Have you ever experienced a conversation like this:
"If you dare to go today, we'll break up!"
"I've worked so hard, isn't it all for you?"
"You don't help with this, have you taken me as a friend?"
"I put all the hopes of this life on you, how can you bear to let me down?"
"Why are you so selfish? You weren't like this before! ”
In the name of emotion, the reality of manipulation often ends with the recipient's compromise, and this kind of kidnapping in the name of love is "emotional blackmail". It often occurs in various intimate relationships such as lovers, family, friends, etc., and it is precisely because of mutual love that when one party has "emotional blackmail", it is difficult for the other party to refuse even if they don't like it, and it will be very exhausting for a long time.
In life, everyone will face the problem of intimacy, and it is inevitable to encounter emotional blackmailers, I hope we can learn to discern, try to refuse, clear boundaries, have the courage to get rid of the "shackles" of love, and live a better self.
Can you detect emotional blackmail in a relationship?
A reader who works as an editor once shared this story with Night Reading:
I am the editor of a magazine, and this status seems to make some of my relatives and friends feel that it is a particularly easy task for me to write, revise, and publish articles, so I often have the following behaviors: the son of an uncle wants to participate in an essay contest in the city and asks me to "help me take a look"; An aunt's daughter wrote an essay and asked me if I could publish it in a magazine; Even my dad would send me a job pitch from his colleague and ask me to "polish it...... It's really annoying to have too many times, but I don't know how to refuse.
Once my dad asked me to revise the draft of a colleague for him, I really didn't want to change it, so I said can you not come to me as a matter of course as soon as there are these things, but my dad was very angry and counted me down, saying that everyone knows that my daughter is doing this, and they are all relatives and colleagues, can you help if you find it? It doesn't take much time for you to change it, why are you so ignorant? I was really aggrieved when I heard it.
Psychologists define emotional blackmail as using the other person's sense of fear, obligation and guilt to control the other person in order to achieve their own goals. According to this definition, this reader should be "emotionally blackmailed".
There are many similar things in life, and the manifestations of emotional blackmail are also diverse, and the common ones are as follows:
punish
Punishment is one of the more easily identifiable manifestations of emotional blackmail, and sometimes it can be like a threat, such as "if you're not good, we'll break up/break up", "if you dare to step out of this house today, never come back", and so on. Emotional blackmailers will "warn" the other person with a serious consequence that "if you don't do this for me, bad things will happen". In addition to punishing the other person, there is also self-punishment, and sometimes, emotional blackmailers will threaten others with their own happiness and even their own lives to force the other person to comply, for example, "If you don't agree, I will go on a hunger strike."
complaint
Bitter people often have a "victim mentality", repeatedly telling others about their grievances or tragic circumstances, and outputting a lot of negative energy to others, so that the other party feels that they should be satisfied, and when the other party is not satisfied, they may blame the other party in turn. For example, "I'm so miserable, can't you be considerate of me", "If it weren't for you, why would I have had such a hard time", and so on.
tempt
Temptation is often hidden beneath promises and sweet words. Sometimes, emotional blackmailers will make promises that they can't keep in order to alleviate the situation, not because they are really determined to change themselves, but because they are a strategy to control the other person. These promises are often false promises that never come to a day. Over time, when we find that our expectations have been disappointed many times, we realize that we have been emotionally blackmailed.
In life, we will find that even if we know that the other party is emotionally blackmailing us, sometimes it is difficult for us to refuse, not because we are stupid or weak, but because the other party takes advantage of our fear, sense of obligation and guilt, and this "other person" is often the person we love and care, so the other party will say "break up" because they know that we will be afraid; Some selfish demands will be described as our obligations; They will repeatedly emphasize their sacrifices and make us feel guilty.
So, if you've been in a situation where you're emotionally blackmailed but can't get out of it, don't blame yourself too much, precisely because you're a kind and soft person.
But kindness and softness do not mean that we have to accept this unequal relationship, allowing the other party to devalue us, consume our emotions, and blackmail our emotions. Neither should a truly healthy relationship.
Psychologists have also suggested some possible ways to deal with emotional blackmail, such as:
Change your perception. Many times we choose to succumb to emotional blackmail, because we have already decided in our hearts that there is a negative outcome, in fact, we can try to give ourselves some positive psychological cues: "I am strong, I can withstand it." "Changing this negative voice doesn't have to be bad.
Promote a sense of self-worth. People with a low sense of self-worth are more likely to wronged themselves and fulfill others when their requirements conflict with their own feelings. Only when we respect, affirm, and accept ourselves more will we be more determined to defend ourselves in the face of emotional blackmailers.
Express yourself firmly and constantly make your boundaries clear to the other party. Learn to respect your own feelings, uncomfortable is uncomfortable, and blindly forbearance and concession is not only a loss to yourself, but also a huge thunder in the relationship. You can start with some small things, learn to say no, learn to say no, and convey your true feelings to the other party.
Gradually expand your social circle. When there are fewer people around us, we become dependent on them. Stepping out of a single relationship model, we will find that we can have many opportunities to build healthy relationships with others.
A good relationship will nourish people, improve each other in mutual respect, learn from each other, and support each other, and become more confident, better, and more confident, rather than blackmailing and controlling in the name of love. As the saying goes, "Love should make people gentle and courageous, not make people feel aggrieved and compromised from time to time." ”
At all times, we should remember that we are the protagonists of our own lives, and the dominance of emotions should be in our own hands.
May we all be well loved, and in a healthy relationship, be gentle and courageous.
Have you ever perceived "emotional blackmail" in your life?
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This article is reprinted from the WeChat public account of "CCTV News".