Essay on growth in junior high school
"I'm Really Reluctant"
Fan Wen/Liu Leisheng
01
**Original text at the beginning of the classmate**:
My grandmother died, and I was really reluctant. Because she loved me so much and loved me so much, but I couldn't be by her side in her last days.
**Teacher Liu's opening annotation**:
The beginning is too straightforward and lacks emotional foreshadowing. You can try to depict the image of the grandmother and the emotions between the two with more delicate brushstrokes to create a stronger emotional atmosphere. Moreover, it is not appropriate to use the word "death" for your own relatives.
**Teacher Liu's opening example**:
The sunset was like blood, reflecting the old face of her grandmother, and her eyes were full of years of precipitation and endless love. Whenever I think of her, that warm smile is like a spring breeze, which makes me feel reluctant. Grandma, when you leave, my heart is empty, what should I fill it?
02
**The original text of the second paragraph of the classmate**:
Grandma is a hardworking person, and she is in charge of everything in the house alone. She would wake up early every morning to prepare breakfast for us and then start the busy day.
**Teacher Liu's second paragraph annotation**:
Although the grandmother's diligence is mentioned, the description is too bland and lacks specific scenes and emotional investment. I can try to show my grandmother's diligence and love for me through specific details.
**Teacher Liu's second paragraph example**:
My grandmother's hands are the warmest memory of my childhood. Those hands, covered with traces of time, can always conjure up all kinds of delicious dishes for me. In the early morning, when the first rays of sunlight shine through the cracks in the curtains, my grandmother is already busy in the kitchen. In the smoke of cooking, she skillfully chops vegetables and boils porridge, and the aroma always awakens my sleeping taste buds. Whenever this happens, I would sneak into the kitchen, snuggle up to my grandmother, and watch her busy figure, my heart full of sweetness and warmth.
03
**Original text of the third section of the university**:
I remember one time when I was sick, my grandmother kept watch over me all night, feeding me medicine, wiping my sweat, and comforting me all the time. I felt very touched, especially when she touched me with her hand, I was very warm, and I felt that even if I didn't have medicine, I could be fine, because my grandmother was my best medicine.
**Teacher Liu's third paragraph annotation**:
Although my grandmother's care for me is mentioned here, the description is too simplistic and lacks detail and emotional rendering. You can try to show your grandmother's love and anxiety through more specific descriptions.
**Teacher Liu's third paragraph example**:
On the sickbed, I felt my grandmother's meticulous care. It was a long night, and the moonlight poured into the room, reflecting on Grandma's wrinkled face. She anxiously changed the wet towel on my forehead, the hands that had gently caressed me, but now there was a slight tremble. She coaxed me softly, and her voice was full of endless tenderness and love. At that moment, I felt more peace of mind and warmth than I had ever felt before.
04
**Student's fourth paragraph of original text**:
After my grandmother died, I was sad and felt that there was no one in the world who loved me as much as she did.
**Teacher Liu's comment on the fourth paragraph**:
The emotional expression here is too direct and lacks depth. You can try to depict the inner loss and nostalgia for your grandmother through more delicate brushstrokes.
**Teacher Liu's fourth paragraph example**:
My grandmother's death was like a sharp knife piercing my heart. Her departure took away that deep love and warmth, and also took away the softest part of my heart. I often looked at the room where she used to live, where nothing had changed, but I could no longer find the familiar figure. In the dead of night, I think of every word she said to me, every smile she once said to me, and those warm images can only be found in memories now.
05
**The original text of the fifth paragraph of the classmate**:
I really regret not being able to spend more time with her and talk to her more in her last days. But because I was playing a game at the time, my grandmother also knew that when I was playing a game, I couldn't be disturbed, and if I lost, everyone would blame me, so after I played the game for a few days, my mother said to me, "Your grandmother is dead!" "I was shocked and uncomfortable.
**Teacher Liu's fifth paragraph annotation**:
The emotional expression here, while real, is slightly blunt. And, do you love your grandmother, or do you love your games?
**Teacher Liu's fifth paragraph example**:
I regret it, why didn't I stay by her side more in the quiet days? Why was I so busy chasing those ethereal dreams when she needed me? Now, I can only see her in my dreams, but I can no longer touch the real temperature. In the dead of night, I always think of the things I didn't say and do, and my heart is filled with endless regrets and remorse.
06
**Original text of the sixth paragraph of the classmate**:
Grandma, I really don't want you to leave, you must live happily in heaven. I'll go to you when the time comes!
**Teacher Liu's annotation in the sixth paragraph**:
Although the ending expresses nostalgia and blessings for his grandmother, the language is too simplistic. Try to end the whole article with more powerful language that will leave a lasting impression on the reader.
**Teacher Liu's sixth paragraph example**:
Grandma, are you okay in heaven? Can you still feel my endless thoughts and attachments to you?
May you always be bathed in the warm sunshine and enjoy endless happiness and tranquility in that pure paradise. I will hide your love deep in my heart and turn it into motivation and courage to move forward.
May your spirit in heaven rest in peace and watch over me forever.
Recently, there have been a lot of private chats with Mr. Liu who have revised their compositions.
Thank you for not replying to them one by one!
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