Chatting with the opposite sex not only determines whether you are a person of the same frequency, but also determines whether you have the possibility of continuing to develop.
Therefore, in the face of the person we like, we all want to show ourselves through chatting, in-depth communication, enhance understanding, and let the relationship heat up quickly.
It's a pity that many people belong to the topic terminator, and before the love starts, they die directly because they have nothing to say.
1. Many feelings die from "not being able to speak"!
Not all high-frequency chats can go both ways, and many meaningless, contentless, and in-depth conversations will accelerate the rhythm of your be.
I don't know if you've ever had this situation, but you obviously like each other very much, and you have a lot of things to say, and you're also curious about him and want to know more about him.
However, as soon as you enter the communication scene, you can immediately make the scene embarrassing and directly talk to death.
I had this problem when a friend was on a blind date. He said that he fell in love with the girl at first sight, but the more he tried to behave well, the less he could speak.
First of all, he made an inappropriate joke and praised the other party for looking like he was in his twenties, only to forget that the girl was already in her twenties.
Later, I directly checked the household registration and asked the other party about my job, education, and family, and the girl showed that she was not very happy.
As I heard it, I found that my friend's big taboo in chatting was that he kept talking about very frivolous and boring topics.
Finally, the girl finally wanted to get to know him, and the girl asked him, "Are you satisfied with your current job?" ”
As a result, my friend said, "Well, it's good, nothing dissatisfied!" Directly ended the topic in a second, and the chat entered an impasse.
2. Why is it difficult for you to talk to the person you like?
In fact, many people don't want to talk, they don't know how to talk, and they don't know how to talk.
They usually have two problems with their chats:
1. The chat method lacks malleability, that is, the topic of conversation is very superficial, and then it stops abruptly, and there is no follow-up digging.
For example, the topic will not be opened, so that the conversation between two people cannot continue.
He said, "Are you a little tired?" You say, "Well, yes, a little tired!" ”
He said, "You look a little unhappy! You say, "No, I'm fine!" ”
There is a kind of topic terminator, that is, you are seriously answering, and you are also serious about leaving the other person with nothing to say.
2. Constantly looking for words, inopportune humor, and unnutritious content make the chat a hard and embarrassing chat.
For example, you say some incomprehensible jokes, which will make the other person so embarrassed that they pick their toes.
He said, "Do you think I've lost weight?" You say, "You've lost weight, but you've also grown ugly and old!" ”
For another example, chatting stays at the level of eating and drinking, and does not rise to the spiritual level, and you can't talk about deep feelings for a long time.
"What did you eat today?" "The wontons you eat in the morning and the noodles you eat in the evening, what about you?" "I also eat pasta."
"What do you like to do?" "Read!" "I love playing games." "Oh, well!"
3. How to chat with your favorite opposite sex, take the initiative to break the ice and break the deadlock?
But don't worry, it's really not that difficult to chat with the opposite sex, take the initiative to break the ice, break the ice, and open the topic, there are all skills to follow.
Now I will immediately teach you a simple and efficient chat technique - "ORID Focus Presentation Method", which is also the technique I often use when I am working as a psychological counselor and often counseling with clients.
What is ORID Focus? "Encyclopedic Explanation" is a structured form of meeting (meeting, conversation) that is guided by a catalytic therapist. This method is often used as a tool and method for analyzing facts and feeling a certain one. ”
The ORID Focus Presentation Method, also known as the "ORID Focus Dialogue", follows the principles of brain science, starting from an event or focus, and guiding the respondent to continuously express his inner thoughts and feelings through a four-level cycle of progressive questions.
In this process, the two parties will continue to expand the topic and depth of the chat through the form of one question and one answer, increase mutual understanding and empathy, and make the relationship go further.
ORID包含四个层次:客观性、反映性、诠释性和决定性。 Objective是针对事实的提问;Reflective是针对感受的提问;Interpretive是针对想法的提问;Decisional是针对决定的提问。
If you can have a focused conversation with the opposite sex on these four levels, trust me, the person you like will quickly become the person who likes you.
So, it's better to say that it's better to do it, and directly introduce the practical operation to everyone how to use it:
The first example: on a blind date, the other party says: Hello, I am a person in the media industry.
Objective Question at the Factual Level: This job is very busy, do you have to chase hot topics often? (Ask questions based on the facts you know, don't be complicated, just try to be objective)
Other: Well, I have to get up early and stay up late to write manuscripts.
Reflective Sensory Question: Isn't that going to be tiring and hard? (The more you let the other person share, the more attentive he will be to chatting with you)
Person: Yes, sometimes I feel tired.
Interpretive's thought-provoking question: Do you still like your job? (When a person moves his head, it means that he has begun to get serious)
Partner: I like it a lot, because I studied journalism, which is my ideal, and I also have a sense of value and achievement.
Decisive Decision Ask: Will you change careers in the future? Or do you want to keep going? (In the future, whether you understand the person's outlook on life, or in order to let him go further with you, there is nothing wrong with asking)
Partner: I still love this business, and I'll keep going.
The above examples are a good example of the advantages of "ORID Focused Dialogue", from the topic of work, leading to his usual life status, his ideal pursuit, his future planning and so on.
These conversations will quickly heat up the relationship between two people in a short period of time, rather than simply staying in a relationship where you are just ordinary friends.
In the second example, sitting across from the girl you like says, "I've not been in a good mood lately."
Objective Fact Ask: Did something happen to you?
Girl: I just got out of a fight with my parents, and they always disagree with my decision.
Reflective Sensory Question: Are you sad? After all, it's all family.
Girl: yes, they don't believe in my abilities, and that makes me the most sad.
Interpretive's reflection question: Why would they do this?
Girl: My parents are very strong, they always treat me like a child, they think I can't do anything.
Decisional Decision-level Question: Have you thought about how to convince them in the future?
Girl: I've thought about it, I want to start with the decision of whether to work or go to graduate school this time, and be myself.
If she says she's in a bad mood, you'll just say something declarative like "I want you to be happier," and that's pretty much the end of the conversation.
Only four levels of questioning can arouse deep understanding and thinking, and she can be honest with you step by step, and you have subtly become the person who supports her emotionally.
Finally, if you ask what role did you play in this process? In two words, it is "companion" and "inspirer".
In a relationship, you have a special meaning to another person, isn't it because you can bring healing and help to him?
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Authors: Profound So, Psychological Counselor II; EFT Trained Companion Therapist; Author of the intimate relationship book "Knowing Love, Rebuilding Intimate Relationships" (the book has won the first place in the best-selling list of new books on gender relations on Dangdang.com), translator/proofreader of Dr. Marshall's books "Nonviolent Communication, Gender Chapter" and "Nonviolent Communication Emotion Chapter"; If you have any questions, you can consult me by private message~