Hello, I'm Oxygen, a post-70s psychotherapist who likes to write.
Recently, I saw a story about a painter who helped several girls draw portraits. But the painter can't look at the girl, and the girl herself dictates.
One girl described her shortcomings: "I have a very large forehead. "I have a hollow in the middle of my chin." "I have a lot of freckles on my face."
At this time, several strangers who were not familiar with these girls came, and asked these strangers to describe their appearance to the painter after seeing the appearance of the girls.
Surprisingly, these strangers, who have only one side to the girls, have a much higher opinion of the girls than they say about themselves:
"This girl has an angular face." "She has a pointed chin and looks good." "She has pure, translucent eyes."
We should be the ones who know ourselves best, but why do we always fail to pay attention to our own strengths, but infinitely magnify our own shortcomings?
We who think of ourselves as ordinary or even mediocre may be very good people in the eyes of others. So, are we being too ourselves? Is the self we see as our true self?
"Core beliefs" affect self-evaluation
Core beliefs are like the background color of the soul, quietly influencing our evaluation of ourselves.
It is a deep-seated view of ourselves, others, and the world that we grow up.
Just as the ancients said: "I don't know the true face of Lushan, only because I am in this mountain." "We are often bound by our core beliefs, making it difficult to understand ourselves objectively.
For example, a person who grew up in a loving and encouraging family environment may develop positive core beliefs such as "I am valuable" and "I have the ability to do good."
When faced with challenges, he will be more inclined to believe that he can overcome them, so that he can actively try and work hard.
As Su Shi said: "Who knows that there is no less in life?" The flowing water in front of the door is still in the west! Hugh will sing the yellow chicken with white hair. ”
This positive self-evaluation will motivate him to continue to explore his potential and pursue his goals bravely.
Conversely, if a person experiences too much criticism, frustration, and denial as they grow up, they may develop negative core beliefs such as "I can't do it" and "I'm not good enough."
At work, even if he has the ability to complete a task, he may not dare to try it because of self-doubt, or give up easily when he encounters a little difficulty.
"If you want to cross the Yellow River and the ice and the river, you will climb the snow-covered mountains in Taihang." This negative self-evaluation will be like an invisible shackle that restricts his development.
A student fails an exam, if his core belief is "one failure doesn't mean anything, I can learn from the failure and do better next time",
Then he will analyze the problem with a positive attitude, study hard, and look forward to the next progress.
And if his core belief is "I'm just not good at studying, I'll never fail the test", then he may fall into frustration and self-denial, and lose motivation to learn.
It can be seen that core beliefs have a crucial impact on self-evaluation. We should strive to cultivate positive core beliefs, understand ourselves with a more objective and confident attitude, and reach our highest potential.
The impact of positive and negative core beliefs
Positive core beliefs are like warm sunshine that illuminates our path forward, giving us strength and courage.
"There will be times when the wind and waves will be long, and the clouds will sail into the sea." People with positive core beliefs believe in their ability to cope with life's challenges and are hopeful for the future.
For example, a newcomer to the workplace has a positive core belief that "I can continue to improve through hard work".
At work, even if he encounters difficult tasks, he will take the initiative to learn, ask for advice, and constantly improve his ability.
Instead of being discouraged by a single failure, he sees it as an opportunity to grow.
In teamwork, he dares to express his opinions and actively contribute because he believes in his own value.
Eventually, he continued to make progress in his work and was recognized by his colleagues and leaders.
Negative core beliefs are like a haze that clouds the light within us, causing us to fall into self-doubt and frustration.
"Draw the knife and cut off the water, the water will flow more, and raise a glass to eliminate sorrow and sorrow." People who are plagued by negative core beliefs often lack confidence in themselves and focus too much on their shortcomings and inadequacies.
For example, one student kept thinking that "I'm stupid, I can't study well no matter how hard I try."
In the process of learning, he may become afraid of difficult problems and dare not try to solve them.
Even if he achieves some results, he will feel that it is luck rather than his own ability.
This negative core belief will make him less and less motivated to study, and it will be difficult for him to improve his grades.
Positive core beliefs can stimulate our potential and allow us to face life with an optimistic attitude.
Negative core beliefs can tie our hands and feet and make it difficult for us to extricate ourselves. We should strive to cultivate positive core beliefs, abandon negative core beliefs, and make our lives more exciting.
I always feel like I'm not good enough, what should I do?
First, learn to be aware of your core beliefs.
When we find ourselves always unhappy with ourselves, we might as well stop and reflect on what the core belief behind that thought is. "I have three times a day, and I have to save my body." Through self-reflection, we can better understand our own thought patterns.
Second, challenge negative core beliefs. We can gather evidence to refute negative self-evaluations, such as looking back at what we have achieved or asking others what they think of us.
"I was born to be useful." Everyone has their own shining point, and we need to learn to discover and amplify our strengths.
Finally, cultivate positive self-talk. Replace self-criticism with words of encouragement and affirmation, "Thousands of blows are still strong, and the wind blows from east to west, north and south." ”
When you encounter difficulties, tell yourself that "I can" and "I have the ability to solve problems" and gradually change your way of thinking.
The book also provides a case study of recognizing negative core beliefs and changing beliefs to share.
First, be aware of your negative core beliefs.
For example, if you go on a trip with your partner and you visit a boring attraction with expensive tickets because of your proposal, your partner is disappointed and blames yourself for not doing your job properly.
At this point, you need to realize that you have developed negative core beliefs. This core belief can make you constantly self-doubt and self-denial.
Second, after becoming aware of your core beliefs, you can use the "pie chart technique" to transform your beliefs.
To put it simply, you can take out a blank piece of paper, draw a circle on it, and divide the circle into several areas of different sizes, each representing a different cause and proportion of the incident.
Take the above example as an example, on the area divided into circles, you can write "I made a mistake in judgment, 30%", "My partner does not provide any advice, do 'shake off the shopkeeper', 20%", "Misled by the strategy, 35%"......
This way you will no longer focus on yourself and blame yourself for all your mistakes, but will consider many aspects and recognize the part of yourself that you have done well.
After a few attempts, you'll notice that the sound that lingers in your ears has changed from "I'm not good enough" to "I'm not bad".
In many cases, what causes us to have negative emotions such as anxiety and depression is often not some objective facts, but beliefs that arise after we "translate" and "interpret" the facts.
Infinitely magnifying our own shortcomings will only cause us to have unreasonable core beliefs, which in turn will affect our self-evaluation. Only by not being afraid of flaws and empowering your heart can you embrace a better version of yourself.
(Book cards have been added here, please go to the Toutiao client to view)
I'm Oxygen, a middle-aged girl who grew up with you.