"Do you really like me?" "Do you really love me?" If you are not around on a business trip, you are contacted by video phone over and over again, "Why didn't you call me, and what did you do during this time?" "Who was I with at night, and what did we talk about?" And their lover, every day, has to face repeated interrogations, making them annoying.
I believe that no parent wants their adult children to become like this, right? If they were able to get timely "emotional guidance" from their parents when they were young, they would not become so unconfident and insecure.
"You are the best toy for children" Kimberly Bryn, the first child education expert in the world to propose "emotional guidance education", is also the mother of two children, one child is quiet and gentle, one is jumping up and down and throwing a tantrum, but she is through emotional guidance, so that two children have become children in other people, constantly asking her how you do it.
In fact, this method is not difficult, as long as we as parents brush the time of the mobile phone, use it to read this book, and use the theory in practice, the child's crying becomes no longer a chicken flying dog jump but a better opportunity to enhance feelings.
The book is divided into four parts
Part I: The first chapter deals with common misconceptions parents have about disciplining their children and what emotional guidance can do for you
Part II: The second chapter deals with the importance of emotional guidance
Part III: Chapters 3 to 5 talk about how parents should guide their emotions from infancy to 7 years old
Part IV: The last chapter, tells us as parents that all we have to do is to face up to our past and leave us with some time and space.
1. 4 common misconceptions of parents disciplining their children.
Myth 1: Controlling parents and laissez-faire parents
These two types of parents go to two extremes, controlling parents will immediately punish their children's mistakes, while laissez-faire parents will let them fend for themselves. For example, if a child is making a big fuss in the room, it annoys the parents who talk to a friend. Controlling parents will yell, "Stop me right now!" If you don't listen, hang up the phone and I'll pick you up!" Laissez-faire parents just shake their heads helplessly and let the noise continue.
Myth 2: Belittling, underestimating and denying children's feelings
In "Every Child Can Open Like a Flower", the author writes that if parents inadvertently say "you can't do it", the child will be convinced, which will seriously dampen the enthusiasm of the child.
What parents have to do is to always start from the perspective of compassion and learn to think in empathy.
Myth 3: Use external incentives and rewards
A psychological experiment selected two groups of children who liked to draw. Say to the children in group A: If you draw well, there is a reward. Say to the kids in Group B that they want to see the drawings you've drawn. The results of the experiment showed that the rewarded children were obviously less interested in drawing, while the children in group B were still as active as before.
From a psychological point of view, the prize can reinforce a certain behavior, but it will also cause a negative situation, only interested in the prize, and lose interest in the behavior itself. That is, external incentives bring about passive behavior, rather than active behavior, which is difficult to consolidate.
Myth 4: Punish with negative consequences
Generally negative results arise, parents will come to the sentence: "Now that you know the seriousness of the consequences, will you dare to do this in the future?" "Punishment for negative consequences does not provoke introspection or the child's satisfaction, it only provokes their resistance."
Having said so many misunderstandings, what can parents do in the end to get out of the misunderstanding, let each emotional guidance deepen the feelings between parents and children, and give play to their children's potential.
2. What is emotional counseling? And how?
Emotional guidance: It is to teach children the rules of emotion, so that they know how to identify emotions and express them in an appropriate way.
Key Steps in Emotional Guidance:
Sow the seeds: Let your child know in advance what will happen in a particular situation and what you will expect from him. If the requirements are known in advance, the child will be more cooperative.
In the book "Terrible Two Years Old", a similar theory is proposed, that is, forward-looking discipline, which refers to the most effective treatment before the occurrence of the child's misconduct. It can be taken in three steps:
(1) Based on the understanding of the child, foresee the problem.
(2) Before the problem recurs, develop a strategy for dealing with the problem.
(3) Tell your child about your specific forward-looking decisions.
The advantage of this is that parents who avoid crying in front of their children are also emotional, start yelling at their children, and make behaviors that they regret. That is, not allowing anger to control itself is also a clear way for children to deal with mistakes and violations.
Sowing seeds for children in advance is for the sake of children's better growth. Remember what happened a few years ago when the boy was beating up at a restaurant eating? If his parents had told him in advance what he couldn't do to eat at the restaurant, and what would happen if he did. Instead of disturbing the neighboring table, his parents connived, and finally the phenomenon of two big fights occurred, which made the Internet boil.
Observation and judgment: The essence is attention, and you need to know under what circumstances your child is prone to irritability, noise, or frustration. After knowing the child's actual needs, show up in time when he needs help. Remember that when providing help to children, it is not a substitute, but a demonstration, to give children the opportunity to do it themselves.
Listening: You need to keep your child in mind with both eyes and ears, and even crouch down and look at your child to make sure you have eye contact with him at all times.
Tip: When your child is emotional, parents do nothing but sympathize, and it is best to wait for everyone to calm down before discussing solutions with their children.
In a variety show, Huo Siyan and her son Hum said that they wanted to donate the toys he didn't often play with, but they were strongly opposed by Hum, and Huo Siyan patiently said to her son: "You have the right to decide your own things, but if you are willing, you can play with each other, right?" ”
Hmmm still said defiantly, "Don't." ”
After humming calmed down for a while, he said, "Mom, I'll decide whether to donate or not." ”
After that, Huo Siyan gave a suggestion, she said: "This is not good, let's go to see, you want, we will donate toys to children who need them more, you don't want us to bring them back." ”
Hmmm happily agreed and packed up the toys with his mom. Throughout the communication process, Huo Siyan has been sitting, her eyes always paying attention to her son. When she saw her son resist crying, she did not say anything immediately, but waited for Hum to calm down a little. Whether or not to donate the child's toys is to give advice from the child's point of view and let him make his own choices.
At the end of this chapter, the author writes that respect is the best encouragement for children, and Huo Siyan does this, she does not ask the child to do what to do, but let him make his own decisions.
3, parents to do is to face the past, strive to be a good parent, leave some space and time for themselves
A harmonious relationship between husband and wife is the best parenting environment. --"Every child can open like a flower"
A few days ago, I saw a news that a couple in Henan Province, in the divorce mediation court, vicious words to each other and even at any time to fight, and at this time the children next to them have already cried into tears. The judge had to pick up the child and coax the child while mediating, and the whole process lasted for nearly 2 hours.
Seeing parents fight tit-for-tat is a stress for children, and it may even become a trauma that can never be eliminated. The cow cow in "Little Pain Love" has a violent tendency for a while, and the kindergarten teacher probably speculates about what is wrong with his family, especially what is the emotional problem between his parents.
In recent years, the concept of the original family has become very popular, originally a neutral word, and now when you hear about the original family, you will think of the unfortunate family. Whether it is "All Is Well", "Little Joy" and "Hidden Corner", etc., all show that the influence of the original family is much greater than we think. Those who grew up in a family that "made up for a lifetime together" for their children, grew up with no happiness at all, so they didn't know what happiness really looked like.
But the misfortune of the original family does not mean that you cannot have a healthy, stable, and loving family, and the original family owes you, you have to find it yourself, let alone let it affect the next generation. As long as you are willing to learn and change, nothing is set in stone.
No matter what we've been through in the past, at least we've been trying to be competent parents. But if we even try to change, it will never succeed. As the author of the last chapter of "You Are the Best Toy for Children" said, no parent can become a qualified good parent without going through a tribulation, because raising children is the most difficult job in the world.
At the end of the book, it is given to parents, telling everyone not to forget to raise themselves while raising children, and to leave some time for yourself. When parents do what they love and are passionate about life and work, they are more positive and optimistic, happier and upward, and their children are bound to be affected. Likewise no one wants to see someone who is tired and sad all day, and that certainly includes your child.
So in addition to the busy family and work, leave yourself a little time for yourself. The premise of becoming a good parent is to become a better self first, leaving some space to breathe and learn, in order to progress and think.
Ra Quinoa loves to read: read carefully every day, learn to write every day, and work hard every day to make progress!