What does it mean for a man to leave? It is more likely that this psychology is at work than the routine

Recently, there is a TV series "Speak Well", which attracts everyone's attention with its unique selling points.

In the play, a couple who have achieved their own small achievements divorced because of misunderstandings, and after several twists and turns, the misunderstandings have been lifted, and both have a new understanding of love.

In the play, Li Hengji, a real estate tycoon played by Wang Yaoqing, started from scratch and called the wind and rain in the mall, but was suddenly notified of divorce by his wife Niu Zhiling (played by Zeng Li), who has been married for more than ten years.

On Li Hengji's long road of chasing his wife, he constantly launched a question to Niu Zhiling:

Obviously starting from scratch and facing suffering together, how can two people suddenly make a fuss about separating when they are both successful in their careers?

Some viewers think that Niu Zhiling, played by Zeng Li, is very good, obviously her husband is smart, considerate, capable, filial piety, and has been married for more than ten years and has always loved her.

No matter what the reason for the divorce, this woman is a sperm of the sperm.

Later plot reveals the reason for Niu Zhiling's divorce, because she knows that her physiological structure is difficult to have children.

And married to her husband for more than ten years without childbearing, afraid of delaying the other party before choosing to use divorce to escape the problem.

In the eyes of others, Niu Zhiling's choice to use the extreme way of divorce to escape feelings is a bit exaggerated just because of a problem that can be solved by communication.

But in reality, there are indeed many people who like to escape in their feelings.

Some people will suddenly withdraw when the ambiguity is extreme; some people will repeatedly avoid giving answers when their feelings need to be confirmed; some people will escape the difficulties in life after determining the relationship.

This type of person will show that they do not want to be dependent, need a lot of space, and sometimes resist showing intimacy in front of outsiders;

Sometimes you will be very distrustful of the relationship, sometimes you will ignore the emotional exchange between you, often do not give a reaction, or often forget what you have said.

When you have the above feelings when you are in contact with a person, you must understand that you are in love with someone who habitually avoids relying on.

And this type of person, there is an academic word to describe, called: avoidant attachment.

01

Why does the other party always want to escape?

People with avoidant attachment characteristics will naturally avoid relationships that they are not familiar with and are not good at, and respond with cold treatment, avoidance, suppression, and indifference.

This is related to the pattern of life they are exposed to after birth, and such children do not receive a timely response and positive feedback after birth.

Because of the long-term neglect of parents, their needs are not met, and therefore they have not perfectly established a relationship with their parents.

In their growth template, when the emotion is established, they only experience being treated with indifference, and they subtly learn this mode of getting along.

Such children are generally forced to learn to take care of themselves before they reach the age of self-care, and when they send emotional needs and dependence to their parents, they are all responded with rejection.

And when they try to explore the world by themselves, the feedback they get is reprimands or scolding from adults.

Over time, they become resistant to intimacy, believing that relying on others and expressing intimacy is a sign of shame.

They long to be loved in their hearts, but on the surface they will be very resistant to intimacy, so they will make a moment of enthusiasm and a moment of indifference, which is an elusive behavior.

And this type of person does not use skills to push and pull at the extreme when dealing with feelings, but simply because they do not have enough confidence to handle a relationship well, so they repeatedly avoid.

Although the heart is eager to get attention, it will doubt the intimate relationship because of the habitual suppression of self-needs.

They believe that only by escaping can we avoid the constant wandering and self-doubt in relationships with others.

Because of the long-term lack of appreciation and support, people with avoidant attachment have difficulty building trust with others and believing that not responding is the most familiar mode of getting along.

This way of getting along with others will be repeated in the first half of their lives, thus forming a habit of belittling and ignoring others.

Some people are accustomed to dealing with people in negative ways such as suppression, raising bars, avoiding, ignoring, etc., because of their deep inner insecurity and low self-esteem.

02

How should the other party deal with it when they want to escape?

There is a female friend who is particularly excellent in all aspects, with high appearance, good education, high salary, and strong ability.

There were many people chasing her, but she only talked about love once and got married and had children.

Because of the distrust of feelings, most people who pursue her can only see her cold and arrogant side, and feel that she is cold and indifferent to anyone.

People who really know her know that because her parents divorced and she was raised by her grandmother, she has a high threshold of trust, so she will not easily try to fall in love.

Some men, who have enough money or power, want to use push-and-pull techniques against her, and show that they are very sought-after in front of her.

She will only think that this man is very unsympathetic to feelings, turn around and blacklist the other party, and will never pay attention to it again.

This kind of trick of wanting to show a mysterious and careless conversation in front of her seemed to her to be only childish and short-choice.

What really touched her was her husband's perseverance, the love of being hit year after year without flinching, and the sincerity and affirmation of sincerity again and again.

When avoidant people get along with people, their instinct is to be distant and cold, because they will be afraid of criticism and evaluation, and they will always be prepared to avoid contact that they do not like.

Avoidant people are very good at guarding against people who "try" to be close to them.

If you behave erratically, but suddenly confess to the other party, because you have shown uncertainty before, the other party will not accept your love and will immediately be cold to you.

03

Getting along with avoidant people is key

For a person who likes to use avoidance to solve problems, the other party's disregard, desire to be alone, and need space are actually an instinctive means of defense to escape from intimacy.

In fact, everyone longs to be close and dependent, because the past failure experience makes the avoidant people afraid to face intimate contact, and their hearts are actually afraid of being denied.

Therefore, intimacy with avoidant people, you can't ask too much that they will give a warm emotional response.

They can gradually develop the habit of intimate interaction, such as adapting to holding hands to adapting to hugging, they need a gradual process, and slow communication to cultivate an interactive mode of getting along.

If the other person strongly shows discomfort, you need to maintain a certain social distance, give the other party time to repair their hearts, and don't let the other person feel constrained.

When the other party cannot give themselves care and love, do not think that the other party does not love themselves to produce such behavior, the other party just does not have the ability to give love action.

The reason why people choose to live in groups is because of our need for each other, there will be dependence when there is a need, and there will be intimacy when there is dependence, which is the emotional need of human beings themselves.

People with intimate needs and people who are afraid of intimate needs need more communication and slow influence to influence each other's perception of the intimate relationship's shame.

After all, everyone must learn to express their needs, but also learn to express themselves correctly and communicate benignly.

Also consider the other party's feelings, do not hurt the other party, expose the shortcomings of the other party, and suppress the self-esteem of the other party.

More recognition, encouragement, and gradual closeness to each other, so that the other party can socialize in a safe and comfortable environment, in order to make the relationship more solid and harmonious.

Author | Yu Bing graduated from Beijing Normal University majoring in finance, has been engaged in the financial industry, and then transferred to the media industry for 3 years, a domestic and foreign film and television analysis researcher, good at thinking about life from watching dramas, as well as exploring realistic emotional values from the current situation of women's existence at home and abroad, deeply inspiring many women to marry and self-improvement.