The famous writer Gorky once said: "All the glory and pride in the world come from the mother." ”
The mother is the conceiver of the child and the teacher of the child's words and deeds;
Maternal love is a safe island for children and a helper for children to move forward.
So, you know what?
Inappropriate maternal love can hurt the child, especially the following 4 kinds of maternal love, which may bring long-term harm to the child.
Conditional maternal love sows the seeds of inferiority in children
We all know to give our children "unconditional love", but unconsciously, let the mother's love become conditional.
Do you often say this to your child:
"If you don't obey me anymore, I won't like you anymore!"
"If you don't listen carefully, I won't let you go to school!"
"If you make trouble again, I won't want you!"
……
We may be unintentional, but we plant the seeds of "conditionality" in the hearts of children, who question our love for them, believing that only by doing well and obediently will they be loved by their parents.
Not only that, the angry words of adults will make children uneasy, and they will worry about whether their parents really don't like themselves and don't want themselves.
Slowly, the child's psychology begins to change, and they will prove themselves through continuous efforts and achievements,
I thought that only through this way could I get the love of my parents.
Once they encounter difficulties and setbacks, children will have self-doubt and denial, and even self-abandonment, and more seriously, they will end their lives in the rainy season in an extreme way.
In the news, such examples are not uncommon. After the incident, parents regret it, but no matter how self-condemned, they cannot get their children's fresh lives back.
As psychologist Carl Rogers once said, "It's not enough to just love children." We must also love unconditionally, he said, loving themselves, not what they do. ”
Yes, we must love our children themselves unconditionally, and we must let them know that we love them unconditionally.
Motherly love without principles may create someone else's "hell"
Speaking of "unprincipled maternal love", perhaps the first thing we think of is the "Sun Xiaoguo case", and the bad influence of this case has even been filmed into a TV series to warn the public.
Whether it is the prototype of Sun Xiaoguo's mother or the public security bureau chief in the TV series, he did not teach and stop his son's illegal and criminal acts in time, but chose to find ways to use his social relations to help his son get rid of the crime.
The result of this is that the child does not think he has done anything wrong, even if the court sentences him again and again.
His mother's connivance made him feel that he was not wrong, so he made mistakes again and again, so that the crimes he committed were too numerous to describe.
And the victims of the "Sun Xiaoguo case", thinking of what they have experienced, are undoubtedly living in "hell".
Psychologist Adler once said: "Overly favored children are likely to become dangerous people when they grow up, and some of them will even take revenge, pretending to be 'flattering', but privately always looking for opportunities to attack others." ”
It also warns people not to love their children without principle, otherwise the children may end up not in a bright future, but on a criminal path.
For young children, establish principles, let them know that everything should have boundaries, and when children grow up, they will not trample on the bottom line of law and morality.
Over-arranged maternal love will eventually make children lose themselves
Speaking of "over-arranging", many people have something to say, and the major platforms can get people's complaints, and many of these people have become parents.
In order to let their children study well, go to a good university, and have a good future, in addition to studying, some mothers have taken care of all the big and small affairs in their children's lives.
In such a family environment, children do not need to do housework, do not need to buy goods, and do not need to socialize with anyone.
Over time, people who grew up under the over-arranged mother's love, have no self-care ability, do not have their own opinions, gradually lose their independent personality, and eventually, they live to become what their mother wants, but they do not know what they should be.
As adults, they long for freedom, but they feel powerless to break free.
Mrs. Hay, the author of "Love is the Best Recipe," is dedicated to helping families with tic disorder get rid of their troubles, and when she analyzes these "problem families," she once said: "Overly elaborate parenting habits: arranged, restricted, controlled, interfering, etc." ”
"Doing things is a big package for children, including eating and wearing clothes, etc., without giving children the opportunity to try, learn and act on their own." The child's self-development is suppressed. ”
Yang Lan also said: "The biggest success of a mother is to let your child successfully leave you." ”
Self-sacrificing maternal love is blackmail into the feelings of the child
In real life, there are not a few mothers who sacrifice themselves, they are often harsh on their own materials, and all they save is used on their children, and they will often hang on their lips everything they have paid.
They often say to their children:
"I'm giving so much for whom?"
"Who am I to save money for?"
"I don't work in black and white, isn't it all to make your life a little better?"
This kind of self-touching maternal love at the expense of self is a kind of bondage for the child, and it is also an emotional blackmail for the child.
Mothers give their children an overburdened love in a way that they think they are right, and their original intention is beyond reproach, they all want to make their children better.
But in this way, a heavy shackle is placed on the child's heart, and a big stone is also pressed.
Two days ago, I saw a message that a mother complained about her 8-year-old son "white-eyed wolf" and did not know that she was distressed by her mother.
This mother is a typical person who is generous to her children and stingy with herself.
She always wears seemingly comfortable casual clothes and does not seem to have a little spirit; she blames herself because she is sometimes busy at work and has no time to spend time with her children; and she complains because her children do not understand.
We know that a mother without an ego will not be respected and appreciated by her child.
The writer Sara once said in "Special Heart, Special Love": "The love that Chinese parents give to their children is not too little, but too much." And behind every 'miserly' and 'white-eyed wolf' child, there is a pair of parents who are 'begging for food'. ”
The right mother's love should be unconditional and principled.
As Montessori said, "Freedom based on rules is true freedom." ”
May you and I go together, give the child the right maternal love, live a shining mother, and achieve the child's self!