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On an ordinary day in 2003, Li Ermao heard a prophecy that changed his life. A mysterious figure said to him, "You will depend on women for the rest of your life to survive."
This sentence was like a seed, taking root in Li Ermao's heart, and finally led him to embark on a life path full of twists and turns.
17 years later, in 2020, 41-year-old Li Ermao was lying alone in a simple rental house in Shenzhen, and his life was about to come to an end. Not long ago, he also said to Jia Yuchuan, the director who has been following him for many years: "Brother Jia, today I deliberately dressed up carefully to complete the last performance as a woman."
However, what is embarrassing is that this "transgender person" who has changed his gender twice for love, his biggest wish at the moment is to become a man again.
In 1978, in a remote village in Dazhou, Sichuan, Li Ermao fell to the ground. However, fate did not seem to favor the child from the beginning.
His family was poor, and his brothers and sisters were hungry, which became the deepest memory of his childhood.
Even more unfortunate is Li Ermao's father, a human trafficker. In order to escape justice, the father often did not return home for months. It wasn't until he was 8 years old that Li Ermao learned of a shocking fact: his father was arrested and imprisoned for abducting and trafficking women and children, and was finally sentenced to death.
This cruel truth was like a hammer, completely shattering Li Ermao's last illusion about the family.
After the death of her father, her mother had to remarry someone else. In an instant, Li Ermao became a helpless "orphan". Having lost the protection of his parents, the villagers intensified their bullying of him.
They vented all their anger against their father on this innocent child, speaking ill of him and even punching and kicking him. Li Ermao's childhood was spent in such a shadow, and the wounds in his heart deepened day by day.
In order to survive, Li Ermao, who had just graduated from junior high school at the age of 15, had to follow his cousin and start a career of scavenging. For three years, he was digging through the garbage dump to find recyclables, barely making ends meet.
However, such a life did not extinguish the desire for a better future in his heart. At the age of 18, Li Ermao made up his mind to go to Shenzhen, hoping to create a new world of his own in this city full of opportunities.
After coming to Shenzhen, due to his lack of education and skills, Li Ermao could only engage in heavy manual labor in a factory. Despite the hard work of the day, he still feels a little satisfied, because it is at least much better than scavenging.
However, a twist of fate came quietly on a fortuitous night. Li Ermao followed the workers into an entertainment venue called "Intoxication Bar". He was dazzled by the hustle and bustle of the sight: well-dressed men and women, swaying to the music with wine in hand.
For Li Ermao, who entered such a place for the first time, everything was so new and exciting.
At this moment, several men dressed in fancy clothes and heavy makeup appeared on the stage. They dance beautifully, and their singing voices are moving, even overshadowing many women.
The audience applauded thunderously and threw tips onto the stage.
With curiosity and anticipation, Li Ermao came backstage after the performance. He picked up the makeup and carefully traced it on his face. When he saw his new self in the mirror, he was speechless with astonishment.
At this moment, Li Ermao felt unprecedented confidence. He grabbed a pair of oversized heels, stuffed some rags inside his jacket, and took to the streets. At this time, he was like a peerless beauty, confidently shuttling through the crowd.
This unique outfit quickly caught the attention of the nightclub agent.
In this way, Li Ermao resolutely decided to leave the factory and devote himself to the interpretation of the role of "shemale". In order to increase his popularity, he gave himself the stage name "Milena".
From then on, whenever night fell, he would put on elaborate makeup, put on gorgeous costumes, and perform on stage. Although some people call him a "shemale" and "pervert", he doesn't care.
Because the moment he stood in the spotlight, he felt happiness and freedom like never before. This lonely soul, who was once bullied, has finally found a stage of his own.
With the passage of time, Li Ermao's reputation in nightclubs has become louder and louder, and his income has also risen. At the peak of his career, he easily earned thousands of dollars a month, which at the time was comparable to today's huge wealth.
However, with the growth of income, Li Ermao began to have a strong desire in his heart - he longed to become a real woman in order to win sincere love.
In 2003, in order to pursue his heart's desire, Li Ermao made a bold decision: undergo sex reassignment surgery. However, fate always seems to like to joke with him.
Soon after the operation, he was ruthlessly abandoned, which gave him his first taste of the bitterness of love.
Despite this, Li Ermao did not give up his love for the stage. In 2004, he participated in a unique drag contest held on the top floor of the Chang'an Hotel in Shenzhen.
With a good performance, he finished second and the championship was won by a male player named Mary.
Mary's talent deeply attracted Li Ermao, and the two soon became master and apprentice. Under Mary's guidance, Li Ermao's acting skills have become more and more sophisticated, and his income has also increased.
Soon after, on Mary's recommendation, Li Ermao went to an illegal clinic in Hainan and underwent further sex reassignment surgery.
During the operation, Li Ermao silently endured severe pain, cut off the Adam's apple and implanted a prosthesis. After the operation, he finally succeeded in transforming into a "half woman".
He grew long hair and changed into women's clothes, and once again devoted himself to the stage career in Foshan, Guangdong.
At this moment, the god of fate seemed to smile at him. Li Ermao met an audience member named "Xiao Jiang", and the two quickly fell in love. Xiao Jiang is considerate to Li Ermao, shushing the cold every day and never squandering his money.
This hard-won relationship made Li Ermao cherish it very much.
For the sake of this deep love, Li Ermao decided to give it a go. He wants to earn more money and be well prepared for the upcoming further sex reassignment surgeries.
It was then that opportunity seemed to favor him again. A record company extended an olive branch to him, promising to help him release an album and make him a shining star, and he was sure to have a lot of money in the future.
However, Li Ermao, who is not deeply involved in the world, believes the sweet words of these liars. He put all his life savings into it, taking a gamble. Unexpectedly, it turned out to be an elaborate hoax.
Li Ermao was soon deceived and destitute. Faced with such a predicament, Xiao Jiang was disheartened and chose to leave him.
Losing the company of his lover, Li Ermao fell into deep despair again. He began to drown his sorrows with alcohol, immersed himself in tobacco and alcohol all day long, and was full of confusion and disappointment in life.
Fortunately, the appearance of director Jia Yuchuan gave him a glimmer of hope. Under Jia Yuchuan's patient persuasion, Li Ermao finally regained his confidence and returned to the stage again.
Fate always seems to like to joke with Li Ermao. Just when he was regaining his strength, he got acquainted with Xiaolong, a 16-year-old boy who also had a rough life. The two lonely souls comfort each other and soon develop deep affection.
At night, Li Ermao went out to make a living; During the day, they spend time together in the rental house. However, this hard-won relationship did not last long, and Xiaolong finally chose to leave him.
Two unforgettable love betrayals made Li Ermao's longing for love disappear. He began to hate his identity as "neither male nor female", especially after Xiaolong's departure, this sentiment reached its peak.
"Being a man again" became his last choice. He is determined to regain his male dignity and meet the challenges of life.
Li Ermao's road to gender change is full of longing for love and painful struggles. He hovered on the edge of love and pain, never able to find his true place.
This experience not only made him lose faith in love, but also made him start to question his identity choice. However, it is these ups and downs that have shaped Li Ermao's complex and unique life trajectory.
In 2011, a phone call from his stepfather broke Li Ermao's life in Shenzhen. His stepfather tells him that he needs to return to his hometown to protect the family's homestead from falling into the wrong hands.
With nostalgia for his homeland and expectations for a new life, Li Ermao decided to join hands with Xiaolong on the road back to his hometown.
However, when they arrived at their hometown, the scene in front of them made Li Ermao's heart twist. The once cosy earthen house has collapsed, leaving only a ruin. In desperation, they had no choice but to set up a rudimentary plastic tent on their homestead as a temporary shelter.
Compared with the hardship of the living environment, what makes Li Ermao more sad is the attitude of the villagers. They couldn't accept this "outlier", and pointed at Li Ermao, and from time to time there was a harsh ridicule: "Where did this girl come from?" In the eyes of the villagers, Li Ermao is a terrible monster, and they firmly believe that all this is because of the retribution caused by Li Ermao's father's crimes.
Not only that, Li Ermao's homestead was also illegally occupied by those greedy villagers. Faced with such a predicament, he could only embark on the road back to Shenzhen again, hoping to return to his old business.
However, the pace of the times never stops, and the cross-dressing performances he was once familiar with have gradually been eliminated by society.
In 2017, Li Ermao made up his mind to regain his male identity. He wrapped himself tightly in a heavy corset, cutting the long, once flowing hair short.
He walked into the factory again and began the familiar assembly line work. In order to disguise his "intersex" status, he never changed his clothes in public and avoided bathing with others.
However, no matter how careful he was, the workers eventually discovered his secret. Once they rudely ripped off Li Ermao's clothes and exposed his fake breasts.
Immediately afterwards, the violence of fists and kicks followed, and Li Ermao was mercilessly beaten.
In desperation, he could only call Jia Yuchuan and beg for his help. He hoped to be able to completely remove the pair of prosthetic breasts that had caused him endless pain, and be a complete man again.
When Jia Yuchuan learned of this, he immediately contacted a clinic for Li Ermao. However, just as he had just completed his physical examination, there was bad news from the hospital: Li Ermao was diagnosed with AIDS and could not undergo surgery.
This news was like a thunderbolt from the sky, completely crushing Li Ermao. He sat quietly in the cab and fell into deep thought. Years of identity struggles, social exclusion and discrimination, and now the torment of illness all weigh on his shoulders like a mountain.
Li Ermao's soul doesn't seem to have a place to stay. He was neither accepted by his hometown nor able to find a place of belonging in the city. Whether as a man or a woman, society has given him a different perspective.
This soul, which was once constantly changing in search of itself, eventually found that he still had nowhere to put it.
The weight of life, the troubles of identity, and the torture of illness are like an invisible mountain, which makes Li Ermao breathless. Li Ermao, who used to have the courage to change in pursuit of himself, has now completely lost confidence in life and fell into deep despair.
In the last call with director Jia Yuchuan, Li Ermao's voice revealed a hint of relief and relief: "Brother Jia, thank you for your long-term care and support for me.
Today I deliberately dressed up to finish the last show as a woman. As soon as the words fell, Li Ermao was like evaporating from the world, and he could no longer be contacted.
Jia Yuchuan was uneasy, and called again and again, but no one answered. However, no one would have thought that at this time, Li Ermao was lying on the operating table of an unlicensed hospital, undergoing a dangerous breast plastic surgery.
This may be his last struggle, to redefine his identity.
Once again, however, fate played a merciless trick on him. The operation was extremely difficult, and unfortunately the infection was complicated after the operation. In the end, 41-year-old Li Ermao quietly left this world in a cramped and simple rental house.
At the last moment of his life, Li Ermao's heart was full of contradictions and regrets. He had changed his gender twice for love, but at the end of his life, he hoped to be able to change back into a man.
This unfulfilled wish became a regret that he brought into another world.
Li Ermao's life is like a tragic variation. He constantly wanders between male and female identity, trying to find his true self. However, no matter how he changes, he will never be able to gain social recognition and inner peace.
His departure is not only the loss of an individual life, but also a silent indictment of the inclusiveness of the world.
Li Ermao's story is like a mirror, reflecting society's attitudes and prejudices towards the "transgender" community. His life is like a tragic variation, constantly experiencing trials and frustrations in the search for self and social identity.
As director Jia Yuchuan said: "The value of life does not lie in its length, but in whether the individual always sticks to his or her own heart." Although Li Ermao's life is full of ups and downs, he has always bravely pursued his inner voice, and this courage and persistence may be the true value of his life.
His story reminds us that we should approach those who are "different" with a more inclusive and understanding mindset. Everyone has their own struggles and pursuits, and we should not impose our own standards on others.
Li Ermao's life course has taught us a profound lesson about respect, understanding and tolerance.
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