Long distance is a double-sided blade, and some people say that love seems insignificant in the face of distance; It is also said that because of love, distance becomes insignificant. Because it was you, I began to believe and am willing to work hard with you.
Long-distance relationships can easily make people feel "left behind".
In the first half of the year, I was almost in a sensitive state of being touched by a landmine at any moment, on the one hand, because of the victim's mentality, I always threw myself into the ditch where I was left behind and persecuted, and in every quarrel with my partner L, I put all the blame on him who decided to go far away, and I was a pitiful waiter. In long-distance relationships, the person who stays often derives the feeling of "being left behind", coupled with the great changes in life and the influence of personality traits, more seriously, it is easy to induce the so-called "victim mentality", which is easy to make people think about their own existence with biased and narrow thinking, as if everything can hurt themselves, because these unbalanced feelings erupt into emotional reactions such as self-pity, low self-esteem, anger, fear and pessimism.
During that time, I could only choose to blame L for leaving, and during that time I could hardly feel the hardships of living in a foreign place, nor could I empathize with his decisions, and even ignored his comforts as much as possible, only repeatedly emphasizing: "Now that you are not by my side, you can't give me everything I need." I remember the long hours we spent arguing and being silent, from not being able to speak to me clearly because of the time difference, to being unable to bear my grief effectively, because the distance created by the estrangement almost blocked our ability to perceive love. That's when I learned for the first time that love is so vulnerable beyond body temperature and distance.
Distant disappointment comes from not being able to feel real love and companionship
Remember not to hold on to the "victim" role, even if the distance is a unilateral decision or an insurmountable problem at this stage, you actually have a choice. You can choose to be together because you accept it, or you can choose not to accept it and separate. Long distance is a double-sided blade, and some people say that love seems insignificant in the face of distance; It is also said that because of love, distance becomes insignificant. What is it to accompany in love? Is it to fully capture your emotions, or to embrace your soul? I've often wondered what else in a long-distance relationship, apart from being able to have physical intimacy, is what makes the relationship feel that the relationship is in danger.
Come to think of it, I think it's the emptiness that both of them can't do about each other's needs. Listening to each other crying about the terrible things in work and life, but unable to gently wipe away tears and hug quietly, the sense of disability that can be filled with every day of long-distance interaction without warning, and all the love and care that can be shown by actions can only be reduced to words in the distance, and language is usually the most ineffective and thin. When you repeatedly want to get effective comfort from a distant lover, as well as a sense of steadiness comparable to physical companionship, you will only feel extremely disappointed again and again, and the disappointment of the "state" can easily turn into the disappointment of the "person", and over time, the disappointment will turn into blame, and the long-term dissatisfaction will turn into thorny communication, and become the taboo mutual harm of distant lovers.
No one should be a waiter in a long-distance relationship
There were several times when L and I had a big argument, and those heartbreaking words blurted out as the price of unscrupulous words, and we were both tired and thought that it was better to be separated, but every time we had to face the essence behind the quarrel after calming down, it was all about expecting attention, expecting some love from the other end of the phone. Even if you can't overcome the jet lag, get up early every day to talk on the phone enough; Even on anniversaries, there is no way to show concrete attention through action; Even if you can't give physical companionship when your work is at a low ebb; Even if the two people's vacations are staggered, one is busy and the other is traveling, these time and space gaps, and the sense of loss brought to you, all come from the fact that you always want to be there for him in some difficult or beautiful moment.
5 exercises for long-distance quarrels
Of course, long-distance communication may still extend into war, but in long-distance relationships, we have to think about reducing the damage of words to a greater extent, because the next meeting may be half a year apart, and no party can withstand the cold war or the knot.
1. Treat everything that seems to "don't care" as "care a lot"
The weight of language is incalculable, and sometimes the tone of understatement is easy to be deliberately interpreted as cold and insensitive, which for sensitive long-distance lovers, it is as if the other person doesn't care about what they share, once one person says, "Don't you want to listen to me at all?" No matter how the other side justifies, it is difficult to alleviate the feeling of being ignored at the moment. If you're the sensitive person in a long-distance relationship, the best thing to do is to interpret everything that sounds like you don't care (based on mutual trust, of course, and both of you intend to stick with it at a distance). The two have been separated for a long time, and they have their own lives in each other's cities, plus the different states and time sequences, they have different difficulties in life, and it is very likely that they will not be aware of the small things that happen tens of thousands of kilometers away.
2. Whoever is right and who is wrong, both parties apologize for the argument
L and I have a habit of remembering to apologize to each other when we get along, no matter how hard we fight the day before. A long-distance quarrel can't end with a hug, so it is necessary to draw a satisfactory end to this quarrel so as not to leave a pimple. I think no matter how steady your steps are, it is easy to spit out hurtful words at the moment of argument, or you can't think from the other person's point of view, so apologizing is to review the irrational self at the moment. All the hurt in the relationship, unless it is a huge and decisive mistake, the rest is accumulated over time, what we can do is to reduce the accumulation, the hurt in the moment, let us bear each other a little bit back, and say "I'm sorry, I didn't take into account your position yesterday and said such hurtful things" can reduce each other's insecurity, embrace each other's cold, and let the quarrel end here.
3. Turn criticism into a desire and dissatisfaction into a positive need
In a long-distance relationship, you will eventually find that behind all criticism there are wishes and expectations, and dissatisfaction is the missing demand. During the long distance, I often complained to L, "Why can't I even decide when to come back?" In fact, when I said it, I knew in my heart that behind this complaint was a deep longing and an eagerness to see you soon. When your desire turns into criticism, the other person just bears your negative emotions again and again, and is getting farther and farther away from the original intention of the original thought. Rather than expressing emotional dissatisfaction, it's better to express your needs positively, such as when I try to say to L, "I want to receive your handwritten letter because that's how I feel you." It is to transform the anxiety about mutual coldness in the long distance into a positive response, providing the other party with solutions, and at the same time taking care of one's own needs.
4. Don't talk about "breakups".
I met L when I was 18 years old, I was with him at 20 years old, and years have passed without realizing it. L said that there were still very few places where we could help each other when we were growing up, and he couldn't light the way forward for me, nor could he prevent me from stumbling and walking, but even though the distance was a difficult test for each other, we didn't mention breaking up in a fight. Because we know in each other's hearts that once one of these two words is said first, even if we are reconciled, we will definitely not be the original us.
5. Let distance be the starting point for a strong relationship
There are so many tragic stories about long distances that we don't need to contribute another. If love is changeable, then distance is just another form of change, and the movie "Seattle Sleepless" says: "I like and am used to keeping a distance from changing things, so that I know what is the most unabandoned by time." For example, if I love someone, it is full of variables, so I take a step back and look quietly until I see sincere feelings." We don't know enough about love, so we have to try to distance ourselves from it, some things, not so close, but clearer. The real sentence I love you happened in the second half of the distance, and I was still thinking about how to go on with you.