1. Why do most of us fear the breakdown of our relationship?
In the journey of life, we have developed relationships with all kinds of people, and yet, many of us are terrified when faced with the breakdown of our relationships. So why should we fear the breakdown of our relationship?
There can be a variety of reasons why people are afraid of a relationship breakdown, and here are some common ones:
1. Fear of loss: Once you are in a relationship with someone, you invest emotionally, time, and energy.
When a relationship breaks down, it means that there may be a loss of those inputs, as well as the companionship, support, and joy that you once had.
is like Eason Chan singing in the song: "Why can't old confidants become old friends in the end." The stranger in the coming year is yesterday's dearest so-and-so. When feelings disappear, it is very light, and when the wind blows, it disperses, and this sense of loss can make people feel uneasy and frightened.
For example, friends who used to be very good may feel lost and sad as time goes on or changes in life circumstances, and their contact with each other gradually decreases.
2. Correlation of self-worth: Some people associate their sense of worth with relationships with others, believing that a broken relationship means they are not good enough or unworthy of love.
For example, in a relationship, if the other person proposes to break up, it may make people doubt their charm and worth.
3. Habits and comfort zones: People often get used to existing relationship patterns and life situations. Relationship breakdown means stepping out of your comfort zone and adjusting to new relationships and lifestyles, and this uncertainty can bring anxiety and fear.
For example, in a long-term and stable work team, you have established a tacit relationship with your colleagues, but if you want to leave the team for some reason, you need to readjust to the new working environment and colleague relationships.
4. Social pressure: There may be a certain expectation of relationships in the social culture that believes that having a good, stable relationship is one of the signs of success and happiness. Worrying about a relationship breakdown may be to avoid evaluation or pressure from others.
For example, if someone around you thinks a friend is your "iron buddy", but there is a rift between you, you may try to maintain the relationship so as not to surprise or disappoint others.
5. Lack of self-confidence and security: Lack of confidence in yourself, or not building up enough security as you grow up, may be more afraid of changes and breakdowns in relationships.
For example, a person who has been introverted and lacks self-confidence since childhood may be overly concerned about what others think in interpersonal interactions, worrying that their words and actions will lead to a breakdown in the relationship.
As the writer Adler put it, "Living in fear of a relationship breakdown is an unfree way of life to live for the sake of others." ”
For example, in the TV series "Little Huanxi", Song Qian's love for her daughter Yingzi can be said to be meticulous, but this love has gradually evolved into an excessive control.
In order not to make her mother sad, Yingzi has been suppressing her thoughts and feelings and trying to meet her mother's expectations. She was afraid that her relationship with her mother would break down, and she did not dare to express her true needs and thoughts, which led to great pain in her heart.
For another example, in order to maintain a good relationship with their colleagues at work, some people dare not refuse some unreasonable requests from their colleagues, and always force themselves to do it. But this kind of flattery did not earn the respect and gratitude of the other party, but made me more and more tired.
However, we should also recognize that not all relationships last long, and that a breakdown of a relationship does not necessarily mean the end of the world.
The ancients said: "Life is too short, why worry too much." We need to learn to accept the natural changes in relationships, and not to be too persistent and reluctant in those relationships that have become irretrievable or inappropriate.
When experiencing a relationship breakdown, calmly analyzing the reasons and learning from them can help us better understand ourselves and others, so that we can grow and improve. At the same time, believe in your own ability to build new, healthier relationships.
2. Positive interpretation of relationship breakdown
However, relationship breakdown is not necessarily entirely negative, and it can also have some positive interpretations:
1. Provide opportunities for growth and self-reflection: The end of every relationship can prompt us to reflect on our own behaviors, attitudes, and needs in it. For example, a failed relationship may make people aware of their shortcomings in communication, emotional management, or personal independence, so that they can improve and grow in a targeted manner.
It's like a young person who, after experiencing multiple relationship breakdowns, begins to reflect on how self-centered they are with their partner. Through self-reflection, he gradually learned to listen to and understand the other person's point of view, which made him more mature and considerate in subsequent relationships.
As Socrates said, "An unreflected life is not worth living." ”
2. End unhealthy or inappropriate relationships: Sometimes, the breakdown of a relationship is a relief that allows us to move away from relationships that drain our energy, cause pain, or hinder personal development.
For example, if a person has been in a long-term friendship full of arguments and hurting each other, the end of the relationship may be a relief and give him more time and energy to develop positive and healthy relationships.
The Indian poet Rabindranath Tagore once said, "If you weep because you lose the sun, you will also lose the stars." "By letting go of inappropriate relationships, we can make room for more suitable people or things.
3. Prompt a re-examination of our needs and values: A change in our relationship may cause us to rethink what we really want and what values are most important to us. Through this kind of scrutiny, we can be more clear about our own direction in life.
For example, someone has irreconcilable disagreements with partners at work, leading to the breakdown of the partnership. This prompted him to think deeply about his career goals and values, and finally decided to leave his original industry to pursue a career that was more in line with his heart's pursuit, thus gaining a greater sense of satisfaction and achievement.
4. Enhance mental resilience: Going through and coming out of a relationship breakdown can make us stronger on the inside. We learn to face setbacks and pain, and improve our ability to cope with difficulties. As Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger." ”
For example, a woman who has experienced the breakdown of her marriage, after the initial pain, struggles to adjust her mindset and re-engage in life and work. She gradually became more independent and confident, and was better able to cope with various challenges in life.
It is important to note that while relationship breakdown can be read in a positive light, it does not mean that the pain and loss involved should be ignored or trivialized. When facing a relationship breakdown, it is important to allow yourself to feel emotions such as pain and sadness. At the same time, by thinking and acting positively, we can better learn from them and achieve personal growth and progress.
3. Inappropriate relationships should be discarded
An ill-fitting relationship is like a pair of shoes that don't fit, and wearing it will only make you feel miserable and uncomfortable, hindering your pace of progress. Throwing away inappropriate relationships is a kind of respect and protection for oneself, and it is also to make room for more suitable relationships.
First, an inappropriate relationship can cause you constant pain and drain. For example, if you are with a friend who often belittles you and ignores your needs, you may gradually lose self-confidence and become emotionally depressed. This relationship does not bring you positive influence and support, but instead fills your life with negative emotions.
As Liu Yu said: "If a person needs you to put a lot of energy to stay, it is already destined not to be able to accompany you to the end." "In a relationship, if your sincere efforts are not responded to and understood by the other party, or even used or hurt by the other party, then such a relationship is unhealthy, and continuing to maintain it will only make you more tired and painful.
Second, an inappropriate relationship may limit your personal growth and development. For example, you have a very controlling partner who is always trying to stop you from pursuing your dreams and interests, which can prevent you from reaching your full potential and becoming the person you really want to be.
After Mo Yan won the Nobel Prize in Literature, his relatives in his hometown were very red when they heard about his achievements, some were jealous of him, slandered him, and some tried to touch his light. At the beginning, in order to maintain the relationship, Mo Yan always forced himself to help if he could, and he would respond if he could. But such a low profile, not only did not get anything in return, but in exchange for intensified demand.
In desperation, Mo Yan had no choice but to let the relationship break down, he no longer responded to their needs, and even directly blocked a lot of relationships. Surprisingly, when he was away from these relatives, his life did not have any negative impact, but he lived more comfortably.
Also, an inappropriate relationship can make you lose yourself. You may constantly change yourself in order to fit in with the other person, ignoring your own feelings and needs. In the long run, you will become more and more unhappy, and even forget your original intention and value.
For example, in a relationship, in order to meet the expectations of the other person, you constantly suppress your personality and interests, and become less and less like yourself. And a truly healthy relationship is one that allows you to maintain yourself while also appreciating and accepting each other.
As Bi Shumin said: "Friendship is sometimes so fragile that a casual word can collapse the edifice in an instant." "When there are irreconcilable contradictions or serious conflicts of values in a relationship, continuing to barely maintain them will not change the status quo, but may exacerbate the contradictions.
In short, an inappropriate relationship should be discarded, which is not a sign of ruthlessness or indifference, but a responsibility and choice for one's own life. By letting go of the wrong relationships, you can have more time and energy to manage the relationships that will truly bring you happiness and growth.
As Jia Pingwa said: "It's actually a good thing to be separated from friends." "Because a lot of relationships are reluctant to get along, it will only make each other tired, and then friendship will gradually become a burden. When you stop trying to keep in touch, but allow the relationship to fade naturally, it is the best thing for each other.
Life is short, and we should focus our time and energy on relationships that make us feel happy, supported, and growing. For inappropriate relationships, be brave enough to let go and find happiness and beauty that truly belong to you.
Here are some book recommendations on dealing with relationship breakdowns:
1. "The Psychology of Breakup": From the perspective of psychology and brain science, this book provides readers with coping methods after the breakup of a relationship, such as breakup, cheating, domestic violence, and fierce quarrels, to help recognize themselves, the other party and the relationship, avoid wrong interpretation and processing, so as to get out of the pain, rebuild themselves, re-understand the intimate relationship and start again.
(Book cards have been added here, please go to the Toutiao client to view)
2. "The Courage to Break Friendship": This book starts from the five perspectives of friendship, love, family affection, self-reconciliation, and online interpersonal relationships, helping readers sincerely face all their "relationships", and providing ideas and methods for dealing with those relationships that consume, reluctantly or blackmail themselves, so that readers have the courage to say goodbye to inappropriate relationships.
3. The Power of Conflict: How to Build Safe, Strong, and Long-lasting Intimacy: This book explains why some people have satisfying intimate relationships, while others endure estrangement and loneliness, and explores how to repair the inevitable conflicts and misalignments in interpersonal connections to lead to higher quality intimacy. It's not just a book about relationship trauma, it's also a guide to self-healing.
(Book cards have been added here, please go to the Toutiao client to view)
I'm Oxygen, a middle-aged girl who grew up with you.