Text: Xiaowen
01. A colleague wants a divorce
At lunchtime, I met a colleague who I hadn't seen in half a summer, and as soon as he saw me, he warmly beckoned me to sit down, and we chatted while eating, and she knew that I was doing emotional counseling, and soon, our conversation turned to marriage.
She told me she was getting a divorce.
I was taken aback by what she said, because I knew that she and her husband had known each other since college, had a campus relationship, and then when they were working, they finally found work together in the same city.
Now they have stable jobs, have a house and a car, and have been married for more than ten years, and have two children, a son and a daughter, which can be regarded as a complete life, why do they want to divorce at this time?
In the past, I rarely heard her complain, and her marriage seemed to have been peaceful and happy, but now, she told me that there was no communication between them, only silence.
She went on to say that her daily routine was: coming home from work, cooking a meal, serving it to the table, and then eating together as a family, all in silence.
She makes all the meals with her heart, but her husband never has a word of praise, and she has always been very disappointed in her heart.
Although after eating, her husband will also consciously wash the dishes, but what she longs for more is to have some warm interaction.
Because after a while, they will each go back to their rooms and swipe their phones.
Such a seemingly divorced marriage made her feel extremely tired, although there was no betrayal, no boundary problems, but she still had the idea of divorce.
I persuaded him that many middle-aged couples will come to such a point, without quarrels, without passion, and even unwilling to say a word.
But this state is not because the marriage has failed, but because the love between two people has disappeared, but the disappearance does not mean that the divorce should be done.
I think of a sentence from sociologist Li Yinhe in her book "Li Yinhe Says Love":
"The lowest level of 'ideal marriage' is nothing more than the husband and wife 'eating together, sleeping together, and playing together'. As long as two people can match each other in the most basic human desires, then marriage is not much worse. ”
See? In this ideal marriage, there is no mention of "love", which shows that even if love is gone, it can still be maintained in marriage, and there is really no need to divorce.
02. The law of the disappearance of love: Whoever you marry, love will disappear
Writer Lin Qingxuan said:
"For the vast majority of men, love is a process of subtraction, and when there is less and less freshness, there is less and less sweetness."
This is the real psychology of men.
And for us women, we also have to understand that the love in our ordinary people's marriages is hardly as "earth-shattering, crying ghosts and gods" as written by Aunt Qiong Yao.
If you are in marriage, you ask for love every day, whether you want to die or live, then really, in this life, you can only continue to divorce and remarry, and it will never end.
Because, in fact, the disappearance of love is a common phenomenon in marriage. No matter who you marry, the love in your marriage will fade over time.
This is not because of someone's fault, but because the nature of love itself determines its transience.
Psychologist Sternberg's "Triadic Love Theory" states that love is composed of three parts: passion, intimacy, and commitment. As the marriage progresses, the passion will gradually fade, the intimacy may be weakened by the trivial daily life, and only commitment can sustain the marriage to continue.
However, many people mistakenly believe that the fading of passion is the end of love, so they have the idea of divorce. However, there is still intimacy and commitment without passion!
Moreover, love is not once and for all, it is more like a flower in marriage, which needs to be constantly watered and cared for in order to maintain its blooming beauty.
Expert Li Yinhe said:
"The love of two people still needs to be managed. Two people go from love to marriage, and passionate love is like a burning fire at the beginning of love, and it will become a trickle at the stage of daily life. Fire can't burn forever, and if you keep burning, you will be burned to ashes. After the passion, it becomes like water and tenderness, and the two people are as gentle and lingering as water, maintaining the heat of love. This is to be carefully cared for, to be very careful. Two people come up with ways to enrich their relationship, which is the most important part of increasing marital happiness. ”
That's right, when marriage falls silent, what we have to do is not to divorce, but to manage it and activate it.
03. Mei Niang said
In my opinion, to maintain such a thing as love, we need not only love, but also energy and pattern.
A marriage without love is not the same as an unhappy marriage. On the contrary, it can be an opportunity for us to explore new marriage models and activate love.
First of all, we should lower our expectations for marriage and not pin all the happiness in marriage on love.
There is a saying on the Internet that says it well:
"If you don't agree with your husband, then treat him as an ordinary friend, he can do whatever he wants, don't always think about changing him, the upbringing engraved in your bones can't be changed, don't worry about yourself."
Yes, treating each other as ordinary friends and keeping a moderate distance can make the relationship between each other easier and more pleasant.
Secondly, you must find your own love and pursuit outside of marriage.
The dullness in marriage often comes from the singleness and closure of life. When you have a career or hobby that you are passionate about, you will find that there are more things in life that are worth pursuing, and those contradictions and dissatisfaction in marriage will also fade away.
Finally, we can also try to rekindle the emotional connection between each other by creating some small surprises and small romances.
Why inspire an emotional connection with each other?
Although each of us is an independent individual and an island in our relationship, only when people reach out to each other and connect with each other will they have the feeling of "we".
When we have us, then, even if the passion has receded, the warmth and care can still bring love back to life.
When people reach middle age, they don't have to rush to divorce in the face of a loveless marriage. Love will disappear, but marriage can find new meaning and happiness through our efforts.
I hope that each of us can let go of the high expectations of marriage and shift the focus of life to self-growth and other meaningful things, then the helplessness and exhaustion in marriage may gradually become less important.
United Kingdom writer Alain · de Botton said:
"It's easy to fall in love, just a moment of passion, but it's not easy to maintain love, it takes a lifetime of cultivation, what we should do is to break the illusion, more pragmatic, healthier, non-instinctive love."
That's right, let love shine in marriage, this is your glorious mission for me.