In the process of daily interpersonal communication, there are often various conflicts and frictions between people, which make you can't help but get angry, such as meeting an arrogant boss, a subordinate who does something wrong, a spouse who goes against your will, being treated unfairly, and so on.
Most people think that getting angry is not good, it not only hurts the body, but also hurts the feelings, and after getting angry, they don't know what the consequences will be, so even if they are angry, they can't bear it. But will holding all your anger in your heart and not saying anything help solve the problem? Maybe I'll get sick again.
The book "Who Says We Can't Be Angry" points out that most people have a misunderstanding about anger, anger is a natural expression of emotion, a requirement for improvement of inappropriate behavior, and a necessary way of communication and exchange between people.
This book explores the root causes of anger, pointing out that it is necessary to be angry when it is time to be angry, but not to get angry casually, but to master the correct anger methods, precautions and skills to deal with anger, so as to achieve good communication in daily work and life, and solve problems more effectively.
The author of this book, Ken Fukuda, is a Japan master of emotional management and the director of the Institute of Eloquence, mainly studying interpersonal relationships and communication styles. He is the author of many works such as "Ninety Percent of Women Will Change Through "Speaking Skills"" and "Clever Listening Skills and Speaking Skills".
Next, let's walk into this book and explore the art of being angry.
Being angry isn't all bad
Be angry when it's time to get angry
Generally speaking, we think that getting angry is a bad habit, and we need to learn to restrain ourselves when we are angry. Because when people are angry, their emotions are often difficult to control, and they may make excessive actions that bring danger. Therefore, everyone thinks that it is better not to be angry.
But the authors point out that there is a misconception about anger.
Anger is an expression of emotion, and the root of anger is the desire to improve the status quo. When something unreasonable or abnormal happens, we get angry and want to change the situation and solve the problem.
For example, there are two persimmon trees in a park that are full of persimmons. There were two old ladies in full view, and they used hooks to hook branches and pick persimmons.
People around me are saying that they can't pick them, that the persimmons are not ripe yet, and that they can't be eaten. The two old ladies ignored it.
At this time, an uncle stepped forward to dissuade him, saying that the skin was too thick, too thick. The two old ladies were busy saying that the skin was not thick, and they could eat it when they took it home and put it for a while. Uncle replied: I'm talking about cheekiness!
Like this uncle, for the inappropriate things that happen, you must say something, do something, express the appeal in your heart, and form the power of change, which is anger.
If you are angry and just endure and don't say anything, your anger will turn into resentment and hatred, and you will become aggressive towards others.
Therefore, being angry is not all bad, but something we should face, and we should still be angry when we should be angry.
So how do we deal with anger?
When you are angry, speak up about things that are inappropriate.
You should usually be clear about the criteria for your anger, what is angry about, is it something that you value and should do, or something that everyone should abide by or should do?
For example, if you take punctuality very seriously, you don't have to be silent about those who can't get to their appointments on time.
With the criteria for anger, we can make decisions about what we should be angry about and what we want to accomplish by being angry.
When you are angry, you should be calm with the other person and show your attitude.
If you are worried that you will ruin your relationships and be isolated by the people around you, then start with some inconsequential little things, such as others making jokes about your name and blood type, making you feel very uncomfortable, and you should express your dissatisfaction to the other person in time.
In short, we need to dispel the misconception of anger.
Anger is an expression of emotion, it is a way of communication in interpersonal communication, the purpose of anger is to improve the current situation and solve problems, what we should avoid is hatred instead of anger.
When not to get angry
When someone else does something inappropriate, the purpose of our anger is to convey our opinion to the other person, otherwise, anger loses its meaning and even becomes a harmful behavior, bringing negative effects.
There was a company leader who vented his anger on his subordinates because he was in a bad mood. This subordinate was inexplicably angry, dared to be angry, and when he returned home, he vented his anger on his son. The son was reprimanded by his father and was also very annoyed, so he kicked his cat hard.
In this way, if you get angry at will because you are dissatisfied, and vent your anger on others, it will only exacerbate the contradictions and conflicts between people. Therefore, get angry when you should be angry and don't be angry when you shouldn't.
Here are 3 situations to avoid getting angry.
First of all, don't get angry when you can't control your emotions.
Anger is a strong emotion, and when you are furious, you may say something hurtful to the other person, and then be counterattacked by the other person, and regret and guilt afterwards.
For the person who is angry, you need to understand the personality of the person, and then stay calm and think about what kind of anger you can use to solve the problem better.
Second, don't get angry because you're willful.
Some people, because things don't go the way you expected, or the other person doesn't react as you expected, will get angry and make things bigger, and we should try to avoid this kind of willful and indulgent anger.
Finally, don't be harsh on the other person.
Some people get angry when things don't go the way they intended, blaming others, only to provoke revolt. The more you accuse, the more he resists and falls into a vicious circle.
When you find that the situation still does not improve after saying many times, you have to reflect on your own anger methods, improve it, and if you are angry and the other person still does not act, then stop getting angry.
In the process of getting angry, it is necessary to convey opinions to the other party and communicate with each other. Avoid getting angry in a state of emotional out-of-control, don't get angry because of willfulness, and don't blame the other party harshly, so as not to communicate poorly.
The right way to express angry emotions
Anger is an emotional manifestation of people, as long as it is a person, it is possible to get angry.
The author said that when we are angry, we need to master the skills of expressing angry emotions, that is, the art of anger, in order to achieve the purpose of communication.
How?
When you are angry, you need to control your emotions and don't suddenly deny the other person.
If the other person does not do what you say, you will be furious and loudly rebuke and deny the other person, which will not gain the respect of the other person and will not help solve the problem.
It's a good idea to make sure he's worked hard, and then point out his problem and ask him to think about what to do next. Such a way of getting angry is beneficial to both parties.
When you're emotional, exhale a little first, then inhale, slow down a beat, calm down, and it's not too late to speak.
When you are angry, try to speak slowly in a normal voice.
When we are usually angry, we will speak louder, and people will be stimulated by our own voice, and their emotions will intensify and even become hysterical.
At this point, if we take a breath and lower the tone of our voice and speak slowly in a normal voice, the mood will calm down.
We should also pay attention to the fact that even if we are angry again, we must not say a word that laughs at the other person's figure, as well as accuses and abuses the weaknesses and things that the other person cares about and is proud of.
The United Kingdom philosopher Bacon said, "No matter how angry you may be, do not do anything irreparable." ”
The author has said something that makes him deeply regretful. Once, when he was in charge of receiving student reports, one student was impatient to wait because of the large queue, and he hated the slow work of the author.
The author got angry and saw that the student was thin and laughed at him like a praying mantis.
The student was enraged and said viciously to the author: "I will never forget you in my life." He was never seen again, and he was deeply stabbed by the author's words.
Anger is to pass on one's opinions and true feelings to the other party, when you are angry, you are really angry, but you must control your emotions, don't get angry in a furious way, don't deny the other party, try to speak in a normal tone, which is conducive to achieving the effect of communication.
Anger is an expression of emotion, and as long as it is human, it will be angry.
People think that being angry is bad, and there is a misconception about being angry because they don't realize that being angry is also a form of communication.
It's certainly not good to simply vent your emotions and indiscriminately abuse you. But not daring to get angry and blindly enduring will only make people resentful and make interpersonal relationships more strained.
Be angry when it's time to get angry. The purpose of anger should be to identify problems, improve the current situation, and convey one's opinion to the other party.
Therefore, we should work the method of getting angry, adopt a way of anger that is beneficial to both parties, so that the other party can understand and accept, transform anger into interaction and communication between both parties, and avoid losing your temper.
In this way, good communication between people can be achieved, and anger becomes valuable.