This kind of "garbage education" is still being praised by countless Chinese parents

Blue oak

2024-07-01 12:12Creators in the field of education

The stoic Chinese are accustomed to not revealing their emotions, and excessive emotions are like shame, which will attract criticism. Therefore, in the process of parenting, they will unconsciously pass on this standard of emotional shame to their children, so that they fall into the trap of "good children" and put heavy shackles.

Author: Lizheng Mom, Senior Children's Emotional Intelligence Management Guidance Consultant of the Ministry of Human Resources and Social Security, and Children's Reading Promoter of the Library Association of China.

........................................

The recently launched reality show "Cat in a Box" has an episode that talks about "emotional shame".

The words of the drama actor Wu Pi on stage made the guests present couldn't help but burst into tears after listening to it-

"When I was five years old, I fell on my bike. My dad said to me, you're a man, you can't cry. I hid my crying;

When I was ten years old, my classmates deliberately bumped me in. My teacher said you should live in peace. I hid my anger;

When I was sixteen years old, I was admitted to university. I want to share my joy with those around me. They all said not to show off, they would be beaten. I hid my joy;

When I was twenty-six years old, I liked a girl who was with my best friend, and I said I wish you all happiness. I hid my sorrows......"

What a familiar word, as each of us often hears growing up.

When I was two or three years old, I fell, and I saw if there was anyone around, and there were people, and I quickly cried. After the age of twenty or thirty, I fell down and saw if there was anyone around and no one dared to cry.

From the joy and anger of the child, to the face of the back, he did not change color, hid all the joys, sorrows, and became an "emotionally stable adult." ”

This is not only Wu Bi's growth process, but also the "transformation" process of most of us Chinese.

After drinking too much "Chinese-style chicken soup", I succeeded in quitting my emotions little by little, and finally became as "mature and steady" as adults expected.

When Wu Bi became a father, he also began to use the chicken soup he drank that year to water his daughter.

He said to his daughter—

When you play the piano, you can't have emotions.

You can't have emotions when you don't study well.

When you're in school, you shouldn't have emotions either.

You can't be too happy when you go out to play, because happiness makes sadness, and you can't have emotions!

Until one day, the daughter won a medal in the competition. He was pleased, but he wondered why his daughter was not as happy as he was. His daughter's words directly shattered him.

Because the daughter cautiously asked, "Daddy, can I be happy?" ”

Panic, regret, pain...... Several emotions buried Wu Bi in an instant, and swept in, as well as all the sadness that he didn't dare to express in the process of growing up.

Chinese education has closed the loop at this moment.

He was forced to quit his emotions since he was a child, and unknowingly, he also let the child repeat the mistakes of the past and put on the mask of "emotional stability".

The sentence "Daddy, can I be happy?" The guests at the scene couldn't cry, probably everyone seemed to see their childhood self in the little girl's body.

A life that "shouldn't have been".

Compared with the release nature advocated abroad, the Chinese have adhered to the "golden mean" from ancient times to the present, emphasizing "self-denial and revenge", that is, "restraining one's desires and making words and actions conform to propriety." ”

For thousands of years, for the sake of "etiquette", we have been accustomed to "preserving heavenly principles and destroying human desires".

For the sake of the so-called "should", he resists all the "shoulds" said by the outside world, but ignores his true feelings deep inside.

My happiness should not be shown, or others will be jealous;

My grief should not be exposed to others, or others will make fun of me;

I can't let others see my timidity, or they will say that I am not brave;

I can't let my anger out, or people will think I'm immature......

Because education from childhood tells us that-

It's inappropriate to be too emotional, you have to learn to restrain yourself;

Emotional exposure is uneducated, you have to learn to hide yourself;

Excessive expression of emotions is irrational, you have to learn to deal with it yourself;

Sharing too much emotion is hypocritical, and you have to learn to digest it yourself......

As a result, you, who carefully followed the teachings, became a good child who was "sensible", "emotionally intelligent", and "easy to get along with" in the mouths of others, but you also lost yourself step by step.

When I grow up, I am confused about learning, confused at work, socially stressed, emotionally entangled, and trivial...... The wounds that have been whipped on us but have been asked to hide can only be healed alone in the dead of night.

You know that the price of adulthood is to digest all emotions quietly and be an emotionally stable adult.

Behind the emotional shame, don't dare to make mistakes in life

The word "shame" is derived from the Indo-European word skam, which means "to hide".

According to the Bible, after Adam and Eve ate the fruit of the tree of wisdom, they became self-aware and found themselves naked, and from then on they felt ashamed and would cover themselves with the leaves of the fig tree.

In "You're Good Enough," ED speaker Professor Blaney Brown offers her definition of emotional shame as a strong feeling of believing that we are flawed and therefore that we don't deserve to be accepted.

Psychologist Carl Jung referred to "shame" as "the emotion that eats the soul".

The more shameful people are, the lower their self-confidence and self-esteem. Because every second lives under the eyes of others, or strives for perfection in order to chase the approval of others, reduce self-mistakes, and reduce external criticism.

This kind of mentality of being bound by "emotional shame" and restricting actions will become a deep-rooted heart disease over time.

In an article "#好学生心态受害者#和他们不敢犯错的人生" published by China Youth Daily last year, a group of "victims" told how they were "sick" as good students who were praised by teachers and parents since childhood-

"I was scared by my parents and teachers."

"I'm used to suppressing every little need I can."

"I'm afraid that my parents will say that I played a good hand of cards."

"As soon as someone gives me a command or a suggestion, I take it as an order."

"I've internalized this set of rules for fear of going the wrong way."

According to the criteria set by the group, any of the following symptoms are considered victims of the good student mentality:

Consciously abide by the plans of teachers and parents, and work hard to complete tasks no matter how busy you are with work and study;

Valuing the positive feedback of others, and completing tasks is to be praised by parents, leaders, and teachers;

Be diligent and do your best in everything, even if it's games or leisure;

fear of failure, especially of being punished by superiors;

Habitually pleased, will not refuse the requests of teachers and parents, and strives to please everyone around him.

Why do you call yourself a "victim"? Liu Yilin, the founder of the group, explained: "Because of the mentality of good students, it is we who are tormented. ”

The victim of the mentality of a good student does not refer to a school bully, but to a "good child".

Those "puppet people" who give the right to evaluate themselves to others in order to be praised for being "well-behaved".

If you want to be a "good student", you can only be pushed away.

Under the brainwashing of traditional education, habitual obedience, flattery, and fear of negative evaluation, the mentality of "good student" has long been silently engraved into the DNA.

@Nirvana.Js

My mother's favorite word to praise me since I was a child was "independence" - she kept telling me that it was really good that you have your own ideas and goals, and you work hard to achieve them; She kept telling her relatives that I had a good ability to adapt to the environment and that I didn't cry in primary school boarding; She said that when I was in the third grade, I couldn't learn to comb my own hair, so I took the initiative to cut my hair short in order not to trouble the dormitory teacher, which is really sensible......

I wasn't as independent as I thought, but I attached great importance to my mother's evaluation of me, so I kept making myself independent and strong, so that I could get her praise and affirmation.

@ratch_jax

When I was in elementary school, the teacher asked us to stand up and read the textbook aloud in turn, and I would count how many people were in front of me in advance to see which part I was going to read, so that I could practice before it was my turn to read aloud. I was especially afraid of being criticized by the teacher for reading wrong, and the laughter of my classmates after the teacher's criticism.

I think that's when my anxiety began to develop.

@上海Edgm. Lost

Yesterday I had a little conflict with someone, and I had a long exchange and discussion, and this morning I looked back at the chat history, and suddenly realized that I was surprised, annoyed, and slightly offended, but my face has been smiling unconsciously (rubbing my face and feeling a little stiff).

Then I thought back to my past life and found that this was the norm, and my instinctive reaction when there was a conflict was to laugh, and then try to bring it over with gentle words and a brisk tone, and if there were emotions such as annoyance and fear, I would smile on the surface and look like an understatement.

Explicitly showing anger at someone seemed like a difficult thing to do, as if it wasn't polite enough, not reassuring enough, not "good student" enough, and I always had a strong fear of conflict in my heart.

@momo

It was 10 o'clock when I woke up on Saturday morning.

The first thought I had when I woke up was guilt, although I didn't seem to be sorry for anyone, and I actually slept very comfortably, the most comfortable I had in a long time. But I still feel very guilty because I wasted so much time when I should wake up at eight o'clock to read a book or deal with unfinished work.

Having been instilled by my teachers since I was a child, "holidays are for overtaking in corners", it seems that I can no longer truly enjoy a vacation.

In "Please Answer 1988", there is such a line: sensible children just don't make trouble unreasonably, but just adapt to the environment where they should behave maturely, and get used to the misunderstood eyes of others.

It is said that obedient children have candy to eat, but the reality is that children who are too sensible even eat candy for fear of being called "gluttonous" and dare not eat it.

Unspoken emotions, sharp blades pierced in the heart

Bilibili's UP master @浙理Xiaoyi, once published a video of "Almost "Ruined" by the Mentality of a Good Student", with a high number of views and more than 100,000 likes.

In the video, he recalls his painful elementary school, where he was doing his homework day and night.

Staying up late to write, getting up in the early hours of the morning to write, writing without dinner, and copying a full 16 pages in the classroom, resulting in a large patch of melanin precipitation on the forearm that cannot be washed off.

Just because the elementary school teacher asked them to make invalid annotations when they read the book, nonsense like "this sentence is really well written" was written over and over again. He has become accustomed to always thinking about writing as much as possible, writing a little full, and making the words look better when answering questions, so as to make the teacher happy.

By his own admission, he said, "In retrospect, most of the things I did in elementary school were meaningless, and the biggest of them was to tame. ”

It's like a donkey in the production team, for the carrot hanging in front of it, and the horses are constantly dripping, and they can't stop worrying.

And the sentence that most pokes at the resonance of millions of "good students" at the same frequency is that -

"What drives me is not the thirst for knowledge, but the fear of teachers, of negative evaluations."

The "good" of a good child is not out of "should", but out of fear.

Because only by being "sensible" can you get attention and love, so I am afraid of being denied and criticized because I am "ignorant".

Psychologists believe that the most negative human emotion is neither overwhelming sadness nor uncontrollable anger, but shame.

And what really turns the shame switch on is the reaction of the bystanders.

For example, since childhood, we have been taught that men do not flick when they have tears, and when they cry, they are admonished: "Manly husband, what are you crying about?" "When I feel sad when I grow up, tears are about to fall, and I try to squeeze out a strong smile. Just because the act of shedding tears is characterized as "bad" and "undeserved" by everyone, I instinctively want to hide it.

When "emotional stability" is emphasized throughout society, too much emotion is shameful. Shame becomes a tool for regulating social behavior. Not allowed to express, under long-term self-inhibition, emotional shame is internalized into invisible self-normative behavior.

In "Childhood in a Foreign Country", tear therapist Hideshi Yoshida gave everyone a unique lesson - teaching people how to cry.

Close the curtains, turn off the lights, and show tear-jerking videos, so that the students below can learn how to shed tears. Yes, learn to cry.

It's just because in Japanese culture, crying is a shameful thing, so even if negative emotions hit, many people forget how to cry, or rather, dare not cry.

What Hideshi Yoshida wants to do is to tell everyone that crying is not shameful, on the contrary, it is good for the body.

Crying when you want to cry is an acceptance of emotions and love for yourself.

Sigmund Freud said, "Unexpressed emotions never go away, they are just buried alive and will one day explode in an uglier way." ”

We often lament why there are more and more children with "hollow heart disease" nowadays, lying flat, rotten, unable to lift anything, and even the number of depressed patients is rising year after year. But deep down, Chinese children who would rather commit suicide than skip class, are not even afraid of death, but they are still afraid of the negative evaluation of teachers and parents.

It's just that in the process of growing up, the voices that are looping in the ears are telling them - "You have to study hard", "Study hard to be successful", "We are all for your good", "You have to be obedient, sensible, and cooperative". But no one tells them that you can own your feelings, that you have to face your emotions, and that we will understand and support you when you feel "uncomfortable".

Therefore, they can only turn these external disciplines into sharp blades to attack themselves. Habitually denying and questioning one's feelings, burying and stifling one's emotions, one slowly becomes a "hollow person".

In order to become a "self" that is more in line with other people's standards, many people have lived in the eyes of imaginary audiences all their lives. When I was a child, I tried to be a good student, I tried to be a good employee after work, and I tried to be a good partner after I got married. may wake up one day and find that the audience that I have imagined for decades does not exist at all.

Emotional freedom, life at ease

Fortunately, the post-00s began to rise up.

The members who posted in the "Good Student Mentality Victims" group did not just complain, but after realizing that they had been being PUA, they began to conduct a growth review, self-analysis, and self-help with reasonable evidence. In the process of expression and sharing, the lost self is regained.

The original slogan of the "Victims of the Good Student Mentality" group, "You can be a bad boy", has now been changed to "his three good students, I'll give myself a certificate!" ”

This is a bold and enlarged sentence in the group's introduction.

No longer trapped in the gaze of others, no longer self-critical, no longer self-suppressed. Accept the existence of true emotions, allow them to flow naturally, and be brave enough to face the doubts of the outside world.

No longer be a "victim", but a "free man".

As the famous saying of the spiritual writer Zhang Defen: "My dear, there is no one else out there, only yourself". Everything in the outside world is a projection of your own psychology, and only you can define your life.

Finally, let's end with the poem "Courage" written by a primary school student -

"You can, people say to me. Be courageous, people say to me. So I plucked up courage, plucked up courage, and said to them – I can't do it. "Hopefully, you have the courage too. is the leading actor in his own life, and he is also a director.

View original image 249K

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

• 

•