Marriage Counseling: A cold wife, the hidden trauma behind the rejection of sex

Hear about psychological counseling

2024-06-25 16:11Posted on the official account of Guangdong Hearing Bar Psychological Counseling

Due to the influence of traditional culture, "sex" is still a relatively obscure topic in the mainland, and many women dare not talk about sex with their partners in marriage, do not know how to please men, and do not know how to communicate with their partners when their sex life is not harmonious.

What should be done when the couple's sex life is not harmonious, one partner is frigid, and the other partner is not satisfied? Teacher Li Jianxue, an expert in sexual psychology counseling, will guide you on how to improve this unspeakable important issue when the wife is frigid.

Li Jianxue

Hear about it, the chief expert of the Psychological Counseling Center

Member of the Psychological Counselor Professional Committee of Guangdong Mental Health Association

Senior Marriage Counselor

Senior Family Education Instructor

Sexual Psychology Counselor

Senior hypnotist

Mr. Cheung and his wife were married seven years ago after three years of dating, and now have a six-year-old son. Both of them have bachelor's degrees and met and fell in love because they worked in the same company. After marriage, his wife is still working in the original unit, and his husband came out to start his own company, and now his career has achieved a small success.

In the eyes of outsiders, their family of three is already very happy, and even colleagues and friends regard them as a model couple, and the wife also feels very satisfied, only the husband has bitterness in his heart and can't say it.

When the couple first consulted, Mr. Zhang went straight to the point with some anxiety and said that his wife was frigidity and wanted help. The wife immediately answered, indicating that she was fine, and asked rhetorically, "I don't want children again, is sex so important?" Does no sex kill people? ”

 01 

 Sexual counselors understand the basic situation of couples 

Mr. Zhang then introduced their general situation.

Mr. said that he doesn't remember when the sex life was recently, only that in the past five years, his wife has been very resistant to sex, although she was rejected at first, she would complain about it, and occasionally allowed it once in a few months, but slowly I don't know why my wife is more and more resistant to sex, whether he is soft grinding or hard foaming, his wife is uncompromising, and even hurts people, or says that she doesn't want children anymore, what do you do to make it dirty; Or maybe I'm not your sexual tool, why do you always bother me? They will even say that if you have the ability, you can go outside to find it, etc.

In order to defend his sexual rights, the husband quarreled, quarreled, and had a cold war, but all of this was useless in the face of his wife's insistence. As time passed, I don't know when the master bedroom slowly became the domain of the wife and son, and the husband slept in the guest room.

In the separate consultation session, Mr. said that he had thought of divorce when he was uncomfortable, but his wife was impeccable in all other aspects except for the reluctance to have sex, and she contributed 200,000 yuan to her younger brother to build a house; Her sister found a job, introduced a boyfriend, and got married. Five years ago, when my mother was suffering from cancer, she sought medical advice and took care of her, and before leaving, my mother took his hand and said that his wife was a rare good daughter-in-law, and he must treat her well.

Mr. is very conflicted now, divorced, reluctant to wife's virtuousness, reluctant to destroy such a good home; No, as a man, he can't enjoy basic sexual rights, and he is in a panic.

Therefore, today he tried his best to bring his wife to the marriage psychological consultation, hoping that the psychologist would help open the knot.

 02 

 Excessive worry and fear, leading to loss of libido 

It turned out that her husband refused to use condoms during sex, so she had two abortions before marriage, and another one half a year after giving birth, and she felt that these three abortions hurt her body a lot.

Five years ago, her mother-in-law died of cervical cancer, and at that time, in order to help her mother-in-law treat, she checked relevant information on the Internet, and learned that too much sex, too frequent, too chaotic, too much reproduction, especially abortion, will cause physical damage, which is an important cause of gynecological diseases and cancer.

Thinking of her previous abortion experience, she also made a special trip to the hospital to do relevant examinations, and was found to have inflammation at that time, and it took a period of medication to cure.

Since then, she has gradually developed a sense of rejection of sex, and at the beginning of rejection, she occasionally felt pain in sex due to vaginal dryness, she was more worried about physical injury, and later rejected sex. She felt that it was good that she had not had sex in the past few years, and she didn't feel the need for sex at all, and she didn't have to worry about any diseases.

She also said that her husband slept in the guest room, and she felt really comfortable sleeping with her fleshy son in her arms, and slept very soundly.

It's just that the husband will annoy her when he needs it, and he will show her face, which makes her feel a little uncomfortable. She also thought about letting her husband find other women outside to solve it, she felt that as long as her husband didn't bring the women outside home, didn't take care of them for a long time and transferred his emotions to other women, just to solve the physical needs of sex, she felt that no matter what kind of woman her husband was looking for, she was completely acceptable.

She also said these things to her husband, but he didn't seem to listen to him, and always wanted to annoy her, she couldn't meet his request, and he sometimes lost his temper for no reason. All of this also made her very distressed.

As the consultation deepened, the couple gradually understood that the wife had amplified her worries and fears about unplanned pregnancy and illness because of her past miscarriages, mother-in-law's illness, and her own gynecological inflammation, as well as the selective absorption of negative information on the Internet.

 03 

 Psychosexual treatment program 

In view of the current situation of the wife, after discussing with the couple, a two-month counseling plan was formulated.

The early stage of counseling is mainly to guide couples to study together, understand the relevant knowledge of sexual physiology, sexual psychology, and safe contraception, increase the couple's scientific understanding of sexuality, eliminate the fear of unplanned pregnancy and sexual illness and injury, and adjust and change some prejudices in the wife's perception of sexual life. Let couples know that a harmonious sex life is not only pleasant for the body and mind, but also a good health care product for fitness and strengthening.

Then it is recommended that couples watch designated film and television materials and passion films together in an intimate, private and safe environment, and bring in the imaginary characters while watching.

Then the husband and wife exchanged their feelings in a timely manner, and exchanged the feelings of the characters with each other. Intuitively let couples feel sexual pleasure, understand the importance of sex in the couple's life, learn sex skills, learn more about each other's feelings and feelings, and mobilize each other's emotions and passions.

After a period of counseling, couples also understand that beautiful sex can be both a pas de deux and a solo dance, and that enjoying sexual pleasure is an ability, and each has a responsibility and obligation to take responsibility for each other's sexual pleasure.

After understanding this, I gave my wife homework and asked her to soothe her body every day, be aware of the sensations of different parts of the body, explore her sensitive points, and then stimulate herself with passion films, so that she could fully enjoy the passion and pleasure of solo dancing.

 04 

 A change in sexual attitudes brings about changes in the relationship between husband and wife 

As the wife's concept changes, the relationship between the husband and wife is also improving, and the wife feels that the husband is more caring, considerate and loves herself more than in the past. After discussion, both of them adopted contraceptive measures that were acceptable to both sides.

In the subsequent husband and wife training, the two of them were required to watch passion movies in a feeling full of love, while the characters were brought in, while exchanging feelings, comforting each other, letting sex happen naturally, and letting each other enjoy the burning passion of male and female love.

The two-month consultation passed quickly, and the last time Mr. and Mrs. Zhang came over, they walked into the consultation room holding hands.

The first thing they told me was that they had followed my advice and let my son sleep in his room. Now they both feel good about their sex life, and the husband also said that once his wife took the initiative to ask for it, which made him particularly touched.

Due to the improvement of the couple's sex life, they both feel that the husband and wife are now more loving and the family is happier.

In the case of sexual psychology counseling received by Mr. Li Jianxue, different couples have different troubles, and the importance of sex life to marriage is different for everyone.

Some women crave fatherly affection from their husbands, or they have a low desire for sex, and sex a few times a month or once a few months does not make her feel painful; And some women have a higher sexual desire and higher requirements for the quality of sexual life, and disharmony in sexual life often brings a crisis to their marriage.

When a person has a physical need for sex, but it is difficult to get satisfaction from his partner for a long time, the pain in his heart is like walking in the desert, the reserve of water has been drunk, the thirst is unbearable, the water is urgently needed but cannot be obtained, the heart is extremely anxious, desperate, every step is torment.

Therefore, if one of the spouses feels that their sexual life is not harmonious, both spouses need to pay attention to this aspect, and seek the help of a professional psychotherapist if necessary to make timely adjustments and improvements.

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