Hello everyone, I'm Daddy~
On the National Day, the community holds activities, and there is a free stage performance in the middle.
Adults are old and serious, and they don't want to be "conspicuous bags", but children are scrambling to be the first.
Standing next to me were a mother and son, the boy was about seven or eight years old, and he looked eager to try.
His eyes sparkled, and he stared enviously at the stage ten meters ahead.
When the last child finished singing and left the stage, the little boy grabbed his mother's arm and said, "I want to go up and sing too."
There was some hope and yearning in his tone, but he was a little nervous.
According to common sense, parents generally support and encourage this kind of thing.
But the boy's mother really poured a basin of cold water:
Hurry up and stop, you usually let you sing at home, you can't open your mouth, what's the excitement at this time?
Hearing this, the boy's eyes suddenly turned red, and with tears flashing, he muttered in a crying voice: "At home, that's what I don't want to sing."
However, the boy's mother directly ignored the child's appeal, but scolded with some dissatisfaction: "Hold back your tears, don't embarrass me."
The staff noticed the movement and cooperated very well in handing the microphone to the little boy.
It's just that compared with just now, the little boy's eyes at this time seem to have lost their light, and he is only promised.
The child's mother was a little angry, and said again: "You wanted to sing just now, but now Auntie brought you the microphone, and you don't sing again, it's really useless."
The little boy lowered his head, neither made a sound nor answered the microphone, just teardrops the size of beans, falling down one by one.
The picture freezes for a minute, and the scene is awkward.
After the staff returned in vain, the boy's mother started the accusation and criticism mode, as if she had just made a big ugly appearance.
It's just that she may never understand that her son's changes before and after are all due to her.
She may not have thought about what kind of psychological trauma her ubiquitous high pressure and strength will bring to her children, and how much cowardice, sensitivity and vulnerability she will leave.
In just ten minutes, she used three words to kill her son's bravery, self-confidence and yearning for beautiful things.
Remembering a quote from Sigmund Freud:
What determines a person's happiness in life is whether he has low self-esteem in childhood.
The more confident and positive the child, the more he can walk out of the road in a trivial life.
The more inferior and fragile the child, the more tired and scarred he will be, and he will live a depressed life.
However, no child is born with low self-esteem, and most of them are due to improper family education, which makes them into the crampedness and darkness of growth.
So how can we raise a confident, sunny and promising child?
In fact, no matter whether the family is poor or rich, really smart parents will definitely be "generous" in three aspects.
(1) Don't be stingy with praise
There is a video on the Internet that has aroused heated discussions among countless netizens.
In the video, a 14-year-old girl cooks a hearty meal for herself and her mother.
I thought I was getting a compliment, but when I got home, my mother was not only not moved, but angrily asked:
Shall I praise you? You cook so many dishes with me, how can you eat it, the two of us......
The mother was ruthless, and she didn't care about her daughter who was still looking forward to it just now, but at this time there were tears in the corners of her eyes.
That picture, across the screen, is extremely suffocating.
We have to admit that adult thinking is more rational and mature.
But if you have to hurt your children in order to keep this "reason", then this deal is really stupid and terrible.
There is a concept in psychology: positive authority expectation.
What is said is that if you want to make a person bad, suppress and deny him, if you want to make a person good, then encourage, praise and affirm him, and slowly, he will develop in the direction you expect.
This is similar to the "label effect".
Therefore, those parents who are not stingy with praise can often let their children's growth be well nourished, so that they will bloom with self-confidence and success.
(2) Not accustomed to comparison
There is a questionnaire survey on the Internet about "the ten things that children can't stand their parents the most".
As a result, the number one one is: I hate my parents the most for comparing me with others.
Many parents may think that there will be "competition" when there is "comparison", which is an educational method that catalyzes the internal driving force of children.
But in fact?
The core logic of "comparison" is actually a kind of disapproval, and it is also the incompetent roar and catharsis that parents project their emotions on their children in the face of gaps.
Just like Teacher Li Meijin said in a program:
Comparison is a pathological phenomenon, and the children brought out by such parents often have problems.
On the one hand, a comparison is actually a blow and denial again and again, which will hurt children's self-esteem at least, and make them become inferior, anxious, and even have a series of psychological problems.
On the other hand, parents feel that "comparison" is promoting their children's progress, but in their children's ears, it is the parents who are expressing their dissatisfaction with themselves, and over time, the parent-child relationship is unbalanced, which will also bring a variety of effects and harm to the child's growth.
Therefore, instead of trying to stimulate children through "comparison", it is better to have more recognition and affirmation, so that they can wait for the flowers to bloom.
Just like those smart parents, never compare, don't compare, just fertilize and water on time and wait for the flowers to bloom.
Remember, every child is a good seed, but it blooms differently.
(3) Be generous when it comes to trust
In the process of children's growth, some parents are accustomed to putting the following sentences on their lips:
He doesn't understand, he won't, he can't......
As everyone knows, the more you like to say these words, the more you will deprive your children of space for growth, and the more they will set limits on their future.
The reason why parents have such expressions is that behind them is "distrust" of their children.
This "mistrust" stems from two aspects.
First, a sense of control.
Influenced by traditional culture, parents want absolute control over their children.
The constant suppression and denial of children can be conducive to the high presentation of this "sense of control".
Second, the sense of omnipotent narcissism.
Miao Dai, the chief writer of UM psychology, once said:
Many parents are already old in terms of biological age, but in terms of psychological age, they are like a baby waiting to be fed, because they are dominated by omnipotent narcissism, they feel that they are omnipotent.
This is why in the eyes of parents, even if the child has grown up, in their eyes it is still a "little child" who can't do anything.
But the problem is that when we lack trust in our children, we can't help but want to do everything for them.
In this way, it will not only make parents worry and sad, but more importantly, it will squeeze their children's growth space and set up obstacles to their development and learning.
And smart and wise parents often have full trust in their children.
This kind of trust allows children to contact more things and accept more tests, so that whether it is self-care ability, mentality or resilience, they have a very good development.
And these will burst out with great energy on the road of children's future growth.