In the past few days, I have frequently heard parents say things like this:
When the child encounters a little difficulty, he just stops doing it and plunges into the game;
Looking at the child with a rotten and glassy heart, it is obvious that he is addicted to games and mobile phones, but I have to be cautious and cautious, too humble;
When I encounter a little difficulty, I want to mess up, what can I do to let my child return to self-motivation and overcome his fear of difficulties?
How can I get my child out of the game, the rules can't be set, how can the child not agree, what should I do?
Parents have coexisting with these thorny problems for their children. Every child's situation is somewhat similar and different.
Parents have no way to endure hardships for their children, glass hearts and fears, and even boredom and rottenness, thinking that this child was really not like this before? How did it suddenly become like this?
What I want to say is that no child will go downhill at the top without warning, only to be unaware and unaware of the problem when it sprouts or when a conflict arises.
The presentation, outbreak and development of all problems is a gradual and silent process.
The reason why parents do not find the problem may be because the child is behaving normally, or the parents' focus is on the child's studies and homework and grades. As long as there is no decline in learning, grades have been maintained, and homework can be completed on time, parents will default to their children as positive and striving all the way.
Sometimes I say to my children: going to school and doing homework is too uncomfortable. I'm so tired, so upset, I can't win. Parents don't listen to their children, and they don't realize that their children have emotions in their hearts.
Even if the parents listen to it, they will tell a big truth and enlighten it: how can there be no tiredness in school, and it is normal to be upset. Let's work a little harder, plus you're so smart, you'll definitely win, mom and dad believe in you.
It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with these ways of communicating and responding either. However, these truths will not give children any comfort, but will make them feel more stressed. The reason why I didn't win was because I wasn't smart enough and didn't work hard, but I was already working hard, which can only show that I wasn't as smart as others.
Slowly, the more the child thinks about it, the more he can't accept that he is stupider than others, and he can't accept that he has tried hard and hasn't won, and when he is tired, his ability to act becomes weaker.
As a result, I don't want to learn more and more, I can't win more and more, and I am more and more internal friction and entanglement.
I want to be the king, but I can't stand the pain and pain of the process, and I don't want to use more effort to fill the gap that is not as smart as others.
In addition, I have been well cared for and protected by my parents since I was a child, I don't have to do anything, I don't have to worry about my heart, just do a good job of studying.
However, when learning this only thing worthy of pride and arrogance also became a chicken rib, I began to find a more comfortable and relaxed thing, shrunk up, and the reason given was often that I was too tired and I wanted to rest.
In fact, it's just that the heart is exhausted, all kinds of contradictions, entanglements, doubts, and there is no huge sense of gap for a while.
In other words, when you are used to being praised as "smart, competitive, self-disciplined, and other people's children", and suddenly become an ordinary child, not only the parents can't accept it, but it's the child himself who can't accept it.
Parents talk a lot about the consequences of not studying, not working hard, indulging in games and messing around, but the child goes back and forth with one sentence: I can't do it. I'm so tired, I'm so uncomfortable.
Parents will be more uncomfortable, more painful, unable to accept the best education and the most affectionate companionship that they have given him, but why is the child unhappy?
When my child was in the third year of junior high school, there was a period of time when he doubted himself, although he had a psychological breakdown for several months, his grades did not slip to the bottom, but he was getting farther and farther away from his ideal high school.
I didn't realize that his internal friction accelerated self-denial, in order to get the child back on track, I reasoned with him in various ways, what: you just didn't do well in the exam for the time being, my mother believes that you will definitely be able to do well in the exam next time, where is your strength.
Or indoctrination: It's okay to do well in the exam this time, just do well in the next exam. An exam doesn't mean anything.
These words don't seem to sound wrong, but they ignore one message, and that is the child's emotions.
A truly useful response is to communicate with empathy:
I didn't do well in the exam this time, are you not feeling well? Do you feel that you are very frustrated, and you are worried that you will not be able to get into a good high school? (Stating the facts)
I know you're having a hard time, and I've done your best. (Identify with the child)
I think as long as we work hard, it's enough, as for your worries, it's superfluous, even if you don't do well in the exam, you must be in school, and your mother has prepared all the foundations for you. (Eliminate worries and give a plan)
You just have to do the process well, and you don't regret what you do. (Suggestion)
At that time, I used empathy and empathy to help my child quickly adjust his emotions and collapse a month before the high school entrance examination, and successfully landed in a key high school.
Sometimes, in the face of children's rottenness, they can't endure hardships and fears, and parents are more anxious, anxious than their children, and even have trouble sleeping. Every day, what I think in my head, what I think in my heart, and what I keep an eye on all the time, are all children, comparable to staring at thieves.
This kind of practice magnifies the pain and anxiety of parents, and it will be uncomfortable and devastating. The more you star, the more uncomfortable it becomes, and the more uncomfortable it is, the more involuntarily you stare at it, which becomes a vicious circle.
When children see their parents sad and broken, their inner self-blame and internal friction will be deeper.
At this time, parents may wish to take a step back, don't pay attention to how the child is messy, don't look at him, ignore him, don't stare at the child and play for a few hours, and let the bullet fly first.
Take a step back to calm your emotions, ease your anxiety, and bring your focus back to yourself. It's time to eat, it's time to drink, it's time to sleep, it's time to work, it's time to have fun, and it's time to make your parents as happy as possible.
After parents are happy and happy, they don't talk to their children about learning, talk about interesting things, talk about useless things, go a little bit, talk about feelings, and pay attention to their children's emotions.
In this way, the parent-child relationship has gone from looking good to a heart-to-heart collision, understanding the child, seeing the child, and not only learning this important thing.
At this time, all the children's fears and rottenness began to bottom out.
Parents are happy to be themselves, to make their lives full, in addition to grades and more shining points of their children, at this time they have done nothing to their children, but they have done everything, and they have done nothing.