I confess that I was completely immersed in a fantasy about you: Ulysses - a novel that reached the pinnacle, the pioneering work of stream-of-consciousness, a book that ordinary people can't read... In particular, Joyce's neurotic stream-of-consciousness literature and rebellious artistic temperament make you look at me with such arrogance, sentimentality, and inexplicable, but you seem to always look forward to being read inside.
So, with the evaluation of you by others, I put my enthusiasm into it.
On the afternoon of September 22, I remember clearly that when the sun was shining, I went for you. Hurry to the shelves of thousands of books, and in your mind and eyes, your name is: Ulysses!
At that moment, it was full of the romantic feeling of wishing. thereupon:
Every day, at breakfast, I read you; and you start a new day.
Every day, at rest, I read you; I spend my leisure time with you.
Every day, before the bed, I read you; and you listen to the call of the god of sleep.
For you, I enabled two of my favorite bookmarks;
For you, I bought Narcissus Lilies and Movie Star Rose;
Then, sit down with seriousness and concentration, hoping that you will be able to read your heart.
Although, for the difficulty of reading you, Xiao Qian has already made a serious and detailed explanation in the preface, and the psychoanalyst Karl Jung also commented on you: "Wear out the nerves, too obscure... "When I read it, how complaining, how cursed, and how much I admired you!" ”
Like countless women in the world who fantasize about being the only woman in the world who can change a man, I foolishly believe that I will eventually capture your heart.
But! why? I know every word in it, but I can't read the meaning of the whole sentence? I struggled to figure out an inexplicable word that constituted a sentence that didn't fit the word, and opened the damn note countless times, saying that the word first appeared in the Divine Comedy, or that the word was "original Latin." What am I going to do? In order to understand you, I have to read the Divine Comedy and study the Fa, German, Italian, Western and Norse languages? Do you also include ancient scripts such as Greek, Latin, Hebrew, and Sanskrit?
Are you full of scriptures and quotes from scriptures just to show your talent? But can your ability to remember this bit of memory be compared to the capacity of a computer today?
What's the difference between you muttering to yourself and not talking in front of you, compared to a psychiatric patient? Those mysteries that you have deliberately set up, can't a neurotic patient write a pen? The result is the same anyway, and no one can read it.
You always love to mention Shakespeare. Isn't Hamlet's heart more layered, complex and romantic than yours? The world knows Hamlet, how many people have read Ulysses?
With confusion that I could not let go, I insisted on it one by one, painfully. I don't want to just give up. I imagined that maybe by reading a few more chapters I could open a door, even if I squeezed out a crack in the door. However, countless strange names, various metaphorical titles for the characters, coupled with the dialogue without a single quotation mark in the whole book, you and I... Looking back now, good crash.
Yes, you can say that you are a rebel against traditional fiction, preferring to express yourself in this way. You just stood there silently, not summoning anyone, much less bothered to be understood. Everything was my fault, I was so self-righteous!
After a month of struggling, in the end, I decided: give up! During this time, I also thought that even if I couldn't read it, I would have to read it to the last page, which would be considered to be the end of my wish. Because, I am not a person who starts easily, and I am not a person who gives up easily.
When I repeatedly ask myself: What is the purpose of reading a book?
Most basically, this book creates a good story;
Or, this book can make me feel empathy and have a sense of identity;
Or, this book can give me life and thought answers;
Or, the book looks at the world from a whole new perspective and perspective;
Or, there's always something about this book that makes me gain or grow.
All of this, you, Ulysses, did not give me. I think my cognitive ability is not up to the level of understanding you. Still insisting on not letting go is not good for you or me. Just wait for the person who can read you, and I, continue to look for "him" that I can read.
Reading Ulysses halfway through it was like talking about a wishful love. From the initial joy and anticipation to confusion, struggle, and finally release. Everything is my story alone.
On a rainy night in late autumn, I ran on the cinnamon-filled sandside road. A beating heart that says goodbye to you on the run. This time, instead of ending with reading the last page of a book, let's end it in a different way...
On October 21, 2021, I ran my first 10 kilometers outdoors.
Goodbye, Ulysses. I'm going to find my next book.