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According to the survey, the average number of requests a person makes to others per day is 22 times.
"Can we have dinner together?"
"Can the meeting start time be changed to 1 o'clock?"
"Please help me get reimbursed for this invoice."
"Please complete this document within today."
…………
When you make a request to someone, you may get a "yes" or "no" answer.
And at critical moments in life, we also have to make requests to others.
"Please go on a date with me."
"Your company is my first choice (please hire me)."
"Please sign the contract."
"Please marry me."
…………
At such a critical time, most people still say their thoughts without choice of language, and the result is a success or failure, and it is left to fate.
Since it is such an important request, it is necessary not to completely depend on the mood of the other party, but to change the way you make the request to increase the probability of getting a "yes" answer.
Language has the power to reverse a dilemma.
We've been rejected countless times, so let's try to turn "No" into "Yes" now.
Today's article is an excerpt from "Precise Expression: Capturing the Essence of Language and Words", which aims not only to make you eloquent, but to put in your hands the golden keys that will move your life forward and realize your dreams.
3 steps to turn "No" into "Yes".
If you want to change the answer from "No" to "Yes" when making a request to someone, there are only 3 simple steps.
There is no guarantee that the result will be "yes" every time, but no matter what kind of request, if you follow these three steps, you will be able to increase the likelihood of getting a "yes" answer.
These methods can be learned and used now, so let's try them.
Step 1: Don't speak your mind directly
We've always been accustomed to speaking directly from our heads. Expressing one's thoughts directly can sometimes get good results, but sometimes it will be rejected. If, after consideration, you feel that it works best by saying it directly, then it doesn't hurt to say it directly.
However, if you say it directly, it's no different from gambling. Especially at critical moments that have the potential to affect your life, would you be willing to make a decision by spinning the wheel? If the probability of success is 50%, you definitely want to improve it as much as possible, right? Language does just that.
If you want to get out of the dilemma of repeated rejections and change "No" to "Yes", you need to abandon the old ways.
The first step is not to say what you think.
Step 2: Imagine the psychology of the other person
When making a request to someone, bear with it for a while and don't say it directly.
Imagine what the other person thinks about their request, and what they often think. (Keep this in mind, more on that below)
Let's say you want to date someone. You can imagine what will be going on in the other person's mind after you make this request.
If the other person is likely to answer "yes", then you can just ask it.
But if you have a hunch that the other person might answer "no", then you are likely to be rejected if you ask them directly. Here, I'm going to teach you a little trick.
You might as well put aside your request and think back to the basic information you know about the other person – what does the other person usually like? Hate what? How is the personality......
Suppose the other person "likes new things" and "likes to eat Italy food".
Step 3: Design a request that is in the interest of the other party
Design your lines according to the psychology of the other person.
The key is to design according to the other party's ideas.
That is, consciously ask the other person to say "yes". As a result, as long as your request can be fulfilled.
If the other person "likes new things" and "likes to eat Italy food", you can design lines that meet both conditions.
"There's a restaurant that has Italy that's so delicious, would you like to try it?"
For the other party, it can be said that it is in the middle of the hand. So, the answer "yes" is much more likely.
In fact, there is a subtext implied in this sentence:
"There's a restaurant that has particularly good pasta in Italy, would you like to try it (with me)?"
Your purpose is to want to date the other person, but the other person may not want to. So, don't talk about dating, but put it another way. As a result, isn't going to a restaurant to eat Italy together equivalent to dating?
This is the method of "designing a request that is in the interest of the other party".
By following these 3 steps to design your lines, and then encountering most of the cases that were rejected in the past, you can turn "No" into "Yes" and fulfill your wishes that were not fulfilled before.
7 entry points for "No" to become "Yes".
You probably already know how to do it in 3 steps.
Especially at the beginning, I recommend taking your time step by step.
It's like cooking for the first time, if you just mess around with your feelings, it's easy to mess up. It's the same with talking, if you talk as you like, you will become four dislikes. So, before mastering it, it should still be done in order. Even if it's just a serving of fried rice, it's divided into 10 steps. And we only have 3 steps, and we will be able to master it in no time. However, before you become proficient, you must consciously follow the 3 steps.
Regarding step 2, "imagine the psychology of the other party", there are actually many clever entry points. We just have to choose the one that will impress the other person the most.
Let's learn from specific examples.
Entry point 1: The other person's favorite thing
Of all the techniques for turning "No" into "Yes", this entry point is the most effective.
Instead of making your own request directly, you design your lines based on "what the other person likes", so that it becomes in the other person's interest. Increase the likelihood of getting a "yes" answer by changing the wording.
Suppose you want to date someone who is not interested in you. How do you speak?
"Please go on a date with me."
→ is only in your interest.
"There's a restaurant that has Italy that's so delicious, would you like to try it?"
→ design lines based on what the other person likes, so that it becomes in the other person's interest.
Both of these statements are actually the same request, but if you master the request technique, you can greatly increase the likelihood of turning "No" into "Yes".
Let's look at a few more specific examples.
Once, I was running a business outside and wanted to grab a bite to eat when it was time for lunch. Then I saw a fast-food restaurant on the side of the road, so I walked in quickly and ordered a fish burger. However, I noticed that the fish burger seemed to have to wait a long time, so I decided to leave the fast food restaurant.
At this time, the clerk said this to me:
"We're preparing a freshly grilled fish burger for you, can you wait 4 minutes?"
Hearing this, I decided to stay and wait. I thought to myself, "The freshly grilled fish burger is fresh and delicious, so let's wait a minute." ”
Actually, if you think about it, since I was asked to wait, of course it was freshly baked. The clerk's words caught the entry point (1) "what the other party likes", so I was impressed.
But if he just said from the store's standpoint, then I'd definitely leave the fast food restaurant. Because I was in a hurry at the time.
Actually, I was asked to wait 4 minutes in either case, and the same fish burger was served at the end, but instead of making a direct request, he started with "what the other person likes" and finally succeeded in turning "No" into "Yes".
Here's another example.
Sometimes, it only takes one sentence to turn "irritability" into "comfort".
Once, I went on a business trip to Hong Kong. The flight was full, and most of the passengers were business people on business. When the plane arrived at the airport, the cabin was filled with an atmosphere of fidgetiness.
At this time, this sentence came from the cabin radio:
"Passengers in the back, there is still a little time before you get off the plane, please pack your belongings slowly."
I think that's a pretty clever statement.
Getting off the plane is a hassle, and you have to wait for the passengers in front of you to remove their luggage one by one before you can follow along. Moreover, the passage is narrow, and it is very unpleasant to walk and stop.
"Well, this time it must be the case again." I was feeling irritated when this phrase came over the cabin radio: "Please pack your belongings slowly." When a hurried business person hears this, he or she feels like a breeze.
And the radio heard before said this:
"Passengers in the back, please wait patiently in your seat and wait for the passengers in front of you to leave."
This is the way to request directly. As soon as the plane lands, passengers want to get off the plane as soon as possible, which is human nature. At this time, if you hear the broadcast and ask yourself to "please be patient", although you have no choice but to do it, you will inevitably have a bad impression of "poor service".
Actually, the meaning of both statements is the same - "It will take a little time to get off the plane, please bear with me." However, if you hear "Please take your time to pack your belongings," you will find that the service of the flight attendants is very considerate. This expression is in the interest of the other party.
Normally, as soon as the plane came to a stop, I would immediately get up and go to get my luggage. But after hearing the announcement this time, I didn't rush to check what I was carrying. As I think about it, when I get off the plane in a hurry, I always worry that I forgot something. This time, there was a sense of security.
By the time I straightened my collar, the passengers in the aisle had already started moving forward.
Entry point 2: Avoid nasty things
On the other hand, it is also possible to design lines based on things that the other person hates. The starting point is: "Since you hate this, don't choose this." "When applied correctly, this approach can also have significant results.
The lawn is always trampled on, which is really troublesome. If you want to make a sign to remind people, how do you write it so that people don't enter the lawn?
"Don't go on the lawn!"
→ is only in your interest.
"When you go into the lawn, you get the smell of pesticides."
→ design lines based on something the other person hates, and it becomes in the other person's interest to accept your request (without going into the lawn).
If it says "Do not enter the lawn", people will still enter the lawn. So, don't just ask for it, but use the psychology of "avoiding nasty things" to design your lines.
I once heard Mr. Toshiyuki Konishi, a veteran advertising copywriter, tell such an interesting story.
In one area, there were frequent incidents of hooligans harassing women, so local residents put up a sign that read: But with little success. Later, the text on the sign was changed, and the harassment disappeared.
Guess what is written on it?
"With the joint assistance of the residents, the hooligans were finally caught. Thank you. ”
The same request will have different effects depending on the way the expression is changed.
Entry point 3: Freedom of choice
This is an application technique that takes advantage of "what the other person likes". Give the other person a list of two or more things they like, so that they can actively choose them.
There is freedom of choice, which in itself takes into account the interests of the other party.
When people want to say "yes", they have to make a "decision" first. Since you have to make a decision, you will naturally be very cautious. Sometimes, even if it is in your own interest, you don't want to say "yes" easily.
People are not good at making "decisions", but they are good at "comparing two options" and can easily say things like "this is better than that". Although the act of comparison itself is not the same as making a decision, when you say, "This is better than that," the illusion that a decision has already been made arises in your mind – and we can use this psychology to start with "freedom of choice."
Suppose you want to date someone who is not interested in you. How do you speak?
"Please go on a date with me."
→ is only in your interest. The other party had to make a "decision".
"There is one restaurant that has particularly good Italy pasta, and another that is also good for stone pot bread, which one do you want to go to?"
→ it's easy for the other person to make a "comparison" and choose one or the other. You provide the other person with the things she likes, and you also provide the freedom to choose, which can be said to be in the dual interests of the other person.
By providing freedom of choice, the likelihood that the other party will accept the request can be increased. Whichever one the other person chooses, it means agreeing to date you. It doesn't matter which one you choose, because your goal is to date her.
This technique can also be used in many situations outside of dating, such as business.
Whenever I want to explain a creative solution to a client, even if I have an ideal solution in mind, I offer multiple solutions.
Rather than saying, "What do you think of this solution?" ”
It's better to say, "Plan A or Plan B, which do you think is better?" ”
This makes it easier for the other party to make a decision. Because people have an instinct to choose.
When I offer two options, they can compare: "Is it better to meet our goals than plan A?" "It's just a comparison, but you have the illusion that you've made a decision.
My goal is to sign up with a client. As for whether he chooses plan A or plan B, it doesn't matter.
Entry point 4: The desire for recognition
When the other person "wants to be recognized by others" or "wants to express himself well", this entry point can have a significant effect.
In fact, everyone has an instinct to be recognized by others. For example, a baby may have just learned to stand up and hear an adult compliment, "You're awesome!" He would smile and try to stand up again and again. Human beings are imprinted in their DNA with the "desire for recognition", and in order to satisfy this desire, they are even willing to do some troublesome things.
This desire is shared by everyone, regardless of age or gender. When you want to ask someone to do something troublesome, you can use this as an entry point.
When you want to ask a colleague to work overtime, how do you say so that the other party will readily agree?
"Could you please work overtime?"
→ is only in your interest.
"The plan you wrote is very infectious, can you please write it?"
→ first say a word of praise to the other party, and the other party will be willing to do it without being troublesome.
In fact, it is often troublesome to ask others to do it. If there is a subordinate relationship between each other, the boss arranges work for the subordinate, and the subordinate has to do it even if he does not use this expression skill. However, if you can take advantage of the other party's "desire for recognition" and increase the motivation of the other party, you will definitely be able to produce high-quality results in the end.
Here's another example.
I have a good friend named Daisuke Shikaku, and I went to the university with him to give a somewhat special lecture. The topic of the lecture was "What can we do to make the world a better place?" 》。
When I first started talking, something unexpected happened.
One student shouted, "The volunteers are putting on a show!" There was silence. There are also several students, although they did not say it, but they are also entangled in their hearts and do not approve of volunteer activities.
I was speechless for a moment. At this time, Mr. Four Corners spoke:
"Every time artists and celebrities participate in public welfare activities such as volunteers, they will be criticized as putting on a show. For these boos, in fact, completely ignore them. Even if someone says you're putting on a show, the event itself is meaningful. People who are willing to act are more valuable than those who do nothing. And small actions can add up to make the world a better place. ”
Mr. Four's words not only solved the students' doubts, but also satisfied their "desire for recognition".
If I directly call on people to participate in volunteer activities, students will be reluctant to participate, and some students will even get bored and stop attending lectures. After listening to Mr. Four Corner's words, the students took the lead because their hearts were touched. As for the student who shouted that "volunteers are putting on a show", he also went to volunteer activities, and he was more active than anyone else.
Entry point 5: Only for you
If the other person is a "lonely-feared" or "narcissistic" person, this entry point can have a significant effect.
In fact, no matter who you are, you like to hear others say to yourself, "Only for you". Moreover, the more those who are willing to shell out hundreds of thousands for a vase, the more they like to hear this sentence (hehe). Follow your conscience when using this entry point.
Ironically, this "just for you" technique is often used when you make a request to a lot of people.
You have to invite the local population to a meeting of the self-government council – the kind of meeting that no one usually wants to attend.
"Please come to the meeting of the residents' self-government association."
→ is only in your interest.
"It doesn't matter if others don't come, Mr. Qi, you must come."
→ deliberately say the other person's name, so that the other party feels that "he is an indispensable person", and satisfies his psychological needs, so as to become in line with the interests of the other party.
There is a Viet Nam restaurant that is doing very good business. Even though it's far from the city and you have to take a car to get there, there are still a lot of customers, and even a taxi is all the way from far away. On the recommendation of a friend, I also decided to give it a try.
On that day, the small store was usually packed. After tasting it, I think it tastes really good, but not to the point of being amazing. So, what is the secret of this Viet Nam restaurant being so popular?
After the meal, the owner came up to me and said:
"Welcoming you for the first time, we've got a special dessert for you – it's a precious fruit, and there's only the last one left in the shop."
Then he brought a fruit platter that I hadn't seen much and felt expensive and set it on the table.
I was very impressed. The set meal I ordered was originally only accompanied by a pineapple fruit plate, but the owner prepared a special dessert for me. The owner has put the "only to you" technique to good use. From that moment on, I became a big fan of this Viet Nam restaurant.
The story isn't over yet. Just as I was very moved to taste the fruit, I suddenly saw an equally special dessert on the table next door.
Hey, didn't you just say that there was only one one left? I thought it was strange, so I glanced into the kitchen as I left the restaurant. At this point, I couldn't help but be dumbfounded - the so-called "only one last" precious fruit was piled up in the kitchen.
It turned out that the owner of this thriving restaurant used the "only you" technique to all customers.
Entry point 6: teamwork
This can be a significant entry point when the other person is "afraid of trouble" or "doesn't feel the need to do it".
Don't blame the other person for the whole thing, but say to the other person, "Let's do it together." "Team yourself and each other. In this way, what you didn't want to do alone will become willing to do it.
Human beings are inherently animals that value communication with each other and like to act in groups. When you see someone else doing something, you will be eager to try it.
For example, sometimes I don't really want to go to the toilet by myself, but if a partner suggests it, I may gladly go.
I don't want to run a red light when crossing the street alone, but if someone persuades you to do so, you may go along.
Your child doesn't like to learn, so how can you make him or her learn obediently?
"Go study!"
→ is only in your interest.
"Let's learn together!"
→Although studying can be a hassle, if you have someone to study together, you can increase your motivation.
This can be a useful method for parents with children. You should know this very well, no matter how much you urge your child to "go and learn", he will not listen to you. Children are straightforward by nature, and what they don't like is not willing to do it. Many parents are bothered by this.
In that case, consider using expressions that will increase your child's motivation. This is a very magical phrase that can make children sit down and learn:
"Let's learn together!"
This is actually the way to request using the "team" entry point.
Usually, no matter how much you urge your child to "go to study", he will not go to study obediently, and even if he returns to his room, he may be secretly reading comics.
A friend of mine once broke his brain because his child refused to learn, and no matter how much he urged him to "go to study", it didn't improve. Later, he said to the child, "Let's study together!" Then, while the child studies in the living room, he picks up a book he likes and starts reading. Unexpectedly, the child has been studying quietly all the time.
People have an instinct to act with others. This is the wisdom of mankind that has been inherited from ancient times to the present day. When someone goes out hunting, others will help; When someone goes out to pick fruit, others will act together to prevent an attack from outside enemies. Such memories have been deeply imprinted in our hearts.
Of course, there is a premise to the "teamwork" technique – you have to act on your own. The so-called "action" is actually just a matter of sitting at the desk with the child and doing what you like seriously.
Let me give you a further example.
Once, I went to listen to a lecture by Mr. Naoyuki Honda, and I was deeply struck by his way of capturing the psychology of the audience.
No matter what the speech is, there will always be people in the audience who are listening carefully and some people who are not. Especially the listeners sitting in the back row, often absent-minded, and some even dozed off.
At the beginning of his speech, Mr. Honda suddenly asked several questions one after another.
"Do any of you feel that you are afraid of trouble?"
"Is there anyone here who hates riding a full train?"
"Is there anyone here who doesn't like to work at a fixed desk?"
When these questions were heard, there was a slight noise in the room, and almost all the audience raised their hands. In fact, these questions are meant to resonate with most people.
Mr. Honda then said:
"I'm just like everyone else."
When I heard that Mr. Honda, a successful person, had the same idea as himself, the whole venue entered a state of mild excitement. Mr. Honda's speech was certainly wonderful, but it was also important that he got the message out there at the outset – making the audience feel like they were with Mr. Honda. In this atmosphere, the speech is no longer a one-man show by Mr. Honda, but by Mr. Honda and the audience.
The atmosphere of the whole presentation was very lively, and 90 minutes passed in a blink of an eye. Personally, I feel like it's only 20 minutes.
If you just say "please listen to me" at the beginning, then I'm afraid that another audience member will doze off. Mr. Honda used his opening remarks to convey the subtext of "Please come with me to complete the speech", which touched the hearts of the audience.
Entry point 7: Thanks
This is the final move. When other entry points are not used, this last resort can only be used.
In fact, "gratitude" can also be said to be the basis for interpersonal interactions. Since ancient times, people have used this method of "thanksgiving" when asking for help. The harvest festival in the agricultural civilization of the world is to express gratitude to the heavens and pray for a good harvest in the coming year.
People have known since ancient times that once you say "thank you" to the other person, it is difficult for the other person to refuse.
You have a difficult invoice to reimburse, so how do you ask the finance staff?
"Please help me get reimbursed for this invoice."
→ is only in your interest.
"Thank you, Sister Zhang, can I trouble you to reimburse this invoice?"
→ express gratitude first, and it will be difficult for the other party to refuse.
I don't know when the sign in the toilet of the convenience store has changed its word. It used to be written like this:
"Please keep it clean when using the restroom."
However, it is only in the interests of convenience store operators to write it this way. It is estimated that some people comply, and some people turn a blind eye. Now, the text on the sign has been changed to look like this:
"Thank you for keeping the restroom clean when you use it."
Say thank you first, and it will be difficult for the other person to refuse your request.
By the time you read this, you probably have already realized that if you want to change "No" to "Yes", the answer is not in your own heart, but in the other person's heart.
"Request" is not something you talk about, but something you realize with the other party. It's you and the other person who work together to achieve a win-win situation.
If you can put this skill into practice, you may be able to change your future – job hunting, job hopping, applying to study abroad, finding a partner...... However, it's important to remember that this technique is not meant to teach you how to win easily in life. If you misunderstand its meaning, it will be invalid in an instant. This technique teaches you how to imagine the psychology of the other person – in other words, how to express your love for the other person.
After reading this book, perhaps you will soon come across the opportunity to make a request to someone else.
When the time comes, try out the 3 steps and 7 entry points you have learned to achieve your desires that you haven't achieved before.
Keichi Sasaki, the author of "Precise Expression: Capturing the Essence of Language and Words", is a "provincial brother", because he is not good at communication and expression, and always tries to weaken his sense of existence. That's how he became a famous communication expert, advertising genius, and plan writing master. In this book, the author reveals his own magical experience and the strongest linguistic skills he has discovered.
Click the link to buy this book: "Precise Expression: Grasping the Essence of Language and Writing" ([Japanese], Keiichi Sasaki) [Abstract Book Review Sample] - JD Books