Recently, a post in the Douban group titled "I always seem to be suppressing my every small need" became popular.
Netizen @lithium-ion cat, shared several personal experiences:
"Walking down the street, I suddenly thought that the roadside bookstore was very interesting, and I wanted to stop and stroll, but I thought it was okay, although there was nothing else urgent to do."
"I want my roommate to turn off the lights, and I think I can sleep if it's brighter, just slower, forget it."
"If you want to go to the toilet in class, in fact, the teacher will let you go, but it's always better to endure it, and it's not a big deal."
......
She said that the small desires and pleasures that she had suppressed were countless.
"My health, comfort, and happiness are always the easiest and least expensive sacrifices. As a result, I was always happy to sacrifice them first, even though no one was asking me to do anything anymore. ”
I've found that many people around me, including me, have had similar experiences and feelings. Like what:
I chased a day of drama on the weekend, and in the evening I felt very regretful and blamed myself for wasting time;
On his birthday, he rewarded himself with a bag that he was usually reluctant to buy, but he kept wondering if he was too extravagant;
When I went out to travel, I was immersed in the beautiful scenery, but I suddenly thought that I hadn't brought my parents out to play, and I felt a strong sense of guilt in my heart;
I finally didn't have to work overtime, but I didn't dare to be too happy in front of my colleagues who worked overtime......
In these moments, we feel regret and fear of our happiness to the point that it is difficult to enjoy it purely and even actively suppress it.
Do you remember how many moments in your life were buried in your heart when those happiness that was about to come out was buried in your heart?
Today, I want to have a good chat with you:
Why do we "dare not be happy"?
Mom and Dad: It's not hard
Child: Don't dare to be happy
01
Don't dare to be happy
It's because of a prejudice against "happiness".
"Happiness" is one of the basic emotions of human beings, and "feeling happiness" is the innate ability of every human being.
But in the process of growing up, there are often some disturbing factors that make us have an unreasonable perception of "happiness", which leads us to "dare not be happy".
Common irrational perceptions include:
1. You can only be happy about things that are "useful".
Parents may place too much emphasis on external judging conditions such as grades, and only require their children to do well in exams, and do not care too much about other aspects.
A netizen said that her aunt's daughter Qingqing (pseudonym) has been very fond of hip-hop dancing since she was a child, but her aunt was unwilling to enroll her in a dance class, but insisted on choosing a piano class for her that she was not interested in.
Because my aunt thinks that the piano certificate can add points, which will help Qingqing to study and study abroad in the future.
When she wanted to go to the amusement park, her parents said:
"What's the use of going to that kind of place?"
Children who grow up in this parenting style will subtly accept their parents' values and regard grades and achievements as the only criteria to measure their own worth.
When they grow up, even when their parents are not around, their parents' expectations have been internalized into their identity and they feel that they should remain "self-disciplined, motivated, and excellent".
2. Thinking that happiness requires qualifications.
Treat happiness as a reward, believing that you must meet certain standards in order to be eligible for happiness.
For example, when I was a child, I had good grades in exams before I could go out with my friends;
When I grew up, I was promoted and raised, and I was willing to be kind to myself......
If this standard is not met, happiness will bring shame, and they will subconsciously deny their happiness.
3. Thinking that happiness is an emotion that shouldn't exist.
Their pleasure has been suppressed since childhood:
Imitating a comedian at home to do funny moves, reprimanded:
"Crazy, what do you look like!"
scored 97 points, happily took it home to show off, and was asked rhetorically:
"Tell me how you lost those 3 points?"
This can easily lead to the idea that there are other things that are more important than one's own happiness.
For example, finding the reason for doing the wrong question is more important than happiness; Manners are more important than happiness......
They stubbornly believe that "once you are happy, bad things will happen", so they do not dare to be happy.
4. Feeling "unworthy" of being happy.
The first reaction of these people when they are happy is often to feel that they have "betrayed" their parents/partners/children/friends.
In many families, you can often hear parents say things like:
"I'm so tired and so hard for you, you must be obedient and hear." "If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your dad a long time ago, and you still don't listen to me, do you really want to be angry with me?"
These words, on the surface, are encouraging children to be obedient and sensible by expressing their own difficulties, but in fact they are conveying a message to children.
"Look, how much pain I have, it's all because of you."
Therefore, in order not to let the parents' efforts be in vain and not let the parents' expectations be disappointed, the child can only move forward under pressure higher than his peers. Once they fail to reach their goals, children will feel useless and sorry for their parents' efforts, and they will inevitably feel frustrated and sad.
In order to make the psychology better, they will even use extreme methods to punish themselves.
Growing up in such an atmosphere, they are cautious and trembling, like a heavy cross on their backs. "Guilt" becomes the background color of life, and it is difficult for a person to feel the happiness of peace of mind, thus forming "unworthy".
02
How to avoid losing your child
The ability to be happy
Perhaps, you can try to start from the following two aspects.
1、
Avoid being self-impressed
There are many parents who are in a state of self-sacrifice when they say to their children, "I have done so much for you".
They didn't notice whether the child needed such a pay, just like a fan in winter and a padded jacket in summer, which are all good things, but they are things that the other party doesn't need at the moment.
Love is never given unilaterally and wishfully, but also considering whether the other person can bear this love.
02
Learn to take responsibility for yourself
The more fearful and insecure parents are, the more they like to emphasize their efforts and "sacrifices".
Difficulties in the workplace, friction in the family, and difficulties in life can all be used by parents as a weapon to increase their children's guilt.
▼
"If it weren't for you, I would have divorced your mother." "If it weren't for you, would I get up early every day and stay up late?" "If it weren't for you, would I have seen other people's faces?"
……
Many parents will unconsciously transfer these pressures to their children, as if their bad and unhappy lives are caused by their children.
Susan · Fordwo's "Emotional Blackmail" says that people who use emotions such as "guilt" to exert emotional domination on others lack trust in the external environment.
The more fearful and insecure parents are, the more they like to emphasize their "giving" and "sacrifice".
Let the child feel indebted to his parents, so that he can better control the child and let him grow up according to the path he has set.
Honest and mature parents should know how to be self-responsible—responsible for their own emotions and their own lives, rather than letting their children take responsibility by triggering feelings of guilt.
Don't tie your child's hands and feet with heavy love, imprison their soul.
Controlling children through self-sacrifice will only lead to a lose-lose situation.
It is hoped that parents can guide and help their children grow up healthily in an educational way that is suitable for their children.
People who have too much instrumental experience can easily feel that life is meaningless.
Because their lives are to meet the expectations of others and society.
Detached from this functional existence, it is easy for them to find their true selves.
One of the most typical manifestations is that many people don't know how to fill the gaps in their hearts in their time outside of study and work.
When the self is false, it is difficult for a person to imagine what his future will look like, and it is easier to feel meaningless.
As a result, they can only constantly criticize themselves, work and study all the time, and produce "rest shame".
Until one day I was suddenly forced to stop, and I could no longer find the motivation to move forward, and fell into a nervous breakdown.
03
When you grow up
How to feel happiness generously?
If you feel like you don't deserve to be happy, first try to accept that shame and happiness can coexist.
It's unrealistic to get rid of shame right away, don't deny these negative emotions first, and then slowly build a "sense of worthiness".
Little by little, do the things you once wanted to do but didn't dare to do, and consciously be aware of and magnify the things that make you happy.
For example, when you have been watching dramas for an afternoon and feel that you are wasting time, you can think:
What makes me ashamed? - Waste of time;
What makes me happy? ——After a hard week of work, I was fully relaxed.
In the process, the two feelings will still be at war within you, but you have begun to respect your truest feelings.
Slowly, you will unconsciously seek out the happier part, reduce the shame through practice, and learn to grasp every happy moment.
Make yourself happy and happy
That's what makes sense
It's also important to get rid of the people and circumstances that suppress your happiness.
If you are afraid to be happy because of your parents, then be sure to separate the subject from your parents.
The first step in separation is not to stay away, but to understand the sense of deprivation of parents.
Each generation has its own way of life, and parents will inevitably project their own existential anxiety on their children in the process of parenting.
Respect their way of life, but don't use your life to support them.
Do what is within the power of the parents, and the separation of topics has been completed.
If they don't interfere too much in your life now, you can try to reconcile with the past and take care of your inner child.
Finally, share some of the energy and ways you take care of others.
Try to do to yourself as you would like to others.
If you find it difficult, you can also seek help from friends or counselors to increase social support and gain more mental energy.
Loving oneself is actually very concrete, and it is to take care of this physical body.
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