"Have you ever imagined what your funeral would be like?"
I've seen a lot of young people answering this question lately, and they're trying to put a fake funeral for themselves for fun. Someone invites strangers at a funeral and doesn't invite family members; There are even people who design the coffin as a spaceship.
Most of these things are on the news, and outsiders are happy to see it, but the people who experience it are pondering.
They said that it was only when the funeral was actually held that they realized that it was not at all the same as the funny occasion they had originally thought of, and the friends who attended would say that they were reluctant to let him go, and they would cry to themselves, and even strangers would shed tears.
Perhaps the most precious thing about a fake funeral is that it gives the person concerned an opportunity to reflect on his current life.
I told my friend Sun Liuxian about this, she is an undertaker, and she said that these young people are very lucky-
Because the funeral is over, these young people can still walk out of the coffin, and everything has not had time to change.
And she also held a funeral for a living person, during which she and the wife of the living person reviewed the life of the couple and reflected on their mistakes.
It's just that when the memories end, the man will actually die.
Probably every mortuary has imagined what he will look like when he dies, and I hope that at my funeral, no one will cry, but they will give me a flower. Finally, it is enough to ask my colleague to draw me a peaceful makeup and bury the ashes under a big tree.
But the longer I have been an undertaker, the more I realize that this is a luxury, and who knows what it will be like when I die?
Not even the man in front of me.
Master and I went to a house in the countryside and met this man. He drank paraquat and lay on the kang as his lover, children, relatives and friends secretly wiped their tears, and watched everyone rush in and out to prepare funeral supplies for him.
Paraquat is a highly toxic pesticide that can be absorbed by the skin, let alone drunk into the stomach. It makes people's lungs fibrous so quickly that they can't breathe. Those who drink it have plenty of time to regret it, but there is no hope of life.
This man can only wait for himself to die little by little, but when he will die, he has no idea at all.
It was the summer of 2016 and I spent 4 days with this man. My task is to keep watch, and when he stops breathing, I'll take care of the aftermath. For nearly 100 hours, I waited for his death, and listened to her and his life from the mouth of his daughter-in-law, who had a small flower tattooed on her wrist.
When the master and I arrived, because we were not sure when the man would be able to breathe, and the funeral home was busy in the summer, the master went back first, and I stayed alone in this stranger's house.
I think the courtyard of this family is quite large, because they have to build a funeral shed for men, and the vegetables in the field are all pulled. In the end, the mourning shed was not erected, and the dishes were blind.
Entering the courtyard from the man's house is a large living room, with east and west rooms on both sides, and the back room of the east and west rooms after the living room.
In the summer, the man was lying on the West Inghouse kang with a breathing machine with him.
He was about fifty years old, not tall, quite white, slightly chubby and a little overbearing. From the kang to the ground is a set of white cabinets, which have a bit of French flavor. In the middle of the cabinet is a dresser with makeup and skincare products on it. The cabinet should be old, slightly peeled and a little yellowish.
The people who came in and out were roughly divided into two groups. A group walked around the courtyard to study how to build a funeral shed, whether the venue was enough to invite the two to turn to the troupe to perform, and some were fiddling with shrouds to see if the size was suitable.
The other group is the people in the house. The women sat on the kang and stacked gold ingots, with cigarettes in their mouths and cross-legged chattering, which made me blush. The men stood and inquired about the paraquat and bragged, comforting the men and daughters-in-law, and giving her the money they had prepared. During this period, the man who was about to die was also lying on the kang.
This room is very clean, and the hostess should be a person who loves cleanliness, but when I look at the man lying on the kang, I think he is nested and buried, and no one has to wipe his face, and his clothes are like work clothes that he picked up, and there is paint on them. I guess he couldn't move, and out of pride, he didn't let people serve him.
Listening to the chatter of the people in the house, I learned that this man's name is Wang Qiang, the only son in the family, once lived to be in his twenties, and it was good to gamble if he didn't go to work, saying that his parents' money was his own money, and his wife's money was also his own, and he could earn some money by playing cards, so he didn't have to go to work.
His father was the village party secretary at that time, and he secretly opened a casino, but as a result, the family reported and exposed, the status of the village party secretary was gone, and the person also suffered a stroke.
At the card table in the village, everyone persuaded Wang Qiang to rein in, but Wang Qiang couldn't listen to it and went to the town to gamble. Soon, he couldn't afford to lose and was approached by creditors. His daughter-in-law at that time had no choice, went back to her parents' house to ask for money, filled up the gambling debts, and also filed for divorce.
is such a single person who messes around every day, in the fall of 1996, he followed his uncle to the construction site. So I got to know my current daughter-in-law.
I heard chattering outside the house that if I hadn't met the current daughter-in-law, Wang Qiang's virtue might have died a long time ago.
But someone immediately answered, saying that it was this woman who made Wang Qiang promising, and later made Wang Qiang unlucky, became a psychopath, and finally drank paraquat because of her.
I listened in the room, and the more I listened, the more ridiculous it became. Is this woman a grandson monkey changed? Let Wang Qiang be out of breath, and let him become neurotic and become neurotic? It's outrageous. But these words aroused my curiosity, and I really wanted to see what this amazing woman was like.
At this time, Wang Qiang, who was lying on the kang, suddenly looked out the window, raised his finger and pointed his finger.
His throat was corroded by paraquat and he was whimpering, and people rushed to call out to Wang Qiang's daughter-in-law and tell her that Wang Qiang had something to say.
Soon, the "little flower" entered the house.
The most striking thing on Wang Qiang's daughter-in-law is her wrist, because there is a small purple flower on it, which should have been tattooed very early, faded, but still piercing. This is a very fashionable woman, dyed red hair, her figure and skin are well maintained, and she looks like a person in her thirties from the back, especially feminine.
I heard them call her Koharu.
Xiaochun entered the room and glanced at Wang Qiang and said, Can't you lie down honestly and not toss? I owe you all the, you should die sooner, and die sooner.
Wang Qiang was obviously unconvinced, closed his eyes and didn't move, he didn't die, he just didn't want to deal with her.
Koharu also stopped talking, turned around and walked out of the house. She didn't seem to have any feelings for Wang Qiang, her face was indifferent, she didn't know, and she thought that paraquat was poured into Wang Qiang's mouth. I was a little curious, so I went out with it, took out a cigarette and handed it to her. I said, will you smoke it? Going to the yard to breathe?
She didn't say anything to me, asked for a lighter, and we went to the courtyard.
In order to get closer to Koharu, I praised her for the beautiful little flowers on her body, what kind of flowers are they, and is there any meaning. Koharu said it was a small wildflower. She smiled at me and said that she was also a wildflower, helpless and no one to hurt.
I said, is Wang Qiang not good to you?
Koharu was silent. I changed the question, isn't it uncomfortable to look at Wang Qiang like this? Xiaochun looked at me, sighed and said, it's not that it's not uncomfortable, it's just that I don't have that deep feelings for Wang Qiang, and I don't love Wang Qiang much.
I went on to say, the people in the village have such a bad impression of Wang Qiang, what do you like about him?
Koharu was silent for a while, and told me that she was looking for someone to rely on, to put it bluntly, she was looking for someone who could protect her.
In 1996, 23-year-old Xiaochun and Wang Qiang met at the construction site. She cooks big pots of rice for workers in the site canteen.
There are women on the construction site, but most of them are pregnant, fat and black, and the young Koharu has been accosted by many men because of this. In order to give them an impression that they are not to be messed with, Koharu tattooed purple flowers on his wrists.
But it's useless, the men are supposed to be what they should be, and they still make yellow jokes. Not only men, but also the eldest sister on the construction site praised Xiaochun for her good looks, big tits and big buttocks, and the child can eat enough. Koharu blushed when she heard this.
One night in the summer, Koharu returns to her place to live, and while changing her clothes and resting, she feels that she is being watched. She looked back and saw that it was the worker who was twisting the rebar, looking at herself through the crack in the door. Koharu lost his temper and opened the door, wanting to scold him for running away.
The moment he opened the door, a strong smell of alcohol rushed in, and then the man followed suit, almost raping Koharu. She took a washboard and slapped people out, didn't dare to sleep anymore, and waited until the morning to buy two locks and put them on the door. After that, she didn't turn on the lights at night when she had nothing to do, and lay in bed in the dark.
Xiaochun chose Wang Qiang to "protect" himself at that time, and he was also a short general.
At first, she found that Wang Qiang was always lazy and loved to borrow money, and she felt that she couldn't do this when looking for a husband. But she observed for a while that there was no other option on the construction site. Wang Qiang is at least single and meets her most basic standards.
She intended to get closer to Wang Qiang. Wang Qiang also began to take the initiative to help her move vegetables to the kitchen. Xiaochun used the work of the canteen to add more dishes to Wang Qiang's meal. After two months of contact, Xiaochun felt that it was almost over, so she picked a big morning and asked Wang Qiang to go to the cafeteria to find her after work in front of others.
Wang Qiang came to the cafeteria to find Xiaochun after work. When other male workers were eating, they also saw that this "little flower" was guarded by someone.
That day, Xiaochun used his own money to buy roast chicken beer for Wang Qiang. The two of them drank until they blushed, and Xiaochun asked, do you want me to be your daughter-in-law?
Wang Qiang smiled and said, yes, with such a good-looking daughter-in-law, let me do anything.
When they sobered up the next day, Wang Qiang and Xiaochun confessed that they had been divorced, but they had no children. Koharu said, I can accept it.
The two were together in the autumn, and Wang Qiang took special care of her, would give her hot water to soak her feet, and took the initiative to hand over her salary to Xiaochun. He asked Koharu to buy some clothes he liked, and if he bought them, he didn't want to spend them. He also became serious on the construction site, and the number of cheating and sliding was significantly reduced.
Xiaochun felt that Wang Qiang was acting so positively, maybe he was afraid that he would run away.
At the end of the year, Wang Qiang asked Xiaochun if he wanted to go home together. Xiaochun told Wang Qiang that she had no home, so she could go home with Wang Qiang for the New Year. So she packed her luggage and followed Wang Qiang to this village, but she didn't expect that it would be half a lifetime.
I don't understand Koharu. She wanted to find someone to protect herself, but why didn't she leave the construction site, or even go to work on the construction site?
Koharu told me that she had never studied and didn't know many words. After her mother died, she ran away from home, not knowing where to go, and worked on the construction site, just because the construction site was in charge of food and shelter, and there was a salary.
"After my mother died, I ran away from home." In just eight words, how much childhood hardship is hidden behind it?
I wanted to ask, but Xiaochun was wary of me, and I couldn't ask either, so I could only listen to her continue to talk about Wang Qiang, who was lying on the kang at the moment and was about to die.
Xiaochun told me that when she first followed Wang Qiang home, she passed by a large bazaar selling everything. She said that Wang Qiangren was very good at that time, and took her around, and the more she walked, the more things in their hands there were. Wang Qiang bought her alabaster and a new wooden comb.
In the middle, Wang Qiang also asked her to dye her hair.
When she finished dyeing, Wang Qiang came back with some dried fruits and stove fruit oil tea noodles in his hand. Koharu asked him, did you buy it for your mother? Wang Qiang said that he bought it for her, and it would be difficult to come to the town when he went home later, and there was nothing good to eat in the village commissary, for fear that she would be hungry at night.
In the afternoon, Wang Qiang found a car to take Xiaochun home. deliberately got off at the entrance of the village, and the two walked back with a bunch of luggage.
This incident became explosive news in the village, and people stood outside the gate of Wang Qiang's house and looked into the courtyard.
Wang Qiang's mother thought that Xiaochun was a girl in the city, held Xiaochun's hand and asked about the basic situation, and then felt very distressed, saying that Xiaochun was also a hard-working child. She gave Xiaochun a thousand yuan, which was considered a bride price, and gave Xiaochun the only gold earring, telling her to control Wang Qiang.
Xiaochun thinks that Wang Qiang has performed very well in the past few months.
But my mother-in-law said that you can't just look at what you are looking at in front of you, people will change.
After the Lunar New Year in 1997, Xiaochun and Wang Qiang walked into the door of the Civil Affairs Bureau and received a marriage certificate. Koharu bought a new red cotton jacket with a small flower embroidered on it. The wedding was held in the mother-in-law's courtyard, with a table, carpet, and tables and chairs to entertain the guests, but the courtyard was not full.
The village knew that Wang Qiang was going to remarry, but they were not optimistic about this marriage, and all kinds of sarcastic words were passed around, saying that Xiaochun and Wang Qiang would have to break up within a year.
The young couple went to the construction site after the wedding. Before leaving, Xiaochun's mother-in-law repeatedly told Wang Qiang that he must listen to Xiaochun.
In the days of the construction site, because Wang Qiang was by his side, no one harassed Xiaochun anymore.
When they returned home at the end of the year, Wang Qiang and Xiaochun built a new house for their mother-in-law, and their homes were also scraped again, the cement floor was replaced with pale pink tiles, and the kang mats were also replaced with new ones. Wang Qiang's mother cried, saying that her son was really sensible this time and knew that he had a good life.
Xiaochun told me about this, the sky was getting dark, and the people around Wang Qiang's house were almost gone.
Koharu asked me what I wanted to eat, and I said I could do it. She made pancakes and fried shredded potatoes and shredded meat.
As I ate, I learned more about the two couples in front of me, but I also had some confusion, such as, why did Wang Qiang suddenly get better?
A person is like that in his twenties, just because he married a beautiful daughter-in-law, he got rid of the bad habit he developed when he was a child? Maybe because that time was the period of love between the two, many contradictions were hidden, or maybe the current Koharu simply forgot about it. When looking back at the good times, everyone habitually remembers the good things and forgets the bad things.
For no reason, I always recall the words of Granny Koharu's mother-in-law, "People change." ”
After eating, I went into the house to see Wang Qiang again, he had no energy for the afternoon, every breath was extremely laborious, I didn't know if I could survive the night. Xiaochun sat in the courtyard and ate, occasionally glancing in Wang Qiang's direction, his eyes swept over without the slightest stop.
Obviously, the memories that Xiaochun told me are all good, why is this attitude now, and what happened to the two later?
After dinner, Koharu and I sat in the living room, each with a handful of peanuts. While listening to the story, I paid attention to Wang Qiang's movements.
In 1999, Koharu was preparing a big pot of rice at the construction site as usual. There was meat scrap in the dish, and Koharu vomited as soon as he smelled it. After two days in a row, and two months without menstruation, she found a clinic to secretly check and confirm that she was pregnant.
Wang Qiang was so excited that his head slammed against the wall, and repeatedly asked Xiaochun if it was real? He immediately wanted to buy a ticket for Xiaochun, and asked her to go home first and tell her mother that she would go to a big hospital for an examination, and that she would raise the fetus at home if there was no problem, and when the construction period was over, he would go home to accompany Xiaochun.
But later, Xiaochun still stayed at the construction site with Wang Qiang on his stomach. Wang Qiang's statement is that he is afraid that Xiaochun will take the car home by himself and knock it.
At the beginning of 2000, Xiaochun gave birth to a big fat boy, she didn't expect that Wang Qiang, who looked very heartless, would be more attentive to bringing the child than her.
During confinement, Xiaochun's dirty clothes, dirty pants, and children's urine pads were all washed by Wang Qiang. There are few men in the countryside who serve women, but even after confinement, Wang Qiang is still like that. He only works around his home, and when he comes back from work, he also takes care of the children, and when he passes through the town, he also brings some fruit and snacks to Xiaochun to make her happy.
After another half a year, Wang Qiang wanted to do business, and a friend said that there were prospects in the south, so he wanted to go to the south to break through. Xiaochun agreed, but the child was still young, and she couldn't go with her, so she asked Wang Qiang to take the money home on a monthly basis, and she was responsible for taking care of the children and the elderly at home.
Wang Qiang went to the south and became a small package foreman, commanding this and that, and handing over all the money he earned. Every time he went home, he brought things for Koharu and his son, and told Koharu that it was a pity not to go there together.
But Wang Qiang went out to earn money, and Xiaochun's life in the village was not so good.
Some people have good things, seeing that Wang Qiang didn't take Xiaochun away when he went out, he asked Xiaochun's mother-in-law to watch her closer, such a good-looking daughter-in-law, don't run away with anyone while Wang Qiang is not at home. Xiaochun's mother-in-law said no, Xiaochun is not that kind of child, and she understands her daughter-in-law.
When SARS broke out in 2003, Wang Qiang was trapped in the south. When she went home again, her mother-in-law was worried that the two would get together less and leave more, and wanted Xiaochun to go out to work with Wang Qiang. Xiaochun said that if you want to go, you have to take the child with you, and I am reluctant to leave the child at home. Wang Qiang's mother stopped talking.
I understand the reason why Koharu said this, after all, she has lacked the love of her parents since she was a child, and she doesn't want her children to be separated from their parents again.
But when he said it, it was as if he didn't want to reunite with Wang Qiang.
Such days lasted until February 2006, when Wang Qiang had an accident.
The real boss on the construction site ran away with the money, and Wang Qiang was detained by the workers and asked to settle his wages.
Forced to do nothing, he called home, and the family's money was simply not enough to fill the hole, so he came up with a bold plan to sell the house.
Xiaochun was quite resistant, but he also knew that Wang Qiang was embarrassed. So he sold the house and took the money and went straight to the south to redeem Wang Qiang. That summer, Wang Qiang wore a vest, big pants, hairpin and a pair of broken slippers, dragged pots and pans, and took Xiaochun back to his parents' house to live. But within a year, Wang Qiang went to prison.
In the middle of the night that day, Xiaochun received a call from the police station, saying that Wang Qiang was suspected of drug trafficking and refused to confess.
She rushed to the police station and saw Wang Qiang slumped in a chair, smelling of alcohol. Koharu asked what was going on. Mr. Wang said he didn't know either, and the police said he had drugs in his bag. She shook Wang Qiang's mouth a few times, pulled his neck and shouted: "What the hell is going on, you make it clear to the old lady, if it's okay, the old lady will take you home!" ”
Wang Qiang said hesitantly that the boss had been persuading him to drink, and then gave him a schoolbag, saying that it was in arrears. He deliberately opened his schoolbag to see that it was money, not drugs.
Later, the boss dragged him to a song hall to play, and when he came out of the song hall, he ran to the police station in a daze, and people said that he had drugs in his bag, and he didn't know where the drugs came from.
Xiaochun told the police that Wang Qiang couldn't do drug trafficking, and he didn't have that brain. As a result, the police said that Wang Qiang had accomplices and stayed next door, and they bit Wang Qiang to death for participating in drug trafficking. Koharu slapped the table and shouted, wanting to see his accomplices and ask what was going on.
Through a door, the police didn't let Koharu see him.
Xiaochun didn't even want to make a face, sat on the ground with his ass, and made a big fuss at the police station. This woman, who originally wanted to seek protection, now risked her life to protect Wang Qiang. She yelled and threw herself at the police station.
Later, an old policeman came out of the house, who was a friend of Wang Qiang's father. He picked up Koharu and persuaded her to go home first. But Xiaochun didn't leave, until he tossed Xiao Bansu, his throat was hoarse, and he could only go home exhausted.
Wang Qiang was detained and awaiting the court's verdict.
During that period, Wang Qiang's father couldn't accept the blow and left within a few days. Xiaochun and Wang Qiang's mother led the child to see him, because Wang Qiang was not sentenced and never saw him.
It took two years of detention before Wang Qiang's case was sentenced. During this period, her mother was blind because of the fire, and she missed Wang Qiang, so she also passed away.
Koharu and his son are left at home. Xiaochun wanted to take his son to the prison to see Wang Qiang, but he never saw it.
With no savings at home and no mother-in-law to help her, Koharu can only earn money to take care of her son. She no longer goes to the barbershop, buys dye cream and dyes her hair, and chooses cheap clothes.
Facing the empty home, Xiaochun didn't feel good in her heart, and at that moment she felt how much she hoped for Wang Qiang to go home. After living together all these years, plus the birth of a child, there is no love and family affection.
It's dark, and the guests are gone. Koharu and I were chatting in the courtyard, and suddenly, I saw a figure outside the courtyard wall, as if someone was peeking in. Before I could say anything, Koharu waved his hand, meaning that I didn't have to care.
She said that she was used to it, and when Wang Qiang was there, these people would not stop.
Long before Wang Qiang was imprisoned, there were men in the village who were worried about her. Especially the man in the East Courtyard, when it comes to relatives, Wang Qiang has to call this man brother-in-law.
A few times Koharu was working in the yard and found her brother-in-law staring at her with squinting eyes. As soon as Xiaochun told Wang Qiang, Wang Qiang picked up the kitchen knife and was going to clean him up. Koharu said forget it, it's good to say something unpleasant.
With Wang Qiang in prison, the old people in the family passed away one after another, and Xiaochun lived the life of an orphan and a widow. In the summer, she built a bathroom with her own hands, threw a bag of water on top of the small wooden house, and connected the shower inside, so that she could bathe in the water during the day and take a bath at night. As a result, Koharu found out that her brother-in-law was okay and peeked.
Once my brother-in-law came over the wall and knocked on Koharu's door, saying that the pumping well was broken, and asked her to borrow some water. As soon as the door opened, he threw himself at Koharu. Koharu struggled to break free, and a big force threw him over.
The man covered his face and ran away. The matter was revealed, and the eldest sister of the East Courtyard actually scolded Xiaochun, saying that she was cheap. Xiaochun was aggrieved and shed tears on the kang.
While serving his sentence, Xiaochun went to visit Wang Qiang every once in a while, and found that Wang Qiang's voice was getting quieter and quieter. In fact, there is supervision by the side, and the couple can't say anything, that is, they want him to fight for a commutation of his sentence, eat well, and the family is all good. Wang Qiang's face was expressionless, and he said, "Just be good", and he was silent.
Once, she asked Wang Qiang how he was there?
The regulator looked up at her, Wang Qiang glanced at the regulator in fear, and then handed Xiaochun a meaningful look.
She knew that she had said the wrong thing, and she could guess that Wang Qiang must be having a bad time.
During the visit, Wang Qiang's words became less and less, and the whole person became more and more unenergetic, and he didn't even say a word, just looked at Xiaochun until the end of the visiting time.
Without Wang Qiang, the women who love to chew the root of their tongues often scold Xiaochun behind their backs. At one point she couldn't resist fighting a woman, but she was no match for her, and a lot of her hair was pulled off. When she got home, she could only vent by smoking and drinking, and she hoped that Wang Qiang would go home early.
Hearing this, I felt a little frizzy in my heart. Xiaochun seems to have been drifting with the crowd all his life, except for the first time when he met Wang Qiang to take the initiative, he seems to have always been passive.
Wang Qiang wanted to go back to the countryside, so she followed back to live in the countryside; Wang Qiang wants to go to the south to earn money, so she takes care of the children at home; When Wang Qiang went to prison, she stayed in an empty house and waited day after day.
I changed the subject and asked her how she had escaped from home.
Koharu seemed to be reminiscing about the events of his previous life, and after a long time, he finally mustered up the courage to open his mouth.
Koharu's childhood was switched back and forth between the "wine field" and the "battlefield".
Every evening, her mother took her to the dance hall, where she witnessed her hugging other men, sitting in the arms of other men, smoking and drinking. My mother didn't drink well and vomited when she couldn't drink much, but she still got drunk every day and took her home in the middle of the night.
Every time her father saw it, he scolded her mother, and when she was in a hurry, she would do it. Every time her parents quarreled, she covered her ears and hid and cried. Under the table, in the closet, is her hiding place.
Such days continued until the death of the mother. The father took a train ticket and threw Koharu to his grandmother's house. There, the two uncles were wary of her, fearing that she would divide the family property, and another ticket would return her to her father. She was like a returned cargo, evicted back and forth by two families.
Koharu also fantasizes about the days when he returns to his father's side, and fantasizes that there will be a home there. But when her father drank too much, he beat Xiaochun and let her die with her mother.
In the winter of 1993, Koharu got a boyfriend and ran away from home with him. When the two lived together for more than a month, her boyfriend brought back a friend. At the dinner table, the friend looked at her with squinting eyes and touched her. Koharu patted it, thinking that her boyfriend could stop it, but he didn't see it.
That night, this man defiled her in front of Koharu's boyfriend. The boyfriend watched and didn't stop it. Afterwards, the two men were actually chatting about selling her. Koharu lay down and pretended to be asleep, listened to them and fled, and since then she has had to work on the construction site, where there is food and shelter.
Koharu remembered that on the day she ran away from home, she packed her bags and said I'm leaving. Her father sat in the house, not asking her where she was going, and said nothing.
Later, she told me that maybe her father would stay that day, even if it was just to say something, and she might have stayed.
I was so shocked that I couldn't speak for a long time, and finally understood why Xiaochun had been waiting for Wang Qiang. She longed so much for a home, something she had never really had in the first twenty years of her life.
No matter how dilapidated and unseemly it is, she wants to keep this home on her own, and I even guess that if she is given another chance, she will not run away from the original home at all.
Much later, whenever I think back to Koharu, I always find it difficult to make a simple conclusion about what happened to her. said that she always pinned her hopes on others, and she was angry, but no one taught her how to do it since she was a child. Danger is always coming, what else can she do?
It's just that whenever I think about the aftermath, I wonder if it's really worth suffering this sin for the sake of a longing home.
On the day Wang Qiang was released from prison, Xiaochun bought a table of good wine and food. But Wang Qiang seems to be a different person, he doesn't laugh, and he doesn't care about Xiaochun. Xiaochun rides a battery car every day, pulling Wang Qiang to relax. She chatted with Wang Qiang while riding, and talked a lot, Wang Qiang said, it's enough to wander around, can you go home?
Wang Qiang went home, sat on the ground and asked: "I have been in for so many years, do you have any other thoughts, are you sorry for me?" ”
Over the years, rumors have been circulating in the village, saying that Xiao Chunfeng is in a hurry and hooking up with the village masters.
Xiaochun knew that Wang Qiang felt awkward. She said, if I'm sorry for you, I wouldn't be here today.
Wang Qiang didn't speak again, but when Xiaochun went to work in the field, he stood behind him and stared at her, drank too much, and went to pick up Xiaochun's pants regardless of the time and occasion, and said that he wanted to see who had stabbed her. As long as Koharu refuses, he will smash the pot and scold.
The most outrageous time, Xiao Wang Qiang was drunk and dazed, standing at the door of the back room, he suddenly grabbed Xiao Chun's hair, stripped her naked, pressed her into the hot water, and asked while pressing, is it a trick of Xiao Chun and that bastard that he went to prison? Before going to the south, did Koharu get along with that bastard? In the end, he tricked him into selling the house, saw him in the way and locked him in?
Xiaochun suspects that Wang Qiang is mentally ill, but she has no money to go to the hospital, and the money she earns is for her son to study.
But Wang Qiang became more and more crazy, and even chased Xiaochun with a kitchen knife to chop. She had no choice but to send her child away and stay alone in this horrible home.
In the years of waiting, Xiaochun didn't think about leaving, and looked forward to Wang Qiang coming back and living a good life for the family of three. I didn't expect it to be such an ending, the feelings that I had saved up bit by bit, and the desire for this home, with Wang Qiang's smashing, were a little bit worse.
At noon on the fourth day of my house at Wang Qiang's house, he pointed to the window again, whimpered and spoke, which translates to mean that he is going to die, and he saw his parents waiting for him at the door with an ox cart, and said that he should not die at home, let everyone carry him away, for fear that Xiaochun will never dare to live with his family in the future.
When this man was dying, he finally regained a little care for Koharu.
Xiaochun still looked indifferent, but she couldn't help but come to Wang Qiang's side, held his hand and said, if you can't stand it, go ahead, and be relieved when you leave. Tears also fell as he spoke.
I contacted the master and said that Wang Qiang might not be able to do it, so let's pick it up.
She asked me, who is Wang Qiang? It took her a moment before she remembered the man.
Not long after the phone call, Wang Qiang breathed.
We took Wang Qiang back to the unit, but Xiaochun was scared, so he still followed. I changed into my work clothes, began to bow three times, and told Wang Qiang that he had suffered and that he had gone all the way. Then I bathed Wang Qiang, it was a hot day, he was quite fresh when he first came, and it didn't take long for him to stink, and everything went according to normal: washing his hair, washing his body, cutting his nails, sealing his mouth, and getting dressed.
Unlike other deceased people I have come into contact with, he has a shriveled and thin face because he can't eat because of paraquat, his eyes are dark and blue, his lips are purple, and to say something presumptuous, I think Wang Qiang at this moment looks like a zombie.
Wang Qiang needed to stop waiting for the cremation, and Xiaochun would sometimes sit for a while, sometimes sit and smoke cigarettes, and I went over to talk to her, and finally learned why Wang Qiang drank paraquat.
That night, Wang Qiang's old friend came to visit him, met Xiaochun at the door, and just said hello, Wang Qiang rushed out of the house, took a wooden stick, and raised his hand to beat someone. He glared and gasped, kicked his old friend, and said that his friend's wife should not be bullied. His old friend was stunned and asked him what he was talking about.
Xiaochun has been holding back Wang Qiang.
After the old friend left, Wang Qiang said without a good face, he learned to protect the calf, right, he thinks that people are rich and live with others. He dropped everything he could fall, and he said in his mouth that if he married Xiaochun, he would have bad luck, and it was all Xiaochun's fault, and Xiaochun restrained him.
Xiaochun couldn't bear it, she also smashed things, and scolded him, saying that she hadn't taken a fancy to Wang Qiang from the beginning, and for almost twenty years, she hadn't loved Wang Qiang for a day, just so that someone could protect her at the construction site back then.
The two smashed in the East House, startling the child. Koharu is going out with the child.
Wang Qiang gasped and shouted in the house, if you dare to leave today, I won't live.
Xiaochun didn't look back, and took the child to the village store, wanting Wang Qiang to calm down alone.
Unexpectedly, Wang Qiang saw a bottle of paraquat next to the stove, so he locked the courtyard door, unscrewed it and drank it. After drinking, his stomach hurt, he regretted it, and wanted to find someone to save him, so he endured the pain and walked to the hospital. The neighbor saw Wang Qiang lying on the ground holding his stomach and quickly called an ambulance.
The hospital in Shenyang treated him for a few days and asked them to take Wang Qiang home, which meant that they could not be cured, so they could only go home and wait for death.
Wang Qiang didn't wear shoes when he left, and the countryside said that this is called wearing small shoes, and he hated this person to wear shoes.
I asked Koharu if she wore it? She said no.
When I was applying makeup to Wang Qiang with my master, Xiaochun said to me, why are you cleaning up for him so well? It's all a waste of time.
She said, but her eyes never left Wang Qiang for a moment, I looked through her, and it seemed that what I saw was not a zombie-like man, but the Wang Qiang when the two were in love.
She cried again. I think she is not only crying Wang Qiang, but also crying that she is finally free.
Xiaochun said that she is now Wang Qiang when she closes her eyes, and there are Wang Qiang's good to her, and there are nightmares. She didn't dare to go home and was scared to stay at the funeral home, so I accompanied her and asked her why she didn't get a divorce.
She said that the divorce was embarrassing, and she didn't know how to read, and the words she knew in the past few years were taught by her son. She also didn't want her son to be without parents.
I said have you thought about it, what you said you didn't want your son to lose, but in fact, your son has already lost it.
I said that you are still young, and you will look for good things in the second half of your life. She said she wouldn't look for it, she didn't understand it in her life, she ran away from home at the beginning because she was angry with her father, and wanted her father to care about her, so she put herself in. After following Wang Qiang in a daze, he wanted to live a good life, and finally ended up like this.
She felt that she had cheated herself and deserved these sins.
At first, I didn't understand Xiaochun's choice, and I was afraid that I would be bullied, so I casually arrested Wang Qiang to get married. But then I looked at it slowly, I actually empathized with her, when she was a child, there was no one to guide her, she longed for love, and if someone treated her better, she left with this person, not to mention that Wang Qiang used to be so good to her.
In her concept, no matter how difficult it is, she can't divorce, she can't let her son lose the love of his parents like her, and she can't break up the family. But invisibly, she didn't want her son to lose, and in the end she lost it, she was imprisoned by her own ideas and thoughts.
Until now, this marriage ended in a tragic failure, and Koharu began to resent himself at the beginning.
What she said in front of me reminded me of my own failed marriage. I was facing a man who gambled, looked for money from a young lady, and needed to pay off my debts, and he made me miserable, I had to work every day, I had to pay off my debts, and I had to face a woman who didn't know where to go, but I still didn't want to divorce, I felt that it was my failure.
I couldn't sleep all night, smoked and drank constantly, got tattoos twice for three days, and used various methods to punish myself who was blind.
It wasn't until I made up my mind to divorce that I realized much later that there was no need for those self-torture, pain and remorse—
There are no good choices in the predicament, only the bad and the worse. Be forgiving and forgive your past self.
I asked Xiaochun again, these things are over, where are you going to take your son? Koharu didn't speak, just stunned and stunned.
In the blink of an eye, in the autumn, when I was working, I happened to pass by Koharu's village again, and suddenly found that Koharu's house had changed its appearance and turned into a two-story villa.
I inquired, Koharu left, and when he left, no one in the village knew about it, and it was only when he saw that the house was rebuilt, and he knew that he had changed the owner. Up to that moment, there were still women spitting on it, saying, "The scourge is gone, and the village is quiet."
I really want to grab her by the collar and ask her, who is the scourge?
I think Koharu left was the right choice, but I don't know if there will be a chance to meet her again.
In 2021, I walked around the shopping mall and found a newly opened Malatang restaurant, where I saw a familiar figure, it was Koharu.
I secretly looked at her, the business in the store was very good, she was busy and her mental state was much better. At Wang Qiang's funeral, she was tired and her eyes were empty, but now she is in a good mental state, she still has red hair, her skin is well maintained, and there is light in her eyes.
She's still so beautiful, I can't help but sigh. How good is this, she doesn't rely on anyone, this time she can really find herself and live the life she wants. Just like me, I finally got a brave divorce and didn't resent myself who chose to endure the predicament.
I met my current husband and got the days I wanted.
I wish her better and better in my heart, and I hope that she will go to a better environment without having to meet bad people, showing the little flower tattooed on her hand.
After reading this story, I remembered a short story I had read, about a blind girl who was terminally ill and knew that she would not live long, so she carried out a series of transformations on her granddaughter.
The grandmother first shaved off her granddaughter's hair, changed her into a boy's clothes, then tied her chest with a cloth, taught the girl to urinate standing up, and forced her to remember how many steps from her house were in every place in the village.
Grandma knew that only by doing this could this blind granddaughter live.
In Koharu's childhood, there was not a single such character. No one told her how to live, how to grow, how to protect herself. So a girl in her early twenties, who goes to work on a construction site just because she is in charge of food and shelter, encounters violence, and the first thing that comes to mind is to find a protector instead of calling the police, or to flee there as soon as possible.
Her whole life has been spent looking for support, and all her actions are to find a way out under the protection of others. She longs for a home so much that even if it is broken, she has to sew and mend it, which is perhaps the biggest reason why she does not dare to run away from this marriage.