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Parents quarrel, but the biggest injury is the child (special tutor 923 issue)

Parental quarrels are the most terrifying movies children see in the world.

Montessori said that everything we do to a child will blossom and bear fruit, not only for his life, but also for his whole life.

Parents quarrel, the biggest injury is the child, the vicious face of the parents in the child's mind for a long time can not be dissipated, this fear will be deeply rooted in the child's heart, become a rift that can not be healed.

Behind every pair of quarrelsome parents, there are unfortunate children

The shadow of parental quarrels in childhood makes children remember them clearly even when they grow up, and they will blame their parents for their quarrels.

Children who grow up in such an environment learn to cater to others to get all people liked, and once others release bad signals, they will produce self-loathing, suppress their personality, and even avoid intimate relationships.

Surveys and studies have shown that in families where husband and wife often quarrel, the detection rate of children's psychological problems is 32%; in comparison, 30% of divorced families and 19% of harmonious families.

Parental quarrels have even greater impact on children than divorce, and children who grow up in an environment where parents argue live in a stressful environment for a long time and are more likely to suffer from some mental illnesses.

There is a very cute girl named Liu Kele in "Strange Flower Conference", but when she tells her story, she finds that she is not as happy as her name.

Liu Kele is a "bipolar disorder patient", which is commonly known as "bipolar disorder".

When she was depressed, she wanted to commit suicide every day, and when she was manic, she was super energetic and could go days and nights without sleeping.

American psychologist Satya said: "A person is inextricably linked to his original family, and this connection may affect a lifetime." ”

Coke's mother is a demanding person, so strict that she can't get the second place in the Coke exam. Coke Dad, on the other hand, is a free-spirited person who has always advocated freedom.

After living together, people with completely different personalities do not have the imaginary run-in, but often erupt into quarrels like Mars hitting the earth.

Coke recalls that when she was a child, the picture of her parents arguing would always play in her mind, and her parents' quarrel was like a pair of contradictions that could not coexist, which also made her fall into pain when she grew up and could not break free for a long time.

For children, parental quarrels are like a whirlpool, and children cannot get out of this pain and can only be forced to bear the negative impact of parental quarrels.

Children who grow up in the quarrels of their parents often have many of the same traits, such as inferiority, sensitivity, cowardice and other personality defects, full of pessimism about life, lack of security, emotional indifference, unwillingness to get married, social fear, and do not know how to get along with people.

If you grew up in a parental quarrel, can you compare the following questions, how many do you possess?

1. There are character defects

Children who grow up in such a family, some people are inferior and sensitive, some are cowardly and timid, and some people are prone to irritability and even violent tendencies.

A big boy said that when his parents quarreled when he was a child, he always endured it;

Later, when his parents quarreled, he would yell at them;

And now, he felt that his violent temper was out of control, and he couldn't help but want to vent when he saw something unpleasant.

2. Be pessimistic about life

Many people have said that due to the influence of their families, they have grown up to become a complete pessimist. Some people say that in the same thing, others may see the positive and positive side, but they can always find a lot of negative things.

3. Lack of confidence

Parents who are easy to quarrel with their lovers, most of them also lack tolerance and patience with their children, children are easy to become the parents' punching bag, insults, blows often occur, over time, the child's self-confidence is ruthlessly destroyed.

4. Indifference to family affection

Many people have said that when parents quarrel, every minute is tormented, and many people have the idea of escaping from home and running away from home.

Because I can't feel the warmth and harmony of home, I am unusually indifferent to family affection, and it is difficult to be coddled and willful in front of my parents, and even I am unwilling to go home for a long time after adulthood.

Others have said that they hate their parents even more than they love.

5. Social phobia

Children who often experience parental quarrels from an early age have more or less social phobia when they grow up. I don't like to interact with strangers, nor am I good at making deep friends with classmates and friends, and my psychological defense line is too deep, which makes it difficult to open my heart to people. Maybe some people seem optimistic and outgoing on the outside, and they can talk about it in a bunch of people, but there are very few friends who can really walk into his heart.

6. Influence the concept of love and mate selection

The psychological damage caused by parental quarrels can often continue into his adult life, because he often witnesses the way parents get along with each other, so that they begin to believe in love or it is difficult to trust the opposite sex.

Some people said that they did not want to fall in love and did not want to start a family, because they did not feel how happy they were to get married, and they did not know how to get along with their lovers.

7. Insecurity

Mom and Dad are often noisy and even yelling and punching, which is something that every child is afraid of. Children's love for their parents is both gained and lost, and they must always worry about whether their parents will be separated at any time, or whether they will not be themselves.

And because of their young age, many children think that their parents quarrel because of their own reasons, which invisibly increases the psychological burden. As a result of long-term torment of fear, restlessness and tension, the child's sense of security is severely lacking.

8. Will not express emotions correctly

A lot of people have mentioned one thing: they don't get angry and they don't quarrel. This "will not" has two meanings, one is that it will not bother with people, and the other is that it does not know how to express it.

Some people say that they never dare to lose their temper with people, even if people joke a little heavy, they are obviously very angry in their hearts, but they dare not express it, because they dare not have conflicts with people, they are afraid of the tense atmosphere of quarrels, and they are afraid of hurting each other.

Parental quarrels have a great impact on children, but there are many trivial things in life, and it is inevitable that there will be quarrels between husband and wife, and every quarrel will definitely bring harm to the children? What can be done to reduce the harm and even help the child's growth a little?

Learn to fight properly

We are sometimes particularly afraid of quarrels, afraid of bringing bad influences to our children. But the emotions sometimes can't be controlled, and after the quarrel, they fall into deep self-blame and remorse... In fact, the impact of quarrels between adults on children may not be as bad as you think.

Jiangxi Satellite TV once did a survey on "How do you feel when your parents quarreled", in which a little boy said: "I think it's funny." Because their quarrel is an emotional vent, I think after they have quarreled, the feelings will become more and more profound. ”

You see, from the child's point of view, not all parental quarrels will hurt the child.

Mark Cummings, a psychologist at the University of Notre Dame who has studied the topic of family conflicts for nearly 30 years and published more than 100 psychological articles on parental quarrels and communication conflicts with colleagues, believes that there are many family quarrels and conflicts that do not hurt children, but on the contrary, children will benefit from their parents' conflict resolution.

However, it should be noted that this quarrel mode often has the following characteristics:

• Although there are quarrels and disagreements, the attitude is positive and the ultimate purpose is to solve the problem;

• There is a limit to the quarrel and will not develop to the extent that the neighbors are aware of the wall;

• The other party's opinions will not be completely denied, and in the process of quarrelling, the behavior of support and compromise for the other half is beneficial to family relations and problem solving. If you only hold the purpose of arguing and winning, it is not worth the loss, and in the end, the quarrel wins, but you lose the relationship between husband and wife and the parent-child relationship.

Experiencing such a pattern of quarrels, children can develop better social skills and self-esteem, have a higher sense of security, and at the same time build better relationships with their parents, perform better in school, and have fewer psychological problems.

So, if you can "argue right," don't be too nervous about it.

The art of conflict

1. A quarrel is a quarrel

At the age of 0-5 years old, it is best to avoid children in conflict between husband and wife.

Because of the quarrel at this time, the babies will only feel a strong emotion of the parents and feel fear, and these emotional imprints of the early years will often become a source of insecurity.

Their cognitive function has not yet developed to a certain extent, and even if they explain to the babies afterwards, the impact of the quarrel is not easy to be appeased.

At the age of 5 years, the conflict between parents' views on a certain matter, trivial matters of life, or division of labor within the family can be seen by children.

Allows them to fully experience the entire process from conflict occurrence to resolution.

You can first see the child's emotions when they see their parents arguing, and try to encourage the child to express it, and also tell them that the previous conflict was caused by the parents themselves, and now it has been resolved, and tell them how to solve it.

Let the whole quarrel draw a complete "end".

2. Unbind

When in front of the child, when the other party finds that the other party has begun to insult himself, stop communicating immediately and explain the reason.

It is also symbolic to help children establish borders when they encounter similar situations, and these early impressions can protect them from being harmed again.

Sometimes parents find themselves in conflict, they need to bind their children, they need to be aware that this aspect is a disconnect with the other party at that moment, and they need another relationship to appease.

It may also be an attempt to build some sort of alliance that can win in a conflict and prove itself right.

Or subconsciously worried that the other person and the child are more connected.

In either case, parents need to know that at this time, the child is no longer a child, they need to become another role, to complete a certain task, which will inevitably affect their development.

Some families, after the conflict, completely abandon communication with each other and turn to the connection with the child, either excluding the other person, or the two sides compete with each other for the child's attention, and instill each other's mistakes and inadequacies in each other's children.

In this case, in addition to deep personal growth, if there is any method that can be used quickly, it is to be aware of the relevant state of the person, put the child in its original position, and let the conflict between the husband and wife proceed with each other.

3. Return to order

In intimate relationships, there are many needs that are very primitive and "naïve", and when these needs are frustrated, individuals tend to make a lot of "childish" reactions.

Some adults will sit directly on the ground and cry like children. Acquired education may block the picture, but you can still smell such information from the tone, feelings, and behavior.

For example, a middle school student asked for help online, saying that his parents quarreled like children, did not listen to advice, and asked what to do.

This is when the parent's function fails during the quarrel, or the function of one party has not been online.

For related types of conflicts, it is best to avoid the child first, take some time, and wait for both parties to return to their proper state.

Of course, in actual life, the quarrel is actually the result of the usual accumulation, the child is inevitably involved in it, temporary avoidance, in order for the two people to be able to show the usually suppressed part of the environment without being disturbed.

In addition, regarding divorce and major financial issues, it is best not to use quarrels to let the child know.

family

It is the children who feel the love,

Learn to love the place.

Please give your child a warm and loving home!

Source: Capital Education Some of the materials in this article are synthesized from Zeng Qifeng Psychological Studio, CCTV Network, 525 Psychological Network, Fruit Shell Children's School, etc

Image source: Photo.com