached out and took me in her arms, but suddenly pushed me away again: "You can't go to school well, what kind of bridesmaid!" Mom pointed at me and scolded.
My reflex arc was a little long, and what my mother said made me stunned on the spot, and then I felt that greater grievances swept over. I cried and said, "Can I be blamed for this?"
"Don't blame anyone!" Mom stood up and wanted to leave, but suddenly sat back on the couch, her hands trying to find something to vent.
Seeing me huddle on the sofa and cry trembling, she hugged me again and cried, crying and saying, "Lose the dead, break your teeth and swallow it in your stomach, what will you do in the future, your life will be ruined." I've worked so hard to raise you so much, am I easy? Why don't you be considerate of me, always make these things......
Sure enough, here it is again!
Ever I was a child, I grew up in my mother's tears.
In my hometown, I have always been "someone else's child". While other peers were beaten around by their parents with feather dusters and slippers, my mother said, "My child is very sensible and never has to be beaten." ”
Yes, my mom never beat me, but as long as I didn't do what she said, she would cry and count me down while telling me about the hardships and credits of her raising me, and all the grievances she suffered in this family.
It is said that when my parents were in free love, my grandmother was resolutely opposed, so she cut all my mother's clothes and threw them into the stinky ditch.
The daughter who doesn't hurt her mother's family, and her mother-in-law doesn't love it, as soon as she enters the door, her grandmother gives her all kinds of faces, and even throws in front of my house!
I didn't witness my parents' vigorous love, but I participated in their messy married life: endless quarrels, fights, blue nose and swollen face, and bleeding heads.
Whenever there was a fierce battle in the family, my mother would hug me and cry and say, "If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your dad a long time ago." "If it weren't for the fear that you would suffer, I wouldn't be so miserable now. "If it weren't for you......"
I'm a drag bottle, I know. I packed up my mother's tears in my heart and hatched them into endless guilt - I squeezed her life dry!
I was frail and sickly since I was a child, and my mother gave me all kinds of strange things to drink in order to cure my illness. I didn't drink it, and my mother told me about what she had suffered since I got sick. I felt guilty, so my mother did what I ate.
I retorted to my mom and said, "You're not my mom." Because of this sentence, she used several family trials. I apologized to her over and over again in front of my relatives and friends, and finally received forgiveness with various assurances.
My high school love was discovered, and my mom cried all night in my bed. She said that I didn't love myself as a girl, that she had raised me for so many years. So I quickly cut off my little boyfriend.
When my grades regressed, my mother would say to me, "What can you do like this, I can count on you!"
I felt sorry for my parents, and even felt that every gray hair on my parents' head was my sin, so much so that I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep all night on the eve of every big exam......
Before I knew it, I was stuck in a cycle of guilt. The more my mother loved me and worried about me, the more stressed I became. Later, I just thought about running away and getting as far away from home as possible. Eventually, with the help of the college entrance examination, I escaped to a university in Guangdong.
From north to south, although my heart was full of apprehension, I was satisfied.
4
Under the pressure of my mother's tears for so many years, I have developed the habit of doing everything without my mother's permission, and I feel that what I do is always unruly and lacking confidence.
Including the matter of being a bridesmaid for my girlfriend, because my mother has enough reason to count me down and use the family trial again.
Several aunts and grandmothers sat side by side on the sofa, asking me over and over again if I had lost my body, persuading me over and over again to tell them the truth about what happened, saying over and over again that I should not dare to say or lie, and finally reprimanded me again and again why I didn't go to school to be a bridesmaid.
At first, I said a word or two, but then I got more and more annoyed, and they said whatever they wanted, just thinking about giving me a hair quickly.
As a result, I pretended that it hadn't happened, and explained that I must not let others know about this disgraceful thing.
Only my aunt was more indignant, she asked my mother to go to the bride's family to ask for an explanation, and threatened to ask for moral compensation, but she was scolded by other aunts and grandmothers.
In the end, my mother, who was worried about this incident, was admitted to the hospital due to difficulty breathing. She has always been in poor health, and in the past year, she was diagnosed with coronary heart disease, and I felt deeply guilty and felt that I was even more sorry for my mother.
I thought about it for a long time, and I felt that being a bridesmaid was because of the agreement between girlfriends, and that we were humiliated by making a bridesmaid, and in this regard, I was not wrong, and it was not me who should be blamed.
But on the side of my relatives, if I was insulted, the whole family was disgraced. Changing their mentality, and even changing the atmosphere here, with my momentary efforts, it is likely that I will end up with my mother getting sick, and then the news of my humiliation will spread throughout the village.
I don't care, but my family may not be able to hold their heads up, and this has become a problem for my mother.
After analyzing this, I called Li Li and asked her about the video taken by the photographer on the wedding day.
"The photographer didn't do anything, he took a really ugly picture of me and my husband, and our faces were distorted. For the first time, I knew that a video could be shot like this garbage, and I didn't see it. Li Li said that she didn't have the courage to watch it herself, and it seems that she would not upload the video footage to the Internet.
The rest of the bridesmaids blocked Li Li after the wedding, and I asked them if they pursued the matter, and they all said that they would forget about it.
As I thought, the ideal outcome would be that we should punish these people, but the reality is that we don't have the time, the energy, the money, or even the support for our families.
Instead of this, it is better to sacrifice myself and fulfill my mother.
So, I went to my mother. Mom must have cried again, and her eyelids were swollen and bright red. There was still a medical tape on her hand after the infusion, and when she raised her hand, the bruises on her hands were faintly visible.
"Mom, I was wrong, don't cry. I said with my head down. I told my mother that the bridesmaid incident was a misunderstanding, and I was not humiliated, but I was angry with the groom, and I felt wronged when I went home, and I didn't explain it clearly to my family, which caused a misunderstanding.
"Aren't you insulted?" said Mom's question, full of anticipation.
I laughed, nodded, and said again, "I was wrong." ”
Yes, that's how my mom and I get along all the time. As usual, she apologized when I asked me to apologize, and I did whatever I was asked to do, but I definitely didn't talk much.
This habit makes me cover up the past very well when I tell this lie.
After listening to my "explanation" and definite answer, my mother slapped me hard, scolded and pushed me, and said, "You turtle Sun Nizi, you have eaten turtles in your mouth, can you lose four taels of meat if you say two more words?
I covered my face and didn't speak, but my heart was a little more relaxed, and my mother looked at me and touched my face in distress and sighed, as if the stone in my heart had finally been put down.
Such an ending finally brought my mother's stop. I know that what mom needs is not the cruel truth, but the "daughter is fine" wrapped in lies. If she wants to believe in a good result, then I will give her a good result.
5
However, when I returned to school, I realized that there was something seriously wrong with my psyche. I started to have insomnia and loss of appetite, and every time I passed the overpass, I wanted to jump from there......
But when I restrained myself from jumping, I began to feel pain again. The pain was tearing me apart. I had to seek help from a psychiatrist, but I was afraid that I would be diagnosed with something.
My change made my roommates realize that something was wrong. At a dormitory meeting, several roommates highly recommended the sand table game in the school's psychology room to me, saying that it was not only free, but also that I didn't have to say anything to the teacher, which was more suitable for people like me.
So, at the end of 2017, after completing a few courses at the end of the semester, I walked into the school counseling room one afternoon with nothing to do.
When I finished the work, the psychology teacher pointed to the sand world that I had fenced off and said, "Look at your world, it's all fenced." ”
In the first few weeks, each session of therapy became an outlet for me, and I cried and built my world with sand. The psychology teacher watched quietly, and from time to time handed me tissues to wipe my tears.
Gradually, under the professional guidance of the sand table game and the psychology teacher, I understood my problem -
My mother is dedicated to my good, but my mother's cognitive limitations lead to her not necessarily being right, but because I was kidnapped by her tears, I have never dared to have any objections since I was a child, and I always sacrificed myself and agreed to my mother with grievance.
All the injuries brought to me by my original family became the last straw that triggered my depression in this bridesmaid incident.
Family, like hair, nails, and skin, is "provided for you" by God. We can't choose our family, but we can choose to take control of our lives.
I can't change my mother, I can change myself!
After the Spring Festival in 2018, when I returned to school, I began to prepare for the postgraduate entrance examination, because the employment rate of my major undergraduate is low, and most of my students will choose to continue their studies. Worried about my family's objections, I "informed" them in a "consultative" way.
When I learned that I was going to graduate school and planned to take the civil service exam, my mother was so excited that she almost jumped on the phone.
There was no suspense that there was a disagreement between us for the Nth time in my life, but this time, I didn't want to surrender as easily as before, even if she used her nirvana - tears!
Because of the distance, my mother couldn't see what I was doing, so I had the courage to resist. In spite of this resistance, I always cowered and was uneasy. But fortunately, I finally took the first step.
I followed the counsellor's advice and did not confront her or cater to her advice. On the phone, she was sometimes seductive, sometimes hateful, sometimes angry, and sometimes grief-stricken.
After hanging up the phone peacefully, I still followed my heart and actively prepared for the graduate school entrance examination.
It was a protracted battle that lasted from my junior year to the first semester of my senior year. Mom didn't expect my will to be so resolute, and it was to no avail that my seven aunts and eight aunts were dispatched to persuade me.
6
During the National Day, when my mother sat on the sofa again, because of the dispute with me for the graduate school entrance examination, and began to talk about the hardships and merits of her raising me again, and the grievances she suffered in this family, and was about to start crying again, I took the first step to shed tears, crying and saying:
"Mom, I know, I've always been a burden to you. If it weren't for me, you'd be better off than you are now. For my sake, you don't divorce your father, and you have been so wronged by yourself. Mom, I remember all this, and I don't dare to forget it......
"I know you're doing it for my good, but you're not necessarily right. What if you're wrong? Mom, you've been thinking about me since I was a child, and this time, let me think about myself and make a decision for myself!
……
I said a lot, and for the first time let my mouth be a transmitter of my heart, and I bravely expressed all my thoughts and thoughts with tears in my eyes.
Mom kept her mouth open in a daze until she heard me finish. Eventually, she opened her mouth, but didn't say anything more, but bent over and entered the room.
I struggled to overcome the self-blame and guilt that was surging in my heart, and I didn't chase after it and apologize......
Later, when I proved my choice with practical actions and succeeded in the postgraduate entrance examination with the first grade in my major, my mother had another capital to "show off", and I was not angry again, and I also fought for the right to choose more for myself.
Having successfully taken the first step, I started to try more:
When I'm at home on vacation, I put a pot of boiled water next to the Houttuynia cordata tea at home.
Houttuynia cordata tea has always been certified by my mother as "water that is good for health and needs to be drunk often", but I still like boiled water, and my mother, who used to force me to drink Houttuynia cordata tea every day, saw boiled water and didn't say much;
In the past, no matter where my mother was, she always saw a piece of clothing that she thought was suitable for me and bought it (including underwear). I didn't like a lot of clothes, and she would cry and scold me if I didn't wear them.
Now, I have clearly learned to say no, and am determined not to wear the inappropriate clothes she bought me against my will. After being tough a few times, my mother finally relented and wouldn't buy me clothes when I wasn't there.
In fact, we have always loved each other deeply. My mother loves me and forcibly gives me what she thinks is good, and she keeps talking about her own merits, probably because she is afraid that I will forget her, and that I will leave her with hard wings when I grow up. She didn't feel safe, so she came and tied me up.
Then I'll give her a sense of security in a different way.
During my graduate studies, I had a boyfriend, and although my mother felt that he had siblings and a heavy burden on the family, I tried to convince him:
Maybe it is because of these brothers and sisters that he will know how to take care of people more, and because of these brothers and sisters, we will not have too much pressure to support the elderly in the future, so that I can give her more attention when my mother is old......
This time, my mother didn't stage another bitter love scene, and didn't tell me with tears, "You have to suffer from marrying such a rural family", and acquiesced in my choice.
Gradually, my mother's mantra changed from the previous "you are going, you must give me ......" to "how can you be like this", then to "the wings are hard, I can't control it", and finally to the current "how you love, no matter how happy you and I are at ease".
Although these words hide a lot of her unwillingness, compared to the previous tear war, my psychological pressure is really much less, because the guilt of going against my mother's wishes is also a lot less.
Recently, I not only managed to convince my mother to allow me to dye my hair, but I also dragged her along and dyed her grape purple, I dyed cold yellow, and we both got eyebrow tattoos together, which I couldn't have even imagined before.
And now, although I don't really say that everything is harmonious, but I have the ability to repair the wounds of my original family, and I believe that this ability can allow me and my mother to be healed in the end.
Author | South Water
Liu Bing told me that before that, she didn't even dare to disobey her mother for such a trivial matter as whether to drink soup or eat first at the dinner table. Such a picture is similar to Zhu Chaoyang's mother forcing him to drink milk.
Fortunately, Liu Bing finally reconciled with himself and his mother through his own methods, and did not go to extremes on the road of self-isolation. Do you also have such pain about the family of origin?